lizatola

So, my sister and I are ACOA's. Being 8 years apart, it's almost like we were only children as we were raised and in different generations. She has different childhood memories than I do since our parents divorced when she was 11 and I was 19 and living out of the home already.
Anyway, she is terrlble about being grateful for gifts. I could send her a new car and she 'might' call me to say thank you. I have to ask her, "Did you get the box I sent? Did the kids like their gifts? Does the sweater I bought you fit OK?" And, sometimes she still doesn't say thank you, she just answers the question. "Yep, got the box." "Sure, I got the sweater." To which I respond, "And, did it fit? Do you need the gift receipt?" She still hasn't answered me on this one, LOL.

It's hard to not take it personally because I know she's a grateful person when you're standing in front of her. I don't know what it is about her or why it pushes my buttons but I get frustrated that she can't pick up the phone and just say thank you. I let go of expectations a long time ago but for some reason, I am really perturbed this year. I took a lot of time to put together a nice family themed gift for all of them, including her new fiance and his kids. Oh well, I know I shouldn't expect anything from her. It just makes me want to do one of two things: 1.quit sending her anything or 2. tell her how rude she is being.....OK, that's probably not the right way.

Other than that, I am enjoying the ending to my Xmas day. Hope you all are doing some things for yourselves today, even if it's just taking the dog for a walk!

SparkleKitty

Ha ha. I am nine years younger than my big sister. We are both ACOAs, too.

It is only because of her better example that I learned anything about polite society, saying thank you, or even realized that our mother was an alcoholic.

But I will say this: the gap in our ages is a lot bigger than it seems at first glance, mainly because of the different experiences that we had growing up. She and our brother (7 years older than me, 2 years younger than her) had a lot of experiences with Mom that I did not: they often had to clean up after her, make excuses for her, put her to bed. I was protected from most of that - by them and by our father. Several years ago it became clear that my sister really resented how "easy" I had it. I wasn't in recovery yet and I lost it on her. How would she know how I had it? By the time I was eleven years old, they had both left me there alone with mom and dad. They may believe they had it tougher, but at least they also had each other.

Not sure of my point. Maybe just that we all have different experiences even though it might not seem like we should. Same house, same parents, why not the same childhoods? Well it did not work that way in our house. I don't know what is up with your little sister or why she can't say thank you. I know that no one ever could stop trying to drink away life or to control each other long enough to teach us that stuff when we were growing up (I don't know how my sister figured it out!). She may not be ready to let you know either or to deal with whatever her own experiences were. My brother sent me a text today to thank me for the Christmas presents. I haven't received anything from him. All I know now is that I am much more peaceful when I let go of all expectations and outcomes when it comes to my family and just focus on accepting that we are all still dealing with things that maybe the others can't understand. At least right now.

Merry Christmas to you and yours, Liz!

NYCDoglvr

It might be a good idea to ask yourself why you buy presents for someone who is indifferent and ungrateful.

lizatola

Point well taken. I love her kids and she's been down on her luck for quite some time. Her husband was a douche (won't tell her story here publicly) and she wound up losing her house because of his issues and then declaring bankruptcy in the process. My mom has been helping her out financially for almost 2 years now, but that's her business and I do my best to stay out of it. Anyway, sister's, right? Choices that she's had to live with herself but I adore the kids and my nephews didn't ask for this life. It just sucks to see kids suffer from the effects of their parents' bad decisions so I try to help them out as best as I can.

I think it's time to re-evaluate.

NWGRITS

I'm No Contact with my sister. She's 9 years older than me and we have nothing in common. She's like AM's mini-me, and I'm the total opposite. Our upbringings were nothing alike. She was raised by my mom and dad until I was born, and then our grandmother moved in with us and took over my care. Dad left when I was 3 or 4 and parents officially divorced when I was 5. She would never graciously accept anything I gave her, so I quit trying. She has always made it a point to tell me I ruined her life the day I was born. Apparently I also ruined AM's, so I'm thinking I'm pretty damn powerful. *eyeroll*

But really, I'm horrible about calling people or answering the phone because I have social anxiety. I hate talking on the phone. I'll text or email all day, but put me in a position where I don't have a chance to mull over my responses, and I'm going to fail miserably. I do make it a point to thank people for things, even if they're not asked for or totally missed the mark. You could say I'm gracious to a fault, but that's the people-pleasing ACoA coming out.