Wholesome

I'm back and going to give it another go..... It's been 2 days since I got drunk but oh boy did I ever get drunk! I got off work xmas eve early and had the house to myself and a ton of holiday booze here. I started with caesars and moved on to beer with little sleep from the night and an empty stomach. I then headed over to my boyfriends mothers place... already sauced. Not good. When I got there I ate a pot brownie (her's not mine) and continued to drink red wine. I don't remember going home and woke up with THE FEAR! What have I done? What did I say? Regular flashbacks of paranoid snippets of conversation. I felt shaky and sick. I was sure his whole family hated me and was out to get me. I had to go to my families xmas day.... even on a good day I have feelings of isolation and rejection when I have to go see them all. My nauseatingly perfect sister droning on and on about how perfect her life is while my parents coo over her. Barf! I've done the best I could to escape it since I was old enough to make my own decisions and can barely tolerate it while I'm feeling good... let only ill from drink. I've often wondered if it's all those feelings of not being good enough in my own family that have lead me to drink away my feelings... I absolutely detest having to listen to it... I get so stressed when I have to be around it. Thank God I don't have to do it for another year.
I talked to my bf's mother the next day and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was... I was not the only drunk in the room but I hate getting that out of it and I hate waking up with THE FEAR. I wish I could stop doing it. I'm always trying to manage my drinking... Only on weekends, if I do it during the week limiting the quantity and going to bed early enough to sleep it off. But there have been waaaaaaaaaay too many times that I get out of control drunk and have to live with this crippling remorse.
Anyways thanks for reading my rant. I'm going to try giving this whole sober way another shot. Although I must be honest... even writing down how my family dynamics makes me feel has left me craving a drink!

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, zenchaser.

One of the best things about sobriety is waking up and remembering everything about yesterday.

SoberLeigh

Here are a couple of useful links for cravings and urges:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...arolD%27s+tips

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

TorontoGuy28

Drinking is but a symptom....

I drank to cope with work stress ; sense of worthlessness my father regularly injected into me ; sense of not belonging... list goes on.

AA will help you stay sober, but family issues etc. need to be addressed by a therapist.

Feel free to PM and I'll send you a few names I've worked with around Toronto eh.

All the best and thanks for sharing !

TG

BernieE

Zen chaser, you need a plan beyond exercising your willpower. You know the saying, If nothing changes, nothing changes. I had to recognize and accept that my off switch was broken and moderation beyond my control. You don't ever have to feel THE FEAR again but you need to take some new actions.

Welcome back!

Soberwolf

Welcome bk Zen

desypete

i can well remember my ex family coming over on boxing days as it is my daughters birthday and we used to have a party for her every year and all the family would come around to ours

i hated my ex family coming over and i spent many times staying upstairs out of the way of them as i didnt even want to be sociable to them

i was so full of selfishness and fault finding in everyone and if i didnt like them no matter if they have done me no harm at all then i wouldnt like them and i would build up all my resentments towards them so i could hate them

i used to tell my ex i am sick of her family as i looked down my nose at them, they never did anything wrong it was me and how sick my mind works that was the problem

thats without even taking a drink

put a drink on top of it and i would really show how i felt and then wake up the next day wanting to hide away for what i might of done

its not only my drinking that needs to stop but also how i think and feel and react to people places and things

but i can never have a chance at any sort of change if i am still drinking so the drinking has to be gone the rest i can work on with the help of aa for me

Jsbodhi

Oh I call it THE FEAR too
Hope you feel better xoxo

Wholesome

Thank you Soberleigh. Torontoguy I have been toying with the idea of going back into therapy... I could certainly use some so I will likely pm you. BernieE I have known for a decade that I can't drink like a "normal" person. As I"m sure everyone on here can relate to I can get a bunch of motivation and have periods of sobriety but it never seems to last... I need to make some deep inner changes if I want it too. Perhaps AA again and some counselling will help.
desypete... I'm not normally an angry resentful person but I avoid family get togethers because I always feel ****** after them. My family isn't aware... I keep it to myself and smile and pretend until I can get the **** out of there! In my life that I've made on my own I have a wonderful bf and great kids and a handful of lifelong friends. I've tried telling my mom that I"m sick of playing second fiddle to my sister and always having to listen to how wonderful and sweet and beautiful and talented and PERFECT she is.... that it hurts me. But my mom isn't going to change.. that's how she feels. I just do my best to limit my exposure. Maybe next year I will do xmas in the Bahama's lol.
I don't like feeling like a petty, small, envious person. I love my family but I hate the dynamics. Both my parents had/have addiction problems too. Give my mom a few drinks and off down memory lane we go again... hearing the same stories that I've had to listen to since I was a little girl and part of her broken record is how sickeningly perfect she thinks my sister is. It triggers these emotions from childhood.
Anyways yes yes yes therapy!

Suzieq17

THE FEAR is awful. I never knew what to call it, but I do now. You can do this--stay strong!

Anna

So, what can you do to change that situation? Clearly it's an ongoing problem. For me, I detached from my mother and had only occasional phone calls. It was one of the best decisions I made to help me to recover.