hummingbird358

My son is 20 and his gf just turned 21. He had a problem with drinking last year and over the summer. He ended up breaking her car window and after that seemed to stop drinking. Well, he started again. She must have bought him beer yesterday and then tonight when I came home I heard her crying in his room. It sounded like he was doing something and she told him to stop. I knocked on the door but he would not come out. Then later she was crying again. My husband went and again they would not come out of the room. I told him I guarentee there was vodka in the room. Needless to say she left then when I was in another room and he came out. I asked what was going on and he ignored me. He had a friend come get him so I went in his room. Yep, a entire bottle of vodka was gone. His room is trashed. I can't talk to him. He just walks away from me. Last summer when this happened he walked out and went to someone elses' house said he was going to quit college,etc. I panicked and told him not to quit. I can't take this. I feel horrible with my thoughts. I just want him gone so I can get on with my life. IT has been years and I can't take it anymore. He got $ for Christmas and was doing so well with the alcohol. He does do weed but doesn't get ugly like when he drinks hard liquor. The gf told me last year that when he starts drinking he can't stop and just wants more and more.

I get no where when I try to talk to him. He literally blows up and leaves. If it were not for my daughter, I would leave this house. Husband really doesn't say much. He had an alcoholic father and lived through abuse of his mom.

LexieCat

It sounds as if, in addition to having an alcohol problem, he is abusing his girlfriend. And I wouldn't necessarily assume she bought the alcohol--it isn't that difficult for an underage person to get.

I'm confused about what you mean when you say "it has been years"--you made it sound as if this problem only surfaced last year.

He's an adult, and you don't have to provide a roof over the head of someone who treats you with such disrespect.

Have you been to Al-Anon? Might be a good first step...

hummingbird358

He was drinking when he was in high school and then in college. Last year he drank alot. It was really bad. We went to see him on parents day and he was drunk. SInce this past summer when he cracked this gf's windshield he had cut back. She told me that the hard liquor makes him ugly. Back in 2012 his first gf broke up with him and he started drinking and cutting himself. He was suicidal and he was admitted to a mental home for evaluation for 72 hours. He still blames me for not getting him out. I was told that if I pulled him out that they would over ride me. He won't listen when we try to talk to him. He rarely speaks to us. Last summer he left after he blew up from drinking and then came back saying he was done with alcohol , that didn't last. He is on lexapro and should not be drinking either.

FeelingGreat

Hummingbird, from this and your post on another thread, it seems like you're at the end of your tether.
You have a lot more power than you think but have to work out how to exercise it. Why should YOU have to leave your own house because of HIM? He is the one who needs to leave, if only for the sake of giving your daughter a stable home.

Your son's behaviour towards his GF sounds sinister and threatening. You can take decisive action right now, like banning her from the house, not for anything she's done, but to stop your AS abusing her under your roof. Or if it happens again, you can tell them you are calling the police unless they open the door. You would be well within your rights if you think she's crying from pain (physical assault). Follow through - don't make empty threats or you will have no credibility again.

Is your relationship with your husband such that you can sit down with him and plan how to stop enabling your AS? The first step is to make your house, including his room, an alcohol free zone. If he drinks at home, or comes home affected by alcohol he must leave. It's YOUR home, and he is treating you with disrespect and contempt. If he ignores you, or steps over your boundaries (no alcohol) he knows the consequence. This time when he threatens to leave, let him.

I know it's important to you that he finishes college, but he's got to the age where you can't control him any more and therefore he must face the consequences of his actions. He will threaten to leave college because it worked so well last time, so be prepared to tell him he must make his own decision. You have your family life, and your daughter's welfare to think about.

Soberintexas007

Hi Hummingbird,
It is so frustrating when the people we love are addicted to alcohol and we cannot help them. We are just as powerless over their drinking as they are powerless when they start drinking. I do not have any kids (nor plan on having any), but I am sure it must be difficult to have to witness your son messing up his life. And he seems to get quite violent when drinking, which is a huge red flag. I guess seeking support at Al-Anon will help. Good luck!!!

SeriousKarma

(((((((( hugs )))))))) to you Hummingbird. I can only imagine how difficult this is.

You say "He had a friend come get him". Am I to assume by that statement that he's not driving? Does he have a car? A job? Any money of his own?

I guess I'm wondering just how dependent he is on you and his father. I'm also curious as to whether or not you've tried to establish any boundaries with him in the past, and how that went.

dandylion

hummingbird1094. I am going to deliver some things that I have learned (the hard way) by dealing with an adult child who was dealing with a drinking problem.

You probably have no idea how much you are really enabling him. He is still young--so NOW is your window of opportunity to deliver some strong boundaries. If you don't bite the bullet and do it NOW....you are likely to be a parent who is on this board 10yrs. from now agonizing about an even worse situation. Believe me, it can get a LOT worse.

You and your husband need to get help for yourselves. I consider this the most important 1st. step. This is sooo hard on the parent. Harder than on the alcoholic child, actually. (they will drink to numb their bad feelings).

To me, it sounds like he needs treatment. (I know that you probably live in the UK).
The fact that he has done cutting in the past points of some deep psychological conflict...plus the fact that he is on anti-depressants.
He needs treatment for the psychological problems Plus treatment for the alcoholism, as well.

Going by my past experience---I would say: You go into treatment, now---or we are cutting off all support. No more room in our house; no more school expenses;
I would put him out completely....except for assisting him with treatment.
If he has to sleep in the streets. o.k. That will be very instructive as to the realities of l ife. If you don't do it now---he will probably end up on the streets, anyway---and you and your husband will be mental cases, as well....LOL!
I have walked this rock road!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am soo sorry to be so blunt with you....but, I would give anything if someone had talked to me this straight when my son was only 21. It would probably have saved me years of misery.

You have to guard against parental "guilt"! That is really hard--this is why you need strong support from people who have walked this road before you.

I am very sympathetic and wish the best for your family.

Please, hang around this board...because there are lots of other parents who can share with you.

very sincerely,
dandylion

****your house is not a hotel. If he wants to trash a room or entertain the opposite sex---he needs to find his own housing. (No opposite sex in a room without the door open!) (this is a personal boundary that I have always been very strict with)

hummingbird358

We have tried for years to establish boundaries. I don't want alcohol in the house but the husband feels it is best that he drinks here. I hate what this has done to me over the years. It has destroyed my life. He drives but last night a friend came and picked him up. He does not have a job because he is going to college fulltime and takes a extreme number of credits because he plans on graduating a year and half early. He is taking 6 classes over this 5 week winter break. He has anxiety issues and depression. He suffers from psoriasis as well which makes him very anxious. He went to 3 different counselors but only goes twice and then stops. He had stopped drinking for a few months where as last winter he was drinking daily ended up with getting an underage while at the mall. He rarely speaks to us and he never holds a conversation unless it is about what classes he is taking or books that he needs.
I have tried so often to set boundaries, he flies off the handle and never listens. Always manipulates the way I think. I know this is horrible but some days I just wish he would get hurt that he has to be hospitalized for months. Terrible isn't it? That is how I feel. Even to the point that if something worse were to happen to him, I am so numb that I don't even know if I would care. Many years ago, we were close. Something happened in highschool with bullying and he got with the wrong crowd. I have been to al alon about 2 years ago but didn't get anything out of it. No one can give you advice. It is basically you just talking.

I do plan on telling him today that there is no more alcohol allowed in this house. If he doesn't listen then he needs to find a new place to live.

dandylion

hummingbird....I see where you are with this. I also understand that you you are getting close to your "bottom". I am not surprised at all at your wishing that he would be hospitalized for months---these kind of feelings are not as unusual as you might think. It is a fantasy that indicated just how much you are suffering. Don't beat yourself up over this---save your energy for the thing that you are going to have to do...LOL!

Do not make a boundary that you can't enforce. For example: what if he doesn't bring alcohol into the house---but comes home late at night intoxicated? What would you do?
The can be absolutely genius at skirting around your boundaries unless they are iron-clad.

I see a problem of the parents not being on the same page. That is the perfect set-up for "splitting". He will sense every weakness on your side of the equasion--and not hesitate to exploit it.

I suggest that you get help from those with loads of experience. You might get a l ot of perspective by attending open AA meetings, yourself.
Talk to those who have several years of sobriety under their belts. You can trust their advice. They will tell you like it is.
Schedule appointment with an alcoholic counselor for your husband and yourself. Go yourself--if he refuses. You and your husband have got to get on the same team.
Find a support group made up of other parents who are coping with the same situation.
Talk to a counselor or psychologist from the University that your son attends. They have faced this with other students.

The way I see it: The emotional and alcohol problems are more important than graduating early. He can ruin his life if these issues are not addressed.
You have the power to rearrange his priorities on this if he is not of a mind to do it.
But you have to be STRONG.

He has been "playing" you, the parents by his surly behavior and sniffing at your boundaries. In the end he will blame you for it all. It is very paradoxical that they will resent you for every thing you did that enabled them--even though you did it with parental love in your heart!

dandylion

CodeJob

I thought of you when I visited family over Xmas Hummingbird. There's one young relative not doing well at growing up. You are not alone with surly entitled young adults cluttering up the homes of parents who mean well.

I'm sorry your H isn't on board. Probably doesn't have a stomach for conflict with his own history.

Id print out Dandylion's post and live by it if I were you.

He treats you poorly either way, so might as well make him leave home. You deserve a safe haven. You are allowing this situation to fester and escalate. You are the parent. Parenting at times is awful. But what can you do to teach him of the respect he should have for others, their property, hard-earned money, and what a privilege it is to go to school?

BOUNDARIES. Time for a crash course. Time got some balls so heavy you can't fly.

Who is going to hire a pot smoking, rude drunk? Life is choices and consequences.