freetosmile

He called and was seemed really happy. He was going to talk circle (another Lakota ceremony) and he got a new roommate that he really liked and hung out with all the time.

I said, "I'm glad YOU found a friend, because I have none....and that's right where you want me."

He got pissed.

I don't know why I said it...maybe I truly was jealous. Maybe I am truly upset about him going bonkers over me having friends over and all that jazz and I'm just sick of it!!

Anyway...it was pretty immature huh?

dandylion

freetosmile......GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As my grandmother used to say: "He can stay mad until he gets glad".

After all, the word will still spin on it's axis tomorrow!

dandylion

***not immature at all. It is growing a backbone ......lol

dandylion

freetosmile

I like the sound of that! And to be truthful, I didn't even really feel "bad" about what I had said, because with him, it really is the truth. I also sent him a letter detailing how I am hoping he will work on the verbal abuse and controlling behavior and that I did not feel that was alcohol related. That I would be unable to feel safe and fully give him my heart if he could not treat me with respect ...yada yada.....(YIKES!!) I actually SENT it today....

dandylion

freetosmile.......WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is a new sheriff in town.....LOL!!

dandylion

freetosmile

indeed ( good, bad, and the ugly soundtrack playing now)

happybeingme

'bout time you stood up for yourself!

freetosmile

Hey thanks guys! I was feeling rather childish about the whole comment, but now I actually feel a little more empowered. In FACT, he got so upset that he lied and said someone else needed to make a phone call, just so he could get off the phone with me. I don't even feel worried about his reaction (which is a HUGE step for me, as you all know). So I'll chalk it up to a successful "stick it to 'em" statement and let it go.

amy55

Excellent ...........bravo............. standing ovation !!!!!!!!!!!

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

PS - Perhaps that will also stop his daily 2x's a day phone calls.

You are my new hero......

Hawkeye13

Great job free!

CodeJob

Free,

Seeing your situation clearly is a good step.

How many days is H's rehab? What is the discharge plan for H? Home, sober living, his own place? Since he is out of state, what is the family rehab plan in the works to support you and kids?

Keep in mind the rehab is churning out recovery as a business (even if not for profit), so it's all about H, not you and the family per se. What is the best discharge plan for H might not be the best discharge plan for you/kids.

We never heard from the rehab again once my H discharged. There is no way they were doing any relapse research or follow up outreach for families. Early recovery is a brittle period, and there were days I was perturbed to deal with the RAH. If you think a phone call is irking you, wait until he's back blaming you for every little thing and driving him to that place...

I know you are busy with life and the kids, but please spend some time on what you want to happen at discharge. This situation does not need to be all about him.

Peace!

freetosmile

TBH I hadn't thought about that at all. I do know that they have already advised that he have outpatient treatment as well, upon discharge. They also told him that most people who don't make meetings within 72 hours of getting discharged have a really high relapse rate. His INTENTIONS are to do the 90 n 90. We'll see. He will also dive right back in with his regular therapist who has really nailed his abusive behavior. So what her and I were hoping is that he will get a kick in the butt with the alcohol and abuse and then outpatient and her can kick him even further in the butt from there.

We have a two day family event there where we confront him and make contracts or something. Two days of education and what not. Yes, he will be coming straight home and back to real life.

I THINK if he can do the outpatient and 90 n 90 , that would be a good thing and I will have that expectation. As with the abuse thing....I would like to see if He and I can move into marriage counseling.. (provided he is sober) she said she would not see us together if he is not sober.

I'm grateful that he is grounding in the Lakota traditions...they hold woman in very high regard and will not speak to him very kindly about verbally abusing and controlling his wife.

Thanks for bringing this up...I will need to put some thought into this. THANKS GOD the kids go back to school next week. I'm going nuts!! Then I can think on it some more. Maybe talk to my therapist this week about it

dandylion

By the way, freetosmile....I did not notice any negative self-talk about yourself, today.

I think that is a positive thing for you!!

Believe it or not, that will make a big difference in your self esteem!

dandylion

Hangnbyathread

I will be the first to admit I have said my share of jabs that could have been done better.

The message was a great one, the method of delivery probably could have been better.
That is another thing I learned in therapy about being with an alcoholic. I NEVER would stoop to jabs with anyone. It is childish. But you learn to realize that this is the only was an AC can argue. They jab and bait you in a way that you want to jab back. After awhile it becomes the new norm.

Once I got that figured out, I could let her jab all she wanted, she never got a response back. Eventually they get have to get mad at themselves. Nobody else is with them.

Don't beat yourself up over it. But try to not jab. It only makes the AC look like they have validity.

ubntubnt

Hi freetosmile, I have seen you around here but not really followed your posts. Reading this thread you sound like a well adjusted, assertive, reasonable woman to me.

freetosmile

I'm working on it...if I wasn't so stupid I would have had this figured out a long time ago!! ...he he ...that was a joke..couldn't help myself.

But seriously, I really am trying to stop the internal monologue. It's tough.

NWGRITS

For as beaten down as you've been for your entire life, I'd say that your jab was a huge breakthrough. You finally stood up to someone and that is amazing!

Seren

Welp, you know, if you can't tell him your truth while he is in a controlled and supported environment...then when can you?

Sending hugs!

dandylion

freetosmile.....LOL! I got your joke! Another positive that I see in you is that you have a good sense of humor (it has come across in some of your comments).
That will serve you well.

I imagine that it has been a saving grace for you during your tougher times.

Listen, changing ingrained habits do take time and mindfulness for all of us.

I remember that after I divorced my children's father--who was a very narcissistic individual, who seemed to have a critical word about everything I did.....a few weeks after we were separated, I was driving to work after dropping the kids off at school,,,and, I was making mental plans for what I would do with the kids when I picked them up for daycare that day... I planned to stop at the store first, get some food and take them to the local park for a cook-out instead of going straight home.
Then it HIT ME, for the first time..."I don't have to get his approval or disapproval for this!!!". "I am FREE--FREE!" I will never forget that exact moment. I was so used to his 6yrs. of nagging that it had become a normal noise in my head.
I felt like I had been released from a prison in that moment.

Yes, freetosmile, it does take time (and practice). Being in a "free" environment doesn't hurt, either.

dandylion

NerdlyBeauty

What you said wasn't immature...it was honest and to the point. It's so hard not to react when you've been beaten down your entire life. You forget you have a spirit. You got spirit, girl...let it soar!

hopeful4

Sometimes it just needs to come out for YOU. Who cares what he thinks about it.

Good for you.