Karivan

Hi Everyone. I reworded my post. It doesn't say How do I avoid intimacy anymore, it says No More Intimacy!! You all helped so much that I was able to make a decison and stick with it. I had to tell you what happened last night. My A worked graveyard last night so he was home in the evening. Usually he stays in his cave (basement) until it's time for him to leave but last night he was in the bed when I went to bed. I got into bed, said goodnight, and rolled over. He tried to snuggle up and I asked him, calmly, to move over as I was trying to sleep. He gave a sort of a gasp, moved over and a few minutes later got up and left the room. He didn't say a word. I slept really good.

I have made a decision that I am not there for his pleasure and until he recognizes that he and our marriage needs help, he won't get anything from me. I have detatched as far as I can without completely moving out. And Best is right... I want the marriage to work but it has to come from him. I can't force him to AA or marriage counseling. Been there and failed that.
Thanks for all your support! This board is absolutely great for venting and having people there who understand.

Gracey

Quote: Thanks for all your support! This board is absolutely great for venting and having people there who understand.

DITTO

angelar

Karivan,
Good for you. I know that it will be difficult at times, as you have needs too, but I think it will impower you in ways that you can't imagine right now. I have told my A "no thanks, I'm in recovery" He doesn't understand, but right now he isn't pushing it. I miss being physically close to him, but it confuses me and the issues when we are.

I hope and pray he comes around, but like you said, that's his recovery.

Sex lets me believe everything is ok, when it isn't. I makes me feel wanted when I'm not. It makes me feel good for a minute, but like his drinking/using, it can make me feal lousy later if it isn't supported by a healthy relationship.

Thanks for bringing this up.

God bless,
Angela

givingup

That's exactly it. It lets me believe the everything is ok, when it isn't. It makes me feel wanted when I'm not. I can't afford to live in lala land anymore.

JennieB

Good for your Karivan!!

ChillGal

I did this too. All I can say was that it was a long time trying to get back to that point. My AH has been in recovery for over 3 years now and it was a long time before we could trust enough to have sex again. It was really hard for him because he took me not having sex as punishment. It was - for both of us.

best

Good for you Karivan

As I read over the posts and having been on the recieving end of this subject...
Communicate. He may not hear what is said. He most likly will think of it as punishment but if anything is heard and sinks in it will soften things later.
Also will reafirm in your own thoughts.... You are doing what is best and why you are doing it.
Communicate softly, calmly and when he is asking is when you would have his attention to the fullest.

As able share the hows and whys. It isn't a race to get the words out.

Karivan you did well. Short and to the point. The message was heard loud and clear I am sure.