Finally Posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
Finally Posting
Hi all... I have been a member for a few weeks. Before that I read the forum as a non-member. I thought I would get my foot in the door here before the New Year starts by posting.
I'm a divorced woman in my late 40s. I have 3 kids - 2 who are adults and one teenager. I am a very professionally and personally successful and functional alcoholic. Although I could be so much more functional without the wine.
I have been drinking since college, and the amount gradually has increased since my divorce 7 years ago, at which time I started drinking A LOT of wine every night or every other night. As in, up to 3 bottles per night (on the nights when I drink). Needless to say, the following day is always way less than ideal in terms of function, but I work from home and can adjust for it (unfortunately, for that reason).
I have thought a lot about my drinking. It has caused many problems that have not yet ever become apparent, really. First is that I am scared to death that I have killed my liver, and I know my liver enzymes are HIGH HIGH HIGH (it's never been documented, and I don't have symptoms, but I suspect). This stops me from going for physicals and I haven't been in for a physical in years. I'm a physician (yes, I know - but we are among the worst I think) so I treat my own hypertension. I'm scared to have any medical condition related to drinking documented at a physician visit, and I also have developed literal panic attacks associated with physician and dentist visits that involve anything even remotely invasive.
Aside from that, from a personal perspective, I associate drinking with food. What I mean in my case is that, if I am not drinking, then I HAVE to be on a health kick which means I have to exercise religiously every night and I cannot eat high-fat or - especially - high-carb foods. I have to eat in a very healthy way. But, if I am in my "drinking" phase, I give myself "permissions" to eat however and whatever I want, with the promise that it will all change tomorrow or the next day. So my desire for food often contributes to giving in on my decision to stop drinking, because in my head, drinking means I can have any food I want.
I know I need help, but I don't do well with groups of people (meetings) and am hoping I can do this online. I'm not religious so the 12-step program does not entice.
I know this doesn't seem like much, but just posting and admitting this is more than I have ever done. Ever.
I'm a divorced woman in my late 40s. I have 3 kids - 2 who are adults and one teenager. I am a very professionally and personally successful and functional alcoholic. Although I could be so much more functional without the wine.
I have been drinking since college, and the amount gradually has increased since my divorce 7 years ago, at which time I started drinking A LOT of wine every night or every other night. As in, up to 3 bottles per night (on the nights when I drink). Needless to say, the following day is always way less than ideal in terms of function, but I work from home and can adjust for it (unfortunately, for that reason).
I have thought a lot about my drinking. It has caused many problems that have not yet ever become apparent, really. First is that I am scared to death that I have killed my liver, and I know my liver enzymes are HIGH HIGH HIGH (it's never been documented, and I don't have symptoms, but I suspect). This stops me from going for physicals and I haven't been in for a physical in years. I'm a physician (yes, I know - but we are among the worst I think) so I treat my own hypertension. I'm scared to have any medical condition related to drinking documented at a physician visit, and I also have developed literal panic attacks associated with physician and dentist visits that involve anything even remotely invasive.
Aside from that, from a personal perspective, I associate drinking with food. What I mean in my case is that, if I am not drinking, then I HAVE to be on a health kick which means I have to exercise religiously every night and I cannot eat high-fat or - especially - high-carb foods. I have to eat in a very healthy way. But, if I am in my "drinking" phase, I give myself "permissions" to eat however and whatever I want, with the promise that it will all change tomorrow or the next day. So my desire for food often contributes to giving in on my decision to stop drinking, because in my head, drinking means I can have any food I want.
I know I need help, but I don't do well with groups of people (meetings) and am hoping I can do this online. I'm not religious so the 12-step program does not entice.
I know this doesn't seem like much, but just posting and admitting this is more than I have ever done. Ever.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,644
Welcome Kari, you've come to the right place. Lots of help and encouragement here.
Deciding to stop was the best thing I have done in years, you can too. I found this forum and hung on to it for dear life and was helped by many people who I class as my friends and family. There is someone here 24/7 .
You've made the first step. Well done.
Deciding to stop was the best thing I have done in years, you can too. I found this forum and hung on to it for dear life and was helped by many people who I class as my friends and family. There is someone here 24/7 .
You've made the first step. Well done.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Kari
You'll find a lot of support here
It is harder when you associate drinking with a particularly activity - it's harder still if that activity is something we have to do, like eating.
But associations can be broken.
I honestly believe that drinking sparkling water for example complements the food far better than any alcohol did...I get to taste all the subtle nuances now
D
You'll find a lot of support here
It is harder when you associate drinking with a particularly activity - it's harder still if that activity is something we have to do, like eating.
But associations can be broken.
I honestly believe that drinking sparkling water for example complements the food far better than any alcohol did...I get to taste all the subtle nuances now
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
Hi Kari, I know exactly what you are feeling. I too went from extremes of drinking to healthy/obsessive exercising. I think it is part of the inevitable consequence when a professional and competitive person develops an addiction problem. I too would alternate extremely heavy drinking with running half marathons and triathlons....to prove that I am not an alcoholic and can control it, you see. All nonsense of course.
You are a smart woman and you know what you need to do. Get checked out medically and drop the booze and stop all those silly games with yourself. That's what I wish someone told me anyway but nobody ever did. I too am not going to meetings and want to do this online though we need to realise that the deck is stacked against us. After years of making all sorts of deals with myself to cut down and always failing I have come to the conclusion that it needs to be a cold hard stop. You feel ready for that?
You are a smart woman and you know what you need to do. Get checked out medically and drop the booze and stop all those silly games with yourself. That's what I wish someone told me anyway but nobody ever did. I too am not going to meetings and want to do this online though we need to realise that the deck is stacked against us. After years of making all sorts of deals with myself to cut down and always failing I have come to the conclusion that it needs to be a cold hard stop. You feel ready for that?
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Hello Kari, and welcome to our community. You'll find everyone here to be extremely supportive and understanding... We come from all walks of life and you can count on finding others with similar histories and background who've managed to kick this thing.
I'm glad you're here =) Stick around a while!
I'm glad you're here =) Stick around a while!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,916
Welcome to SR!
As a physician, you certainly understand the importance of a medical evaluation. Make an appointment with someone you trust, and get it done. You may be surprised and relieved when you get the results.
I'm a highly educated person with several degrees in my field. Looking back, that was actually detrimental to my seeking help for many years. I was successful in my field during the day, and having a "nightcap" every night to relax because I earned it seemed ok. I denied I had a problem because I was very successful in other parts of my life. I was a fool. The daily drinking went on for over 20 years with the amount of alcohol gradually increasing, and my ability to recover the next day gradually decreasing. Eventually I crashed and burned and ended up needing a 3 day hospital stay to medically detox.
The person that had the most profound impact on me in the hospital, was the physician who treated me. He confided in me that he was an alcoholic and was in AA. He encouraged me to try it and said that maybe he would see me at a meeting someday. His kind words had a profound impact on me, and helped me get into AA, because trying to quit on my own just wasn't working.
In AA I've met many highly educated people, lawyers, university professors, physicians and nurses, that have helped me get through my thick head, that getting advanced degrees doesn't make one immune from alcoholism. I've also met some terrific people from all walks of life, alcohol has no boundaries, it wants to kill us all.
My denial that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't sit under a highway overpass drinking booze out of a brown paper bag was broken. I also have finally concluded I can't stay sober all by myself, and my ego finally admits that. I've probably quit drinking 100 times, only to start back up 99 times. Enough is enough!
As a physician, you certainly understand the importance of a medical evaluation. Make an appointment with someone you trust, and get it done. You may be surprised and relieved when you get the results.
I'm a highly educated person with several degrees in my field. Looking back, that was actually detrimental to my seeking help for many years. I was successful in my field during the day, and having a "nightcap" every night to relax because I earned it seemed ok. I denied I had a problem because I was very successful in other parts of my life. I was a fool. The daily drinking went on for over 20 years with the amount of alcohol gradually increasing, and my ability to recover the next day gradually decreasing. Eventually I crashed and burned and ended up needing a 3 day hospital stay to medically detox.
The person that had the most profound impact on me in the hospital, was the physician who treated me. He confided in me that he was an alcoholic and was in AA. He encouraged me to try it and said that maybe he would see me at a meeting someday. His kind words had a profound impact on me, and helped me get into AA, because trying to quit on my own just wasn't working.
In AA I've met many highly educated people, lawyers, university professors, physicians and nurses, that have helped me get through my thick head, that getting advanced degrees doesn't make one immune from alcoholism. I've also met some terrific people from all walks of life, alcohol has no boundaries, it wants to kill us all.
My denial that I wasn't an alcoholic because I didn't sit under a highway overpass drinking booze out of a brown paper bag was broken. I also have finally concluded I can't stay sober all by myself, and my ego finally admits that. I've probably quit drinking 100 times, only to start back up 99 times. Enough is enough!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 16
You sound like me. When I'm on health kicks I don't even think about drinking. Extreme on both ends I guess.
Edit: Did see that you're a Physician. I'm an attorney. Alcoholism is wide spread in my field as well. Hughe elephant in the room.
Edit: Did see that you're a Physician. I'm an attorney. Alcoholism is wide spread in my field as well. Hughe elephant in the room.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Welcome to SR, Kari. Glad you posted. You will find support, understanding, and encouragement here.
My eating habits have changed drastically since I gave up drinking and I have come to actually like some of the foods I once considered 'that healthy boring stuff'.
I still eat some of the 'bad stuff'; I'll probably never give up cake and cookies but I now include an abundance of healthy food in my daily diet.
Would adding some healthy additions to your daily meals, while gradually decreasing some of the less healthy foods, help to break that association?
Again, welcome, Kari.
My eating habits have changed drastically since I gave up drinking and I have come to actually like some of the foods I once considered 'that healthy boring stuff'.
I still eat some of the 'bad stuff'; I'll probably never give up cake and cookies but I now include an abundance of healthy food in my daily diet.
Would adding some healthy additions to your daily meals, while gradually decreasing some of the less healthy foods, help to break that association?
Again, welcome, Kari.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome Kari 
Glad you found us.
You've taken the first step.
Just to clarify, AA is not about religion. It is simply about reaching out for help from something more powerful than yourself, and that can just mean a group of people such as this group, for example.
There are other recovery options too.
Many people just stay close to SR and use this as their support.
Glad you found us.
You've taken the first step.
Just to clarify, AA is not about religion. It is simply about reaching out for help from something more powerful than yourself, and that can just mean a group of people such as this group, for example.
There are other recovery options too.
Many people just stay close to SR and use this as their support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Originally Posted by TymeisNow 
You sound like me. When I'm on health kicks I don't even think about drinking. Extreme on both ends I guess.
Edit: Did see that you're a Physician. I'm an attorney. Alcoholism is wide spread in my field as well. Hughe elephant in the room.
Edit: Did see that you're a Physician. I'm an attorney. Alcoholism is wide spread in my field as well. Hughe elephant in the room.
Kari - I know you don't want your alcoholism documented but there must be some way to get treatment AND keep your confidentiality in tact. HIPPA?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
welcome!
FYI - the 12 step program of AA has absolutely nothing to do with religion.
Some will carry it that way, but that's not what it's about.
I am not religious, not even a little bit. But AA has been crucial to my sobriety for over a year. It works. And the reason it works is not about religion.
I avoided AA for over a decade after first encountering it for just that reason. No regrets.. that was my path. Still, sometimes it's hard not to evision what my life would be now had I spent those 10+ years in sobriety instead of denial.
FYI - the 12 step program of AA has absolutely nothing to do with religion.
Some will carry it that way, but that's not what it's about.
I am not religious, not even a little bit. But AA has been crucial to my sobriety for over a year. It works. And the reason it works is not about religion.
I avoided AA for over a decade after first encountering it for just that reason. No regrets.. that was my path. Still, sometimes it's hard not to evision what my life would be now had I spent those 10+ years in sobriety instead of denial.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 4
Thank you SO much to those of you who replied. I can't tell you how much of a difference it made to know that finally I was able to tell my story "out loud" and have someone react with support and hope.
This was my first sober Christmas and New Years in a long time. Probably decades. And I did the mental math on how much 2-3 bottles of wine a night was costing me financially (although only a small amount compared to personal and emotional cost).
I will admit that last night was a tough night. I wanted to drink - very much. To avoid it, I literally went to bed at 7PM.
As I mentioned, food and alcohol are hopelessly entwined in my brain. Yesterday I found a leftover pack of homemade chocolate chip cookies in the freezer. I was okay for awhile after I found them, but then I started telling myself that I should just have some wine and then I could "justify" having the cookies. This is how it has worked with me - that somehow, if I am drinking, I can justify horrible food choices, but I have to make perfect food choices if I am not drinking. It just makes it that much more difficult to stop drinking.
I have an addictive personality. I am going to substitute exercise for drinking/eating. I just ordered my fitbit charge.
I have to say... reading posts on this forum is incredible. The many lives that have been changed for the better just because of this website - absolutely amazing.
This was my first sober Christmas and New Years in a long time. Probably decades. And I did the mental math on how much 2-3 bottles of wine a night was costing me financially (although only a small amount compared to personal and emotional cost).
I will admit that last night was a tough night. I wanted to drink - very much. To avoid it, I literally went to bed at 7PM.
As I mentioned, food and alcohol are hopelessly entwined in my brain. Yesterday I found a leftover pack of homemade chocolate chip cookies in the freezer. I was okay for awhile after I found them, but then I started telling myself that I should just have some wine and then I could "justify" having the cookies. This is how it has worked with me - that somehow, if I am drinking, I can justify horrible food choices, but I have to make perfect food choices if I am not drinking. It just makes it that much more difficult to stop drinking.
I have an addictive personality. I am going to substitute exercise for drinking/eating. I just ordered my fitbit charge.
I have to say... reading posts on this forum is incredible. The many lives that have been changed for the better just because of this website - absolutely amazing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: California
Posts: 112
Hi kari
Welcome to SR .. Nice to meet you.
Stay close, look around, post often ..
This site has been super helpful for me. I will have one month tomorrow and I also had my first Christmas and New Years clean and sober in a very long time .. It was wonderful.
Good point ArtFriend that alcohol (and our AV) do not discriminate .
I have been leaning on SR quite a bit this month but considering going to some AA meetings for additional support . I am not religious but I understand the concept of surrender and am interested to see if additional support might benefit me.
Glad to have you here.
Welcome to SR .. Nice to meet you.
Stay close, look around, post often ..
This site has been super helpful for me. I will have one month tomorrow and I also had my first Christmas and New Years clean and sober in a very long time .. It was wonderful.
Good point ArtFriend that alcohol (and our AV) do not discriminate .
I have been leaning on SR quite a bit this month but considering going to some AA meetings for additional support . I am not religious but I understand the concept of surrender and am interested to see if additional support might benefit me.
Glad to have you here.
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