Slothy

Need some suggestions and thoughts....

I am getting ready to go no contact with my xabf in just two days after I pick up some personal belongings from his place while he is away for the holiday. I stay strongly committed to going no-contact as I know it is the best way to regain peace and happiness in my life.

I find myself paralyzed with what to say to him? If anything?

Do I tell him how much I care, love, worry and pray for his healing?
Do I tell him the hurt I have endured in the relationship?
Do I tell him how hard letting him go is?

So many things that one feel like needs to be said when permanently closing the door on someone you care about! I know I will never hear what I want from him in this matter and I do not expect him to give me closure! What I don't want though, is to hold up my healing by regretting what is said or not said in the end.

Eauchiche

Well...in my case I asked my separated mate for a meeting halfway between our cities so we could discuss a possible reconciliation. I made it clear that I wanted this meeting with him sober. He replied that he deserved better than lunch in some hotel restaurant after 14 years. We have never met to discuss the issues. We have been separated almost 10 months.

I did break down and go there one weekend in late September. He had thrown his back out and I felt sorry for him. I offered to do the yard work. He wouldn't let me do anything when I got there, and was drunk and distant the entire weekend.

The meeting I requested was a boundary that he refused to respect. At this point, my conscience is clear that I did all I could to reconcile.

Sotiredofitall

Sometimes the best way to close a door is to just close the door. If you feel the need to say stuff to him write it down and then burn it. Make a ceremony out of it and burn some sage to purify the air and yourself.

LexieCat

If you feel the need to say anything (and I wouldn't be looking for "closure" in a breakup from an alcoholic relationship), I'd just say that I wish him well--health and happiness--and leave it at that. Anything else is either likely to be misinterpreted as leaving the door open, or will come off as manipulative.

maia1234

S- Here is something I copied from SR. I think it might make you feel better with your decision of NC.

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

MissBeth

You can, but he won't be listening. He might still be in denial about having a problem with alcohol.

Again, you can, but he won't hear it or acknowledge it. It's beyond the alcoholic's comprehension to see anything past their own selfish needs. Even if he listens to you, he will most likely brush aside your hurts as your own problem and nothing to do with him.

Definitely NOT. He can use this a hook to reel you back in.

I agree with the advice of writing down in a letter all the things you want to say to him and then to burn the letter. You do need to get the feelings out, but you will just not get any reaction or closure from an active alcoholic, it's like

Good luck with the no contact. It will be hard, but as time goes by you will start to feel so incredibly free and at peace without his drama.

Slothy

Thanks to all...Thanks Maia123 for that wonderful post!!. I will let him fall and I choose not to watch it anymore, shield him anymore, or fall with him!

The part that resonates with me is that last verse..." I know you love me and that you mean well.." My regrets in this relationship is I am not sure I ever really let him know how much I do love him and care for him as a person!! Not because I didn't care, but maybe out of fear or out of self preservation.

Will I regret not telling him this in the end? Even if he is inacapable of hearing it or doesn't care that I part with love and prayers for his happiness and sobriety, will it hurt my path to peace if I don't say them to him?

LexieCat

I never regretted it. And really, in all the time you were with him, you never communicated how much you love him and care for him as a person? Frankly, I find that hard to believe. I think that's still the part of your brain that thinks if you said it just the RIGHT way, it would somehow make a difference.

I still care about my alcoholic whom I left. I told him thousands of times how much I cared, how worried I was for him, etc. When I left, I wished him well and I left with a clear conscience. Nothing more I could have done.

Eauchiche

I sent my ex a birthday card and gift, and told him I love him.

I sent my ex a Christmas card and gift and told him I love him very much.

My ex e-mail me in July that he has "no love" for me.

My ex sent me NOTHING for Christmas (I guess I've been bad).

My ex gave me a choice a few weeks ago of following my God and embracing the changes he's made in me, or getting back together with him.

You can tell your ex anything you please, but my hunch is you'll get a similar response.

HealingWillCome

No matter what you choose to say, the key to your peace will be having no expectations from him. If you feel the need to tell him you love him, then do so, but be prepared for whatever response (or lack of) that you receive. If you find yourself fishing for him to reciprocate, then maybe your motive was unhealthy to begin with. If you genuinely only want him to know that you care, then simply tell him you love him and let it be.

As for telling him how much he has hurt you, or how hard it is to let him go, I would avoid it. Those sentiments don't empower you, they just set you up for more heartache. He can't heal you...that's your job now. Show him you're confident in your decision. This is your time to shine.

What worked for me was to say to my xabf as he was relapsing and I could see that it was finally time to let go was (paraphrasing here), "Thanks for all the good things that you brought to my life. I love you very much. Because I do, I respect your decision to follow your chosen path (a life with alcohol in it.) It's just not a life that works for me. It's not that either of us is right or wrong, we just have different ideas about what makes for a happy life." No yelling, no anger, no hurtful words. There were tears and hugs, but nothing ugly about any of it. I have been no contact since, and haven't regretted that conversation even once. He already knew he had hurt me and how painful it was to let go without me having to remind him.

No contact is a great gift you're giving yourself. It will be hard, so I hope you have some backup plans for those moments when you want to reach out to him. Remember, we can't look to the ones who hurt us to heal us. He's not capable. You can always come here when you're feeling that urge to reach him.

hopeful4

Write a letter to say your piece and leave it. Let him know you are going completely no contact. Close the door, and don't look back. Go to any lengths you have to as to stay no contact with him, and his family for that matter if this applies.

Tight, tight, hugs. Wishing you a future with some much needed peace.

dandylion

Slothy.....in case you have a sense of humor.....there was a song that was at the top of the pop charts in the 70's. Called: "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover".
In case you have never heard it....I highly suggest that you listen to it on u-tube.
At least, google the lyrics.

Your thread reminded me of this song!

dandylion

Slothy

Thanks everyone! I am just praying he leaves his key for me today so I can gather my remaining things by tommorrow. I can't handle this anymore! Although I have peace that my decision is made, I will have more peace once it finalized!
Please keep me in your thoughts !

ShootingStar1

And when you pick your things up today, you will be free to start tomorrow, a New Year, and a new life, free.

Dream forward, and let go of what is done.

ShootingStar1

NYCDoglvr

Nothing you say will register or make the slightest difference so just walk away. I don't think closure exists, our obsessional thinking about the alcoholic runs its course but it takes longer than any of us want.

Slothy

Thanks everyone! Your words keep me strong and focused!!

Unfortunately I have to report that my exabf did not leave me the key for me to get my belongings. He knew my plan to pick them up and for the first time ever, he didnt respond to my text or leave me access to his place as he always did.

My new year no contact will have to wait until he returns!

Slothy

Happy New Year to all!!!

LexieCat

Here's something to keep in mind as you are contemplating your "farewell speech." The jerk didn't even care enough about your well-being to let you retrieve your belongings. I don't think you owe him a thing other than a drama-free exit.

He got his little dig in, you don't have to reciprocate OR make a heartfelt speech about how much you care.

Slothy

Oh. Lexiecat! I so thank you for your post! I realize his unacceptable behavior has gotten worse with no care or concern on his part! Of course, I meet the day today with mixed emotions, but stand more strong than ever that a formal goodbye is not necessary! I will wait to hear from him when he gets back and then BLOCK. No words necessary! I again thank you for your strength and wise perspective!

I wish you much happiness and peace in the new year.... And for the first time in a long while, I wish myself the same!

Slothy

Having tremendous anxiety with my ex returning from his trip in just a few days. Although I shouldn't be surprised, I am somewhat that I haven't heard from him at all. I want one thing.... To recover my belongings and bid a no contact farewell.

I'm hoping he reaches out to me to let me know he is home. I really don't want to have to plead with him to get my stuff! It is so maddening how disrespectful and manipulative this situation is!

Can't wait. for this to be over!