987g

Well once again, here I am, looking for some sort of help! I've posted here off and on about a friend of mine who has been sober almost 2 years. We have been friends our whole lives but something started happening between us awhile ago. It's a cycle: we're friends, we date, we spend all our time together then out of nowhere he's distant, cold and not talking to me. It my as well be world war III. Most of the time it's something I did (apparently) because he is never wrong (apparently).

I realize I'm not just a caring person, I'm a co-dependent person and THAT is really hard to admit. I have a tendency to absorb other people's emotions and make their problems mine when really, I don't need to. I'm learning to be a whole and complete person all on my own again.

I guess now that I have stepped away from it all, I see a pattern. I think this friend of mine is addicted to drama. I mean, damn. He dates women (or at least strings them along) that are messed up. They are usually way older or way younger than him. They normally have kids or an ex husband or both. They don't go to school, they job hop, they have an addiction too either that or they really do have a mental illness. His family is usually chaotic, never just at peace. Again, nothing is ever his fault. I feel like you are either on a pedal stool or he hates you with passion.

I mean I am really proud of him for not drinking or drugging and some times it's amazing because I look and see how far he has come but other days, I just see a mess. Is 2 years still "early" in recovery? Or is this just what life with an addict (even a recovering one) is like...forever?

soullong

Interesting question! I'd also like to know thto the answer to this one!

SparkleKitty

Not drinking is just that: not drinking. Recovery is a whole different ballgame.

NWGRITS

Sometimes people are just really crappy, drunk or sober. Taking away the alcohol doesn't solve the problem of the underlying issues that fuel the addiction. If he's not working a program or going to therapy, then it's not likely anything is going to change. What's that saying, that when you take the alcohol away from a drunk horse thief, that you get a sober horse thief? Something like that. Just stopping the alcohol doesn't make a person instantly better.

thotful

Yes, the phenomenon is referred to as a Dry Drunk. The alcohol may be gone, but the obsessive addictive behavior may not be gone. Taking no responsibility for their own actions? yep, been there, done that.

BadCompany

The family I grew up in was nothing but drama. My father has lived his entire life like a 12 year old girl on her first case of pms. When I sobered up I did not even know it was possible to live a life without high drama constantly. People without drama in their lives were like martians to me. It took watching those people in AA for 5 or 6 years before I was able to see what that was all about and how that kind of life even worked.

Seren

Hello 987!

I'm sorry about the way you have been treated by your friend. I don't know whether or not the behavior is typical, but it certainly doesn't sound as though it's going to change anytime soon.

If it were me, I suppose I would have to decide whether or not this person actually added anything to my life except an emotional roller coaster. If not, I would probably decide to end the friendship. What you think of as acceptable behavior around you, you will have to decide for yourself. I hope that you understand, however, that you are not responsible for his emotional well-being--and you certainly aren't responsible for putting up with his emotional abuse.

Please take good care!

987g

Well thank you for all the responses. I think you all are right, he may be sober but he has some emotional healing to do. I have actually been to a lot of AA meetings and church services with him and sometimes, I think...how can he be so full of gratitude and love God as much as he does but treat people SO bad?! He told me once, back when he was first sober, that he treats women bad. Usually the more he cares about you, the worse he treats you. Doesn't make sense to me but whatever. The women that he dates won't change him, he has to do that himself. I could be the perfect woman but I guess that wouldn't matter. I'm gonna try to just leave him alone for a few months and see what happens. I feel like he only treats me right when it's convenient for him! And I can't just keep hanging in there, reinforcing bad behavior.

Hammer

Some Recovery Math . . . .

Alcoholic - (minus) Alcohol = ic

[Ick! ]

Just laugh at the nonsense. Beats crying.

NYCDoglvr

What I learned to do is ask myself why I choose to be with someone who doesn't treat me with basic respect. In my case, it usually comes down to denial and rationalization: he/she will change, it will be different next time, etc. And just because someone stopped drinking doesn't mean they're a person I want to spend time with. I learned that after having the worst relationship of my life with someone who hadn't had a drink in over a decade. Have you considered Alanon?

987g

The thing is, he does treat me well sometimes. I realize this sounds dumb and it is the definition of manipulation but anytime he ever gets mad, or we argue, or he gives me the silent treatment he always turns it into something that can be pinned on me. And then he turns around and goes to church and AA and does all these great things for people and loves people so much that it gets me to thinking that well...maybe it was me. It's my codependency and I know it. It used to not be like this. Ibe known him my whole life, before he started his highway to hell. And even in his first 6 months of recovery, things were good. If he was being an ass hole he would apologize. And he would attempt to communicate. That went down the drain this year, at least with me it did. Again, I know it's not my fault but he's pretty damn convincing. Especually when you love someone and their family.

AnvilheadII

The thing is, he does treat me well sometimes

that's like saying your dog doesn't bite you EVERY day.

He dates women (or at least strings them along) that are messed up. They are usually way older or way younger than him. They normally have kids or an ex husband or both. They don't go to school, they job hop, they have an addiction too either that or they really do have a mental illness. His family is usually chaotic, never just at peace.

when people show us who they are, BELIEVE THEM.