Goodbye - feeling better?

Old 12-27-2014, 07:28 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
auroraxborealis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Goodbye - feeling better?

Hello, all.

I got my Xbox back from (R)?XBF. It took a little more than I thought, but easy enough. It was at his brothers. I could have just picked it up myself, though. Oh, and his new gf's daughter was there--his mom was watching her and he picked her up. Great.

Anyways, he came out to the car and tried to talk to me. I am absolutely horrible at reconstructing conversations, but he said his little sister told him I wasn't coming around anymore, and he tried telling me that I should still be around the family and the kids have grown to love me. I cut him off and said I don't want to listen. I lost. I'm done. He said he wasn't talking about himself, he was talking about his family. I said I didn't want to listen. He started grumbling about how he didn't have time to listen to this crap, and I'm being dumb, and went inside, said I could drop his bag (that was carrying my Xbox) with his dad. I stuck it in his car.

About a half hour later, I got a text (surprise, surprise).

X: So since ur gonna act that way, Imma delete ur number. I will just get ahold of u thru pops.

Me: What did you expect?

X: I thought I had a friend. But as usual that's wat I get for thinking. Its all good u ain't hurtin me ur hurtin the kids who have grown to love u

Me: I can't be your friend. I'm not strong enough.

X: Cool bye then. And you sell urvself short.

Me: Take care of yourself. Goodbye.

Well, that's that, then, right?

I texted his sister (we're friends) and said sorry if it seemed like I didn't want to be around them, I just didn't think I could be around X. She said she never said that. Guess which one I believe?

I tortured myself the other day when his new gf popped up on my Facebook when a friend became friends with her, and looked at her profile. If it's true and updated, she works at a liquor store.

After I heard from X's sister, I started thinking that maybe he's started drinking again. It's not my business, I know. But it makes sense to me. Because he's not the X that I saw out of treatment. I mean, yes I totally admit I may have been hoodwinked, but I don't see the humility and honesty that I saw when he came out. So if he's not using hard drugs (not sure if he's UAing or not?) then maybe he's drinking again. That's how it started last year. Drinking, then smoking, then shooting was the downfall.

I want to ask his little sister about it, but not sure if I will. To him, nothing I can say will be taken seriously--I'm just the jealous ex-girlfriend. But she and I have talked about not trusting his recovery 100%, so maybe it will put a bug in her ear. I can imagine SR telling me to mind my own business, but I just don't feel right about not saying something about it because if he needs help then maybe someone other than myself can help, or maybe watch out.

I have one more weekend to get through, and then I'm off to the Southeast for about three and a half months. I have a previously scheduled hair appointment with his baby sister, which I'll try to do at the shop so I don't see him. Make my rounds and say bye to the family.

I'll try going NC while I'm gone, but not sure if I'll be able to. I haven't hardly reached out to him since he's been out anyways. I don't have much to say that won't turn into omgiloveyouimsorrypleasetakemeback. I know better than that. Like I said, I've lost. Again and again.

I've been feeling really down the last few days. Had many good cries. But I actually think I'm OK with this. I feel better than I have in a few days. I love him, but as many have pointed out that doens't mean I have to be with him. And as I said in my last post, I really wish him the best. I think that's why I'm so attached--because I don't see him grabbing recovery by the reins. Maybe if I did then I could let him go? But since I'm doubting him, I want to help him. I hate that I think that way, because I really want him to be healthy and happy.

I know, I know, tl;dr. Thank you if you did finish.

Last edited by auroraxborealis; 12-27-2014 at 07:31 PM. Reason: clarification
auroraxborealis is offline  
Old 12-27-2014, 08:42 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, I don't think you lost! I think you won, because you had the courage to protect yourself, and sometimes that's the best that can be done in a difficult relationship. I've been in similar situations, and I know how hard it was for me to admit that I was vulnerable and needed to protect myself, even if it meant making a difficult break. I think that what he said about you selling yourself short was very manipulative. It was very courageous for your to accept your limitations, that it's too hard for you to be around him, and take steps to avoid getting into more hurtful interactions with him. I hope you will take pride in that.
jjj111 is offline  
Old 12-28-2014, 05:01 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
JOIE12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
you are working through your emotions. Like a death, the loss is incredible. You can cut ties with everyone if you wish to move forward.

Why don't you tie up the loose ends and let it all go before you leave for the trip? Clean break, fresh start, nothing dragging your down.

Seems like you are finding reasons to hold on.

He is no good for you. He is no good for anyone. Let the end of the story happen. Don't avoid that page. You can do it with dignity and pride.

I know you are hurting but if you read your words again and say them out loud, you will hear what your mind already knows.
JOIE12 is offline  
Old 12-31-2014, 05:59 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree that a fresh start may be just what you need.

Resuming contact will just take you back to where you are...which is confused, sad, and nowhere good.

He isn't showing signs of changing any time soon. If you want a better life for yourself, let the past go and embrace new beginnings.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 01-01-2015, 02:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
It is very sad sometimes, when we have to break it off with someone whose family we have grown to care about, and they about us.

I have been there before, and it hurts, but the only way out of the pain, for me, was to accept that it was over, cry as much as I needed to, and then move on.

Good to hear you are feeling better. That may be because you are being true to yourself. It feels good when we are doing something that finally makes sense, and is less painful, in the long run.

take care.. don't let what he says matter, because it doesn't really. Doesn't matter what he is doing, so try to focus on yourself, and what you need.

Happy New Year to you... you are off to a positive start!
chicory is offline  
Old 01-01-2015, 06:40 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Aurora...

For months, I've been watching you give yourself permission to allow him to be in your outer orbit. And you're giving yourself permission to do this in spite of overwhelming evidence that he is bad news.

I believe that intellectually, you understand this, and that's because you've spent enough time here to know who and what you're dealing with. And yet, that knowledge has not translated into what I consider healthy choices. So allow me to be blunt on this New Years Day.

At this moment, the biggest impediment towards your own recovery is you. Not him, not what he says or does. You.

I am of the opinion that having contact with his family is insanity. There is nothing to be gained by continuing contact with them, but everything to lose. All this tells me is you don't want to let go of him.

Well, fine. Don't let go of him. Continue to allow yourself to be tortured by someone who, in all probability, will never find lasting, sustained recovery. Plus, from everything you've said, he's an a-hole to boot. Why you desire to have an a-hole in your life perplexes me.

Did it ever occur to you that he behaves this way towards you because he knows you don't have any self respect? He knows he can do or say anything, and you'll allow him to be in his life in some fashion.

For once, Aurora, put your best interests first. Not what you want. Your best interests. And that means putting him behind you once and for all, and ending all contact with his family. Anything else delays your healing process.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-01-2015, 06:48 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by JOIE12 View Post
Let the end of the story happen.

Hi all, new here.

I just wanted to say that I've been reading this site for days, reduced to tears so many times by the truth I've found in the words I've read. Sometimes comforting, sometimes a cold dose of reality, but always the truth.

If I could sum up what I know I need to do into one short, simple phrase, it would be this one...

I need to let the end of the story happen.

Thank you for writing that.
Twinkki is offline  
Old 01-01-2015, 06:52 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by Twinkki View Post
Hi all, new here.

I just wanted to say that I've been reading this site for days, reduced to tears so many times by the truth I've found in the words I've read. Sometimes comforting, sometimes a cold dose of reality, but always the truth.

If I could sum up what I know I need to do into one short, simple phrase, it would be this one...

I need to let the end of the story happen.

Thank you for writing that.
Twinkki, welcome. How about you start a new thread so that you can properly introduce yourself and we can respond. Happy New Year.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 01-01-2015, 09:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
auroraxborealis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
The job I'm relocating for is for 90 days. That's probably a sign from the universe.
auroraxborealis is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 12:38 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
auroraxborealis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Suspicions confirmed. X is drinking again, and have heard he may have been using since leaving Treatment Center. His new gf is drinking, and now there seems to be a situation with her daughter. Sounds lke the new gf's roommate is mad her drinking buddy has a bf, and called him in. What a mess. The whole thing just makes me sad. It's amazing how good of an actor an A can be. He seemed so well when he got out. Definitely saw relapse coming, but dang.
auroraxborealis is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 03:23 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What a mess. The whole thing just makes me sad.
I think moving physically away from all this will help you let go. Hanging on will continue to bring you sadness and anxiety because you have no control over what he does or the outcome.

Grab this chance to start anew, look forward not back and make new beginnings for yourself. Hanging on is just continuing to drag you down with him.

Hugs
Ann is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 09:30 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
auroraxborealis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
I leave Friday.
auroraxborealis is offline  
Old 01-07-2015, 10:03 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by auroraxborealis View Post
I leave Friday.
Good. A chance to put him in your rearview mirror. Permanently.
zoso77 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:42 AM.