Screwdriver

Hi I am the mum of a 45year old Daughter (Uk based) who is an alcoholic she has two little boys nothing seems to work we have tried to help her but she lies so much we can't believe her any more.She tried a detox program but failed and she is having counselling but sometimes she seems worse after it.we live abroad most of the time but come back to the uk every six weeks to see her.help!

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome--sorry you are having to deal with this situation. It doesn't sound like your daughter is ready to quit drinking, and there really isn't anything you can do to MAKE her be ready. If I were you I'd concentrate on the welfare of her two little boys. Where is their father in all this? Is he around?

Screwdriver

The father is still with them but he has to go to work and it is putting a strain on their relationship which is not good for her as she feels insecure.we have told her once she stops drinking things will get better

maia1234

SD,
I am so sorry you are suffering with your daughters alcoholism. She obliviously is not ready to get some help, so what do you do in the mean time.

First off you came and requested info from "SR". Which is awesome as everyone here loves an addict. If you continue to read, you will see that there is no magic pill to getting them sober. What you will find is that you need to educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism and realize that we can only help ourselves.

Is there any alanon meetings around you or open AA meetings. This is a wonderful starting point. Your daughter is an Alcoholic and needs her alcohol like we need oxygen. She can't even comprehend living without alcohol. So crying, yelling, threatening, pleading and using guilt of her children will not work, to get her to stop drinking. So, to make it a little nicer to be around her, you need to give her to "God" or your higher power. You can no longer watch over everything she does, plus obsessing about what she is doing will drive you crazy.

Read, read and keep reading about all the positive things you can do in your life to make it better. I would reach out to the Dad and see if he is getting any help. Not sure how old the kids are, can you talk to them and see if they are in any danger.

Keep reaching out and educate yourself and life will get a "little" better.

Screwdriver

The children are 7&9 years so they don't really know what is going on. We are worried that she might drive with them when she has had a drink so we think the only way to keep them and her and any other road users safe is to take the car keys from her, the only thing is she has to drive them to school and she is a Mobile hairdresser.what should we do!!?

LexieCat

Why isn't their DAD making sure the children are safe? Does he realize how much she might be endangering them? Or is he simply oblivious?

I don't see how you, as the parent of an adult daughter, are going to be able to prevent her from driving. Do you KNOW whether she drives drunk with the kids? If she does, and the father isn't willing to take steps to protect them, it might be time to get child protective services involved. Even if she isn't driving with them after drinking, this is a very unhealthy situation for the kids. Al-Anon could be a great help to you and to the kids' father, if he is willing to go.

changeneeded

Greetings, Welcome, and I'm sorry to meet you under these circumstances.

Please, read round here some and perhaps you will find at least a bit of peace. Your posts all seem to be made from panic, and I completely understand your fears! If any of us had magic advice, this support forum would probably not be here. We are in the same place as you, except some are further along than others.

I wish you well, and hope that you will find some comfort in reading around this support board.
Hugs to you

Vandermast

If you guys hang around here you will find the answers and support you need if you keep an open mind.

V

Chantal88

Screwdriver -

What kind of detox program was it? There is a lot of literature out there and you will find many differing points of view. I would hesitate to follow any one set of advice because every situation is different. It may be that your loved one is ready for rehab and it may be that she is not. It is really impossible for anyone to know besides you and the people that know her best.

Personally I have seen many people struggle with addiction, including those very close to me. Sometimes it ends well - I know someone who is in recovery now and doing very well for himself. And sometimes it does not - I know several people who have committed suicide from their addiction. Like any situation, it is good to hold onto hope but also healthy to accept the outcome that it may not end the way we would like.

I believe that we do not have control over everything, but we do have some control. It may be a tiny percent, but it is important to figure out on your own what you can control and what you cannot.

I hope I made some sense.

NWGRITS

This is something adults love to tell themselves, but it's not true. I can guarantee those children know a heck of a lot more than you will ever give them credit for. This affects them to their core and they need help now to cope with it all. You can't stop your daughter from drinking, but you can help those boys by trying to keep them in a safe environment as much as possible. It's apparent that their father doesn't really get what's happening and is hurting them further. Please, please learn all you can about alcoholism and how it affects the children. We have a board here just for Adult Children of Alcoholics (which include myself and many, many other members here) with lots of useful information, as well. I'm glad you've found us here, and I hope you will get help for yourselves and those precious children sooner rather than later.

Seren

Hello Screwdriver and Welcome! I'm just so sorry to hear about your daughter. I have a stepson who is an alcoholic, crack addict, and polysubstance abuser. He, fortunately, does not have a wife and children that he has been dragging along on his awful ride.

I wish....Oh, how I wish I could provide you with some magic set of words to say or some definite actions that you and those who love your daughter could take that would turn this all around.

But there are no such words or actions on our part... The overwhelmingly sad truth is that she has to be the one who wants to change her life more than she wants anything else.

I hope that everyone who cares about your daughter will continue to encourage her to get help. One thread that really helped me to think about all of this in a new way is here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I hope you will continue to come here to vent and ask questions. I understand how painful this has been for you....for everyone who loves your daughter.

Please take good care, and I hope and pray that 2015 will be a much better year for your whole family.

Screwdriver

Thank you all for your input it has certainly helped us to come to some decisions .we arrived back at her home last night after visiting our son and she was in a bad drunken state,her partner walked out when we arrived and said he couldn't take any more and was going to his parents. As I said before we are worried she may take the children out in the car when she has had a drink ,although she swears she would never do that we have decided to take the car keys away.which by the way we have been telling him to do for some time.this has not gone down very well and she says we are not helping as she has made up her mind to stop and we will just be making it harder for her to do so.we are sticking by our decision as we can't risk the boys,hers or other road users lives and she has to be made to face the consequences of her drinking . Do you think we are doing the right thing?.!!

sugarbear1

protecting the children is the right thing to do.

is she willing to go to AA?

are you willing to go to al anon?

Screwdriver

She has been to AA and Alnon she is now going to CRI and has a key worker. Since my last post I have found out that she has been getting diazepam from somewhere as the Dr would not give it to her and as I said her partner has walked out and has told her today that they are over so we cannot go back to our home in Spain Wednesday as booked and will be staying with her and the boys and try to get her well again

headcase1

Your daughter can do positive things if she tries,but she has to be the one who really puts the effort into her sobriety.Sounds like she has a good family to stick with her.I wish you all good luck!

BlueChair

Aww Screwdriver Yes I think your doing the right thing. I have a friend in the UK whos husband was under CRI too. She started using Smart Recovery and it has a program for families called Community Reiforcement and Family Training, craft for short. Like your doing allow negative consequences (removing car to protect children) and with craft you also want to actively encourage, acknowledge and even provide positive feelings or rewards when she does things to improve her sobriety. With this method we learn how to help our family member move through the stages of change. I know there is a UK Smart website and you can look at the USA one also. My friend also contacted her husbands case worker and they did some counseling with her directly on the family side. This might help give you more support and information.

Bamawife

Keep in mind that YOU cannot do anything for her. SHE must make the changes herself. As much as you want to help, it requires tough love. I wish you all the best!

Screwdriver

Thank you all for your advice we are going to go to some Al anon meetings to try and get help as well. Our AD is still going to mind and CRI for counselling but does not do what they are telling her,as I said before she is a Mobil hairdresser but we are not letting her drive so we are taking to her clients but we are not sure if this is the right thing to do as we may be enabling her and it is not making it hard enough for her to want to stop. We thought her partner leaving her would be a wake up call for her but she just says it has made her worse as she needs to have something to stop the pain even though she knows it is not the answer we are at our whits end and don't know what is the right thing to do can anyone help !!!!

FeelingGreat

Screwdriver, I'm shocked that her husband can walk out and leave the children with an AM as if he has no responsibility for them. He's just thrown up his hands and left it to you two. Is there nothing that can be done to get him to look after the children, or at least take part in their care?
I'm so sorry she feels she can't stop, but remember the children have 2 parents. The more you take on, the less he will do.

knowthetriggers

Hi and welcome to the group! I can tell you that when I started going to my Al-Anon meetings my life became more manageable and I was able to clear my mind. It took some time but the meetings and the support here are a great way to start taking care of YOU.
Your AD will find her way when she is ready.