Learning how to trust
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Learning how to trust
Its been over a week since my boyfriend came home.
I have found out a lot of things that I never thought I would have to deal with and I find myself having moments where it all hits me at once and I have an anxiety attack.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am finding out on my own and hes not telling me things, hes not being honest with me and he says its because he doesn't know how to tell me and hes afraid that I wont look at him the same way.
I told him I would rather him own up to the stuff hes done and just be honest instead of me finding out behind his back.
It scares me that months could go by and I could find out something else and it will just break my heart all over again.
I was just wondering how do I start to trust him again after all that's happened and after I found out all these horrible things hes done.
Part of me reminds myself that hes done these things while actively using ( that's my heart talking) but my mind says that he has to be somewhat responsible for the things hes done. Just because he has an addiction problem doesn't let him off the hook for everything he does.
I know our relationship is changed in so many ways and I told him I am willing to try to move on and start a new life with him ( I know we can never have the life we once did) but its going to take a long time and there will be times where i may be angry or sad about stuff and hes going to have to realize that.
I am so confused about so many things.
I feel betrayed by the things hes done
I feel guilty because i am going behind his back to see if hes lying to me about anything.
I feel angry that he did this to us
I just wanted to know if other people have ever had to deal with this in their life as well and can you move on? Or is there a point where you say theres to much damage and the relationship can never be repaired.
I have found out a lot of things that I never thought I would have to deal with and I find myself having moments where it all hits me at once and I have an anxiety attack.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am finding out on my own and hes not telling me things, hes not being honest with me and he says its because he doesn't know how to tell me and hes afraid that I wont look at him the same way.
I told him I would rather him own up to the stuff hes done and just be honest instead of me finding out behind his back.
It scares me that months could go by and I could find out something else and it will just break my heart all over again.
I was just wondering how do I start to trust him again after all that's happened and after I found out all these horrible things hes done.
Part of me reminds myself that hes done these things while actively using ( that's my heart talking) but my mind says that he has to be somewhat responsible for the things hes done. Just because he has an addiction problem doesn't let him off the hook for everything he does.
I know our relationship is changed in so many ways and I told him I am willing to try to move on and start a new life with him ( I know we can never have the life we once did) but its going to take a long time and there will be times where i may be angry or sad about stuff and hes going to have to realize that.
I am so confused about so many things.
I feel betrayed by the things hes done
I feel guilty because i am going behind his back to see if hes lying to me about anything.
I feel angry that he did this to us
I just wanted to know if other people have ever had to deal with this in their life as well and can you move on? Or is there a point where you say theres to much damage and the relationship can never be repaired.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well - everything you said makes perfect sense.
Trust has been broken. You're suspicious, and rightly so. You will continue to be for a while. That's all normal. Also, using an addiction to get a pass on other bad behavior is something addicts try. It's BS, in my opinion. If he cheated, he's a cheater. No way to explain that away. If he's violent, that's on him. I don't know your story.
Some things are irretrievable. Are you going to Al Anon or therapy? Do you have outside support/friends/family who know the truth about your relationship? I think getting honest is the first step. Tell someone.
Trust has been broken. You're suspicious, and rightly so. You will continue to be for a while. That's all normal. Also, using an addiction to get a pass on other bad behavior is something addicts try. It's BS, in my opinion. If he cheated, he's a cheater. No way to explain that away. If he's violent, that's on him. I don't know your story.
Some things are irretrievable. Are you going to Al Anon or therapy? Do you have outside support/friends/family who know the truth about your relationship? I think getting honest is the first step. Tell someone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I don't know that it's possible to truly TRUST someone who will not be HONEST with you? trust is a two way street.....and we must be judicious about where and when we place our trust.
being an addict does not give one a free pass. while the disease itself is not a choice, how the addict choose to act IS. at it's essence addiction is the physical compulsion coupled with the mental obsession to use drugs. addiction does not FORCE one to lie, cheat, steal, cheat - those are acts that the addict "negotiates" with self in order to keep using.
always remember YOU get to say when enough is enough. you are not OBLIGATED to put up with more than you can handle. nor to keep taking on hurts that you did nothing to deserve.
being an addict does not give one a free pass. while the disease itself is not a choice, how the addict choose to act IS. at it's essence addiction is the physical compulsion coupled with the mental obsession to use drugs. addiction does not FORCE one to lie, cheat, steal, cheat - those are acts that the addict "negotiates" with self in order to keep using.
always remember YOU get to say when enough is enough. you are not OBLIGATED to put up with more than you can handle. nor to keep taking on hurts that you did nothing to deserve.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
My ex bf's addiction broke every ounce of trust I had in him. I found out so many lies (omitting info is lying too, regardless of what anyone says) and most of them I discovered by either snooping, putting two and two together, or having someone else tell me. Lying to that degree is so far beyond my understanding. I would constantly tell him I didn't understand why he felt the need to lie about EVERYTHING and when would he learn that lying makes it a million times worse. But addicts don't think like we do. There is no sense in having a conversation about lying with an addict. They will just tell you they're sorry and they won't do it again and blah blah blah, then 5 minutes later, they're lying again.
I'm not saying this to be mean. Addicts lie. All of them do. Some more than others but they all lie and it's to protect themselves and their addiction. It's not something they can simply stop doing overnight. Even when they quit using, some will continue to lie for months or years after, some never stop because they don't address what it is about them that makes them lie so often (underlying issues besides addiction). You obviously realize this is a huge problem for you, as it should be, and you need to decide what you think will work for you. If you would feel better checking his phone, going places with him, looking for proof that he's been where he says he had been, checking his bank account, asking for receipts, and so on, go for it. I personally didn't want to live my life like that and each day that went by with me trying to learn how to trust my bf again made me realize it would never happen.
I'm not saying this to be mean. Addicts lie. All of them do. Some more than others but they all lie and it's to protect themselves and their addiction. It's not something they can simply stop doing overnight. Even when they quit using, some will continue to lie for months or years after, some never stop because they don't address what it is about them that makes them lie so often (underlying issues besides addiction). You obviously realize this is a huge problem for you, as it should be, and you need to decide what you think will work for you. If you would feel better checking his phone, going places with him, looking for proof that he's been where he says he had been, checking his bank account, asking for receipts, and so on, go for it. I personally didn't want to live my life like that and each day that went by with me trying to learn how to trust my bf again made me realize it would never happen.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Addicts will take until they can't get anything else from you. They will lie, cheat and manipulate to get what they want.
Actions are the only things you should be 'listening' to.
Active and recovering opiate addicts .... are usually selfish broken people. If you are prepared for a life of trials, challenges and tears ... keep at it. But one day you will KNOW that you are worth more than this and there are plenty of other men out there who will treat you right.
What does someone bring to your life ? because they should not be making withdrawals from yours.
Best wishes to you
Joie12
Actions are the only things you should be 'listening' to.
Active and recovering opiate addicts .... are usually selfish broken people. If you are prepared for a life of trials, challenges and tears ... keep at it. But one day you will KNOW that you are worth more than this and there are plenty of other men out there who will treat you right.
What does someone bring to your life ? because they should not be making withdrawals from yours.
Best wishes to you
Joie12
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