Feeling completely overwhelmed 😪
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
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Feeling completely overwhelmed 😪
The last few days I have been trying to sit with my feelings and trying to understand them but I am becoming so overwhelmed with the feelings of hurt and rejection all I seem to do is cry. I don't know how to deal with it and move forward!!
I am struggling with the kids esp DD who seems so angry all the time and when I try to talk to her it all blows up. If I ask her to do anything in the house it's an argument she's 20 years old and I shouldn't have to go on at her!! I have also caught her lying a lot but will stil adamantly defend herself and deny her lies!!
I know it's not easy for her especially when she sees me crying, or knows I've been crying which she gets annoyed about and if she sees me, although I try to wipe my eyes if she comes into the room she just walks out again.
I really can't cope any more with everything, my DD is fed up with me, I'm sure my friends are fed up with me and I sense at times everyone is. I want to run away!! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!
I am struggling with the kids esp DD who seems so angry all the time and when I try to talk to her it all blows up. If I ask her to do anything in the house it's an argument she's 20 years old and I shouldn't have to go on at her!! I have also caught her lying a lot but will stil adamantly defend herself and deny her lies!!
I know it's not easy for her especially when she sees me crying, or knows I've been crying which she gets annoyed about and if she sees me, although I try to wipe my eyes if she comes into the room she just walks out again.
I really can't cope any more with everything, my DD is fed up with me, I'm sure my friends are fed up with me and I sense at times everyone is. I want to run away!! I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!!!!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Butterfly, maybe it's time for your kids to move out. Seriously. They are adults and it's YOUR home. If you feel like crying in your own house, you should be able to. If your 20 y/o daughter can't help around the house and behave respectfully to you, she should find a different place to live.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I've said to her many times if she doesn't like living here she can move out, she even asked her dad once if she could live with him but quickly changed her mind, there is no way he would put up with the crap she gives me!!
Thing is when she's in good form she's so lovely and kind but watch out if she's not the attitude is like a 12 year old!!!!
Thing is when she's in good form she's so lovely and kind but watch out if she's not the attitude is like a 12 year old!!!!
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I've said to her many times if she doesn't like living here she can move out
that's passive/aggressive. you did not state that she has until a certain date circled on the calendar to move out, you merely inferred that if she didn't like it, she COULD go elsewhere.
now on her behalf, i'm sure this has to be so confusing and upsetting and she has to watch her mom dissolve into hurt and tears over and over...while her FATHER can't really be bothered so much. she's acting out.....she's upset and can't go to either of her parents for support right now....they are too wrapped up in their own stuff. imagine she's basically jumping up and down saying SEE ME, i'm still here and I need an adult to be stable and guide me thru this break up.....AGAIN. somewhere inside of her she probably feels like this is her fault....that's what kids do, even mostly grown kids. she also probably doesn't want to leave you in your current state. she needs help getting thru this too..........
you may not like this part, and not want to go thru it, but you have to, nonetheless.
that's passive/aggressive. you did not state that she has until a certain date circled on the calendar to move out, you merely inferred that if she didn't like it, she COULD go elsewhere.
now on her behalf, i'm sure this has to be so confusing and upsetting and she has to watch her mom dissolve into hurt and tears over and over...while her FATHER can't really be bothered so much. she's acting out.....she's upset and can't go to either of her parents for support right now....they are too wrapped up in their own stuff. imagine she's basically jumping up and down saying SEE ME, i'm still here and I need an adult to be stable and guide me thru this break up.....AGAIN. somewhere inside of her she probably feels like this is her fault....that's what kids do, even mostly grown kids. she also probably doesn't want to leave you in your current state. she needs help getting thru this too..........
you may not like this part, and not want to go thru it, but you have to, nonetheless.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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that's passive/aggressive. you did not state that she has until a certain date circled on the calendar to move out, you merely inferred that if she didn't like it, she COULD go elsewhere.
now on her behalf, i'm sure this has to be so confusing and upsetting and she has to watch her mom dissolve into hurt and tears over and over...while her FATHER can't really be bothered so much. she's acting out.....she's upset and can't go to either of her parents for support right now....they are too wrapped up in their own stuff. imagine she's basically jumping up and down saying SEE ME, i'm still here and I need an adult to be stable and guide me thru this break up.....AGAIN. somewhere inside of her she probably feels like this is her fault....that's what kids do, even mostly grown kids. she also probably doesn't want to leave you in your current state. she needs help getting thru this too..........
you may not like this part, and not want to go thru it, but you have to, nonetheless.[/QUOTE]
I don't want her to move out she's my daughter and I love her dearly and I do recognise this is very difficult for her and I have tried to talk to her about how she's feeling but she won't talk about it. She has given off a few times about him or said he seems depressed but that's it when I try to get anymore out of her she shuts down and gets defensive.
I understand that she may not want to talk to me for worry that she will upset me but I keep trying. Ive tried talking to her about addiction and brought home information from work that is easy to understand but she refuses to read it. I've talked to her about seeing a counsellor but again she won't!
It's not that I don't want to go through it I am struggling to manage it along with everything else but I will do anything I can to support her but I will not allow her to speak to me the way she does!!
now on her behalf, i'm sure this has to be so confusing and upsetting and she has to watch her mom dissolve into hurt and tears over and over...while her FATHER can't really be bothered so much. she's acting out.....she's upset and can't go to either of her parents for support right now....they are too wrapped up in their own stuff. imagine she's basically jumping up and down saying SEE ME, i'm still here and I need an adult to be stable and guide me thru this break up.....AGAIN. somewhere inside of her she probably feels like this is her fault....that's what kids do, even mostly grown kids. she also probably doesn't want to leave you in your current state. she needs help getting thru this too..........
you may not like this part, and not want to go thru it, but you have to, nonetheless.[/QUOTE]
I don't want her to move out she's my daughter and I love her dearly and I do recognise this is very difficult for her and I have tried to talk to her about how she's feeling but she won't talk about it. She has given off a few times about him or said he seems depressed but that's it when I try to get anymore out of her she shuts down and gets defensive.
I understand that she may not want to talk to me for worry that she will upset me but I keep trying. Ive tried talking to her about addiction and brought home information from work that is easy to understand but she refuses to read it. I've talked to her about seeing a counsellor but again she won't!
It's not that I don't want to go through it I am struggling to manage it along with everything else but I will do anything I can to support her but I will not allow her to speak to me the way she does!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....I think that Anvil's words are very important regarding your daughter and I hope that you will give them careful consideration. This has had to have been very hard ion your children as well as yourself.
You might want to get the children some help. They can carry the scars of living with alcoholism into their adulthood. A few weeks (or months) with a therapist as a family group is the most logical thing that I can think of.
I know that none of this is easy stuff---but, like anvil said--- you have to do what you have got to do.
Perhaps your current therapist can see you all as a group for a while or suggest someone for you all to see.
Your son is still young enough for alateen.
dandylion
You might want to get the children some help. They can carry the scars of living with alcoholism into their adulthood. A few weeks (or months) with a therapist as a family group is the most logical thing that I can think of.
I know that none of this is easy stuff---but, like anvil said--- you have to do what you have got to do.
Perhaps your current therapist can see you all as a group for a while or suggest someone for you all to see.
Your son is still young enough for alateen.
dandylion
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Dandylion, I have tried with them both to speak with someone with me or without me but they say no they don't want to, although I would love to be able to make them go I cant!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....they don't get to say "no". They can say that they don't want to or that they don't like it...but, they don't get to say "NO". You are the parent---they are living in your home. They are not living as independent adults! They are living on your dime.
You are providing the creature comforts for them.
You are not there to serve their pleasures..to the exclusion to their family responsibilities.
You need to be in charge in y our home--you make the rules.
Your husband ran rough shod over you during the marriage---you can't afford for your children to set the precedent of doing the same thing.
You have power and you have leverage.
You need to use it.
On this matter--it doesn't matter how angry or upset that they get.
There are l ots o f ways to apply leverage...but, my fingers are tired of typing, right now...LOL!
I am sure that others can help with suggestions about how to carry this o ut....
dandylion
You are providing the creature comforts for them.
You are not there to serve their pleasures..to the exclusion to their family responsibilities.
You need to be in charge in y our home--you make the rules.
Your husband ran rough shod over you during the marriage---you can't afford for your children to set the precedent of doing the same thing.
You have power and you have leverage.
You need to use it.
On this matter--it doesn't matter how angry or upset that they get.
There are l ots o f ways to apply leverage...but, my fingers are tired of typing, right now...LOL!
I am sure that others can help with suggestions about how to carry this o ut....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
No, you can't make them go to counseling, but here's what you could do.
Sit them down and say something like, "Look, this is tough on all of us, but you are adults now and I'm here to help you, but you have to start taking some responsibility if you are going to continue to live here. You may NOT be disrespectful to me. You WILL carry your share of the load in terms of chores, etc. I understand if you are upset, and I'll allow you to be upset, as long as it doesn't involve treating me like crap, or like your servant. There is help available to you if you want to get over being upset, and I'll help you get that. Those are the conditions, and if you can't or won't abide by them, you will have to find somewhere else to live."
And then, if it continues and nobody is even making an effort, you set a move-out deadline. And stick to it.
The bottom line is that they need to start growing up or they are going to have a tough time in life. Roommates and boyfriends/girlfriends won't put up with that crap (one hopes), and neither should you.
Sit them down and say something like, "Look, this is tough on all of us, but you are adults now and I'm here to help you, but you have to start taking some responsibility if you are going to continue to live here. You may NOT be disrespectful to me. You WILL carry your share of the load in terms of chores, etc. I understand if you are upset, and I'll allow you to be upset, as long as it doesn't involve treating me like crap, or like your servant. There is help available to you if you want to get over being upset, and I'll help you get that. Those are the conditions, and if you can't or won't abide by them, you will have to find somewhere else to live."
And then, if it continues and nobody is even making an effort, you set a move-out deadline. And stick to it.
The bottom line is that they need to start growing up or they are going to have a tough time in life. Roommates and boyfriends/girlfriends won't put up with that crap (one hopes), and neither should you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Weell......there are ways of applying leverage.
Pf course, one can try the respectful discussion and campaigning to their reason, etc.
If they stonewall that....then one could systematically apply pressure
week #1. No more washing their clothes or cleaning their rooms. No more cooking for them. If they are hungry--the food is in the kitchen..they can prepare it for themselves.
week #2. systematic removal of electronic gadgets and toys. TV, internet, telephones, etc.
week# 3. No more monies. Except for absolute necessities for the minor child.
Week #4. No more rides anywhere. Walk or public transportation
These are only suggestions. But, I am sure that you get the idea. It does work!
It is not your job to provide a cushy life--after they are of legal age. You are not ther to be their buddy or friend. You are to be their teacher. To prepare them to take their place as independent and capable adults in the real world.
(they won't stop l oving you no matter how mad they get in the short term).
You don't, and you shouldn't walk on eggshells with your children.
You are only asking them to attend a family meeting with a therapist. that is all!
You are not asking them to give up an arm or a leg.
dandylion
***it is never a good situation when the tail is wagging the dog.....
Pf course, one can try the respectful discussion and campaigning to their reason, etc.
If they stonewall that....then one could systematically apply pressure
week #1. No more washing their clothes or cleaning their rooms. No more cooking for them. If they are hungry--the food is in the kitchen..they can prepare it for themselves.
week #2. systematic removal of electronic gadgets and toys. TV, internet, telephones, etc.
week# 3. No more monies. Except for absolute necessities for the minor child.
Week #4. No more rides anywhere. Walk or public transportation
These are only suggestions. But, I am sure that you get the idea. It does work!
It is not your job to provide a cushy life--after they are of legal age. You are not ther to be their buddy or friend. You are to be their teacher. To prepare them to take their place as independent and capable adults in the real world.
(they won't stop l oving you no matter how mad they get in the short term).
You don't, and you shouldn't walk on eggshells with your children.
You are only asking them to attend a family meeting with a therapist. that is all!
You are not asking them to give up an arm or a leg.
dandylion
***it is never a good situation when the tail is wagging the dog.....
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Butterfly-
my kids have seen me cry a lot lately, and sometimes they get annoyed with me. But I do ask that they respect my feelings.
In fact I told my eldest one day that she was allowed to handle her emotions her way and she would do well to let me handle mine my way. I told her if she had any positive suggestions then I would be open to listening, but if she was coming to me to only criticize, then just don't bother.
You have a RIGHT to be sad. I feel sooooo many days, like I just can't hang on anymore. And I'm starting to feel like I don't HAVE to hang on anymore. Just let go and let God.
You have the RIGHT to cry. I cried so hard and so long a couple weeks back that my eyes were literally swollen!!! I looked .....well I looked very interesting.
Just allow yourself this time without feeling the pressure from those who clearly aren't concerned about your best interests. Your daughter is LUCKY to have a mom who lets her live at the house at age 20, she would do well to remember that!
You are strong and you are going to get through this. We both will. One way or the other. Lots and lots and lots of hugs to you right now. You deserve the life you are seeking.
my kids have seen me cry a lot lately, and sometimes they get annoyed with me. But I do ask that they respect my feelings.
In fact I told my eldest one day that she was allowed to handle her emotions her way and she would do well to let me handle mine my way. I told her if she had any positive suggestions then I would be open to listening, but if she was coming to me to only criticize, then just don't bother.
You have a RIGHT to be sad. I feel sooooo many days, like I just can't hang on anymore. And I'm starting to feel like I don't HAVE to hang on anymore. Just let go and let God.
You have the RIGHT to cry. I cried so hard and so long a couple weeks back that my eyes were literally swollen!!! I looked .....well I looked very interesting.
Just allow yourself this time without feeling the pressure from those who clearly aren't concerned about your best interests. Your daughter is LUCKY to have a mom who lets her live at the house at age 20, she would do well to remember that!
You are strong and you are going to get through this. We both will. One way or the other. Lots and lots and lots of hugs to you right now. You deserve the life you are seeking.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Butterfly,
From my observation you enabled your husband to disrespect you and you have stopped that. Your kids are doing just what they saw their Dad do. They need to see changes in you and that is called demanding RESPECT. You deserve it and that is what you are expecting from them.
By telling them these rules, then you are taking charge of your life. It is very hard to do what you are doing. But you need to make all these changes now, so you can finally move forward in your life. You need to change their attitude towards you. They have no idea how bad they are treating you. Its all they know.
Be patient but stern with them. Your way or the highway!! It will be worth the pain in the long run.
Good luck
From my observation you enabled your husband to disrespect you and you have stopped that. Your kids are doing just what they saw their Dad do. They need to see changes in you and that is called demanding RESPECT. You deserve it and that is what you are expecting from them.
By telling them these rules, then you are taking charge of your life. It is very hard to do what you are doing. But you need to make all these changes now, so you can finally move forward in your life. You need to change their attitude towards you. They have no idea how bad they are treating you. Its all they know.
Be patient but stern with them. Your way or the highway!! It will be worth the pain in the long run.
Good luck
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Hi Butterfly, I had the same problems with my DD at about the same age. Old enough to know better. I tried so many different strategies to get her to pull her weight, and eventually came up with one that worked.
I sat her down (do this with both of them), with pencil and paper. We listed the jobs that needed doing, and I asked her what she thought would be a fair division. You might be surprised at what she volunteers for, because she is being asked as an adult. My daughter volunteered to make a fair contribution and stuck to it. We also set a cleaning night, Thursday, where we got take-away and both cleaned together according to our plan.
Obviously they will do their personal stuff like laundry, room cleaning, their own ironing.
Now I'm going to sound hard, but she is probably fed up with coming into the room and finding you crying. She doesn't know what to do, she just wishes you'd get over it because it makes her uncomfortable. It's a lot for an immature 20yo to handle when she hasn't sorted her own feelings out yet.
Think about what you can do with this constant crying, or at least how you can keep it to yourself. If that sounds harsh, I have to tell you that I went for a period of around 2 years where I cried at least once a day, mostly a lot more. Everyone wanted me to get over it and I don't blame them. Go see your doctor again to see if there's anything he/she can do. You haven't had a holiday in 2014; schedule one, especially one with activities. And go see a lawyer about the finances. Do you have a pet? If not they're amazing therapy and you will forget all the reasons you couldn't get one.
Distract yourself, exercise, take some power into your own hands.
I sat her down (do this with both of them), with pencil and paper. We listed the jobs that needed doing, and I asked her what she thought would be a fair division. You might be surprised at what she volunteers for, because she is being asked as an adult. My daughter volunteered to make a fair contribution and stuck to it. We also set a cleaning night, Thursday, where we got take-away and both cleaned together according to our plan.
Obviously they will do their personal stuff like laundry, room cleaning, their own ironing.
Now I'm going to sound hard, but she is probably fed up with coming into the room and finding you crying. She doesn't know what to do, she just wishes you'd get over it because it makes her uncomfortable. It's a lot for an immature 20yo to handle when she hasn't sorted her own feelings out yet.
Think about what you can do with this constant crying, or at least how you can keep it to yourself. If that sounds harsh, I have to tell you that I went for a period of around 2 years where I cried at least once a day, mostly a lot more. Everyone wanted me to get over it and I don't blame them. Go see your doctor again to see if there's anything he/she can do. You haven't had a holiday in 2014; schedule one, especially one with activities. And go see a lawyer about the finances. Do you have a pet? If not they're amazing therapy and you will forget all the reasons you couldn't get one.
Distract yourself, exercise, take some power into your own hands.
Baby Steps
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thank you everyone for your responses, suggestions and support.
I do try to not cry around them and when I feel the need to cry I will go to my room or go out of the house.
I will make a doctor appointment next week and I'm trying to re juggle my finances to pay off any debt, ex A gives me money every month but he can't afford to give me more as he is "skint". His new apartment is expensive as is his drinking!!
I do try to not cry around them and when I feel the need to cry I will go to my room or go out of the house.
I will make a doctor appointment next week and I'm trying to re juggle my finances to pay off any debt, ex A gives me money every month but he can't afford to give me more as he is "skint". His new apartment is expensive as is his drinking!!
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Butterfly, I wish you the best the new years ever. You've already grown a lot more than you realize, and although I think this year is certainly going to bring some challenges I have so much faith in you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just remember to take care of yourself.
There's a new family dynamic being created between you and your children. That's kind of scary, but also full of wonderful opportunities if you proceed wisely. Think of it like childbirth. That wasn't a hoot and a holler, and certainly nothing I would want to do every day, but in the end it was worth it.
Happy New Year, Hon.
There's a new family dynamic being created between you and your children. That's kind of scary, but also full of wonderful opportunities if you proceed wisely. Think of it like childbirth. That wasn't a hoot and a holler, and certainly nothing I would want to do every day, but in the end it was worth it.
Happy New Year, Hon.
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Originally Posted by Butterfly 
Thank you everyone for your responses, suggestions and support.
I do try to not cry around them and when I feel the need to cry I will go to my room or go out of the house.
I will make a doctor appointment next week and I'm trying to re juggle my finances to pay off any debt, ex A gives me money every month but he can't afford to give me more as he is "skint". His new apartment is expensive as is his drinking!!
I do try to not cry around them and when I feel the need to cry I will go to my room or go out of the house.
I will make a doctor appointment next week and I'm trying to re juggle my finances to pay off any debt, ex A gives me money every month but he can't afford to give me more as he is "skint". His new apartment is expensive as is his drinking!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by Butterfly
I will make a doctor appointment next week and I'm trying to re juggle my finances to pay off any debt, ex A gives me money every month but he can't afford to give me more as he is "skint". His new apartment is expensive as is his drinking!!
Please consider talking to a lawyer asap re the finances. All history will be taken into account, but it may not be the simple split that you imagine. As a project, get as much financial information together as you can, including the history of your last separation, and summarise for the lawyer. You may have to pay for the first visit, but once you engage him/her, they will probably defer fees until a settlement is reached.
Don't buy into the myth about vengeful wives taking their husbands to the cleaner. The court has a reliable formula to split assets that takes everything into account, but a lot of men think of valuing a woman's contribution to the family as being 'ripped off'.
Baby Steps
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Thanks feelinggreat, I've left a message for a solicitor to contact me, they're closed for the holidays, just for advise at this stage. I don't want anything from him, I just want to keep my home and for him to continue to provide financial support until DS leaves education and is able to get a job. I don't want his apartment or anything else from him.
I think it's different here in the UK where each party pays for their legal bills it doesn't come out of joint assets but I will find all that out when I speak to a solicitor.
Unless he lies and says we have been separated for 2 years he doesn't have the grounds to divorce me but I can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Although I don't want a divorce i am beginning to realise it may be the only way I move forward from him and let him go completely and I have got the point where there is no going back for us even if he decided to get sober, he has hurt me too much this time, he's made his feelings clear, whether that's how he feels or not as they change by the day, but regardless he will not give up drinking and I will no longer allow myself to be treated as he has treated me and I deserve better. As some of you may know the thought of divorce filled me with fear and caused me to burst into tears, it doesn't now and I feel calmer about it
I love him, I always will but I will love him from a distance but will look after myself and my kids first!
I think it's different here in the UK where each party pays for their legal bills it doesn't come out of joint assets but I will find all that out when I speak to a solicitor.
Unless he lies and says we have been separated for 2 years he doesn't have the grounds to divorce me but I can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. Although I don't want a divorce i am beginning to realise it may be the only way I move forward from him and let him go completely and I have got the point where there is no going back for us even if he decided to get sober, he has hurt me too much this time, he's made his feelings clear, whether that's how he feels or not as they change by the day, but regardless he will not give up drinking and I will no longer allow myself to be treated as he has treated me and I deserve better. As some of you may know the thought of divorce filled me with fear and caused me to burst into tears, it doesn't now and I feel calmer about it
I love him, I always will but I will love him from a distance but will look after myself and my kids first!
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