Christmas kind of sucked
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Christmas kind of sucked
My AH went into treatment on Sunday. The two youngest kiddos and I made the 10 hour trip back Monday and finally arrived home on Tuesday.
Since then, all five of them have been having sporadic breakdowns (tears), bursts of anger, name calling, not listening, isolating, and crazy goofing off.
My 9 year old had a meltdown when we were walking the dog. He got ticked off at one of his sisters and then refused to keep the pace with us and hung back several hundred feet. I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I wasn't concerned about his safety, but rather why he was letting a little tiny thing (his sister got tangled in the dog leash he was holding and asked him to help her unravel) make him so mad. During the walk (while he was still keeping his distance from us) my AH called on my cell phone from treatment. My son heard me say "hi, love" and came running up to us as fast as he could. Then I asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad and he said yes. Immediately after saying hi to him, he was heaving crying. (I have rarely seen him cry this hard).....AH was able to talk him down a little. He missed his dad.
Oldest daughter REFUSED to speak with him, but then got mad when AH said ok, she doesn't HAVE to talk....My 10 year old daughter has been in this "fake happy frenzy" since we dropped him off. My 12 year old is just hanging around me ALL the time asking if I'm ok, do I need anything, am I ok, do I need anything, am I ok...you get the picture. She won't leave my side. And my 13 year old son has been just defiant as all get out.
I have tried talking about their feelings, encouraging communication, allowing them space, not being too disciplinary....and so on.
Christmas was really fake this year. All the kids pretended to be happy and yet I could tell they weren't.
I thought they would be happy with getting a break from AH behavior. Any suggestions? Should I try to structure things more - planned activites and so on? Or should I just let the defiant behavior go? Should I have more "the whole family" talks?
We have family day with AH on the 19 & 20 of january. My 9 & 10 year old are not advised to go. it's two days of learning about alcoholism and family letters..not sure what that means, but I guess I'll find out.
My oldest daughter does not want to go. She has a school event for band that she is supposed to go to on the 19th. I think she SHOULD go... and of course she has been avoiding her father like the plague, so I REALLY think she should deal with this. How should I proceed?
We are going to family counseling and they are going to start online ala-teen next tuesday...any other suggestions on how to deal with this. I feel really overwhelmed with their behavior
Since then, all five of them have been having sporadic breakdowns (tears), bursts of anger, name calling, not listening, isolating, and crazy goofing off.
My 9 year old had a meltdown when we were walking the dog. He got ticked off at one of his sisters and then refused to keep the pace with us and hung back several hundred feet. I'm in the middle of nowhere, so I wasn't concerned about his safety, but rather why he was letting a little tiny thing (his sister got tangled in the dog leash he was holding and asked him to help her unravel) make him so mad. During the walk (while he was still keeping his distance from us) my AH called on my cell phone from treatment. My son heard me say "hi, love" and came running up to us as fast as he could. Then I asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad and he said yes. Immediately after saying hi to him, he was heaving crying. (I have rarely seen him cry this hard).....AH was able to talk him down a little. He missed his dad.
Oldest daughter REFUSED to speak with him, but then got mad when AH said ok, she doesn't HAVE to talk....My 10 year old daughter has been in this "fake happy frenzy" since we dropped him off. My 12 year old is just hanging around me ALL the time asking if I'm ok, do I need anything, am I ok, do I need anything, am I ok...you get the picture. She won't leave my side. And my 13 year old son has been just defiant as all get out.
I have tried talking about their feelings, encouraging communication, allowing them space, not being too disciplinary....and so on.
Christmas was really fake this year. All the kids pretended to be happy and yet I could tell they weren't.
I thought they would be happy with getting a break from AH behavior. Any suggestions? Should I try to structure things more - planned activites and so on? Or should I just let the defiant behavior go? Should I have more "the whole family" talks?
We have family day with AH on the 19 & 20 of january. My 9 & 10 year old are not advised to go. it's two days of learning about alcoholism and family letters..not sure what that means, but I guess I'll find out.
My oldest daughter does not want to go. She has a school event for band that she is supposed to go to on the 19th. I think she SHOULD go... and of course she has been avoiding her father like the plague, so I REALLY think she should deal with this. How should I proceed?
We are going to family counseling and they are going to start online ala-teen next tuesday...any other suggestions on how to deal with this. I feel really overwhelmed with their behavior
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Free,
I am so sorry your Christmas sucked, and things were fake. That does suck, what a shame. I've not read much of your story, but I do believe I read when the decision was made for him to go. What an exciting and scarey time for you and all.
I'm not a professional and I've not had experience with my AH going away to rehab or anything of the like. I only have an AH, one that has a great ability to create chaos and wreak havoc.
From what I read around these parts, Alateen is quite helpful and would be a great place for the kids to go and attend.
I'm not sure what I would do with my kids if ever they were in the same position. I would go between insisting they attend, and allowing them to stay behind and receive their own advice froma counselor, who will help them grow and figure their own feelings out.
However, the mood I'm in at this time
, I would probably allow for her to stay behind. After all, she has been around his behavior the longest, has the strongest, and the most memories. She has more reason to be bitter and angry with him. In my opinion he needs to win back her trust. Again, I'm not professional.
I would of course encourage the family counseling, and I might leave it there. Meaning, allow the discussins to come naturally. To have to talk about it at counseling, and then home because you feel they need to get it out more, might cause them to resent you, or even do everything they can to keep from having alone time with you, for fear you will bring the subject up. Do you agree or think that might be true?
I hope you find an answer that suits you all. Be well, Free, I wish you and yours, success, happiness, but mostly peace, with this new year. 3
I am so sorry your Christmas sucked, and things were fake. That does suck, what a shame. I've not read much of your story, but I do believe I read when the decision was made for him to go. What an exciting and scarey time for you and all.
I'm not a professional and I've not had experience with my AH going away to rehab or anything of the like. I only have an AH, one that has a great ability to create chaos and wreak havoc.
From what I read around these parts, Alateen is quite helpful and would be a great place for the kids to go and attend.
I'm not sure what I would do with my kids if ever they were in the same position. I would go between insisting they attend, and allowing them to stay behind and receive their own advice froma counselor, who will help them grow and figure their own feelings out.
However, the mood I'm in at this time
, I would probably allow for her to stay behind. After all, she has been around his behavior the longest, has the strongest, and the most memories. She has more reason to be bitter and angry with him. In my opinion he needs to win back her trust. Again, I'm not professional. I would of course encourage the family counseling, and I might leave it there. Meaning, allow the discussins to come naturally. To have to talk about it at counseling, and then home because you feel they need to get it out more, might cause them to resent you, or even do everything they can to keep from having alone time with you, for fear you will bring the subject up. Do you agree or think that might be true?
I hope you find an answer that suits you all. Be well, Free, I wish you and yours, success, happiness, but mostly peace, with this new year. 3
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Free, apart from family counselling, physical activities together may help. I noticed that although walking the dog wasn't restful for you, it did allow the family to express themselves/vent in many different ways. i've noticed that people who find it hard to express themselves can often open up when they're actively doing something else like crafts, walking, washing the dishes etc.
You sound like a very wise mother.
You sound like a very wise mother.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
My heart goes out to you. Here you are, struggling yourself with the complexities and difficulties of loving an alcoholic, AND you have 5 kids going through the same, each in their own way. You have my admiration.
I think each child processes in a different way, and each child needs a different solution. The "requirement" that your older children attend the family session is from the rehab center, whose concern is your husband's health and recovery.
That doesn't mean that their plan is the best for your children, who also have the right to have their recovery designed around their own needs. If your eldest daughter doesn't go, that seems fine to me. There are other ways to make sure that she gets the information she needs. It may be important to her to be part of the band, which is a constructive activity, something she has committed to, and most likely a stable place of friends and shared fun and accomplishment. Maybe the message that her life gets to go on as she needs it to, and she gets to keep on having fun and accomplishment is the most important message for her.
Sometimes, in my experience, when we have been in denial it is hard to have the reality right out front and talked about. It sort of recalibrates lots of thinking we've had about what went on in the past. And that, for me, was very upsetting. Often children have blamed themselves for actions that were really chosen by adults. So lots of talking and sorting out that they, as children, are and were good, and didn't cause this is important. Even if they don't appear to be listening.
It gives them some structure and guidance for understanding that it is their dad who has a problem, and it is not their fault, and it is their dad who has to fix it, not their job. Your daughter who is solicitious about your health may be playing out her feelings that she would like to fix her dad. Your youngest son may be feeling that he made his dad go away, or worrying that his dad won't come back and missing him. 13 is the beginning of the defiance of teenage years as they establish their own identity, and that may be complicated in that it is time to begin defining yourself as different from your parents, yet here his dad is not present and not doing what your son needs him to.
Your kids' counsellor can give you lots of guidance, and Alateen might be a great idea. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing everything you can, and just keep going on that path. Whether or not your kids immediately respond to what you're saying, somewhere deep inside, they are hearing you. You don't have to be perfect, just there for them and telling them the truth, no matter what. Then they have something to hang on to and give them a healthy inner direction.
I know for me, as the child of an alcoholic and abusive father, no one ever told me that I wasn't responsible or that his behavior wasn't acceptable, and I grew up with that as my inner landscape. And chose - and married - men who were like my dad because that felt "familiar and normal" to me. You are breaking that silence right now, and describing the difference to your children of what is normal and what has been going on that is not normal, and that is brave, and also a lot for your kids to take in. But it is enormously helpful and healthy to their future lives.
Take care, we're here for you whenever you want support.
ShootingStar1
I think each child processes in a different way, and each child needs a different solution. The "requirement" that your older children attend the family session is from the rehab center, whose concern is your husband's health and recovery.
That doesn't mean that their plan is the best for your children, who also have the right to have their recovery designed around their own needs. If your eldest daughter doesn't go, that seems fine to me. There are other ways to make sure that she gets the information she needs. It may be important to her to be part of the band, which is a constructive activity, something she has committed to, and most likely a stable place of friends and shared fun and accomplishment. Maybe the message that her life gets to go on as she needs it to, and she gets to keep on having fun and accomplishment is the most important message for her.
Sometimes, in my experience, when we have been in denial it is hard to have the reality right out front and talked about. It sort of recalibrates lots of thinking we've had about what went on in the past. And that, for me, was very upsetting. Often children have blamed themselves for actions that were really chosen by adults. So lots of talking and sorting out that they, as children, are and were good, and didn't cause this is important. Even if they don't appear to be listening.
It gives them some structure and guidance for understanding that it is their dad who has a problem, and it is not their fault, and it is their dad who has to fix it, not their job. Your daughter who is solicitious about your health may be playing out her feelings that she would like to fix her dad. Your youngest son may be feeling that he made his dad go away, or worrying that his dad won't come back and missing him. 13 is the beginning of the defiance of teenage years as they establish their own identity, and that may be complicated in that it is time to begin defining yourself as different from your parents, yet here his dad is not present and not doing what your son needs him to.
Your kids' counsellor can give you lots of guidance, and Alateen might be a great idea. In the meantime, it sounds like you are doing everything you can, and just keep going on that path. Whether or not your kids immediately respond to what you're saying, somewhere deep inside, they are hearing you. You don't have to be perfect, just there for them and telling them the truth, no matter what. Then they have something to hang on to and give them a healthy inner direction.
I know for me, as the child of an alcoholic and abusive father, no one ever told me that I wasn't responsible or that his behavior wasn't acceptable, and I grew up with that as my inner landscape. And chose - and married - men who were like my dad because that felt "familiar and normal" to me. You are breaking that silence right now, and describing the difference to your children of what is normal and what has been going on that is not normal, and that is brave, and also a lot for your kids to take in. But it is enormously helpful and healthy to their future lives.
Take care, we're here for you whenever you want support.
ShootingStar1
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I love what ShootingStar posted. I have no first-hand experience, but I know enough people with alcoholic parents, or people who have kids with an alcoholic parent, that it rings true to me. Your kiddos are all at different stages of development and have experienced the results of his alcoholism in different ways, plus they each have their own individual personalities, so I think it's absolutely the case that they will process this in their own ways.
Just plain TALKING about it--the big secret, the embarrassing/painful stuff--getting it out in the open, will gradually reduce its effects on them.
Hugs, you are a great mom.
Just plain TALKING about it--the big secret, the embarrassing/painful stuff--getting it out in the open, will gradually reduce its effects on them.
Hugs, you are a great mom.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
FTS- I am sorry about Christmas, it is only a day.
Your kids and you are dealing with the crazyness of alcoholism in your home. Its ok that they are not happy. Life sucks for them and they are showing you that. What you need to do is start making happy times with them while he is gone. They need fun time in their heads to over come all the crxppy things they have been experiencing.
Kids don't hold grudges. Try and do some one on one with each kid. I know it is hard but try and make them feel special. I have 2 kids and I always tell each one that they are my favorite. All the time so they do feel that they are my favorite.
Don't get bummed that it wasn't perfect, as very few of us have "perfect" Christmas's.
This is my first Christmas since my divorce. I had my kids christmas eve and day up till 3:30. My cable and internet went out at noon. So what am I going to do with myself christmas day, all alone, nothing to distract me and pacify me. I survived and enjoyed the time I had alone with my girls. Enjoy the little things and don't look at the "big" pix.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Your kids and you are dealing with the crazyness of alcoholism in your home. Its ok that they are not happy. Life sucks for them and they are showing you that. What you need to do is start making happy times with them while he is gone. They need fun time in their heads to over come all the crxppy things they have been experiencing.
Kids don't hold grudges. Try and do some one on one with each kid. I know it is hard but try and make them feel special. I have 2 kids and I always tell each one that they are my favorite. All the time so they do feel that they are my favorite.
Don't get bummed that it wasn't perfect, as very few of us have "perfect" Christmas's.
This is my first Christmas since my divorce. I had my kids christmas eve and day up till 3:30. My cable and internet went out at noon. So what am I going to do with myself christmas day, all alone, nothing to distract me and pacify me. I survived and enjoyed the time I had alone with my girls. Enjoy the little things and don't look at the "big" pix.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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