Is this enabling?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Is this enabling?
I have a question that I have been struggling to find an honest answer to.
My daughters dad and ex long term boyfriend is in a sober home and has been sober for almost two months. He is completely out of money, without once cent. This is a result of the debts he caused while he was using.
If he can't come up with money for rent next week he will be kicked out of the program.
My question is, is giving an addict in recover money enabling? I know that obviously if he were still actively using that would be the case. But what about when they are trying to get well and have proven they are serious about getting sober?
My daughters dad and ex long term boyfriend is in a sober home and has been sober for almost two months. He is completely out of money, without once cent. This is a result of the debts he caused while he was using.
If he can't come up with money for rent next week he will be kicked out of the program.
My question is, is giving an addict in recover money enabling? I know that obviously if he were still actively using that would be the case. But what about when they are trying to get well and have proven they are serious about getting sober?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
1. how do you know for a FACT that he is absolutely without ANY money?
2. why is this YOUR problem?
3. at some point, he's going to have to figure out how to support himself - now is as good a time as any.
4. ex's are ex's for a reason.
2. why is this YOUR problem?
3. at some point, he's going to have to figure out how to support himself - now is as good a time as any.
4. ex's are ex's for a reason.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I had to let go and let my loved ones learn to care for themselves as any adult would, or I was enabling.
Part of getting well, and especially with the support he was receiving in recovery, meant that he truly was capable of taking care of his adult responsibilities. If he wasn't taking care of those responsibilities himself, then he wasn't really working his recovery and it was a big red flag.
Part of getting well, and especially with the support he was receiving in recovery, meant that he truly was capable of taking care of his adult responsibilities. If he wasn't taking care of those responsibilities himself, then he wasn't really working his recovery and it was a big red flag.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Willow~ I know how you feel when it comes to helping someone out.
I always follow my heart. Some people may disagree but if you think its ok then go ahead. I would never tell someone not to do something.
I do think that helping your ex out constantly would be a different story so as long as he understands that this is a one time offer then do what you think is ok.
I always follow my heart. Some people may disagree but if you think its ok then go ahead. I would never tell someone not to do something.
I do think that helping your ex out constantly would be a different story so as long as he understands that this is a one time offer then do what you think is ok.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Lilly .. please keep sharing. It will help you so much to come here for support and for info and experience.
I have always done what I thought was best, not what others suggested. It usually ended up that I was not looking at it thru clear eyes, but I needed what I chose ... for me.
You will absorb the words here and they will resonate through your mind when needed.
There is a whole great world out there waiting for you.
I wish you peace.
I have always done what I thought was best, not what others suggested. It usually ended up that I was not looking at it thru clear eyes, but I needed what I chose ... for me.
You will absorb the words here and they will resonate through your mind when needed.
There is a whole great world out there waiting for you.
I wish you peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
If I may add my 2 cents...
In a situation like this, other paradigms come into play for me.
1. Would I buy someone a meal on the street, even though they have blown all their money on liquor ? Yes, but I wouldn't give them cash. I would just take them somewhere and feed them.
2. If your ex is working hard on his program, and you can help him stay in that facility, go ahead. If it makes you more comfortable, pay the facility directly.
As others have mentioned, he is an "ex" for a reason, but that doesn't mean you have to cut him completely out of your life. Do what works for you.
Best wishes to you and him during this holiday season!
In a situation like this, other paradigms come into play for me.
1. Would I buy someone a meal on the street, even though they have blown all their money on liquor ? Yes, but I wouldn't give them cash. I would just take them somewhere and feed them.
2. If your ex is working hard on his program, and you can help him stay in that facility, go ahead. If it makes you more comfortable, pay the facility directly.
As others have mentioned, he is an "ex" for a reason, but that doesn't mean you have to cut him completely out of your life. Do what works for you.
Best wishes to you and him during this holiday season!
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