Found something suspicious..
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
Found something suspicious..
When wrapping some presents this afternoon, I ran out of tape and was looking in my A's desk for an extra roll. I came upon a badly wrapped package in what looked like birthday wrapping paper. I was about to move it to the side when something caught me: it felt familiar. This strange thing in his desk, that I know for a fact had not been there last week, was some sort of bag containing something lightweight and kind of crumbly. I unwrapped the paper and found a clear plastic bag containing approximately an ounce of what I can only describe as powder blue cocaine. Honestly, I've never seen anything like this. I'm familiar with what cocaine looks like, having done it myself in years past, but I've never seen it be blue! The bag has a small rip in it, like someone opened it up to test it. A teeny taste test of my own revealed a strange and familiar chemical taste, and it caused the typical numbness I remember..
From there, I took a picture of the bag, and sent it to my A, saying, "I found this in your desk while looking for tape. It's open, for what it's worth. What are you doing with this?"
Side note: He is in IOP 5 days a week for 4 hours, and has been since september. He goes to AA every Sunday and Saturday on top of that. He gets drug tested twice a week with a very sensitive test that can detect if alcohol has been used in the last 48 hours. He shows all evidence of working solid program and being committed to recovery.
I am blindsided.
His answer? "Nothing, currently."
When I pressed him further, he said it was from the summer, he hid it when drunk, and just now found it. I asked why he didn't just throw it out, and he said because it is worth a lot of money. Uh...? What?
I told him I didn't care how much money he spent on it, if he was serious about his recovery, he would have just thrown it out. I also told him that I called the director of his program to talk about it, but haven't received a call back. And that I thought he absolutely needed to speak to him about why he doesn't want to just flush this stuff and move on. He said, "it's safer with me than with you."
Are you kidding me????
I don't do any drug anymore. At all. Not in years.
Our conversation ended at that. I'm just... I'm baffled.
What do I do? I'm not bothering to throw it away (he will get more if he wants more) or try to control his actions otherwise. I set a boundary that if he relapses, I am leaving. So... What now? He (allegedly) hasn't relapsed, but is hiding a huge amount of some strange drug in our home. I guess the answer is to say, " I cannot tolerate having drugs in our home. If you insist on keeping them here, I will have to leave." And I feel confident I can stand by that. But, honestly, what the hell? Where did these even come from? What on earth is that stuff?!?
What the F is with that logic to holding onto it. A quack if I ever heard one, no?
Help!
From there, I took a picture of the bag, and sent it to my A, saying, "I found this in your desk while looking for tape. It's open, for what it's worth. What are you doing with this?"
Side note: He is in IOP 5 days a week for 4 hours, and has been since september. He goes to AA every Sunday and Saturday on top of that. He gets drug tested twice a week with a very sensitive test that can detect if alcohol has been used in the last 48 hours. He shows all evidence of working solid program and being committed to recovery.
I am blindsided.
His answer? "Nothing, currently."
When I pressed him further, he said it was from the summer, he hid it when drunk, and just now found it. I asked why he didn't just throw it out, and he said because it is worth a lot of money. Uh...? What?
I told him I didn't care how much money he spent on it, if he was serious about his recovery, he would have just thrown it out. I also told him that I called the director of his program to talk about it, but haven't received a call back. And that I thought he absolutely needed to speak to him about why he doesn't want to just flush this stuff and move on. He said, "it's safer with me than with you."
Are you kidding me????
I don't do any drug anymore. At all. Not in years.Our conversation ended at that. I'm just... I'm baffled.
What do I do? I'm not bothering to throw it away (he will get more if he wants more) or try to control his actions otherwise. I set a boundary that if he relapses, I am leaving. So... What now? He (allegedly) hasn't relapsed, but is hiding a huge amount of some strange drug in our home. I guess the answer is to say, " I cannot tolerate having drugs in our home. If you insist on keeping them here, I will have to leave." And I feel confident I can stand by that. But, honestly, what the hell? Where did these even come from? What on earth is that stuff?!?
What the F is with that logic to holding onto it. A quack if I ever heard one, no?Help!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sayville, NY
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I tried many times to quit cigarettes, and I always had a pack in the glove compartment. When chastised for it, my answer was always "because it makes me feel better to know they're there."
But here I am, still smoking.
I'm not saying he's using now, but if it's nearby, it's just a relapse waiting to happen.
But here I am, still smoking.
I'm not saying he's using now, but if it's nearby, it's just a relapse waiting to happen.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 154
That's what I'm thinking. If you hang around at a barber shop long enough, you're gonna get a hair cut.
It's obvious it's just a matter of time. It's his insistence on keeping it because he can't fathom throwing away something so expensive that just digs at me. It would be a no brainer for anyone who is never, ever wants to drink or use again. Why keep the temptation around? We don't keep wine in the house, but we now have a criminal amount of narcotics?
It's obvious it's just a matter of time. It's his insistence on keeping it because he can't fathom throwing away something so expensive that just digs at me. It would be a no brainer for anyone who is never, ever wants to drink or use again. Why keep the temptation around? We don't keep wine in the house, but we now have a criminal amount of narcotics?
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sayville, NY
Posts: 9
Sadly, it sounds like the addiction is clouding his logic. He can't think of a real reason to keep it, so he's trying to rationalize it any way he can.
Can he at least admit to seeing where you're coming from? About how it must look to you?
That he got defensive and tried to turn the focus onto your past addiction surely means that, on some level, he knows, right?
Can he at least admit to seeing where you're coming from? About how it must look to you?
That he got defensive and tried to turn the focus onto your past addiction surely means that, on some level, he knows, right?
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He must be deflecting. I never had a full blown addiction to cocaine, but I would be remiss if I didn't say that the substance is inherently addictive. I primarily used it as a means to foster my eating disorder (I suffered badly from anorexia for a number of years) , but stopped cold turkey a few years back once I recovered from my ED, with no cravings or urges to use. But, yes, it did feel like a dig on me when he said that.
Maybe I should say that, for my own sake, I need him to get rid of it. That would be an exaggeration, though. Maybe a clear boundary would be better?
No drugs in the house, period.
He said he would talk to his director. But... He said it in the cocky sort of addict-way that made me cringe. Like, "obviously, I'm right. It's not a big deal. Duh." kind of way. Luckily for both of us, the director of his program is a no-nonsense kinda guy who will set him straight or threaten to kick him out for non-compliance.
Ugh. So frustrated. It's so obviously a problem.
Maybe I should say that, for my own sake, I need him to get rid of it. That would be an exaggeration, though. Maybe a clear boundary would be better?
No drugs in the house, period.
He said he would talk to his director. But... He said it in the cocky sort of addict-way that made me cringe. Like, "obviously, I'm right. It's not a big deal. Duh." kind of way. Luckily for both of us, the director of his program is a no-nonsense kinda guy who will set him straight or threaten to kick him out for non-compliance.
Ugh. So frustrated. It's so obviously a problem.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Sayville, NY
Posts: 9
Hmmm...
It's a difficult situation. Saying that it's just for your sake might just make him think it's okay to pick a different poison.
Honestly, I'd just go with the "no drugs allowed" rule. It might take longer to get the stuff out of the house, but it's the safer choice in the long run.
His director would probably be a great person to ask for advice, since he's much more familiar with your situation.
It's a difficult situation. Saying that it's just for your sake might just make him think it's okay to pick a different poison.
Honestly, I'd just go with the "no drugs allowed" rule. It might take longer to get the stuff out of the house, but it's the safer choice in the long run.
His director would probably be a great person to ask for advice, since he's much more familiar with your situation.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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This is all very suspicious to me. Not only because of finding it, but because of his attitude about it. He is being manipulative by saying it's safer with him. Um...what? I would be very cautious and if you really mean if he uses again you are done, get your plan in place.
I am sorry. Tight hugs.
I am sorry. Tight hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
RED FLAGS FLYING
His having it, hiding it, and his response / attitude when you confronted him all not good in my opinion.
Addicts don't need to keep drugs for any reason.
End of story.
Sorry you had to deal with not only finding it, but his deflective BS when confronted.
His having it, hiding it, and his response / attitude when you confronted him all not good in my opinion.
Addicts don't need to keep drugs for any reason.
End of story.
Sorry you had to deal with not only finding it, but his deflective BS when confronted.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Jenibean87.....looking at the "big picture"....he has been in the intensive outpatient for 3-4 months. It does sound pretty intensive and it is very positive that he is doing this, I think.
Just like for alcoholism....it takes a while (longer than 3-4 months..more like one to two years) to make large inroads to stopping the alcoholic THINKING. The thinking has to change--which changes the feelings and attitudes--which finally changes the actions. Just abstaining is only the first step--although a necessary one.
It sounds to me like he is still thinking like an addict and still retaining some addict thinking and behaviors. I am not really surprised, as he is very early in his recovery.
(addicts always want to have a "stash" somewhere. It is engrained habit).
I am glad that this has come out in the open, though! And, that the two of you are dealing with it--head on. Perhaps this will be very informative to him--and a challenge that he will rise to.
What I am saying is: Don't do a total freak-out, just yet. Maybe, this is just a bleep along the way. All is not, yet, lost. True recovery takes a good while with lots of struggle along the way (for both parties).
Just trying to add a bit of perspective....
(and don't taste any more unknown substances...LOL!).
dandylion
Just like for alcoholism....it takes a while (longer than 3-4 months..more like one to two years) to make large inroads to stopping the alcoholic THINKING. The thinking has to change--which changes the feelings and attitudes--which finally changes the actions. Just abstaining is only the first step--although a necessary one.
It sounds to me like he is still thinking like an addict and still retaining some addict thinking and behaviors. I am not really surprised, as he is very early in his recovery.
(addicts always want to have a "stash" somewhere. It is engrained habit).
I am glad that this has come out in the open, though! And, that the two of you are dealing with it--head on. Perhaps this will be very informative to him--and a challenge that he will rise to.
What I am saying is: Don't do a total freak-out, just yet. Maybe, this is just a bleep along the way. All is not, yet, lost. True recovery takes a good while with lots of struggle along the way (for both parties).
Just trying to add a bit of perspective....
(and don't taste any more unknown substances...LOL!).
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I never did grasp the concept of keeping a stash!? at least not with dope. that stuff would just scream at me.....yoo hoo, over here, hiding in the sock drawer, come onnnnn, you know you want it! hank used to drive me nuts...after the last hit i'd think oh thank god it's finally DONE and then he'd whip out the rest and off we'd go again. for years after we quit I lived in fear of finding that one stash he was too f'd up to remember - well at first I HOPED i'd find it.........i'd carefully ransack the house. I guess my point is - addicts who have no intention of ever using again don't keep drugs around just in case.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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But, yes, it did feel like a dig on me when he said that.
You can decide whether or not to call his bluff, but rehab or no rehab, holding onto a stash is bad for recovery. Are you sure he's not putting in his time in rehab so you and whoever else will back off?
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
My only concern, in reading your post, Jenibean87, is that this substance is in your home.
...and of course it's safer with him than with you; he'd keep it safe for possible further use, but you.....? ...you'd probably flush it.
(o:
NoelleR
...and of course it's safer with him than with you; he'd keep it safe for possible further use, but you.....? ...you'd probably flush it.
(o:
NoelleR
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addicts who have no intention of ever using again don't keep drugs around just in case.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I was thinking crystal meth too. sometimes they get this stuff, forget they have it, and then you find it at a time when they are trying to stop doing it all, and still- they make a dumb comment. lol...
his answers have nothing to do with where he is going or where he is at. He is being a typical addict pulling and poking at you. if he throws up a holy fight as you try to throw it away, then thats another issue. if not, then i'd say he just forgot he had it.
his answers have nothing to do with where he is going or where he is at. He is being a typical addict pulling and poking at you. if he throws up a holy fight as you try to throw it away, then thats another issue. if not, then i'd say he just forgot he had it.
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