I'm an idiot!!
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
I'm an idiot!!
So stbxah texted last night and I replied with a simple you made your arrangements with the kids but he kept asking about coming round in the morning. So I simply said again you made arrangements with the kids, you told me you didn't want any contact so I assumed you didn't want to be here especially as you didn't contact me to make arrangements.
I then get a text about how it doesn't matter it's his own fault he will stick to the arrangements and how this Christmas will be difficult his first without me and the kids and his uncle. i told him that this was the life he wanted, to do what he wanted and drink. He didn't reply so I felt guilty and apologised then asked him if what he had said the last time we spoke wasn't true. He didn't reply until this morning when he said nothing has changed I'm truly sorry!!
I got so angry and sent a rant of a text how he has lied and didn't even have the decency to be honest as one day he tells me one thing then it's different the next or the decency to tell me to my face. He didn't reply last night I have just received a text this morning from him saying how he only wanted to see his kids for longer than an hour on Christmas day how he does love me but isn't in love with me and he knows now it's different and he won't contact me again and he shouldn't have contacted me in the first place as all he has done is upset me further!!
I feel so stupid I got right back on the roller coaster and I went straight back to wanting to know if what he said the last time was true. I had hoped that when he said about the first Christmas without me and it will be difficult that he was regretting his choices but no and now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out! I am such a fool
I then get a text about how it doesn't matter it's his own fault he will stick to the arrangements and how this Christmas will be difficult his first without me and the kids and his uncle. i told him that this was the life he wanted, to do what he wanted and drink. He didn't reply so I felt guilty and apologised then asked him if what he had said the last time we spoke wasn't true. He didn't reply until this morning when he said nothing has changed I'm truly sorry!!
I got so angry and sent a rant of a text how he has lied and didn't even have the decency to be honest as one day he tells me one thing then it's different the next or the decency to tell me to my face. He didn't reply last night I have just received a text this morning from him saying how he only wanted to see his kids for longer than an hour on Christmas day how he does love me but isn't in love with me and he knows now it's different and he won't contact me again and he shouldn't have contacted me in the first place as all he has done is upset me further!!
I feel so stupid I got right back on the roller coaster and I went straight back to wanting to know if what he said the last time was true. I had hoped that when he said about the first Christmas without me and it will be difficult that he was regretting his choices but no and now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out! I am such a fool
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....I am so sorry. He is an immature person, emotionally, and sees the world through the filter of his alcoholism--with all that entails. Children will often be more responsible and dependable and co-operative!
I remember that my children's father (my first husband), who was quite narcissistic would occassionally call after we were separated and I would "forget" and respond to him like a normal human. BIG MISTAKE. He would always take my natural generosity of spirit and beat me over the head with it within a few minutes of the conversation!!!!!!!!
I would be mad at myself, one more time for trusting him for even three minutes.
It is natural to "forget" --- especially in this short time period---because it is hard to realize that they don't think like we do. It takes a while to really sink in.
Butterfly, he is really pulling his maneuvers. So, what happens when we fall off the horse? We dust ourselves off and get right back on the horse. It sucks--but that is the only positive or productive option. Just get back on the horse.
I thought your initial responses to him were good, You held the fort for a good while....LOL!
Now, you will have to recalibrate your mood back to "normal". You've had a good cry and a mia culpa(sp?)....and now you must reclaim your holiday mood. Don't let him take that away. It might be a bit tattered, just now--but all is not lost!
Maybe a long walk or something to self-sooth and make yourself feel better?
Do, take care, Butterfly!
I had just gotten out of bed to let the dog out (to pee) and feed the cat---and, make a cupa...I am glad that I checked the computer !!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I remember that my children's father (my first husband), who was quite narcissistic would occassionally call after we were separated and I would "forget" and respond to him like a normal human. BIG MISTAKE. He would always take my natural generosity of spirit and beat me over the head with it within a few minutes of the conversation!!!!!!!!
I would be mad at myself, one more time for trusting him for even three minutes.
It is natural to "forget" --- especially in this short time period---because it is hard to realize that they don't think like we do. It takes a while to really sink in.
Butterfly, he is really pulling his maneuvers. So, what happens when we fall off the horse? We dust ourselves off and get right back on the horse. It sucks--but that is the only positive or productive option. Just get back on the horse.
I thought your initial responses to him were good, You held the fort for a good while....LOL!
Now, you will have to recalibrate your mood back to "normal". You've had a good cry and a mia culpa(sp?)....and now you must reclaim your holiday mood. Don't let him take that away. It might be a bit tattered, just now--but all is not lost!
Maybe a long walk or something to self-sooth and make yourself feel better?
Do, take care, Butterfly!
I had just gotten out of bed to let the dog out (to pee) and feed the cat---and, make a cupa...I am glad that I checked the computer !!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly.....I am so sorry. He is an immature person, emotionally, and sees the world through the filter of his alcoholism--with all that entails. Children will often be more responsible and dependable and co-operative!
I remember that my children's father (my first husband), who was quite narcissistic would occassionally call after we were separated and I would "forget" and respond to him like a normal human. BIG MISTAKE. He would always take my natural generosity of spirit and beat me over the head with it within a few minutes of the conversation!!!!!!!!
I would be mad at myself, one more time for trusting him for even three minutes.
It is natural to "forget" --- especially in this short time period---because it is hard to realize that they don't think like we do. It takes a while to really sink in.
Butterfly, he is really pulling his maneuvers. So, what happens when we fall off the horse? We dust ourselves off and get right back on the horse. It sucks--but that is the only positive or productive option. Just get back on the horse.
I thought your initial responses to him were good, You held the fort for a good while....LOL!
Now, you will have to recalibrate your mood back to "normal". You've had a good cry and a mia culpa(sp?)....and now you must reclaim your holiday mood. Don't let him take that away. It might be a bit tattered, just now--but all is not lost!
Maybe a long walk or something to self-sooth and make yourself feel better?
Do, take care, Butterfly!
I had just gotten out of bed to let the dog out (to pee) and feed the cat---and, make a cupa...I am glad that I checked the computer !!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
I remember that my children's father (my first husband), who was quite narcissistic would occassionally call after we were separated and I would "forget" and respond to him like a normal human. BIG MISTAKE. He would always take my natural generosity of spirit and beat me over the head with it within a few minutes of the conversation!!!!!!!!
I would be mad at myself, one more time for trusting him for even three minutes.
It is natural to "forget" --- especially in this short time period---because it is hard to realize that they don't think like we do. It takes a while to really sink in.
Butterfly, he is really pulling his maneuvers. So, what happens when we fall off the horse? We dust ourselves off and get right back on the horse. It sucks--but that is the only positive or productive option. Just get back on the horse.
I thought your initial responses to him were good, You held the fort for a good while....LOL!
Now, you will have to recalibrate your mood back to "normal". You've had a good cry and a mia culpa(sp?)....and now you must reclaim your holiday mood. Don't let him take that away. It might be a bit tattered, just now--but all is not lost!
Maybe a long walk or something to self-sooth and make yourself feel better?
Do, take care, Butterfly!
I had just gotten out of bed to let the dog out (to pee) and feed the cat---and, make a cupa...I am glad that I checked the computer !!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Butterfly, what can you do next time not to get sucked in? Because it puts you back months in your recovery and gets you nowhere.
Keep it in mind when he next makes contact. Have your plan and stick to it. You'll be so much better for it.
Happy Christmas tomorrow. I hope you'll reflect on how far you've come since last time rather than what you've lost.
Keep it in mind when he next makes contact. Have your plan and stick to it. You'll be so much better for it.
Happy Christmas tomorrow. I hope you'll reflect on how far you've come since last time rather than what you've lost.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Butterfly 
As folks say around here: No new contact = no new hurts
I learned a long time ago with my ex-husband--talk is cheap. He would talk about getting marriage counseling, but would never show up, or would cancel the appointments before I arrived without telling me. My ex showed me by his actions that he did not want to work at our marriage....his words meant nothing.
It's Christmas Eve, and I hope that you and your little ones have fun today baking and watching Christmas shows!!!! Hug those kiddos tight and enjoy your day--Merry Christmas!!
As folks say around here: No new contact = no new hurts
I learned a long time ago with my ex-husband--talk is cheap. He would talk about getting marriage counseling, but would never show up, or would cancel the appointments before I arrived without telling me. My ex showed me by his actions that he did not want to work at our marriage....his words meant nothing.
It's Christmas Eve, and I hope that you and your little ones have fun today baking and watching Christmas shows!!!! Hug those kiddos tight and enjoy your day--Merry Christmas!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Don't be so hard on yourself. As you said, he's chosen to continue drinking and you can't be a part of that anymore. Remember the peace you've had in your home since he's been gone. Try to enjoy Christmas with your children and get joy out of that.
I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Wishing you much love and a happy holiday. xo
I'm sorry. I know it hurts. Wishing you much love and a happy holiday. xo
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Sustained periods of No Contact are the one thing I have noticed throughout your postings that seem to bring you much-needed peace and a clearer view of the situation.
Block him or even get a new number for the New Year Butterfly.
He cannot be trusted and I honestly don't have confidence that he will indeed respect No Contact from his end when drinking. He can email you if there are things to discuss about the children, etc.
Time to take full control of the situation for yourself. You have tried and tried to help him and given him chance after chance. He really is choosing drink over his family, and that is his loss.
It is good you had a solid cry and now it is time to put yourself and your kids first and to begin some new Christmas traditions and to embrace your life as it is now fully and with joy.
Your home is peaceful and you and your kids are safe and healthy.
There are many blessings to be thankful for--
Knowing for certain is a kind of strength even if difficult.
I do wish you the joy of the season and a better and happier New Year.
Block him or even get a new number for the New Year Butterfly.
He cannot be trusted and I honestly don't have confidence that he will indeed respect No Contact from his end when drinking. He can email you if there are things to discuss about the children, etc.
Time to take full control of the situation for yourself. You have tried and tried to help him and given him chance after chance. He really is choosing drink over his family, and that is his loss.
It is good you had a solid cry and now it is time to put yourself and your kids first and to begin some new Christmas traditions and to embrace your life as it is now fully and with joy.
Your home is peaceful and you and your kids are safe and healthy.
There are many blessings to be thankful for--
Knowing for certain is a kind of strength even if difficult.
I do wish you the joy of the season and a better and happier New Year.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Butterfly, so sorry you are feeling down. Just jump back off that roller coaster and start over. That's the good thing about that crazy ride we can always jump off! Take some time for yourself and enjoy the little ones. I wish you a Merry Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 73
Hi butterfly... Sorry to hear you are struggling. From experience no contact at all is the best. I have young children... 5 and 7 and have blocked my ex for over a year. He cannot and I mean cannot contact me. Randomly he has text via different numbers and then like you I wanted answers... Something I never got till recently. But the contact truly hurt and set me back. No contact is bliss.... I am moving on. He will remain blocked on my phone forever. Any texts from him off new numbers are abusive telling me to F off and he hopes I die. What? All because I caught him cheating and he chose drink over his family. I have had texts asking me to be civil for sake of children.... Hell will I ever and I mean not ever. He will be blocked in my phone for life as he is an alcoholic, narcistic and contact gives him power, something I am not prepared to do.
From what I have read your children are grown up adults? They are capable of making contact with their father themselves. You do not need to be in the picture. Being in the picture hurts. Try to vow to yourself that you will not have any contact with ur ex again. It hurts I know but time heals. My ex no doubt will be having a family Xmas with the woman he cheated on me (and his recent ex with) and her x 3 kids. Me.... All on my own but that beats being with an alcoholic. I am in a better place now.... Much better and I know you will be in the future.
From what I have read your children are grown up adults? They are capable of making contact with their father themselves. You do not need to be in the picture. Being in the picture hurts. Try to vow to yourself that you will not have any contact with ur ex again. It hurts I know but time heals. My ex no doubt will be having a family Xmas with the woman he cheated on me (and his recent ex with) and her x 3 kids. Me.... All on my own but that beats being with an alcoholic. I am in a better place now.... Much better and I know you will be in the future.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Step away from the crazy train Butterfly. Just because he contacts you does not mean you need to engage. Chalk it up to seeing what happens when you do, and move forward with your own holiday plans.
XXX
XXX
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks everyone. This is the first chance I've had to post again as I have kept myself busy I've baked that much today we will be eating desserts for weeks lol.
Dandylion, I'm not great with understanding what the manoeuvres are, it was only the other day when I was reading other posts and the comments on one was saying how when the A asked if it was ok to have a drink it was manipulation. I didn't know that, mine said it all the time. Still trying to understand what was manipulation!!
Feeling great, next time I won't reply, I did try to keep it to the arrangements he made without discussing with me but I didn't keep it up, I started to feel bad for him on his own at Christmas, I'm here with my kids then I realised actually you chose this life this was what you wanted and you only arranged to spend an hour with the kids tomorrow, surely if you wanted to spend more time with them you would have spoken about it to them!!
Hawkeye, I have blocked his number before but always lift it when DS is staying with him in case of emergency, not that he stays that often. Yes I have recognised that I am so much better when I have no contact with him I am calmer and think more clearly about me and my kids and what's best for us.
Lifeishard I'm sorry your going through so much it really is hard. My DD is an adult but my DS is 16 and they do organise their own contact with him and they let me know but there are things we need to talk about when it comes to them but we don't. He's organised DS work experience and I know nothing about it and DS doesntknow much either, that's even if he's organised it at all!! I've had no contact for nearly 7 weeks and for the first time it wasn't me that broke it but I did respond but tried to keep it to the arrangements he had made with the kids. I won't be responding to him again it's more manipulation from him and I fall for it and end up suffering.
Thank you seren, suncatcher, readerbaby and hopeful, I am off the crazy train, spent a bit of time crying this am then got myself together, I've had a nice day with my kids and I'm now just about to bring their presents down for the morning feeling a lot more relaxed. I just wish I didn't have to start all over again with no contact tomorrow will be day 1 again!!
Dandylion, I'm not great with understanding what the manoeuvres are, it was only the other day when I was reading other posts and the comments on one was saying how when the A asked if it was ok to have a drink it was manipulation. I didn't know that, mine said it all the time. Still trying to understand what was manipulation!!
Feeling great, next time I won't reply, I did try to keep it to the arrangements he made without discussing with me but I didn't keep it up, I started to feel bad for him on his own at Christmas, I'm here with my kids then I realised actually you chose this life this was what you wanted and you only arranged to spend an hour with the kids tomorrow, surely if you wanted to spend more time with them you would have spoken about it to them!!
Hawkeye, I have blocked his number before but always lift it when DS is staying with him in case of emergency, not that he stays that often. Yes I have recognised that I am so much better when I have no contact with him I am calmer and think more clearly about me and my kids and what's best for us.
Lifeishard I'm sorry your going through so much it really is hard. My DD is an adult but my DS is 16 and they do organise their own contact with him and they let me know but there are things we need to talk about when it comes to them but we don't. He's organised DS work experience and I know nothing about it and DS doesntknow much either, that's even if he's organised it at all!! I've had no contact for nearly 7 weeks and for the first time it wasn't me that broke it but I did respond but tried to keep it to the arrangements he had made with the kids. I won't be responding to him again it's more manipulation from him and I fall for it and end up suffering.
Thank you seren, suncatcher, readerbaby and hopeful, I am off the crazy train, spent a bit of time crying this am then got myself together, I've had a nice day with my kids and I'm now just about to bring their presents down for the morning feeling a lot more relaxed. I just wish I didn't have to start all over again with no contact tomorrow will be day 1 again!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Great job of bouncing back quickly! And I hope you feel that you're among friends here (we've all been idiots at one point or another -- or at least I have; I can very much relate to your reaction).
I hope the rest of your Christmas holiday is peaceful! (((hugs)))
I hope the rest of your Christmas holiday is peaceful! (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
It's really helping me to read this, we are having our first Christmas without my ex & he is in touch constantly about our kids (ages 6&7). What is this 'no contact' thing? Sounds like such a good idea but so hard to manage with small children? I have only just recovered from his tantrum that he threw when he discovered I had defriended him on facebook & I keep getting alternately angry and then self pitying texts from him about how it's Christmas & he misses the kids & why am I 'twisting the knife'? (Am really trying hard to be pleasant & neutral so no idea what he's on about!). He cheated on me with my friend & won't stop drinking so I have to keep reminding myself this is his own doing! Very impressed with how quick you have pulled yourself together, hope it turns out to be a lovely Christmas for you. I am only aiming for 'ok', might get there yet! 😉 X
Baby Steps
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Thanks Hawkeye so far it's going better than I expected I honestly thought I'd be in tears, but I'm not and the kids have really helped, I am so fortunate!! It was really strange him not being here and waiting out the front to collect them but I managed and didn't fall apart!!
Feelinggreat, we got stuck into them last night but too early to start today lol, won't be long though. Christmas is the time to eat plenty of yummy food so enjoy worry about a diet latter christmas ��.
DavinaD, trust me it's taken me a long time to get to this point and I am very very early in my recovery, I was surprised myself at how quickly I pulled myself together yesterday and it's the first time I've ever done that usually I fall apart for days and constantly text him for answers, yes I asked questions I shouldn't have but I didn't keep on!! No contact is just that no contact and I appreciate how difficult it is with young children, mine are a lot older. I have been told and read on here many times that when you have small children you maintain only contact about them ie contact arrangements or emergencies everything else you ignore, or you could block his number and only communicate via email about the kids arrangements. I don't know if he will abide by that but then you might have to consider blocking his no and only texting or ringing in an emergency!! I have struggled with no contact and we have been separated 9 months, this time nearly 7 weeks was the longest I've ever gone, usually I break it but I have finally got it, no contact means no further pain and more focus on me and my kids, I am calmer and more relaxed. Yes I'm still very hurt but in the last 6/7 weeks I've actually been able to think about my feelings which have been buried for so long as my focus was on him, what I want and not how he feels and what's going on in his head. My A doesn't want to stop drinking that's his choice my choice is I no longer want that chaos that addiction brings for me or my kids anymore, that took me a long time to understand I thought if I can fix him we will be ok but thats not how it works I have to fix myself his recovery is his!!
I am so sorry you are going through this right now but I can promise it does get easier. Have you sought legal advise or considered an order where he can't contact you given he is being abusive. Mine isn't abusive just very manipulative which I am also only starting to see. Life is so much clearer with no contact and eventually it could be for you.
Tight hugs and enjoy today with your kids.
Feelinggreat, we got stuck into them last night but too early to start today lol, won't be long though. Christmas is the time to eat plenty of yummy food so enjoy worry about a diet latter christmas ��.
DavinaD, trust me it's taken me a long time to get to this point and I am very very early in my recovery, I was surprised myself at how quickly I pulled myself together yesterday and it's the first time I've ever done that usually I fall apart for days and constantly text him for answers, yes I asked questions I shouldn't have but I didn't keep on!! No contact is just that no contact and I appreciate how difficult it is with young children, mine are a lot older. I have been told and read on here many times that when you have small children you maintain only contact about them ie contact arrangements or emergencies everything else you ignore, or you could block his number and only communicate via email about the kids arrangements. I don't know if he will abide by that but then you might have to consider blocking his no and only texting or ringing in an emergency!! I have struggled with no contact and we have been separated 9 months, this time nearly 7 weeks was the longest I've ever gone, usually I break it but I have finally got it, no contact means no further pain and more focus on me and my kids, I am calmer and more relaxed. Yes I'm still very hurt but in the last 6/7 weeks I've actually been able to think about my feelings which have been buried for so long as my focus was on him, what I want and not how he feels and what's going on in his head. My A doesn't want to stop drinking that's his choice my choice is I no longer want that chaos that addiction brings for me or my kids anymore, that took me a long time to understand I thought if I can fix him we will be ok but thats not how it works I have to fix myself his recovery is his!!
I am so sorry you are going through this right now but I can promise it does get easier. Have you sought legal advise or considered an order where he can't contact you given he is being abusive. Mine isn't abusive just very manipulative which I am also only starting to see. Life is so much clearer with no contact and eventually it could be for you.
Tight hugs and enjoy today with your kids.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
