Copper442

I'm 16 days sober today and I expected things to be different. Better. The first time I got sober two years ago because of legal stuff, I remember it took me 4 solid months before I felt like a person again. I don't remember much of the experience as I hit the bottle again just as hard as if I hadn't quit and alcohol has shot my memory. But since then, in the last several months of a week of sobriety here, two weeks there, I was feeling so much better at this point.

I was productive, happy, content. This time is completely different. I am trapped in this cycle of rage and anxiety/depression. I'm surprised I have not ground my teeth down to dust as I spend everyday jaw clenched and I don't even know why. I don't feel "sober", just dry. Like, I'm white-knuckling it to not drink but nothing else is changing. I am just going through the absolute necessities of the day because I have no desire to do more. I'm feeling very detached from myself, as if I am a parasite within myself.

My determination is fading and I want to give up. I don't know what I would give up and return to because I can't go back to drinking. My drinking has escalated and I've been more reckless. I know I WILL die or be incarcerated for a large chunk of my life if I take another drink.

There is just so much going on. I can't get my past mistakes out of my mind. I'm also suffering with the reappearance of past hurts from the last 10 years working their way to the surface. I'm bitter, hurt, angry, resentful, and struggling to learn how to deal with all this. The cherry on the cake is that my 26th birthday is coming up on new year's eve and I'm terrified. I'm trying not to worry about it until it is closer to time but I know this will be the biggest hurdle of all for me. I can't help but want to be prepared.

I'm sorry for ranting. I just need help. I really need hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just knowing it is there will help me keep going. I need to know this is normal if it is, and what I can do to make this better. I'm at my wits end and drained.

trachemys

I'm going to recommend something I rarely recommend: Go to AA.

You know what sobriety feels like. It feels good. You need some people to help you and to be accountable to for staying sober.

You can do this.

Conquest

Big hugs, Copper. And great work on 16 days. My own experience has been an emotional roller coaster. All I can say is that the good outweighs the bad for me. Reminding myself to be patient is something I have to do every day. Best wishes for continued success!

biminiblue

I agree with turtle, AA can help you - a lot.

I don't go any more, but all those things you listed? That's exactly what AA will help you with overcoming. Go. It's free, and you don't have to say a word if you don't feel like it.

Maybe try several different times/locations. Each meeting is different. In my area the younger folks like you go to night meetings. Try some 7PM or 9PM meetings. What do you have to lose other than those crazy circular thoughts?

Copper442

I will go to a meeting today. I'm scared, but I'll do it.

JanieJ

Good for you, let us know how it went Copper

trachemys

Scared?

Are you a monster? No one there is a monster, either. Just alcoholics trying to stay sober. Just like you.

SoberLeigh

I agree with the Trach. Face to face support sounds like just what you need. Bi don't use AA either but the Steps help you identify and work through issues.

Glad to hear that you are going to a meeting today.

Copper442

Lol, I feel like a monster sometimes. Especially first thing in the morning. I have some issues with social anxiety. I did check out a meeting though. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. Everyone was really nice. I plan to check out some more this week.

SoberLeigh

Glad the meeting went well, Copper.