Didn't see this one coming
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Didn't see this one coming
This Christmas has not been a happy one. I didn't see it coming.
I've been in a good place for a long time. With regard to my own recovery and my ability to let go of the A's in my life, I've been doing well.
But now it's my children. And I'm not doing well. I wrote a while ago about my oldest daughter, age 21, who I am so deeply concerned for. She is shattered on the inside. All of the ugliness of a broken relationship with her unhealthy alcoholic father is manifesting itself in ways that are killing me. CHILDREN do not deserve the brokenness or pain that alcohol and addiction wreak. Children are born innocent and do not deserve to be abandoned by their ill parents. It is so ******* unfair. So unfair.
In many ways, I have thought that my children were blessed that their father left us when they did. They didn't have to grow up in the home of their self-centered, unhealthy, alcohol-dependent father. But now that they are young adults, the ugliness of his illness is oozing out of them in ways that are tearing me up. My oldest is in a deep pit of depression. She is angry at the world. She lashes out at anyone who she thinks has wronged her in any way. She's fallen into victim mode and now even her sisters don't want anything to do with her. It's tearing me apart to watch her hurt and to watch my daughters hurt each other.
This is not how I envisioned my life--watching my kids turn on each other, watching them hurt. I know haven't been a perfect parent. There are so many things I could have done better. I know that. But I did work so hard to give them a happy life, a stable foundation, and lots and lots of love. WHERE DID THINGS FALL APART? I know the answer. It's a rhetorical question. I know the root of their pain. It's abandonment. It's effing divorce. It's having a father who loves alcohol and sex and his other vices more than he loves himself, and in turn, more than he loves his children. I LOATHE ADDICTION. LOATHE IT.
It's one thing to suffer yourself at the hands of addiction. I'm an adult. I'll be okay. I've worked hard to find healing. BUT IT'S ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TO WATCH YOUR CHILDREN SUFFER.
I know this is not a happy Christmas post. I'm venting, I'm pouring out the pain that is in my heart right now. If you've read this far, thanks. I just can't call anyone in my family right now and ruin their Christmas with my pain.
I do wish Christmas blessings to you all. I know many of us are struggling and I pray for all of you. My faith is strong, but severely tested right now. God bless each and every one of us, our children, our families, and our addicted loved ones. God bless us all.
I've been in a good place for a long time. With regard to my own recovery and my ability to let go of the A's in my life, I've been doing well.
But now it's my children. And I'm not doing well. I wrote a while ago about my oldest daughter, age 21, who I am so deeply concerned for. She is shattered on the inside. All of the ugliness of a broken relationship with her unhealthy alcoholic father is manifesting itself in ways that are killing me. CHILDREN do not deserve the brokenness or pain that alcohol and addiction wreak. Children are born innocent and do not deserve to be abandoned by their ill parents. It is so ******* unfair. So unfair.
In many ways, I have thought that my children were blessed that their father left us when they did. They didn't have to grow up in the home of their self-centered, unhealthy, alcohol-dependent father. But now that they are young adults, the ugliness of his illness is oozing out of them in ways that are tearing me up. My oldest is in a deep pit of depression. She is angry at the world. She lashes out at anyone who she thinks has wronged her in any way. She's fallen into victim mode and now even her sisters don't want anything to do with her. It's tearing me apart to watch her hurt and to watch my daughters hurt each other.
This is not how I envisioned my life--watching my kids turn on each other, watching them hurt. I know haven't been a perfect parent. There are so many things I could have done better. I know that. But I did work so hard to give them a happy life, a stable foundation, and lots and lots of love. WHERE DID THINGS FALL APART? I know the answer. It's a rhetorical question. I know the root of their pain. It's abandonment. It's effing divorce. It's having a father who loves alcohol and sex and his other vices more than he loves himself, and in turn, more than he loves his children. I LOATHE ADDICTION. LOATHE IT.
It's one thing to suffer yourself at the hands of addiction. I'm an adult. I'll be okay. I've worked hard to find healing. BUT IT'S ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TO WATCH YOUR CHILDREN SUFFER.
I know this is not a happy Christmas post. I'm venting, I'm pouring out the pain that is in my heart right now. If you've read this far, thanks. I just can't call anyone in my family right now and ruin their Christmas with my pain.
I do wish Christmas blessings to you all. I know many of us are struggling and I pray for all of you. My faith is strong, but severely tested right now. God bless each and every one of us, our children, our families, and our addicted loved ones. God bless us all.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
HealingWillCome.....I hear you...and, I know of the pain that is in your heart, right now.
So many parents...myself, included, have looked towards the heavens and cried---I worked so hard and I loved them so much..what went wrong;How did this happen?!!
I am glad that you came here to vent. This is just too much to bear alone and too painful to "stuff". This kind of pain can tear you up inside.
I don't know (yet) what kinds of help your daughter(s) have had or that you have plans for getting....if you haven't, already. I do know that there is help for you and them, as well.
Try not to take on too much guilt and feel that the situation is hopeless...because it is not!
Thank you for your Christmas message...and lets make this coming year the year that your family begins the healing.
dandylion
So many parents...myself, included, have looked towards the heavens and cried---I worked so hard and I loved them so much..what went wrong;How did this happen?!!
I am glad that you came here to vent. This is just too much to bear alone and too painful to "stuff". This kind of pain can tear you up inside.
I don't know (yet) what kinds of help your daughter(s) have had or that you have plans for getting....if you haven't, already. I do know that there is help for you and them, as well.
Try not to take on too much guilt and feel that the situation is hopeless...because it is not!
Thank you for your Christmas message...and lets make this coming year the year that your family begins the healing.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Oh, HWC, this broke my heart -- only because I can relate only to well to it:
My youngest, when I put her to bed last night, said "Do you notice how we're almost a normal family when Older Sister isn't around? Having her around is like having a younger female version of Dad, except she's not drinking."
And it's true. Older Sister holds the biggest chunk of dysfunction. Just as you describe. It's heartbreaking, and much more difficult for me to detach from than a dysfunctional drunk husband.
I hope your daughter finds the point she needs to find to realize that things aren't hopeless and she doesn't have to live the rest of her life as a victim. It must be a miserable way to live -- and it sure makes one a miserable person for other people to be around. (((hugs)))
She is angry at the world. She lashes out at anyone who she thinks has wronged her in any way. She's fallen into victim mode and now even her sisters don't want anything to do with her. It's tearing me apart to watch her hurt and to watch my daughters hurt each other.
And it's true. Older Sister holds the biggest chunk of dysfunction. Just as you describe. It's heartbreaking, and much more difficult for me to detach from than a dysfunctional drunk husband.
I hope your daughter finds the point she needs to find to realize that things aren't hopeless and she doesn't have to live the rest of her life as a victim. It must be a miserable way to live -- and it sure makes one a miserable person for other people to be around. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
dandylion and lillamy, thank you. Thanks for understanding and for sharing. I cried so hard and loud today, I even scared the cat. I needed it, I'm sure. It's been building up for months now. After my girls left my home to go to their dad's, it came pouring out of me. And then I took a nap and woke up with eyes so swollen, even if I had somewhere to go right now, I'd probably stay home. I look awful.
No counseling or therapy yet for my oldest. She is still hesitant but starting to open herself up to the idea. We've had some soul-bearing discussions. I can see the depth of her pain. I also think she would benefit from some anti-depressants, but I can't force her to take her issues to a medical doctor. She is an adult and will have to take those steps on her own. She struggles with terrible insomnia and it has become an excuse for not doing things to care for herself during the day.
I've thought about inviting her to go to Al-Anon meetings with me. Any thoughts on that?
No counseling or therapy yet for my oldest. She is still hesitant but starting to open herself up to the idea. We've had some soul-bearing discussions. I can see the depth of her pain. I also think she would benefit from some anti-depressants, but I can't force her to take her issues to a medical doctor. She is an adult and will have to take those steps on her own. She struggles with terrible insomnia and it has become an excuse for not doing things to care for herself during the day.
I've thought about inviting her to go to Al-Anon meetings with me. Any thoughts on that?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
There used to be a proverb in old Israel: "The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens' teeth are set on edge." (Jeremiah 31)
God sent a prophet to correct this idea, the gist of which was that we are all responsible for our own sin. I believe that, translated into the 12 step world, this means that we have to own our own stuff, and not blame mom and dad.
Your daughter is an emancipated adult, and would benefit by working her own program.
God sent a prophet to correct this idea, the gist of which was that we are all responsible for our own sin. I believe that, translated into the 12 step world, this means that we have to own our own stuff, and not blame mom and dad.
Your daughter is an emancipated adult, and would benefit by working her own program.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
There used to be a proverb in old Israel: "The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the childrens' teeth are set on edge." (Jeremiah 31)
God sent a prophet to correct this idea, the gist of which was that we are all responsible for our own sin. I believe that, translated into the 12 step world, this means that we have to own our own stuff, and not blame mom and dad.
Your daughter is an emancipated adult, and would benefit by working her own program.
God sent a prophet to correct this idea, the gist of which was that we are all responsible for our own sin. I believe that, translated into the 12 step world, this means that we have to own our own stuff, and not blame mom and dad.
Your daughter is an emancipated adult, and would benefit by working her own program.
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