how can this be happening
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
how can this be happening
Just when I think I'm starting to get stronger especially just after a painful holiday I just find out my husband has asked his junkie girlfriend to marry him. He's only been gone for less than 2 months and we aren't even divorced. If addicts don't love anything but their drugs then how can this be happening. I'm so confused!! I don't understand. He said he didn't want to divorce me. He's never said he doesn't love me anymore so how can he just leave me and the kids like this so hurt and broken and just move on after so many years to another life like we never even existed. How can he just go and ask another woman to marry him. What did I do to deserve this?! All I ever did was love and care for him.
I know I shouldn't be this surprised but I am. I feel like someone just kicked me in my stomach. It hurts so much :'(
I know I shouldn't be this surprised but I am. I feel like someone just kicked me in my stomach. It hurts so much :'(
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
I'm so sorry this is happening, but please know that it has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do, said or didn't say. He is an addict and the family was standing in the way of him being free to use and live the life of a user.
The fact that his new girlfriend is also a user is no surprise. He wants someone who will use with him or at least not give him any flack when he uses. It's all about his addiction.
I'm sorry brokenheart. (((HUGS)))
The fact that his new girlfriend is also a user is no surprise. He wants someone who will use with him or at least not give him any flack when he uses. It's all about his addiction.
I'm sorry brokenheart. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Hey brokenheart I so understand where you are...
I also couldn't understand why my husband left and moved on so quickly with another agf. Its really hard and I still cant get my head around it.
What I have done though is read a lot on this site and try and learn from others experiences and hope that I can get back on an even keel..
Your comment "What did I do to deserve this" and "all I ever did was love and care" were my words exactly to my xah..you are not alone!
I then turned to wine to try and numb the pain...now I have that problem to deal with so try to make sure that you look after yourself?
I also couldn't understand why my husband left and moved on so quickly with another agf. Its really hard and I still cant get my head around it.
What I have done though is read a lot on this site and try and learn from others experiences and hope that I can get back on an even keel..
Your comment "What did I do to deserve this" and "all I ever did was love and care" were my words exactly to my xah..you are not alone!
I then turned to wine to try and numb the pain...now I have that problem to deal with so try to make sure that you look after yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you both for your replies. It is very hard, painful and hard to understand. Especially having no kind of closure. Having to try and help my children understand why their dad doesn't come around or call anymore when I don't even know myself. Trying to figure how he can care about this woman and her kids (which shes already lost custody of) and not care about his own.
Thankfully we'll be checking out Celebrate Recovery and AlAnon/Alateen the first week of January. We definitely need some help. I know all I can do is lean on God and trust him to heal out hearts. I just wish it didn't hurt so badly :'(
Thankfully we'll be checking out Celebrate Recovery and AlAnon/Alateen the first week of January. We definitely need some help. I know all I can do is lean on God and trust him to heal out hearts. I just wish it didn't hurt so badly :'(
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi BH,
Hugs to you during this difficult time. I'm sure it feels like your heart was just ripped out of your chest, stepped on and then tossed aside. It hurts to see the ones we fell in love be with someone else.
However, I don't think he loves his new girlfriend. He loves using with her, which is totally different. If he is still using meth, then he is probably incapable of loving anyone, much less her, in a real and meaningful way. He is consumed by his addiction and she is playing a part in that addiction. If she's using with him, then she's not asking him to quit. He probably feels safe using with her and that's all he cares about: using. If you husband is using with his gf, then know that all his proclamations of love towards her are probably just an illusion. An illusion to divert from the very real mess that he's created. He wants you and the rest of the world to buy into it, but a sober mind (yours) and an addicted mind (his) will not see things the same way.
My XH used to create his own reality in his mind to justify what he was doing. He could go on for hours and hours about everybody else's mistakes and play the victim, but he was unable to hold himself accountable for the pain that he inflicted on others.
Think of the life you husband and gf would have together. Would you want that life for yourself? Perhaps you were hoping that he would take this time to sober up and that things would slowly start to improve. But he has to take an active role in his recovery and it doesn't seem like he wants that for himself yet.
I'm so glad you are looking into Celebrate Recovery and Alanon/Alateen. I used to attend Celebrate Recovery in my area and I found it to be a very uplifting and positive experience. Addiction makes many of us feel so powerless. By working on your own recovery, you begin to take back some of the control and power back in your life. It's not easy, (and sometimes we take some steps back) but little by little you will start to feel stronger and stronger.
Hugs to you and your family.
Hugs to you during this difficult time. I'm sure it feels like your heart was just ripped out of your chest, stepped on and then tossed aside. It hurts to see the ones we fell in love be with someone else.
However, I don't think he loves his new girlfriend. He loves using with her, which is totally different. If he is still using meth, then he is probably incapable of loving anyone, much less her, in a real and meaningful way. He is consumed by his addiction and she is playing a part in that addiction. If she's using with him, then she's not asking him to quit. He probably feels safe using with her and that's all he cares about: using. If you husband is using with his gf, then know that all his proclamations of love towards her are probably just an illusion. An illusion to divert from the very real mess that he's created. He wants you and the rest of the world to buy into it, but a sober mind (yours) and an addicted mind (his) will not see things the same way.
My XH used to create his own reality in his mind to justify what he was doing. He could go on for hours and hours about everybody else's mistakes and play the victim, but he was unable to hold himself accountable for the pain that he inflicted on others.
Think of the life you husband and gf would have together. Would you want that life for yourself? Perhaps you were hoping that he would take this time to sober up and that things would slowly start to improve. But he has to take an active role in his recovery and it doesn't seem like he wants that for himself yet.
I'm so glad you are looking into Celebrate Recovery and Alanon/Alateen. I used to attend Celebrate Recovery in my area and I found it to be a very uplifting and positive experience. Addiction makes many of us feel so powerless. By working on your own recovery, you begin to take back some of the control and power back in your life. It's not easy, (and sometimes we take some steps back) but little by little you will start to feel stronger and stronger.
Hugs to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I'm so sorry. We all ask ourselves the same question -
Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this when all I did was love this person? The only real answer in any of it is that YOU did nothing and you DO NOT deserve this.
It makes no sense but your husband's addiction and his actions have nothing to do with you. When you're addicted to drugs, the addiction rules every decision you make. Your husband is with another addict because they both love drugs more than anything else and they are both willing to make drugs #1. You weren't willing to let drugs rule your life and that didn't work for your husband. As far as why he has now proposed to this woman...who the hell knows. Addicts do crazy, messed up sh*t that we will never truly understand. But I know one thing for certain and him supposedly wanting to marry her has nothing to do with you, your kids, or true love.
Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Why did this happen? What did I do to deserve this when all I did was love this person? The only real answer in any of it is that YOU did nothing and you DO NOT deserve this.
It makes no sense but your husband's addiction and his actions have nothing to do with you. When you're addicted to drugs, the addiction rules every decision you make. Your husband is with another addict because they both love drugs more than anything else and they are both willing to make drugs #1. You weren't willing to let drugs rule your life and that didn't work for your husband. As far as why he has now proposed to this woman...who the hell knows. Addicts do crazy, messed up sh*t that we will never truly understand. But I know one thing for certain and him supposedly wanting to marry her has nothing to do with you, your kids, or true love.
Again, I'm so sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
That's awful BH, but he's not as strong as you. He's found someone who will let him use, that's all.
I guess he's clinging onto whatever wreckage he can find, probably super grateful he can go on using with no responsibility. Thanks to you, your children still have a stable loving parent.
I guess he's clinging onto whatever wreckage he can find, probably super grateful he can go on using with no responsibility. Thanks to you, your children still have a stable loving parent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Should the new "love of his life" get in the way of his using,
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Vale 
Should the new "love of his life" get in the way of his using,
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
yep! Happened to me...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you all so much for your love and support. I'm so glad I found SR. There is no way I could get through all of this without all of your help, advice and support. It's so sad to know that so many people have had to suffer through the same heartache and pain that I am feeling because of this awful self inflicted disease.
I know I have to learn not to take what is happening so personal...it's hard not to...but it just makes things so much harder to dwell on what's happening. You know he used to always tell me how much he loved me because of how strong I am and how I am a fighter and always make it through anything on top. I have lost that part of myself over the last year or so but you know what he was right.. he's stupid for letting it go but I AM strong and I am a fighter and as much as this hurts I will make it through this. I have to for my children. They need someone to love and care for them and I'm the one here to do that so it's exactly what I'm going to do. Please keep your support coming cause I know it will take some time to heal and for that strong independent woman to come back but with lots prayer and support I know I can do this.
I'm a little nervous to start the celebrate recovery and Alanon case I'm a very quiet, shy, insecure person and any "public speaking" even just speaking to one other person I don't know is scary and nerve racking to me but I'm hoping and praying that this will be a good experience and that it will help me to open up and to get my life and strength back and I'm praying that my children will be able to open up and get the help and support they need as well. Thanks again for all of your wise words, understanding and support through this most difficult time in my life. I don't know how I would make it through all of this without you.
THANK YOU!! *HUGS*
I know I have to learn not to take what is happening so personal...it's hard not to...but it just makes things so much harder to dwell on what's happening. You know he used to always tell me how much he loved me because of how strong I am and how I am a fighter and always make it through anything on top. I have lost that part of myself over the last year or so but you know what he was right.. he's stupid for letting it go but I AM strong and I am a fighter and as much as this hurts I will make it through this. I have to for my children. They need someone to love and care for them and I'm the one here to do that so it's exactly what I'm going to do. Please keep your support coming cause I know it will take some time to heal and for that strong independent woman to come back but with lots prayer and support I know I can do this.
I'm a little nervous to start the celebrate recovery and Alanon case I'm a very quiet, shy, insecure person and any "public speaking" even just speaking to one other person I don't know is scary and nerve racking to me but I'm hoping and praying that this will be a good experience and that it will help me to open up and to get my life and strength back and I'm praying that my children will be able to open up and get the help and support they need as well. Thanks again for all of your wise words, understanding and support through this most difficult time in my life. I don't know how I would make it through all of this without you.
THANK YOU!! *HUGS*
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Originally Posted by Vale
Should the new "love of his life" get in the way of his using,
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
she will find herself in the trashcan in 6.25 seconds.
The hardest thing for me was watching this foolish person surrender
people/family and things of infinite value.......for garbage.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
my XH (became an alcoholic) was a blessing. He would not let me drink, smoke, use pot or any other substance, go out, etc. It may have saved me from myself.
It was ok for him to drink and smoke, go out and have friends.
He choked, strangled, suffocated, raped, threatened me for 21 yrs.
And do you know what he got ? a determined, strong, independent, driven, responsible ex-wife !! My children have a mom they can look up to, who protected them from the filth of life.
Often, we cannot see it, but the challenges sent to us may be our blessings.
They strengthen us and build us into even better people.
You cannot see this yet but we can.
I was quiet. Slightly introverted. Didn't speak often. A bit insecure. I grew out of that and I say it like it is. People may not like hearing it in black and white but it is what it is.
You will get thru this. And it will bring you to a new place.
Ask your higher power for strength and know that we are here whenever you need us. Many of us have been thru the same pain.
Hugs BH, you are strong.
JOIE12
It was ok for him to drink and smoke, go out and have friends.
He choked, strangled, suffocated, raped, threatened me for 21 yrs.
And do you know what he got ? a determined, strong, independent, driven, responsible ex-wife !! My children have a mom they can look up to, who protected them from the filth of life.
Often, we cannot see it, but the challenges sent to us may be our blessings.
They strengthen us and build us into even better people.
You cannot see this yet but we can.
I was quiet. Slightly introverted. Didn't speak often. A bit insecure. I grew out of that and I say it like it is. People may not like hearing it in black and white but it is what it is.
You will get thru this. And it will bring you to a new place.
Ask your higher power for strength and know that we are here whenever you need us. Many of us have been thru the same pain.
Hugs BH, you are strong.
JOIE12
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Joie
Thanks so much I appreciate your words. Im so sorry for what you have had to endure.
You sound like an AMAZING woman!! Your children are so lucky to have you
Thanks for your support and you're right this is most likely a blessing In disguise. Thank you ♡
Thanks so much I appreciate your words. Im so sorry for what you have had to endure.
You sound like an AMAZING woman!! Your children are so lucky to have you
Thanks for your support and you're right this is most likely a blessing In disguise. Thank you ♡
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
So the kids keep asking me if they can just talk to their dad. Should I try getting ahold of him to let them talk to him or try finding him to let them see him? They haven't seen or heard from him in about 3 weeks and they just keep asking to please talk to him. Is it best to not try contacting him or should I try for them?
Any advice on what I should do? This whole situation is just so stressful and sad. My heart breaks for my children. They love him so much
Any advice on what I should do? This whole situation is just so stressful and sad. My heart breaks for my children. They love him so much
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Vale - you have it so right. People trading gold for garbage. It's so unreal. Brokenheart - you are gold. Don't let this addiction rip the good from your heart. It's so easy for that to happen. This isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. It's the pull of the drugs are so deep. God Bless you and I will be praying for strength for you and your family. I'm so sorry for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by brokenheart435
So the kids keep asking me if they can just talk to their dad. Should I try getting ahold of him to let them talk to him or try finding him to let them see him? They haven't seen or heard from him in about 3 weeks and they just keep asking to please talk to him. Is it best to not try contacting him or should I try for them?
Any advice on what I should do? This whole situation is just so stressful and sad. My heart breaks for my children. They love him so much
Any advice on what I should do? This whole situation is just so stressful and sad. My heart breaks for my children. They love him so much
I think that is one of the most devastating parts of my ex's alcoholism, watching our son suffer because my ex chooses to drink rather than be a parent, and because I chose an alcoholic to be his father in the first place.
My ex also found a new enabler pretty much immediately after I left. Theirs is not an epic love story for the ages, but a tale of two incredibly sick people caught in a terrible dynamic of alcoholism and codependency. She unfortunately has three daughters who are learning that this is what a relationship looks like and this is how adults behave. It is just sad.
So sorry you and your kids are dealing with this. Huge hugs to you all.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Many times they move on so quickly because they simply cannot be alone. It's hard to grasp, but there it is. I know my X is like an overgrown child himself, someone has to take care of him. It's not me, so it has to be someone else. Good luck to her is all I can say.
Step away and find some peace.
Step away and find some peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
KIR-
Thank you for your words and your prayers
LS-
Thanks. I keep trying to decide if it's best or if he'll just use it as a way to start coming around and harassing again. I guess it would be easier if he didn't know where we lived right now but since we can't move. I'm confused as to if it's a good idea to contact him or just leave it alone until he tries contacting them. If he ever will
Hopeful-
Thanks I'm trying to find peace. It seems as though when I think I'm doing ok. The drama or new info in this situation finds me. I'm trying to just let it go...I wish it was as easy said as done. I know it will take time to get over a husband I've loved so much for so long. When he left i thought it was so he could get his head right to come back better for us so all of this just is like a huge slap in the face. I was definitely not expecting this to happen. I wish it was easier than it is. And hopefully once I start the meetings next week I can get help to move forward instead of holding on to the past.
Thank you for your words and your prayers
LS-
Thanks. I keep trying to decide if it's best or if he'll just use it as a way to start coming around and harassing again. I guess it would be easier if he didn't know where we lived right now but since we can't move. I'm confused as to if it's a good idea to contact him or just leave it alone until he tries contacting them. If he ever will
Hopeful-
Thanks I'm trying to find peace. It seems as though when I think I'm doing ok. The drama or new info in this situation finds me. I'm trying to just let it go...I wish it was as easy said as done. I know it will take time to get over a husband I've loved so much for so long. When he left i thought it was so he could get his head right to come back better for us so all of this just is like a huge slap in the face. I was definitely not expecting this to happen. I wish it was easier than it is. And hopefully once I start the meetings next week I can get help to move forward instead of holding on to the past.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
NarAnon has been a lifesaver for me, and Alateen helped my daughter immensely when learning about addiction and her sister. I am really glad you are going to meetings. The first meeting is the hardest, but everyone there knows that and remembers their first meeting. I bet you will be warmly welcomed. Don't worry about being shy. Just be yourself. You can always pass the first few meetings until you start to feel more comfortable. Let us know how it goes, okay?
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