wiltwillow

I have a question that I have been struggling to find an honest answer to.

My daughters dad and ex long term boyfriend is in a sober home and has been sober for almost two months. He is completely out of money, without once cent. This is a result of the debts he caused while he was using.

If he can't come up with money for rent next week he will be kicked out of the program.

My question is, is giving an addict in recover money enabling? I know that obviously if he were still actively using that would be the case. But what about when they are trying to get well and have proven they are serious about getting sober?

FeelingGreat

Hi willow, FWIW I don't think it's enabling as long as it's paid in directly for rent. I think it's kind. Just be careful of setting a precedent if he reverts to dependency.

I know it's a different scenario but when my children became young adults I would occasionally help them financially if they were doing something constructive, rather than spending it on lifestyle.

lillamy

Well, whether it's enabling or not, I can't answer.

I can tell you this: Two months of sobriety is nothing.

My ex went through rehab and was sober for four months. He proudly broke the restraining order I had against him to show off his 100-day chip from AA. A month later, he was downing a bottle of vodka every night again.

If I had given him money after 90 days, he would have gone out and gotten drunk. Because he was never serious about getting sober -- he was just trying to do the outward thing to make me think he was getting sober to make me come back.

Here's how I think about it: If someone is serious about getting sober, they will find a way to get the help they need regardless of circumstances.

He's your ex-boyfriend. He's an adult. He is as capable of taking care of himself as you are. Why are you contemplating helping him? And I promise that's not a snarky question -- it's one I would ask myself. Is it because you think you can help him stay sober and that would benefit your daughter?

wiltwillow

I know that 2 months sober is hardly anything. He was two years sober before he relapsed for the first time.

I guess it is for my daughter, but also myself. I don't have the money to spare, so that should be enough to tell myself no. Watching the person you love screw up because of using angers you so much. But watching them fail when they are in the process of getting well makes you sad.

I was so happy to see him healthy today and got a glimpse of the old, sober him. Knowing that he could be homeless next week breaks my heart.

lillamy

Yeah. It should. But... I know that I put AXH's needs above my own for a long time. Even after I left him.

Hope is hard. (((hugs)))

Carlotta

That's your answer right there. Paying his rent when you barely make by puts your daughter at risk of being deprived should you hurt yourself and be unable to work.
I guess he does not pay child support either.
You are her parent not his especially on a tight budget, you have a financial responsibility to that little girl not to that grown man.

Hangnbyathread

I'd suggest that he go to a church and see if they can assist him.

Hammer

You know what my sponsor told me -- actually all of us in the Steps Program -- You Will Be Tested.

Turned out he was COMPLETELY Correct.

The Tests hit me on Everything. And I Failed. I Failed. and . . . I Failed.

Great Big F's. Which were very humbling for me.

Which was Ok. Else I would not REALLY understand that I needed the stuff of Steps 1, 2, and 3 in all this.

But like I say that was Ok. Because one of my Character Defects is my Arrogance, so I can use ALL the humble I can get.

So back to you.

Do you understand the Money is likely HIS test?

Here is the deal with A's. They are VERY Resourceful. Consider many are so resourceful that they manage to become Addicts to some things that are even illegal. THAT is very Resourceful and Dedicated.

Perhaps YOUR Test is whether you can choose to let him deal with HIS problems while YOU deal with YOURS.

Dunno, that part is between YOU and your HP, and none of my business.

Hope you do better on your tests than I did on mine.

But since you had the wisdom to come check yourself -- you likely will.

If you really want to ACE the test -- Pray about it some, and follow the path.

Only A+ Honor Roll on that path.

Hammer

.

NWGRITS

He won't fail if he doesn't want to. I would let him figure out how to get by like every other sober person out there, and see what comes of it. The only person responsible for him is him.

daisy6234

If he went through a rehab program they may have resources to help with getting a job for him. When my son was in rehab then sober living we paid for 2 months sober living. he did find work just didn't pay all expenses. He took any job he could. He really is working the program and 7 and 3/4 months sober. Addicts are very resourceful but they also need hope.

dandylion

wiltwillow....yes, I would consider that enabling. He is in his position as a natural consequence of his using. If his consequences are softened he will not benefit from them.
If you did not exist he would have to figure a way to make it.

If you do decide to pay his rent..do not expect to see that money. If he has a history of irresponsibility--you had better consider it a gift. He should be sending you money for his child...not expecting you to pull his ox out of the ditch.

I know you didn't want to get this answer. I understand the impulse to go to his aid. But I must go o n my own experience in this kind of situation.
Let me tell you....experience has led me to have a m uch tougher skin....LOL!

dandylion

p.s. If he wants to make it...he will...on his own steam. He is not helpless. Many successful people have had to sleep in their cars or on a park bench or go to the local shelter for help or the food bank for food. It wouldn't kill him.
It would build his self esteem to know that he survived o n his own..it would mean more to him.

redatlanta

The issue to me is that there is no plan in pace for him to continue the program i.e. a job or some source of income. I am unsure if he pays by the week or the month, but paying it for him this time doesn't solve it for next time. It only buys a little time.

If he were working and this was really a "bridge" loan then I might consider. Getting back on his feet financially is part of the program.

Rosalba

Yes, if he's serious about his recovery he'll find a way of doing it on his own, and if he isn't, it's your money down the drain. You have no responsibility for him and, by the same token, no business taking from him an obligation which is his and his alone.

It is difficult, extremely difficult, to stand by and watch someone create a train wreck of their lives, especially after a lifetime of caretaking other people. But learning to do this, holding still and not preventing the inevitable consequences of someone else's behaviour is an important part of YOUR recovery.

He may be OK anyway. He may not. But either way, the decisions are his alone, and so will be his sense of achievement if he does kick the habit. Or, as someone in my Alanon group put it when talking about a family member: "He's got a Higher Power - and I'm not it!"

sugarbear1

someone helped him get into a sober home, why isn't he doing some kind of work?

it's not your responsibility, he has to begin to figure out that he has things he must do.

keep your money and help you and your daughter out.

hopeful4

I am sure the sober house has run into this before. Has he talked to them to assist in coming up with a solution. What other places has he went to for resources?

If you do this once, it is just going to come due again next week or month. I am sure when he moved in there he knew he would have to pay.

XXX