Being Honest
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 21
Being Honest
For the first time in forever- ok my whole relationship- I am being honest to other people about my AH's drinking and it feels amazing- like a weight has been lifted.
This weekend was his parents' Christmas. We were supposed to be at their house by 4pm Friday- it's a 5 hour drive. Thursday night my AH went out, got wasted and lost his brand new iPhone. He came home and was made at me, the world, everyone. Since he couldn't magically get a new phone he went and passed out. Nothing was ready for he trip since we both had worked all week. I did not do anything. I played with my daughter and then went to bed. We ended up not leaving until 1pm on Friday. I explained to his mom what had happened.
She was upset at him. I explained to her the extent of his drinking? His aggression toward our child and his drunk driving in detail. She said well I have been told he has had a problem but I was hoping u could control it. Um no- not my job!!! I told her that and that my job was protecting my child. She at least agreed to that.
It was so freeing to be honest and not take the blame- for once!! Loved it.
Of course he did not drink all weekend and told me he would not drink the rest of the year for my xmas gift. I told him that did not help me in 2015!!
This weekend was his parents' Christmas. We were supposed to be at their house by 4pm Friday- it's a 5 hour drive. Thursday night my AH went out, got wasted and lost his brand new iPhone. He came home and was made at me, the world, everyone. Since he couldn't magically get a new phone he went and passed out. Nothing was ready for he trip since we both had worked all week. I did not do anything. I played with my daughter and then went to bed. We ended up not leaving until 1pm on Friday. I explained to his mom what had happened.
She was upset at him. I explained to her the extent of his drinking? His aggression toward our child and his drunk driving in detail. She said well I have been told he has had a problem but I was hoping u could control it. Um no- not my job!!! I told her that and that my job was protecting my child. She at least agreed to that.
It was so freeing to be honest and not take the blame- for once!! Loved it.
Of course he did not drink all weekend and told me he would not drink the rest of the year for my xmas gift. I told him that did not help me in 2015!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
I'm glad you were able to find some relief 
I remember feeling that same feeling of relief when I shared what was going on with AH's mom and dad and step-mom. That was before I found SR or Al-Anon, and before I had shared much with anyone else in my life including my own parents. It's still hard, but I am starting to open up more and more to people... But I was very thankful to his parents for being there for me and being as supportive as they were. I ended up sharing more with them than I feel I SHOULD have at that time, because they were all I had and were asking questions, and I was a huge mess and going through hell and just had to let it all out. They were great, but looking back, I should have saved some of the details for some other sets of ears.... Anyway, that's another story.
It's SUCH a huge stress to have to carry on your own.
Do you have other sources of support as well? Therapy? Al-Anon?
His mom's comment about hoping you could control his drinking makes it sound like maybe she doesn't have much knowledge of or experience with alcoholism?
I remember feeling that same feeling of relief when I shared what was going on with AH's mom and dad and step-mom. That was before I found SR or Al-Anon, and before I had shared much with anyone else in my life including my own parents. It's still hard, but I am starting to open up more and more to people... But I was very thankful to his parents for being there for me and being as supportive as they were. I ended up sharing more with them than I feel I SHOULD have at that time, because they were all I had and were asking questions, and I was a huge mess and going through hell and just had to let it all out. They were great, but looking back, I should have saved some of the details for some other sets of ears.... Anyway, that's another story.
It's SUCH a huge stress to have to carry on your own.
Do you have other sources of support as well? Therapy? Al-Anon?
His mom's comment about hoping you could control his drinking makes it sound like maybe she doesn't have much knowledge of or experience with alcoholism?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I know just how dicey this can be. I called my mate's oldest sister last summer, to ask for help with a possible intervention for him. She called him instead and told him about it.
My mother in law misses me and keeps trying to get me to come around. She already lays awake all night worrying about her family. I do not want to inadvertently say something to her about my mate's drinking that could cause her to worry, especially since my mate would have something ELSE to blame me for, and would give him yet ANOTHER "reason" to drink.
My mother in law misses me and keeps trying to get me to come around. She already lays awake all night worrying about her family. I do not want to inadvertently say something to her about my mate's drinking that could cause her to worry, especially since my mate would have something ELSE to blame me for, and would give him yet ANOTHER "reason" to drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Honesty is truly a liberating feeling. I am trying to delineate between sharing information that isn't mine to share and information that is.
At the end of each of our AL-Anon meetings, the 2nd to last statement is,
"Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."
I take this to heart. If I am sharing about my life and how it feels to have an alcoholic loved one, I try to avoid gossip and criticism. I try to reason things out and look for support. For me personally, AL-Anon is great for that, and SR too! Understanding friends, family, etc.
At the end of each of our AL-Anon meetings, the 2nd to last statement is,
"Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else, but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another. Instead, let the understanding, love and peace of the program grow in you one day at a time."
I take this to heart. If I am sharing about my life and how it feels to have an alcoholic loved one, I try to avoid gossip and criticism. I try to reason things out and look for support. For me personally, AL-Anon is great for that, and SR too! Understanding friends, family, etc.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I am seeing more and more that honesty and reasoning things out with others is a big benefit of sobriety.
I realized early in the program that I was not free to be honest with my partner. This mirrored my family of origin. In both cases, any time I tried honesty, all H*ll broke loose.
I realized early in the program that I was not free to be honest with my partner. This mirrored my family of origin. In both cases, any time I tried honesty, all H*ll broke loose.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Good for you!! I thought that being honest would make everything harder so I was shocked to find myself feeling so FREE instead. It was a pivotal point for me in my recovery...one of those baby steps that was really monumental, not tiny at all. The first direct benefit was that I started sleeping better almost immediately. My subconscious wasn't dwelling so much on all that BS, I guess.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
He said that's your Christmas gift...lol....Alcoholism, the gift that keeps on giving! O my...I can just imagine my AH saying something stupid like that.
Im so happy for your that you have spoke and found it freeing...yay!!! I remember when I told the first close people to me and it was so liberating! Good for you!
I hope your Christmas is great!
Im so happy for your that you have spoke and found it freeing...yay!!! I remember when I told the first close people to me and it was so liberating! Good for you!
I hope your Christmas is great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
Good for you on calling BS on being able to control it.
Alcoholism
We can't control it
We can't cure it
We didn't cause it
Recovery is in the hands of the addict. I'm willing to bet that 99% of the time, they have to ask for help and not try to do it alone.
Alcoholism
We can't control it
We can't cure it
We didn't cause it
Recovery is in the hands of the addict. I'm willing to bet that 99% of the time, they have to ask for help and not try to do it alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 21
Thank you for the support!
Sadly both his step father and uncle (mom's brother) are members of AA. His mother is just a delusional perfectionist. Sadly.
I am looking to join an Al Anon meeting soon. At the moment it is the logistics of what to do with my 3 year old when there. Hoping to find one that has day care.
And I agree on only relaying the facts and not getting emotional when talking to his family
Merry Christmas to everyone!
Sadly both his step father and uncle (mom's brother) are members of AA. His mother is just a delusional perfectionist. Sadly.
I am looking to join an Al Anon meeting soon. At the moment it is the logistics of what to do with my 3 year old when there. Hoping to find one that has day care.
And I agree on only relaying the facts and not getting emotional when talking to his family
Merry Christmas to everyone!
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