Timetoheal12

Anytime my friends visit or hang out with me they suggest that I should get a new boyfriend and just forget about XABF.
Since they do this every time I see them, I honestly don't feel like giving explanations. I just keep it short and say I feel like I need to work a lot about myself.

I have never told them that I think he is an alcoholic because many of them are actually mutual friends (his and mine).
They are young, like me. Some of them are even younger (like 18, 19 years old).

I have been isolating myself a little from them because it seems that in their eyes I am waiting for him or something. No, that's not what happens.
I don't want to sound like a victim and tell them "Oh, I was abused, I let that happen and I got to forget about him and fix myself".


Should I keep on isolating myself from them?


Oh, btw... I just saw this gif and it made me smile, lol:

SparkleKitty

When I began recovery I found it best to surround myself with people who brought out the best in me, supported me, and understood that I was going through a lot of changes that I wasn't always ready to talk about, and who only gave advice when I asked for it.

Try not to imagine you know what your friends are thinking about you, though, that's a big waste of time and even if you knew, you couldn't do anything about it.

You don't owe anyone any explanation or excuses. If they keep pressuring you and don't respect your request to leave it alone, then it might time for more supportive friends.

Timetoheal12

This, exactly this.
It has been a long while now since everything happened and they still want to see me with a new bf. One of them even got mad at me for not assisting to a blind date she made for me.

I'm sure I'm not ready.
I don't want to lose time either, but I'm being honest with myself. I want to deal with my issues instead of hiding them by starting something new.

Am I wrong at thinking I need more time to even think about starting a new relationship?

SparkleKitty

Not even a little bit. You have PLENTY of time. I took three years off from dating after my divorce, when I went into recovery and therapy for ACoA issues. Best gift I ever gave myself. That was 10 or 11 years ago. Today, I am very happily re-married to a great guy for the last four years.

Don't sell yourself short when it comes to relationship (friendly or romantic). Life is too short to spend it with the wrong people, but long enough to wait for the right ones.

The most important ingredient to any healthy relationship is a healthy YOU. Take all the time you need to get good with you.

Sara21

Personally, I think it's a good idea to take some time for yourself. Being with someone who has addiction issues can be traumatic and overwhelming. I've also been approached about dating by well-meaning family and friends, and my response has always been a polite, but firm, "no thank you". I've been lucky that they respect my decision.
I think some people have a difficult time being by themselves that they can't fathom anyone else wanting to be on their own. I also think that for me it's not just about wanting to be on my own, but needing to be on my own. Just like people with addictions need to work on their recovery, those of us that love them need to work on ours. And that takes time.

Timetoheal12

Thank you SparkleKitty

It's always good to hear that there's hope after the pain and the recovery.

Timetoheal12

This is how I'm currently feeling, Sara.... I NEED to be in my own.
I NEED to learn how to love myself and I NEED to let go.

It has been a year since I broke up with him, but after that he came back several times. The last one was just two months ago and his last message to me was a few days ago, so firs, I had to get rid of that number...
And now I need to "detox".

Thanks for your words!

Rosalba

I know from experience that trying to have a relationship within a year of a breakup is doomed to failure; I was interested to see that 12-Step programs also advocate the same thing.

Apart from a brief relationship - which I left as soon as I realised it wasn't going anywhere - I've been single for the last three years. Sure, people ask me why I'm single, or try to do bits of matchmaking, but they soon give up when I tell them I'm just not interested. Occasionally I'll get asked if I'm gay - not least, I suspect, because a lot of my friends are (both male and female).

To the OP - I'm guessing that your friends are concerned that you may still be hankering after the XABF, and can't conceive of another solution than starting a new relationship. In your situation I'd just say that I'm ultra-picky these days - and leave it at that.

Timetoheal12

Yes, we/I still need time to heal....

Thanks for your suggestion, Rosalba.

NWGRITS

Girrrrrrl, if I could go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be to go it alone for a few years and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. I bounced from one bad relationship to another and never took the time to figure out who I was, independent of a partner. I plan on having that talk with my kids when they get to dating age. Hopefully my husband and I (2nd marriage, and a healthy, loving one) can set a good example for them so that they make better choices than I did. You have so much time to get to know yourself and then find a quality partner.

Timetoheal12

NWGRITS, thank you! Yours is definitely honest and good advice.