When You Were at Your Worst Alcoholically How Were You Treated By Family??
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When You Were at Your Worst Alcoholically How Were You Treated By Family??
My mother is now at what I consider the height of her problem with alcoholism. There is no hiding it, she drinks several mornings, hides bottles around her house, Christmas Eve was one of her worst public drunks, etc. etc. I have asked her more than a few times to get help and admit that she has a problem, but she and my very enabling codependent father deny that there is a problem.
I, too, have a problem with alcohol, but watching her descent helped motivate me to get sober 15 months ago. No one ever asked me to quit or suggested that I had a problem when I was a drinker, although looking back, it was more than obvious. I was handed water on occasion or a plate of food, but everyone was polite and kind and looked the other way. I asked my husband why he never called me out on my behavior and he said it was because I was always so sorry and was already beating myself up so much. Incidentally, my mother never apologizes for her humiliating behavior. I might have been considered by some as a "high bottom" drunk, although many would have quit much sooner than I did. Honestly, although I would have acted belligerent or hurt, I kind of wish the people who care about me would have called me out; I wish that they would have made me pay some consequences as I think it would have made me hit bottom sooner.
So, I am curious, do you think your friends and family have been fair with you and your alcoholism? What do you wish they would have done differently in regards to your problem? Do you think friends and family have/had much influence on your problems with alcohol and/or your efforts to get sober??
I, too, have a problem with alcohol, but watching her descent helped motivate me to get sober 15 months ago. No one ever asked me to quit or suggested that I had a problem when I was a drinker, although looking back, it was more than obvious. I was handed water on occasion or a plate of food, but everyone was polite and kind and looked the other way. I asked my husband why he never called me out on my behavior and he said it was because I was always so sorry and was already beating myself up so much. Incidentally, my mother never apologizes for her humiliating behavior. I might have been considered by some as a "high bottom" drunk, although many would have quit much sooner than I did. Honestly, although I would have acted belligerent or hurt, I kind of wish the people who care about me would have called me out; I wish that they would have made me pay some consequences as I think it would have made me hit bottom sooner.
So, I am curious, do you think your friends and family have been fair with you and your alcoholism? What do you wish they would have done differently in regards to your problem? Do you think friends and family have/had much influence on your problems with alcohol and/or your efforts to get sober??
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My Dad's side was tolerant of the one time I displayed public drunkenness. My mom's side was never tolerant, always berating, belittling, and judging. I hid my drinking from both sides of the family. I'm sure that their attitudes and treatment of me had nothing to do with my drinking behavior and my continuing to drink.
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No, I don't think I have been fair. When I was in the height of my problem, I was the most self-centered that I have ever been. I think if someone had addressed that fact it would have been helpful. I may not have faced it right away, but it would have not let me continue with my fake view that everything was normal.
I have no problems supporting someone that has a problem and struggles with that problem. I am beside myself with frustration that my mother in no way admits that she has a problem nor takes responsibility for her actions.
I have no problems supporting someone that has a problem and struggles with that problem. I am beside myself with frustration that my mother in no way admits that she has a problem nor takes responsibility for her actions.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
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My gf tried my brother came and stayed & left
im ashamed of that i put them through that i dont think i deserved help from them when i was drinking and in the end if i chose to drink no one would come near me and rightly so why should i get help if i kept choosing drink over my loved ones this was my mess i created and it wasnt right
i had to prove i wanted to be sober for me
without sounding dramatic i found myself in the darkness if that makes sense
im ashamed of that i put them through that i dont think i deserved help from them when i was drinking and in the end if i chose to drink no one would come near me and rightly so why should i get help if i kept choosing drink over my loved ones this was my mess i created and it wasnt right
i had to prove i wanted to be sober for me
without sounding dramatic i found myself in the darkness if that makes sense
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So, soberwolf, do you think that ultimatum - that no one who you cared about would come near you if you didn't admit that you had a problem helped you find your bottom and thus your sobriety? I am considering giving my mother that ultimatum and it is one of the most painful decisions that I have ever considered in my life.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
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My family has been nothing but wonderful even though I am sure they were at the end of their rope with me. I wouldn't be sober without them. My heart hurts for people who don't have that support.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Jackson MS
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My last bad drunk, my brother called me out pretty bad. We got into a heated exchange of words with him calling me the most selfish person he knows and telling me I need help because I'm an addict. When I first dealt with my parents over my drinking problem I was very young, and approached much as you would expect a hard-ass father to approach his drunk and foolish son. They were angry and would yell at me, sometimes to the point of being violent towards me. Back then I would get angry but I was weak of heart and scared of my dad, and would bite my tongue. More recently and at the height of my drinking problem I'd say my parents were the scared ones, as I could act quite unpredictably when angry, especially towards my stepmom. I'm not proud of some of the things I've said out of anger and resentment towards my parents when I was **** faced drunk. Instead of fighting or yelling back, my family would remind me I'm drunk and try to calmly get me to go to bed. The next day the anger for my behavior would come when they could approach me knowing I wouldn't retaliate the same way. Probably smart on their part, and possibly saved me from making some big mistakes.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Anger from my wife and frustrationfrom my Mum.
I have put my wife and my mum, mainly, through a hell of a lot.
Mum had me coming home from hospital, having had my stomach pumped at the age of 15. That was just one of many many escapades.
Mum was like a born Al-anon though, just detaching and detaching with love and there for me when I finally capitulated.
My wife on the other hand, fought fire with fire, which was interesting to say the least. Pretty much made things worse, but I guess she didn't know what else to do.
I have put my wife and my mum, mainly, through a hell of a lot.
Mum had me coming home from hospital, having had my stomach pumped at the age of 15. That was just one of many many escapades.
Mum was like a born Al-anon though, just detaching and detaching with love and there for me when I finally capitulated.
My wife on the other hand, fought fire with fire, which was interesting to say the least. Pretty much made things worse, but I guess she didn't know what else to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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When my dad died a few years back, he was in his 60s, and it was as a result of alcohol I had been caught in that dilemma for years.
The problem with a family member is if they don't want to change or even admit they have a problem, just like my dad, then what is the alternative, cut off contact permanently?
The reality would have been I would have never seen my dad again, he would have continued to drink regardless of any ultimatum, because alcohol sadly was more important than his family, and definitely more important than me.
All I know is at his funeral I was glad I hadn't cut him out of my life, it was tough not to, but at least I had contact with him over the years, but the decision was his to change, he didn't in the end, but at least I talked to him right up until he passed away rather than a few years of no contact, which made things easier in the end.
It's far from easy, but there is only so much commenting on someone's drinking that can be done, in the end I had to make the decision to be Sober, my dad unfortunately didn't, and nothing I believe could have changed that.
The problem with a family member is if they don't want to change or even admit they have a problem, just like my dad, then what is the alternative, cut off contact permanently?
The reality would have been I would have never seen my dad again, he would have continued to drink regardless of any ultimatum, because alcohol sadly was more important than his family, and definitely more important than me.
All I know is at his funeral I was glad I hadn't cut him out of my life, it was tough not to, but at least I had contact with him over the years, but the decision was his to change, he didn't in the end, but at least I talked to him right up until he passed away rather than a few years of no contact, which made things easier in the end.
It's far from easy, but there is only so much commenting on someone's drinking that can be done, in the end I had to make the decision to be Sober, my dad unfortunately didn't, and nothing I believe could have changed that.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 848
My mom only knows that I am an alcoholic. It's been well over a year since I've seen them. I told dad I don't wanna be around it but he can't stop. 20 bud lights a night/day habit.
He tried quitting once and was hallucinating so he gave up instead of seeing the doctor.
He tried quitting once and was hallucinating so he gave up instead of seeing the doctor.
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PurpleKnight, did you change anything about your exposure to your father? I am finding this emotionally difficult to keep accepting the crazy outbursts and ruined holidays for me and my children with absolutely no power for change. It breaks my heart to see her slowly committing suicide in front of my eyes and feeling so helpless. Especially as I now know how much better life is as a sober person.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons 
So, soberwolf, do you think that ultimatum - that no one who you cared about would come near you if you didn't admit that you had a problem helped you find your bottom and thus your sobriety? I am considering giving my mother that ultimatum and it is one of the most painful decisions that I have ever considered in my life.
i realised i had lost everything i ever cared about and i woke up one morning and said enough is enough
it started with me saying im an alcoholic then understanding & acceptance
i was alone in early sobriety i think it is better like that in some aspect
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Yeap that's all I could do, compared to the contact I would have had if he hadn't of had a problem with alcohol it was definitely more controlled on my part.
The important thing to me was accepting yes he had a problem and he was my dad, but HIS drinking isn't going to affect MY life, so when it came to visiting him it was during the day, when he wasn't really drunk, I never stayed over at his place for any reason, Xmas, birthdays, New Years etc I only briefly saw him, maybe went round his house for an hour or so to say hello, as those events usually involved large volumes of alcohol.
Girlfriends, friends, work colleagues rarely met my dad, my dad became one part of my life and I then lead my own life which was completely separate, rarely did both parts cross paths, because I was conscious of his drinking overshadowing many aspects of my own life.
Boundaries at the end of the day will reduce stress, anxiety and overall I felt I was controlling things, and not the other way around, which was the way it had been for a long time when I was growing up, my dad's drinking had an influence over so much.
People make their own choices, but sometimes they never get Sober, that's their choice, but putting my life on hold simply due to a blood connection wasn't an option, even when I then developed my own problem, I still think it would have been unfair for my drinking to affect another person in the same way, I got to view it both ways in the end!!
The important thing to me was accepting yes he had a problem and he was my dad, but HIS drinking isn't going to affect MY life, so when it came to visiting him it was during the day, when he wasn't really drunk, I never stayed over at his place for any reason, Xmas, birthdays, New Years etc I only briefly saw him, maybe went round his house for an hour or so to say hello, as those events usually involved large volumes of alcohol.
Girlfriends, friends, work colleagues rarely met my dad, my dad became one part of my life and I then lead my own life which was completely separate, rarely did both parts cross paths, because I was conscious of his drinking overshadowing many aspects of my own life.
Boundaries at the end of the day will reduce stress, anxiety and overall I felt I was controlling things, and not the other way around, which was the way it had been for a long time when I was growing up, my dad's drinking had an influence over so much.
People make their own choices, but sometimes they never get Sober, that's their choice, but putting my life on hold simply due to a blood connection wasn't an option, even when I then developed my own problem, I still think it would have been unfair for my drinking to affect another person in the same way, I got to view it both ways in the end!!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I started in AlAnon last March and quit drinking at the same time. Since working my program, I have concluded that I was probably also an alcoholic.
I remember drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol when I was in my 20s. My FOO really tried nothing direct, just passive/aggressive stuff like MADD stickers on their cars.
The last "intervention" I can remember is trying to buy health insurance with my partner. We were declined because we honestly stated how much alcohol we both consumed. At the time, I thought a six pack of beer or bottle of wine a day, every day, was "normal."
I finally hit bottom after working out of town for 6 months. During that time my partner's drinking escalated because he would never drink more than I did when I was there every day. In the process, he started getting very distant and was already drunk when I would get there on Friday nights after a work week. I quit in the hopes of improving our relationship.
After I had quit for a while, I saw my own problem for what it was. I no longer had "the drink" present to fool me into complacency.
I remember drinking unbelievable amounts of alcohol when I was in my 20s. My FOO really tried nothing direct, just passive/aggressive stuff like MADD stickers on their cars.
The last "intervention" I can remember is trying to buy health insurance with my partner. We were declined because we honestly stated how much alcohol we both consumed. At the time, I thought a six pack of beer or bottle of wine a day, every day, was "normal."
I finally hit bottom after working out of town for 6 months. During that time my partner's drinking escalated because he would never drink more than I did when I was there every day. In the process, he started getting very distant and was already drunk when I would get there on Friday nights after a work week. I quit in the hopes of improving our relationship.
After I had quit for a while, I saw my own problem for what it was. I no longer had "the drink" present to fool me into complacency.
Last edited by Eauchiche; 12-30-2014 at 05:40 PM. Reason: typo
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Have you explored AlAnon DD? There seems to be a belief or desire underlying your posts that the 'right' response might change things?
I had all kinds of responses from very tough love to laughing off my problem. Nothing worked - until I wanted to change.
I'm sorry DD - I know it's really tough, but I really believe the only person I can change is myself.
I had all kinds of responses from very tough love to laughing off my problem. Nothing worked - until I wanted to change.
I'm sorry DD - I know it's really tough, but I really believe the only person I can change is myself.
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