TotallyOut

My recovering AB is drinking again. He went 11 months in sobriety. I don't know if I can handle going through this again. We have been thru detox 7 times and rehab twice. Any advice???

Soberintexas007

That is really unfortunate, as 11 months is quite a long time. Does he want to stop again?

TotallyOut

Yes he had talked to his sponsor and reintroduced himself at AA. I left the house for 3 hours today and he went to a bar in the next town over.

FeelingGreat

What's your bottom line TO? What are you willing to tolerate? If he's been to detox 7 times he sounds hard-core.

You can't control his behaviour, so think about your own future. Where do you see yourself in 5 years time? Would an extra 5 years of this cycle bother you?

TotallyOut

I'm really lost. I know what I should do but my heart tells me to stay. I've been hoping things would change but it always ends up the same. I love him but when this happens I feel as if he could care less if I'm here anyways. When he's not drinking life is great but the minute life throws a curve he can't handle it so he drinks. Worse part this time is he is suppose to start a new job on the 5th and there is no way he can while he's drinking.

BoxinRotz

So are you taking care of King Baby while he's waiting on this job n bar hopping?

I'm so glad he's your boyfriend... Only because you won't have a messy, expensive divorce when you've had enough of him being a drunken fool.

DavinaD

I know the feeling when it's like they couldn't care less about you whilst they are drinking. I ended up leaving my AH after putting up with a ridiculous amount, I would have still stayed because I loved him so much, but I realised if it was a friend or family member of mine that was being put through all that, I would tell them "leave!"...sometimes that can be a good way to try & see your way through it. It must be so frustrating for you, knowing he can kick the drink and has done & then you end up back at square one. Really feel for you !

TotallyOut

The thing about it he doesn't ever go to the bar he usually buy a bottle of whiskey and drinks by himself. He is usually a closet drinker

FeelingGreat

Nothing's changing, nothing at all. You're hanging on to the good times, but they never last. At the moment you're wasting time that could be put into a real relationship.

dandylion

TotallyOut...it really doesn't matter where he is drinking....he is drinking!

I would say to follow your HEAD--not your heart. You can;t trust your heart on this with an alcoholic. Your heart will lead you down a treacherous path!!

Those "good times" that you might have had were not free!! You pay for the crumbs of happiness by suffering through the bad.

Ask yourself how much more pain you want. If you want m ore---"hey, cut me another big slice of that".

I am sorry to have to be so blunt---but, darlin' that is the reality of living with an alcoholic who is not in real, solid, authentic recovery. He sounds a long way from that.

You have the right to call quits at any time you decide that you need to.

dandylion

Slothy

Very well put dandelion......he and they will continually serve us slices of HURT !

The hurt of letting go is nothing coma red to the hurt in staying!!!

shelton40

You pay for the crumbs of happiness by suffering through the bad....That is an amazing thought.

TotallyOut

It is very sad knowing he can quit for 11 months and go back to it. I have been distancing myself from him and it just kills me because if his kids find out he'll lose them also.

NotSoSmart

I used to use the pronoun "we" and "us" in my relationship with an A. However it hit me after a few moons in Al Anon that this is not "our" recovery. "we" have not been through detox or rehab; "HE" has. You have been affected by the disease but his sobriety, lack thereof or return to recovery is his journey. Your journey is different and can't be attached to his.

Someone once said to me, "there is my business, God's business and none of my business".

If you are not involved with Al Anon I suggest you check it out. They have excellent material on detachment, which is the lifesaver when dealing with alcoholics, drinking or not.

F50Lurker

I think you mean, "when" his kids find out. Which they will.

hopeful4

You do see the contradiction in what you are saying here right?? Look at his actions and not the words. Sorry to say, I would be running in the other direction. Whatever you do, don't marry or procreate with this man. I am sorry.

XXX

AnvilheadII

We have been thru detox 7 times and rehab twice

unless you went WITH him to detox and to rehab, there is no WE....HE is the addict, he is the one that choses to drink again and again and again, and he is the one that has made the numerous trips to sober facilities only to F up again.

after his FIRST detox, he drank again.
after his SECOND.......
THIRD........

a lot of years of YOUR life have revolved around whether or not this man is drinking or not. losing jobs, homes, relationship with his kids.....all that BELONGS TO HIM. with his history and half-assed attempts, i'm not surprised at all he CHOSE to drink again. it's what he does. and he isn't life or death serious about it yet.

so what is YOUR plan. THIS TIME. you being in the picture isn't altering things for him. if anything, you keep providing him a soft place to land. he doesn't really LOSE it all as long as he has you to pick up the pieces, work cuz he can't or won't, be the financial support.

it might be time to step back and take a real good look at him, and your history and what he really brings to the table. besides a bottle of JD........

NYCDoglvr

Well, since you asked, I suggest leaving. How many more chances are you giving him?

sugarbear1

It seems you are more concerned about what he can lose than he is.

Life works best when we take care of ourselves, first.

ladyscribbler

You know, whenever I used the pronoun "we" referring to me and my ex, he'd get angry and say, "Who's 'we', you got a mouse in your pocket?"
Of course I used to get upset, but he was right, as much as it pains me to say so. There was no "we." I was so enmeshed with him that I thought that his battle with alcohol somehow belonged to me, that I could help him and that it was my responsibility to save him, but there was never any "we" in that relationship. He chose alcohol and I chose enmeshment and denial.
Guess how that worked out?