SeaofConfusion

I have been trying to end a relationship with my AH. For a year.

I really thought that having a conversation that included the words, "I'm leaving" would just be it (hey, I was a year younger and naive!). At first my AH was contrite, sweet, apologetic - and I thought I was maybe being unreasonable, so I agreed to give it another shot.

And then he stopped drinking - but just became a dry drunk. And then things went downhill. And then he started drinking again, which has now morphed into him drinking heavily and not even trying to hide it, and absolutely refusing to get treatment.

Basically, we are now at the point where I feel like I am doing nothing, and he keeps saying how I'm so awful for just wanting to throw away many years of marriage, that my standards are too high and he can't ever make me happy no matter what he does, etc. We have kids, and he keeps pointing out all the ways I've failed them or been a terrible role model. (I'll admit I'm far from perfect (who is?) and I've made some choices I wish I hadn't.)

I feel like his verbal diarrhea is out of control most days. He's lashing out because he knows where this is heading, which just makes me feel like he's putting another nail in the relationship coffin. I know he's just angry, and he's out to hurt in any way he can.

But when I'm right in the middle of a round of verbal onslaught, I shut down. Like, completely. For some reason, my brain just absorbs whatever he says, and I think to myself, "Hey, maybe he's right. Maybe I actually am a crappy role model who isn't giving him a fair chance. Maybe he doesn't actually need treatment, and I'm just overreacting. Maybe that intervention his family and I staged really was unfair and horrible and I should apologize. Maybe I do need to stop talking to his deeply concerned family, because he said so."

So I'm feeling VERY anxious about trying to have a final conversation about this with him, which I feel like I owe him (I don't know why). I'm going to wait until after the holiday, which gives me a couple days to "prepare" and let my stomach tie itself into knots. But I'm afraid he's going to talk me out of what I know the right thing to do is, afraid that maybe I'm really not right about the right thing to do.

I'm sure others have dealt with this - so how do I calm the voices in my head and stay strong?

Hawkeye13

Will he move or will you?

Sounds like you shouldn't be in the same house.
He is an active alcoholic on the attack.
This isn't good for you, and it certainly is harmful for your kids.

What do you see as some proactive steps you can take in the next few days?

hopeful4

Oh how I feel for you. Last year I had told my XAH that I wanted a divorce. He begged to just wait it out and not ruin the holidays, which I did. How he would show me he could change, blah, blah, blah.

I sat there in misery the entire time like a ticking clock. I kept going to Celebrate Recovery. I got myself into counseling with an addiction specialist who is also a psychiatrist. I worked on myself so I knew no matter what would happen, I would be strong enough to know I could get through it. I have two kids also.

Things got better for a bit. Then in March blew up, and it was awful, in front of my kids. If I could do it all over again, I would calmly follow through with what I really wanted anyways, a divorce. There will never be a "right" time. However, as soon as he was out of the house, I felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my back. I knew whatever would come my way I would handle it the best I could for myself and my children. I still know that now. Divorce is not easy. However, it is so much better than living like that.

And don't think you are doing your kids any favors by living in those conditions. Recently my daughter's counselor asked her to describe how she feels about our divorce in one word. Her answer, "relief." That really opened my eyes.

Work on you. You deserve so much better than this, so do your children.

XXX

AnvilheadII

what plans do you have in place to deal with the separation?
does he move?
or do you and the kids move? have you looked at possible places?
are you in a financial position to support yourself - rent, house payments, bills, auto loans, gas, kids clothing and school needs, etc etc.
do you have your important papers in order? financial documents, birth certificates, medical records, retirement accounts, insurance certificates.
do you have a bank account in your own name with only your access?
are the online accounts password protected? do you regularly clean the internet history?
have you contacted a lawyer?
if you move, does this affect where your kids attend school or do you stay in the same district?
do you own any of the vehicles outright or will there be any difficulty in having the use of one vehicle?

i'd strongly suggest you have a well thought out PLAN in place before tossing out any ultimatums. and i even stronger suggest you do not tell HIM a thing about these plans. don't keep handing bullets to the the guy with the gun.

dandylion

SeaofConfusion...do you think he will become physical if he thinks you are serious?

dandylion

SeaofConfusion

Hawkeye - I don't know what will happen with the moving situation. We have a rental property he can stay at (it wouldn't be big enough for me and the kids and the pets, and I think I probably should keep them all with me). He has been keeping a room there, though. He thinks I should move, and my parents and friends have generously offered to assist me if it comes to that.

Positive steps - I have no clue what to do! I've started a list of my key points of contention, but that's about it - and that's not even really done. Is there something more I can/should do?

SeaofConfusion

Dandylion - No, I don't think he'll actually become physical, although he weighs well over 100lbs more than I do - so he likes to intimidate.

Anvil - These are good questions - and some of these things I have, and some I don't. I went through the divorce application, and I'm trying to make sure I'm able to answer as many questions as possible.

Eauchiche

Dear Seal
I am so sorry for you and your kids.
My higher Power was kind to me. I had to take a job 2-1/2 hours away. I was there when our breakup happened.
I doubt I would have had the strength to leave if I still lived there.
Good luck to you! You will find a LOT of support here.

ostrichess

Thankyou for sharing your story. I am unable to advise as I am also where you are but in my own way.
All I will say is stay strong even if it seems like you can't. SR has helped me loads since joining.
Having a weak moment hence I'm here xx
Positive thoughts being sent your way xx

NYCDoglvr

Alanon got me through this and I strongly recommend finding local meeting. I was able to talk about the pain with people who had also been in the same situation. Saved my sanity by lowering the stress