Katchie

Do you ever just feel so alone even when you are with a group of people? Christmas was actually good. My AH stayed sober throughout and was nice and caused no issues. My in-laws were great. My sister-in-law was wonderful as was her family, as always. The highlight was getting to visit with a 100 year old woman from Russia my in-laws have adopted because she has outlived all of her family and lives alone -- yes, she lives on her own! She is sharp as a tack! I loved listening to her thick accented stories living under Stalin and how her family escaped. She is a lovely lady and I could have listened to her for days. All of that said, I enjoyed my time, I enjoyed my AH being sober, I could even trust him to do some driving, but I am still angry. Its like I'm angry he is sober. Has anyone else ever felt that way? Angry they are sober? I don't feel like I can be upset at him if he's sober and nice. Like I don't have a right, but I AM. I'm not even sure I'm saying what I feel correctly.

dandylion

Katchie....I think you are feeling years of stuffed anger that is almost boiling to get out.

Just staying sober for a holiday season is not enough to deal with those feelings. Just because they are stuffed down out o f sight doesn't mean that they will go away.

All feelings are valid. All feelings. If you don't have a right to your own feelings (even the carefully hidden ones)---what in this would do you have a right to?

dandylion

Hammer

Katchie -- here is my observation -- just saying how things look to me.

Most of here have been through some pretty serious mistreatment, use, and abuse at the hands of an A. For many of us this has been multiplied as we watched other people that we may care more for than ourselves also having been mistreated -- kids, parents, on and on.

That kind of stuff takes some time to work through -- for us. And that is okay. Usually the crap has been going on for years -- it should be normal it will take you some long months or even years to deal with it.

Dunno exactly what Really Dry and Sober would really look like as I have not observed that Mrs. Hammer has been actually working any real program in YEARS, now -- so I would not know how that feels from this side.

But I would suggest you let you feel your feelings -- without editing, control, and condemnation of yourself, and maybe work through them as part of the Steps (Step 4 is all about this type stuff).

honeypig

Katchie, I understand, I've felt the same, and I think Dandy and Hammer both make good points. It's like we wanted for them to get sober, and now they are, so they did what we wanted them to--but it's still not enough, or not right, or not....SOMETHING!! But they did what we wanted, so we don't feel we can say anything, and once again, we are stuffing our anger. Yikes. Deja vu.

And I'd agree that it's years of bottled-up anger, which doesn't just magically poof away b/c the A is sober for a short period of time (altho I know my A surely wishes that was the case). For me, it's at least partly anger that we/they have wasted so much time, so much of our lives, on this wretched disease.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-dec-18-a.html

NYCDoglvr

Of course you do, you have a right to all feelings. It may not be the time to talk about the issues in your relationship but I try to accept your feelings. Sorry the holiday was stressful.

Katchie

I don't let myself feel things most the time. I don't even know how to do that because it just doesn't feel safe. That in it's self doesn't make sense but its the way I feel and have felt since I can remember.

Katchie

sorry for all the extras..don't know how that happened.

Katchie

Sorry, dbl post...don't know how that is happening.

dandylion

Katchie.....I do think that for the majority...the baggage that we carry around had it's origin in our growing up years.

dandylion

NYCDoglvr

It makes perfect sense. I'm both a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and codependent. I drank daily not to feel my feelings and in sobriety got into a very dysfunctional relationship as a way of avoiding the real stuff I didn't want to face. My sponsor said of feelings: "don't feed them, don't fight them, accept them." When the anesthesia of alcohol and a very screwed up recovering alcoholic wore off I thank God had AA and Alanon, which saved my sanity. I learned there's nothing outside myself that will fill up the deep hole in my gut but by working the steps and therapy, I do have peace of mind now. There was a lot of rage, but I learned how to deal with it in a healthy manner.
Most of all I learned that feelings aren't facts: just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I've done anything wrong. And anger is a healthy emotion that passes. All feelings pass.

heres2hope

Maybe you are angry at all the lost time when he could have been sober? I find that that is what I get most upset about. That, and that you are ever got in this situation in the first place...where you actually have to think that you're having a nice time because he's sober. That is something normal people take for granted. I miss those days.

AnvilheadII

when he's drinking, you know the drill.......it's predictable. you each have ROLES and have a script to read from.

you don't HAVE a script where the leading man is sober. so you have to improvise....much as you might have WANTED him sober, it throws everything off kilter.

so think about something you totally take pride in....maybe it's your Swedish meatballs, or how you can get stains out of ANYTHING, or your flower garden. something you KNOW, and you do WELL.

and let's say you get sick and a neighbor or a cousin or a woman from church comes in to help out.....and she makes YOUR meatballs BETTER than you've ever made them, I mean the friggin' Food Network is calling for HER recipe.....or instead of doing the laundry, weaves new clothes......or completely overhauls your garden and now people drive by JUST to see it.

you'd be mad, probably, right? that was YOUR thing, your thing you did and did very well. and like, crap, NOW WHAT?

MissFixit

Maybe you feel angry because you are waiting for the other shoe to drop.

ResignedToWait

That unhappiness that occurs while they are drinking, AND while they were sober was a major factor in me realizing that the relationship was over for me.

LexieCat

I think those feelings can be a combination of:

• Leftover anger from the drinking days.
• Realizing how little we had to do with getting them sober.
• Resentment that they are feeling better without having to suffer more because of how we suffered.
• Everyone is so happy and thankful they're sober, while we aren't getting any kudos for managing while they weren't.
• Not knowing how to navigate a relationship with them now that they're sober.

Feelings aren't facts. It's legitimate to feel however you feel, but carrying around anger and resentment for very long is pretty tough on us.

Katchie

Lexi,
His family is great. The closest to Leave it to Beaver as I know. I love them all to pieces. I can see that I may have a little, ok, maybe ALOT of anger and resentment pinned up because they don't know the real him. My AH is a real good actor. He takes credit for how well our sons are turning out, but he never participated in the hard stuff -- he ran from it, ignored it, drank it away as if it didn't exist -- he's NEVER helped me when it has counted. My one problem son acted up yesterday over lunch with family and was completely disrespectful to me because I asked him to please put his phone away while we were eating and with family. I asked AH to please have a talk with him about his disrespect. He said he would do that, but I knew he wouldn't and now we are home and sure enough, just like I knew, I wasted my breath because he hasn't done a darn thing. His family thinks he is such a good guy. They think he has raised a wonderful family. He's done nothing except give them all of their wants -- he buys them. So I smile. I'm nice and make pleasant conversation, but I KNOW what's behind the curtain!

NYCDoglvr

Ah yes, he's getting the credit. Good ole' jealousy will do it every time.

MissFixit

FWIW, my exA inherited a lot of money and he buys people off too. He surrounds himself with enablers who I honestly don't have much respect for. There are a few who are great and they kind of stay at arms length. I am always surprised by the loyalty they show no matter what he does.

I have come to the conclusion that most people see what they want to see. They see what is easiest and makes them feel good.

Katchie

I politely disagree. I've given a tiny glimpse at what is/has gone on.

changeneeded

[QUOTE=Hammer;5099376]Katchie -- here is my observation -- just saying how things look to me.

Most of here have been through some pretty serious mistreatment, use, and abuse at the hands of an A. For many of us this has been multiplied as we watched other people that we may care more for than ourselves also having been mistreated -- kids, parents, on and on.

Well said, Hammer!