Peace without FOO drama for Holidays
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Peace without FOO drama for Holidays
Similar to thanksgiving, I have not received invites to my FOO's large gatherings for the holidays.
It is something that has far more pros and cons for me. I actually appreciate the feeling of serenity and peace in avoiding any drama.
1. I do not have to deal with the dishonest and fake statements towards myself and my wife in a holiday gathering. My boundaries have been disrespected and behavior shows they would rather forget it, not see it, and let things continue to run their course untouched. I am to be silent. I cannot express enough how uncomfortable and unsafe the situation feels. I am invisible, I am abandoned, and I am underappreciated. Terrible feeling.
2. Instead, I find friends to spend time with (our thanksgiving potlucks were great! full of friendship, respect, love - just what I wanted), or enjoy some personal time with my wife (and have lovely friendly conversations with my parents in-law).
3. A part of me might feel sad that I'm not invited, but another part is grateful. It is drama that I'm not interested in. Ignoring the elephant in the room...nope...not my thing.
4. I get to define my own sense of the holidays. My mother once said, "we have a hierarchy" - yuck...no thanks. I like the philosophy of the knights of the round table where "all are considered equals" MUCH better, thanks.
5. I get to define what my family is - the friends that are there for me. The sense of belonging I feel in my Al-Anon and AA groups. There is much more love and acceptance to find in the wild world out there. And when I go looking for it out there instead of in my FOO, I find possibly more than I can handle! It is truly a weird feeling to have people saying to me the COMPLETE opposite of what my FOO will tell me.
I'm not lazy -- it's, "I'm so glad I work with you. You seem so dedicated."
I'm not stubborn -- it's, "thotful, you are so open-minded."
I actually do have friends -- "I am glad you are my friend."
My sobriety is actually a good thing -- "Hey, thanks for sharing your story, it's helping me recover. Just wanted to let you know."
I will try to seek out the love and acceptance that I so desperately need.
Of course, now that I write that, I will remind myself that it should BEGIN WITH ME. I need to work on providing myself as much love and acceptance as I can. The better I am at doing that, I will easily seek and find it outside of myself. My inner child needs some love from me. I will do better little buddy.
Take care of yourselves this holiday season. Define family for yourself and what it is you want to do with your time, your traditions, etc. If it's with your FOO, great. If it's with some trusted friends (who have become like family), that's great too.
Wishing you all some serenity and peace for the holidays!
It is something that has far more pros and cons for me. I actually appreciate the feeling of serenity and peace in avoiding any drama.
1. I do not have to deal with the dishonest and fake statements towards myself and my wife in a holiday gathering. My boundaries have been disrespected and behavior shows they would rather forget it, not see it, and let things continue to run their course untouched. I am to be silent. I cannot express enough how uncomfortable and unsafe the situation feels. I am invisible, I am abandoned, and I am underappreciated. Terrible feeling.
2. Instead, I find friends to spend time with (our thanksgiving potlucks were great! full of friendship, respect, love - just what I wanted), or enjoy some personal time with my wife (and have lovely friendly conversations with my parents in-law).
3. A part of me might feel sad that I'm not invited, but another part is grateful. It is drama that I'm not interested in. Ignoring the elephant in the room...nope...not my thing.
4. I get to define my own sense of the holidays. My mother once said, "we have a hierarchy" - yuck...no thanks. I like the philosophy of the knights of the round table where "all are considered equals" MUCH better, thanks.
5. I get to define what my family is - the friends that are there for me. The sense of belonging I feel in my Al-Anon and AA groups. There is much more love and acceptance to find in the wild world out there. And when I go looking for it out there instead of in my FOO, I find possibly more than I can handle! It is truly a weird feeling to have people saying to me the COMPLETE opposite of what my FOO will tell me.
I'm not lazy -- it's, "I'm so glad I work with you. You seem so dedicated."
I'm not stubborn -- it's, "thotful, you are so open-minded."
I actually do have friends -- "I am glad you are my friend."
My sobriety is actually a good thing -- "Hey, thanks for sharing your story, it's helping me recover. Just wanted to let you know."
I will try to seek out the love and acceptance that I so desperately need.
Of course, now that I write that, I will remind myself that it should BEGIN WITH ME. I need to work on providing myself as much love and acceptance as I can. The better I am at doing that, I will easily seek and find it outside of myself. My inner child needs some love from me. I will do better little buddy.
Take care of yourselves this holiday season. Define family for yourself and what it is you want to do with your time, your traditions, etc. If it's with your FOO, great. If it's with some trusted friends (who have become like family), that's great too.
Wishing you all some serenity and peace for the holidays!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I'm right with you, the holiday I was uninvited at first I was hurt then I realized the worst I was feeling was guilt at being relieved. Relieved at not having to go through the motions and instead able to spend a holiday with my real family. My friends call my FOO my relatives and they are my family. There's nothing more beautiful and reassuring than when you create such a beautiful support system in yourself and loving people around you. Congrats!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
thotful...what a wonderful post...I was uninvited last year and it was very very hard...but having gone through that...I finally realized that it was freeing to not have the 'sacred cow' of thanksgiving/and or christmas to fit into...even though I have changed for the better.
still have a ways to go in building my own support group again...but it will come with time and healthier.
wishing you a wonderful holiday season with those who want to be with you...family of choice.
still have a ways to go in building my own support group again...but it will come with time and healthier.
wishing you a wonderful holiday season with those who want to be with you...family of choice.
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