finally ready to change my life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 10
finally ready to change my life
Hi everyone.
I am really glad to be here because I finally realized that I am unable to quit drinking on my own. I have gone through long periods of sobriety, but then I build up anger and resentment and have given in every time. Other times I convince myself that I'm not a problem drinker, which is far from the truth. I know that if I don't stop drinking that alcohol will ruin my life, just like it has my mother's, and it has already ruined our family. I've already gotten two DUIs for having a BAC of .17 both times. The last arrest was six years ago, and the first was about six years before that in another state. Currently I'm watching my mother die from drinking, and it's very hard because I can't be around her because of how abusive she with me. My friend who's a therapist says that my mother is just too toxic to have a relationship with, and I agree, but it still hurts.
The breaking point was when I humiliated myself last night in front of at least 10 childhood friends and probably some of my students at the bars we attended. I feel more ashamed and humiliated that I ever have before. I simply can't let this continue. Alcohol has already had disastrous effects on my career and my personal relationships.
Does anyone else have the same problem with anger building up when trying to abstain? I have a lot of classic ACOA traits, so normally I function as a workaholic in my roles as an activist, media specialist and college professor, but then I have these breaking points. I really need some advice on how not to let that voice in my head convince me that I am a normal person and deserve a drink. The logic of addiction is just so powerful. I need to take the power back for myself and get over the shame I feel.
I'm trying to look on the bright side and understand that maybe I needed something this horrific to finally create change, but I'm just in so much pain right now thinking about all that I have done. I've tried to go to AA meetings but didn't find them as helpful as I would have liked. Since I'm a writer and constantly online, I think having a forum may be the support I need. I also need to figure out a way to deal with the high amount of stress in my life. Being an activist and labor organizer is constant conflict, and the fact that %75 percent of college profs in the US are contingent adjuncts, temporary contract workers, it's a hard life to manage because we have to teach several classes at different schools just to earn the minimum wage, even though we hold advanced degrees. We have no benefits or job security either, so it's very difficulty to live this way. I'm considering quitting and going to stay with friends, and I have absolutely got to not drink another drop of alcohol EVER. I'm going to give it my best effort so I don't slip back into the pattern. Thanks so much for listening.
I am really glad to be here because I finally realized that I am unable to quit drinking on my own. I have gone through long periods of sobriety, but then I build up anger and resentment and have given in every time. Other times I convince myself that I'm not a problem drinker, which is far from the truth. I know that if I don't stop drinking that alcohol will ruin my life, just like it has my mother's, and it has already ruined our family. I've already gotten two DUIs for having a BAC of .17 both times. The last arrest was six years ago, and the first was about six years before that in another state. Currently I'm watching my mother die from drinking, and it's very hard because I can't be around her because of how abusive she with me. My friend who's a therapist says that my mother is just too toxic to have a relationship with, and I agree, but it still hurts.
The breaking point was when I humiliated myself last night in front of at least 10 childhood friends and probably some of my students at the bars we attended. I feel more ashamed and humiliated that I ever have before. I simply can't let this continue. Alcohol has already had disastrous effects on my career and my personal relationships.
Does anyone else have the same problem with anger building up when trying to abstain? I have a lot of classic ACOA traits, so normally I function as a workaholic in my roles as an activist, media specialist and college professor, but then I have these breaking points. I really need some advice on how not to let that voice in my head convince me that I am a normal person and deserve a drink. The logic of addiction is just so powerful. I need to take the power back for myself and get over the shame I feel.
I'm trying to look on the bright side and understand that maybe I needed something this horrific to finally create change, but I'm just in so much pain right now thinking about all that I have done. I've tried to go to AA meetings but didn't find them as helpful as I would have liked. Since I'm a writer and constantly online, I think having a forum may be the support I need. I also need to figure out a way to deal with the high amount of stress in my life. Being an activist and labor organizer is constant conflict, and the fact that %75 percent of college profs in the US are contingent adjuncts, temporary contract workers, it's a hard life to manage because we have to teach several classes at different schools just to earn the minimum wage, even though we hold advanced degrees. We have no benefits or job security either, so it's very difficulty to live this way. I'm considering quitting and going to stay with friends, and I have absolutely got to not drink another drop of alcohol EVER. I'm going to give it my best effort so I don't slip back into the pattern. Thanks so much for listening.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome to Sober Recovery Abalone
check out these links http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-9.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-31-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Nice to meet you
check out these links http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-9.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...part-31-a.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
Nice to meet you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Sorry to hear about the situation with your mother and stresses at work. Drinking only makes all of this worse, as I'm sure you've realized by now. This can be your last humiliating experience and the last time you've let alcohol destroy your life and relationships. It is completely in your power to stop right now and don't drink another drop EVER AGAIN. You will see the changes in your life almost immediately. Don't wait, start today. Stay close to the forum, read a lot and post a lot, it really helps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 10
Thank you so much. I am going to check in all the time. I think this is the piece I was missing. I kept trying to handle everything on my own, but I now see that's not possible. I'm going to have to learn what to say is social situations where there's wine. Maybe I'll just say that I'm allergic, as it is pretty close to the truth. I hate alcohol so much. I almost wish it were banned. I had a therapist once who favored that policy. I don't want to punish the normals out there, but alcohol sure is just about the most evil thing on earth.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Glad you're here, abalone.
Boy, can I relate to so much of your post!
The DWIs, the alcoholic mother, the shame (ugh). Unfortunately, I lost my career as an RN to my addiction, as well.
I'm so glad that you're choosing to do something about your addiction before you lose anything else.
The only thing that's worked for me is to not make drinking an option. Period. I will never be able to drink 'normally', I don't know what that's like.
This forum is a wonderful place for support and encouragement and it's helped me stay sober for the past three weeks.
Hope to see you around the boards!
Boy, can I relate to so much of your post!
The DWIs, the alcoholic mother, the shame (ugh). Unfortunately, I lost my career as an RN to my addiction, as well.
I'm so glad that you're choosing to do something about your addiction before you lose anything else.
The only thing that's worked for me is to not make drinking an option. Period. I will never be able to drink 'normally', I don't know what that's like.
This forum is a wonderful place for support and encouragement and it's helped me stay sober for the past three weeks.
Hope to see you around the boards!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Welcome Abalone! Anger is a tough emotion to learn how to handle in sobriety, but you ccan do it. Keep posted and reading and you will receive a lot of support here. SR is very helpful in maintaining sobriety. Drinking is not the answer, learning new coping skills is.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 10
That is definitely what I need more of: coping skills. I have no idea what the anger build up is really about, or if it's just part of the addiction. As it builds I become increasingly more hostile, impatient, and highly intolerant. The drinking would take this away and I'd start back off a zero. I absolutely have to find out why this is happening so I can understanding it better. Ugh.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 10
I let it out too and at the same time it's like there's a demon or second self in my body and brain who takes over and sabotages me, like it's trying to destroy me. I wonder if it's some kind of self-hatred that I got from my mother's abuse, or just by watching her. It's just terrible.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Welcome abalone 
I think most of us feel angry when we quit - I know I did.
I'd bottled a lot up over a couple of decades - I was angry at the world, and people - but mostly angry at myself for ending up 'here'.
Things do get better - very few of us would stay in recovery if it meant staying angry.
Give yourself a little time to readjust to sobriety
D
I think most of us feel angry when we quit - I know I did.
I'd bottled a lot up over a couple of decades - I was angry at the world, and people - but mostly angry at myself for ending up 'here'.
Things do get better - very few of us would stay in recovery if it meant staying angry.
Give yourself a little time to readjust to sobriety
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,560
Great to meet you Abalone - you're never alone.
Alcohol turned me into a person I didn't recognize. It took me decades to admit it. I couldn't trust myself once it was in my system - and I put myself in danger each time I tried to control it. The only safe thing to do was stop all together. It's such a relief to be free of it. You can do it Abalone.
Alcohol turned me into a person I didn't recognize. It took me decades to admit it. I couldn't trust myself once it was in my system - and I put myself in danger each time I tried to control it. The only safe thing to do was stop all together. It's such a relief to be free of it. You can do it Abalone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Oakland, CA
Posts: 10
I'm so glad to hear of your successful three weeks sober, Brynn. I know RNs do not have it easy. At the hospital the nurse's union was protesting and picketing because the employer would not provide safe staffing, so they all had an insane amount of patients to care for. I'm at a point where my career is transitioning and could go really well, but I absolutely must not drink in order to make this happen. I've already had a few blunders and I just pray that it will fade away over time. I see that a lot of the healing process in sobriety is coming to terms with the inability to change the past, to accept what has happened, but the shame is crushing. I was once very upset, nearly destroyed, when I discovered that my career as a college prof had been destroyed (because it never existed in the first place). I didn't know what my other options were. I bet that eventually you will find an alternative career, especially now with a clear head. At the same time I very much understand the feeling of loss.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Abalone....the shame is awful and it's one of the things that motivated me to take a chance on getting sober.
When I first found this site I read a post talking about how awesome it was to wake up in the morning sober and with no regrets. That's what I wanted! That simple revelation was the thing that stuck with me. And I'm going to tell you that it is one of the BEST things about being sober! Because the shame was killing me! I hated myself! I actually loathed the person I had become!
I really hope you'll choose a sober life free of regrets. It's so worth it.
When I first found this site I read a post talking about how awesome it was to wake up in the morning sober and with no regrets. That's what I wanted! That simple revelation was the thing that stuck with me. And I'm going to tell you that it is one of the BEST things about being sober! Because the shame was killing me! I hated myself! I actually loathed the person I had become!
I really hope you'll choose a sober life free of regrets. It's so worth it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Abalone, welcome. I quit drinking over a year ago and my life has never felt more precious, peaceful and smooth. My mother is also an alcoholic and it is devastating to watch her self-destruct, knowing full well that there is nothing that I can do about it until she accepts her problem. I recommend keeping a sobriety journal. I have one and I keep a good-bye letter to alcohol in it, a list of the most humiliating, stupid, dangerous, scary things I have done when I was drunk and helpful advice and quotes from books and the SR site. As you know, our addiction does a really good job down-playing our "episodes" a few days after they happen. Finally, I noticed some of your statements seem to have a "poor me", "victim" mentality to them. This is very common from us alcoholic types. It is much better for us to look at life with a grateful heart. It certainly makes it easier to stay away from the drink and gratefulness helps keep anger and resentment at bay. I imagine there are many people who would trade places with you in a heartbeat. You have intelligence, advanced degrees and many friends. Those are blessings in abundance right there! Good luck. Stay with us.
learning to live
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,665
Does anyone else have the same problem with anger building up when trying to abstain?
This is the deal; quitting drinking is JUST a starting point, in fact once you make the decision to stop drinking that comes pretty easily.
To remain sober we have to change every single thing about our old way of thinking that got us into this mess (alcoholism/problem drinking) in the first place. You see, if we keep thinking the way we used to we will always go back to the bottle.
We cant compare our lives to others, regret the past, drink AT people, want more than we have, wish we were here instead of there (etc ..you get the drift) these things will surely harbor resentment and anger. These two qualities are enemies to a recovering alcoholic. We cant live our new lives with them anywhere in the equation. If we do, we are most likely to drink again. Learning to leave these things behind takes practice and you will get there if you learn to. You are a professor so you know all about learning....thats the only thing that can produce GROWTH. We grow into better people BUT not by any means over night and it takes a lot of practice and requires learning!! That's really all recovery is. Growing into a BETTER person. Healing our mind, body and souls one day at a time.
We have to learn to live a new life without alcohol. That means finding things YOU like to do. Hobbies, meetings if ya like that, sober/supportive friends. Thats really all up to you.
We have to find things to do when we are angry, happy, sad, scared, stressed etc instead of drinking. Learn things that make YOU happy. Build your tools for sobriety.
Our minds are the addicted part so we kinda got to teach the mind new tricks. A new sober normal instead of what we were used to when drinking.
We have to know the AV (addictive voice) will feed us any line of BS to make us drink again. BUT, we learn to get through EACH time and it makes us stronger.
One thing I can tell you is if you want to be sober more than you want to drink you will be sober. And if you work hard every single day for a better life you will get it. Patience is another key. You can totally do this and end the madness any time!!
In recovery we strive to practice gratitude, simplicity and grace. Recovery can be beautiful but it takes tons and tons of effort and practice. I like to think that the only real rule for now in the beginning is to NOT drink. Try your hardest to be a better person and always do the next best thing and things will start falling into place.
I wish you lots of luck and above all know SR is here for you 24/7 You can do this!!
This is the deal; quitting drinking is JUST a starting point, in fact once you make the decision to stop drinking that comes pretty easily.
To remain sober we have to change every single thing about our old way of thinking that got us into this mess (alcoholism/problem drinking) in the first place. You see, if we keep thinking the way we used to we will always go back to the bottle.
We cant compare our lives to others, regret the past, drink AT people, want more than we have, wish we were here instead of there (etc ..you get the drift) these things will surely harbor resentment and anger. These two qualities are enemies to a recovering alcoholic. We cant live our new lives with them anywhere in the equation. If we do, we are most likely to drink again. Learning to leave these things behind takes practice and you will get there if you learn to. You are a professor so you know all about learning....thats the only thing that can produce GROWTH. We grow into better people BUT not by any means over night and it takes a lot of practice and requires learning!! That's really all recovery is. Growing into a BETTER person. Healing our mind, body and souls one day at a time.
We have to learn to live a new life without alcohol. That means finding things YOU like to do. Hobbies, meetings if ya like that, sober/supportive friends. Thats really all up to you.
We have to find things to do when we are angry, happy, sad, scared, stressed etc instead of drinking. Learn things that make YOU happy. Build your tools for sobriety.
Our minds are the addicted part so we kinda got to teach the mind new tricks. A new sober normal instead of what we were used to when drinking.
We have to know the AV (addictive voice) will feed us any line of BS to make us drink again. BUT, we learn to get through EACH time and it makes us stronger.
One thing I can tell you is if you want to be sober more than you want to drink you will be sober. And if you work hard every single day for a better life you will get it. Patience is another key. You can totally do this and end the madness any time!!
In recovery we strive to practice gratitude, simplicity and grace. Recovery can be beautiful but it takes tons and tons of effort and practice. I like to think that the only real rule for now in the beginning is to NOT drink. Try your hardest to be a better person and always do the next best thing and things will start falling into place.
I wish you lots of luck and above all know SR is here for you 24/7
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,909
Originally Posted by Abalone 
I'm going to have to learn what to say is social situations where there's wine. Maybe I'll just say that I'm allergic, as it is pretty close to the truth.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
welcome, Abalone
you're in Oakland...tons of LifeRing meetings close by . getting connected to others, both online and in face-to-face meetings, has been hugely important to me. and no, i didn't want to go to a meeting. made myself. just once. then kept going back
go check it out, see if it fits :
LifeRing - LifeRing
you're in Oakland...tons of LifeRing meetings close by . getting connected to others, both online and in face-to-face meetings, has been hugely important to me. and no, i didn't want to go to a meeting. made myself. just once. then kept going back
go check it out, see if it fits :
LifeRing - LifeRing
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