Unmerry Christmas at my house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
Unmerry Christmas at my house
Christmas was awful.
My AH woke me up in the middle of the night, just before Christmas morning, to "talk." He claimed that he can talk to his wife whenever he wants and no one is going to stop him. He constantly wakes me up in the middle of the night to have discussions instead of 8 or 9pm when we're just hanging out. I tried to be quiet and let him just go then he asked me to tell him if he was drunk. I said no. Then I asked, but have you been drinking? That's when he snapped. He told me to F off, he said F you several times, cursed some more, then passed out.
In the morning, it was cold and awkward. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying "nothing," since I knew that it would go no where. He kept asking over and over and finally I said that I was sick of him waking me up in the middle of the night to talk, it's not okay, sleep in important, etc. He of course turned everything on me and it was all my fault.
We went to my sisters later for lunch. He doesn't eat red sauce, we have Italian Christmas food, so my mom always buys a roast for him. Well, the roast was forgotten and didn't get put in the oven until we got there. We all sat down to eat, and my sister offered to make him something else several times and he kept saying no. So he left to go find something to eat. When he got back (no food, everything was closed) the roast was done. He ate and I thought everything was okay.
Later on, he said he couldn't believe that I sat there and ate while he had nothing to eat. I told him that his food had been cooking, but that didn't matter.
I just walked away.
NOTHING I do is right. His drinking, anger, and abuse are getting worse and worse everyday. I came home and cried.
I feel like a coward because I can't just tell him to get out or to leave. I'm strong and independent in everything that I do except when it comes to him.
He left for work this morning and just said, see you later.
If he is so unhappy, why doesn't HE leave? Why is he "waiting" for me to tell him to get out, which I can't do right now?
I don't know what it will take to get to my breaking point, but something keeps holding me back.
My AH woke me up in the middle of the night, just before Christmas morning, to "talk." He claimed that he can talk to his wife whenever he wants and no one is going to stop him. He constantly wakes me up in the middle of the night to have discussions instead of 8 or 9pm when we're just hanging out. I tried to be quiet and let him just go then he asked me to tell him if he was drunk. I said no. Then I asked, but have you been drinking? That's when he snapped. He told me to F off, he said F you several times, cursed some more, then passed out.
In the morning, it was cold and awkward. He kept asking what was wrong and I kept saying "nothing," since I knew that it would go no where. He kept asking over and over and finally I said that I was sick of him waking me up in the middle of the night to talk, it's not okay, sleep in important, etc. He of course turned everything on me and it was all my fault.
We went to my sisters later for lunch. He doesn't eat red sauce, we have Italian Christmas food, so my mom always buys a roast for him. Well, the roast was forgotten and didn't get put in the oven until we got there. We all sat down to eat, and my sister offered to make him something else several times and he kept saying no. So he left to go find something to eat. When he got back (no food, everything was closed) the roast was done. He ate and I thought everything was okay.
Later on, he said he couldn't believe that I sat there and ate while he had nothing to eat. I told him that his food had been cooking, but that didn't matter.
I just walked away.
NOTHING I do is right. His drinking, anger, and abuse are getting worse and worse everyday. I came home and cried.
I feel like a coward because I can't just tell him to get out or to leave. I'm strong and independent in everything that I do except when it comes to him.
He left for work this morning and just said, see you later.
If he is so unhappy, why doesn't HE leave? Why is he "waiting" for me to tell him to get out, which I can't do right now?
I don't know what it will take to get to my breaking point, but something keeps holding me back.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If he is so unhappy, why doesn't HE leave? Why is he "waiting" for me to tell him to get out, which I can't do right now?
I asked myself that same question, too, and wished and wished my AXH would leave. But he didn't. He was totally comfortable with our life. He even told people after I left that he couldn't believe it, because we had the PERFECT MARRIAGE.
It wasn't even a lie. He really thought we had the perfect marriage. He didn't see his control and abuse as control and abuse. It was very comfortable to him.
Al-Anon. Meetings, work the program, build your strength. His voice is strong in your head right now, but you can strengthen your own. Trust me.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JE- Do you have any idea how many times I slept in my car because my A would not leave me alone at night. I would throw clothes on and grab my keys and leave. I couldn't take the verbal abuse anymore. That was my way of getting away from him. Then he would apologize and tell me I didnt have to leave and blah blah blah. I still did because I couldnt stand being around my drunk husband.
Its hard to see from the inside but when he asked you what was wrong in the morning. He doesnt remember till your "remind" him of what he called you and said to you. That's why he badgers you to tell him because he doesnt remember what was so bad that made you pxssed off.
I am so sorry, as your story it's home. (old home) I couldn't take it any longer as I enabled my xh for to many years to do deplorable things to me. I finally had enough respect for myself to say enough. Someday if you keep working a program you will get to that point. You deserve better and you don't have to ruin every weekend and holiday with his selfish, drunken behavior. I would get so embarrassed by his loud opinionated comments.
Work a program, read, post, hit some open AA meetings and you will become a butterfly!!
Its hard to see from the inside but when he asked you what was wrong in the morning. He doesnt remember till your "remind" him of what he called you and said to you. That's why he badgers you to tell him because he doesnt remember what was so bad that made you pxssed off.
I am so sorry, as your story it's home. (old home) I couldn't take it any longer as I enabled my xh for to many years to do deplorable things to me. I finally had enough respect for myself to say enough. Someday if you keep working a program you will get to that point. You deserve better and you don't have to ruin every weekend and holiday with his selfish, drunken behavior. I would get so embarrassed by his loud opinionated comments.
Work a program, read, post, hit some open AA meetings and you will become a butterfly!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
You know, as hard as it has been to be separated from my mate, and missing him so much, all it takes is for me to read a post like yours. My situation was not as bad as yours YET, but I still fantasized about leaving in the middle of the night with my cat and moving to Florida. This was even under the influence of 10-12 beers, the norm on our binge nights.
To be honest, I don't know how one of us recovers while living in such a situation...
To be honest, I don't know how one of us recovers while living in such a situation...
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah.
It can take a while, but once you learn better you can do better -- to sort of quothe Maya Angelou.
My Experience --
Somewhere between me instituting the Hammer Doctrine(s)
of:
"She can Lie all she wants, and I can tell the Truth all I want,"
and
"It is Midnight, I am going to sleep and I am not going to talk to you or your stupid 'sponsor' (a severe codie)."
. . . . I have to tell you -- MY Life got a whole lot better. Dunno about hers.
Not. Hammer's. Problem
(psst. not your problem, either)
It can take a while, but once you learn better you can do better -- to sort of quothe Maya Angelou.
My Experience --
Somewhere between me instituting the Hammer Doctrine(s)
of: "She can Lie all she wants, and I can tell the Truth all I want,"
and
"It is Midnight, I am going to sleep and I am not going to talk to you or your stupid 'sponsor' (a severe codie)."
. . . . I have to tell you -- MY Life got a whole lot better. Dunno about hers.
Not. Hammer's. Problem
(psst. not your problem, either)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 18
I'm being "punished" for not taking care of him on Christmas at my sisters. He's giving me the silent treatment and sleeping on the couch. While I'm enjoying the peaceful sleep, it stinks. I'm not a bad person, why is he treating me as such? He said he's tired of being called sick and an alcoholic so he's not going to bother me anymore and isn't going to talk anymore. Why does he hold grudges? I have forgiven him for telling me to F off and for saying F you to me. I forgive so easily and he holds grudges for what seems like forever. I know it's the disease but it stinks. I'm trying to do fun things with my friends and daughter but I'm lonely too.
Thanks for all the support and for letting me vent. Sometimes I feel like a broken record repeating the same stuff over and over.
Thanks for all the support and for letting me vent. Sometimes I feel like a broken record repeating the same stuff over and over.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
JEllyn, you are buying into his reality hook, line, and sinker. You don't have to. You don't have to forgive him when he does something disrespectful. There is literally no reason ever to cope with one's emotions by telling your wife F you or to F off. You deserve better that -- both from him, and from yourself.
Sending you strength and courage to work through this.
Sending you strength and courage to work through this.
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