Cant snap out of it
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Cant snap out of it
This may sound silly.. but even though i would never get back together with my axbf, i wish he would text me that he wishes we were still together. He now lives with a new gf and I'm alone thinking he is so happy and has a fresh start with this new woman. I know some in here hate when they hear from their ex's ... but i would feel better knowing he actually wanted me back. Is this silly?
After i kicked him out of my house 4 months ago, we have had contact, mostly through texts, and he apologized for all the madness he caused in my life.. but never did he say he wanted to get back together. Makes me feel like he was just using me until he was able to do for himself. Im pretty sure i wouldn't reply if he did contact me, but it would be nice to know that he misses me.
After i kicked him out of my house 4 months ago, we have had contact, mostly through texts, and he apologized for all the madness he caused in my life.. but never did he say he wanted to get back together. Makes me feel like he was just using me until he was able to do for himself. Im pretty sure i wouldn't reply if he did contact me, but it would be nice to know that he misses me.
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I think at some point we all feel like we need external validation, and it makes sense to want the last person who hurt us to be the one to give it to us, but at the end of the day, letting go of that need for the person who hurt us to be the one to heal us makes room to let the right person in -- ourselves.
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Being obsessed with a former bf or husband, even one you don't want back, isn't uncommon. It passes with time but it helps to get as busy as possible ... fast walking helped me, getting out of my home, Alanon meetings. It also helped me to see the mind like a primitive computer -- garbage in, garbage out -- so I could "change the channel" when unwanted thoughts interfered.
But it was Alanon that helped the most and brought about real change so that I didn't pick another alcoholic or someone else equally unavailable. The problem was self-esteem and for that I had to take "esteemable" actions.
But it was Alanon that helped the most and brought about real change so that I didn't pick another alcoholic or someone else equally unavailable. The problem was self-esteem and for that I had to take "esteemable" actions.
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I'm so sorry you're hurting.. hugs
I read some of your past posts and you deserve so much more. I pray that you take time to discover who you really are and embrace wonderful you. You are worth every ounce of love and respect any other person wants and desires. All of this hurt will pass with time and you will find you are better off and wiser for it.
hugs and more hugs
I read some of your past posts and you deserve so much more. I pray that you take time to discover who you really are and embrace wonderful you. You are worth every ounce of love and respect any other person wants and desires. All of this hurt will pass with time and you will find you are better off and wiser for it.
hugs and more hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Cleo.....I'll bet you might hear some "sweet nothings" when his new enabler gets tired of him.
Wanting him to "miss" you is human nature, I think. We all want to feel important and that we matter. Of course, we do!
Reality: This sucks. There is no choice but to grieve the loss and leave this mess in the past.
The best thing for you hon, is to make sure that you only bond in the future with someone who has their s*** together enough that they are capable of valuing you for your yourself and not just as a caretaker.
If you have to work on yourself ----then now is the time to do so. Self-development and exploration.
I would say to invest the same energy in yourself as you did in him...and none of this will be a loss.
Are you going to alanon? Would you consider it? You couldn't find better free therapy anywhere!!! lol.
dandylion
Wanting him to "miss" you is human nature, I think. We all want to feel important and that we matter. Of course, we do!
Reality: This sucks. There is no choice but to grieve the loss and leave this mess in the past.
The best thing for you hon, is to make sure that you only bond in the future with someone who has their s*** together enough that they are capable of valuing you for your yourself and not just as a caretaker.
If you have to work on yourself ----then now is the time to do so. Self-development and exploration.
I would say to invest the same energy in yourself as you did in him...and none of this will be a loss.
Are you going to alanon? Would you consider it? You couldn't find better free therapy anywhere!!! lol.
dandylion
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Sure appreciate your honesty, Cleo. I too wish I would get that magical e-mail or call wanting us to get back together. From the looks of things on this site, this rarely happens, and if it does, turns out well even less.
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Thank you all..!! I really appreciate the kind and uplifting words. I feel like a broken record and I'm really trying my hardest to get past this. I know there are steps i can still take to help my healing along.. such as, not peaking on his FB or twitter and go to Al-anon meetings, which i haven't gone to yet. It's getting easier as time goes by and being here with you fine people has helped more than you realize. Thank you, again!!
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If it helps, my obsessional thinking about the ex felt like a swarm of bees in my head. Active alcoholics are incapable of real feelings, what he's done is trade one enabler for another. Not very romantic!
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
If it helps, my obsessional thinking about the ex felt like a swarm of bees in my head. Active alcoholics are incapable of real feelings, what he's done is trade one enabler for another. Not very romantic!
I hate that he's on my mind so much when I'm probably not on his.
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Real Question.
If you want a guy . . . . btw, there are something like 3 billion of us guys on the planet . . . so there are likely one or many suitable for YOU . . . why do you not get one?
Not being harsh at all -- or at least not meaning to -- but why would you want an A?
btw, let me fix this little part up for you?
to -- ". . . he was just using me until he was able to find someone else to use."
Does that sound more like it?
If you want a guy . . . . btw, there are something like 3 billion of us guys on the planet . . . so there are likely one or many suitable for YOU . . . why do you not get one?
Not being harsh at all -- or at least not meaning to -- but why would you want an A?
btw, let me fix this little part up for you?
. . . he was just using me until he was able to do for himself.
Does that sound more like it?
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Originally Posted by Hammer
Real Question.
If you want a guy . . . . btw, there are something like 3 billion of us guys on the planet . . . so there are likely one or many suitable for YOU . . . why do you not get one?
If you want a guy . . . . btw, there are something like 3 billion of us guys on the planet . . . so there are likely one or many suitable for YOU . . . why do you not get one?
Are you saying that I'm the issue?.. Maybe so.. My heads in a cloud these days.
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Hi Cleo1234- A little over 3 months ago my RAGF broke up with me. Even though it was no good between us for like the last 12 months or so, I felt like I'd been discarded like a piece of trash. "After all I did for her, all I put up with, and this is how i get treated" and all the common bitter thoughts went through my head. I hated her, but wanted her back. What a mess.
What I realized though is that I was just mad that I didn't break up with her. No one likes to feel dumped. When I got some "validation" she still loved me and how hard it's been for her to be away from my son and I, at first I got that little hit of satisfaction that she wants me back, blah blah. Then I really thought about it... what was I actually missing from this relationship? Things that I wanted but she wasn't able to give. I kept thinking once this happened or that happened she'd be better and we could have a relationship; that the person I knew she could be would pop out and we'd be happy.
I was in love with a fantasy. When I look at reality, I do not want to go back there. Now, if I were to get that call "can I come back"... the answer has to be no. I haven't changed and neither has she. I am not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone until I learn to have one with myself. And when I step back and look at my ex, her choices and how she conducts herself, I don't want to be with that kind of person.
I too, am tired of someone else having rent space in my head, esp when she isn't thinking of me nearly as much. For me what works is less contact (no contact if that's feasible). The more time we spend "hanging out" or chatting on the phone only teases my mind into thinking it could be OK.
The fact that he's with someone else yet calling you tells me that he is not capable of having an honest relationship with anyone right now. Take some time and grieve the loss of what you thought he'd be or you'd have together, which will help you move on in time.
What I realized though is that I was just mad that I didn't break up with her. No one likes to feel dumped. When I got some "validation" she still loved me and how hard it's been for her to be away from my son and I, at first I got that little hit of satisfaction that she wants me back, blah blah. Then I really thought about it... what was I actually missing from this relationship? Things that I wanted but she wasn't able to give. I kept thinking once this happened or that happened she'd be better and we could have a relationship; that the person I knew she could be would pop out and we'd be happy.
I was in love with a fantasy. When I look at reality, I do not want to go back there. Now, if I were to get that call "can I come back"... the answer has to be no. I haven't changed and neither has she. I am not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone until I learn to have one with myself. And when I step back and look at my ex, her choices and how she conducts herself, I don't want to be with that kind of person.
I too, am tired of someone else having rent space in my head, esp when she isn't thinking of me nearly as much. For me what works is less contact (no contact if that's feasible). The more time we spend "hanging out" or chatting on the phone only teases my mind into thinking it could be OK.
The fact that he's with someone else yet calling you tells me that he is not capable of having an honest relationship with anyone right now. Take some time and grieve the loss of what you thought he'd be or you'd have together, which will help you move on in time.
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Originally Posted by NotSoSmart
Hi Cleo1234- A little over 3 months ago my RAGF broke up with me. Even though it was no good between us for like the last 12 months or so, I felt like I'd been discarded like a piece of trash. "After all I did for her, all I put up with, and this is how i get treated" and all the common bitter thoughts went through my head. I hated her, but wanted her back. What a mess.
What I realized though is that I was just mad that I didn't break up with her. No one likes to feel dumped. When I got some "validation" she still loved me and how hard it's been for her to be away from my son and I, at first I got that little hit of satisfaction that she wants me back, blah blah. Then I really thought about it... what was I actually missing from this relationship? Things that I wanted but she wasn't able to give. I kept thinking once this happened or that happened she'd be better and we could have a relationship; that the person I knew she could be would pop out and we'd be happy.
I was in love with a fantasy. When I look at reality, I do not want to go back there. Now, if I were to get that call "can I come back"... the answer has to be no. I haven't changed and neither has she. I am not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone until I learn to have one with myself. And when I step back and look at my ex, her choices and how she conducts herself, I don't want to be with that kind of person.
I too, am tired of someone else having rent space in my head, esp when she isn't thinking of me nearly as much. For me what works is less contact (no contact if that's feasible). The more time we spend "hanging out" or chatting on the phone only teases my mind into thinking it could be OK.
The fact that he's with someone else yet calling you tells me that he is not capable of having an honest relationship with anyone right now. Take some time and grieve the loss of what you thought he'd be or you'd have together, which will help you move on in time.
What I realized though is that I was just mad that I didn't break up with her. No one likes to feel dumped. When I got some "validation" she still loved me and how hard it's been for her to be away from my son and I, at first I got that little hit of satisfaction that she wants me back, blah blah. Then I really thought about it... what was I actually missing from this relationship? Things that I wanted but she wasn't able to give. I kept thinking once this happened or that happened she'd be better and we could have a relationship; that the person I knew she could be would pop out and we'd be happy.
I was in love with a fantasy. When I look at reality, I do not want to go back there. Now, if I were to get that call "can I come back"... the answer has to be no. I haven't changed and neither has she. I am not ready for a healthy relationship with anyone until I learn to have one with myself. And when I step back and look at my ex, her choices and how she conducts herself, I don't want to be with that kind of person.
I too, am tired of someone else having rent space in my head, esp when she isn't thinking of me nearly as much. For me what works is less contact (no contact if that's feasible). The more time we spend "hanging out" or chatting on the phone only teases my mind into thinking it could be OK.
The fact that he's with someone else yet calling you tells me that he is not capable of having an honest relationship with anyone right now. Take some time and grieve the loss of what you thought he'd be or you'd have together, which will help you move on in time.
Thank you for sharing your story with me... We don't have contact anymore for the past month, probably because he has promised to pay me back money and has not done so thus far. I ignored his last text to me a month ago when he texted "please don't hate me" ... I'm not sure if he was implying the message to be because he hasn't paid me anything or of the pain the caused me during our relationship. I need to stop romantisizing his new relationship and know that he will eventually treat her the same as he treated me, because that is the person he is! But, regardless of how his new relationship is now, i know that ours was toxic and i have a 11 year old son that i didn't want to keep exposing this to. Im not sure how much my son was damaged from this all. My xabf only lived with us for 8 months, but my son saw some bizarre behavior from him along with my xabf yelling at me numerous times when we were upstairs trying to fight in "private"
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Cleo - I too have an 11 year old son. He is now in counseling b/c he was stuffing his feelings about this break up and it came out sideways as anger at school. He has been through a lot - we were together since he was 6. It wasn't violent but b/c I was so involved with getting and keep her sober for so long, he wasn't the priority he should have been. There were a lot of times we holed up in a room to talk that he was left watching TV in another room. I feel terrible about that now. However I can make living amends to him today by not giving him false hopes that we might get back together (which is what he's said he wants) and by keeping him in the priority spot where kids belong in their parent's world.
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Originally Posted by NotSoSmart
Cleo - I too have an 11 year old son. He is now in counseling b/c he was stuffing his feelings about this break up and it came out sideways as anger at school. He has been through a lot - we were together since he was 6. It wasn't violent but b/c I was so involved with getting and keep her sober for so long, he wasn't the priority he should have been. There were a lot of times we holed up in a room to talk that he was left watching TV in another room. I feel terrible about that now. However I can make living amends to him today by not giving him false hopes that we might get back together (which is what he's said he wants) and by keeping him in the priority spot where kids belong in their parent's world.
Thank you for sharing! Even though my xabf only lived with us for 8 months, i also have guilt for what my son had to witness. As you, my son would be downstairs watching tv and we were upstairs either arguing or having long talks about his drinking. My xabf was good to my son and always treated him nicely, but my son always felt his moodiness. I hate that my son had to feel this way in his own home! For my sons sake alone, its a blessing the relationship ended. My son should not have to witness any unstableness from a man that is not even his own father... and to boot, he would see that i was taking care of everything since he was unemployed most of the relationship.
If you don't mind sharing, NotSoSmart... why does your son want you back together with your ex, if he has had some negative effects of the relationship?
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