Tums

M in early sobriety, day 29!! Things are going well, trying to balance my needs & responsibilities while exploring the first steps of AA.
However I am being driven to distraction. My best friend, 30+ years now, since we were 13 is also an alcoholic. He is physically addicted to alcohol, unemployed, has trouble walking, hermit and is regularly physically abused in his relationship with another alcoholic.
I find that a huge amount of my day is taken up with obsessing about his problems. I know I'm definitely codependent. I put a lot of pressure on him to improve his situation, which he is completely against.
I am , and have for a long time been wanting to end the friendship, or at least put a very major freeze on it. I do worry that it is the dominating worry of my new sobriety.
However due to the advanced nature of his disease I know I am now his only friend.
Really dont know what to do and would love some advice.

IOAA2

Hi Tums and congratulations on your sober time.
My advise is to try to distance yourself from the situation, you have a lot on your plat staying sober. We canNOT get anyone else sober they need the desire to do it themselves. I know it’s cold but in conversation he may pick up on something you say or do that gets his attention.

I also strongly suggest you going to Al Anon meetings in your area. It’s for people with relationships with addiction problems. You may hear things you don’t like but they are on target. Also on this forum is a section called Friends and family which also has excellent info and help.

BE WELL

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Tums!!

When I got Sober I had to focus on my own journey and nothing else, I didn't have the energy to fight addiction on two fronts or for someone else, it was myself first and take things from there.

I don't think there is anything wrong in focusing on yourself, your friend has other tools available, he could even join SR and he wouldn't be short of support.

Soberwolf

Well done on day 29 Tums as much as your heart cares it is up to your friend to get sober and stay sober

You gotta focus on You for now You staying sober Your recovery ..you know ?

Hopefully by staying sober & having some distance your friend might wonder about sobriety & if He chooses to get sober wouldnt that be the best outcome

I understand you want to help & its frustrating but best thing is to focus on your own recovery

be well

passmeabeer

I think the only thing you can do is be an example. If you stay sober and reap the benefits and show him maybe he will make that decision on his own. But you cant make anyone do anything.

Dee74

Hi Tums

I've seen many well meaning newcomers to recovery trying to keep someone else afloat and both end up drowning.

If you're obsessing about this that's not a healthy thing.

I'd really think about focusing more on what you need, rather than what your friend needs.

It sounds to me like he's just not ready, man.

D

Nuudawn

Interesting that you acknowledged the codependent behaviour in all of this. By obsessing about another's problem, you take the spotlight off your own. As others have said, you really do need to focus on yourself. The obsession is just a "ruse"... a mental trick if you will to not look at you.

I remember years ago, making a joke to a girlfriend (it actually wasn't a joke at all) that I needed to find a boyfriend so that I had someone else to pick on and scrutinize as I was tired of doing it to myself.