FlippedRHalo

At this point, I don't even know why I'm writing this because in all actuality, while it hurts me somewhat, I think I'm past the point of caring or being shocked anymore.

We have 2 mutual friends that are a couple. One has been a long term friend of mine, the other is more his friend, however, we were all friends. The three of them used to drink together. Now one is a recovering alcoholic.

When he and I broke up last year, he got together with these "friends" and they all bashed me to no end apparently. I found this out because my friend confessed with profuse apologies and admitted how horribly wrong she was, and not long after, my ex did the same. Tearful and so apologetic, saying that he said horrible lies and that afterwards, he felt so awful and couldn't believe he said the things he'd said. He admitted that he was angry and said things that weren't true to get our friends on his side. My friend admitted that she should have known better and she knew me better than to believe the horrible things he was saying.

Like an idiot, I forgave them. Didn't forget, but forgave.

Apparently, the same thing has happened. She's blocked me on FB. I'm now figuring out that his sad little letter about needing antidepressants to get over me and that he's going to be seeing a therapist and thanking me for always being there for him was probably guilt driven. I'm sure he went on a drunken tirade and the guilt, once he sobered up a little, was killing him.

He's a jerk. They're jerks. I mean honestly, can we be any more immature? And to think that they went along with this again...just wow. I've been there, through thick and thin, for all of them. More times than I care to count. At this point, they can all have one another because they deserve each other.

I'm looking at this like a blessing. These people needed to be removed from my life and I didn't have to do a thing. They've removed themselves. Thankfully I've always known who my true friends were and I always questioned these two particular people. Now I know.

I'm just kind of appalled that this has happened again after everything we went through the last time. I didn't want to accept the apology last year, but convinced myself that I should be the better person and that everyone makes mistakes. Fool me once and all that.

I guess it's true that alcoholics lower their standards in friends. They can all wallow in the muck together.

Now I know where the letter came from. It wasn't him thanking me for always standing by his side and it wasn't to show me he was trying to get help. It was guilt. Pure guilt. Someone replied in a post to just sit tight and that more would be revealed. Well, it was. Faster than I expected.

Trash. I can not believe that I allowed myself to become involved with such trash. I don't even think, at this point, that it's only the alcoholism. I think that this is just the person he truly is and that while we were together, he worked hard to hide this side of him. He always told me that he was the best person he'd ever been when we were together.... ha, must have been pretty tough for him to cover the true him up.

So done with the lot of them.

shil2587

Being able to forgive something like that is a strength that I envy you for. Even though they have done it again, it was good FOR YOU to let go of the anger, so please don't beat yourself up for that.

As for now, well, now you know. And now you can walk away from two alcoholics and one enabler (three for one deal, one time offer!).

Seriously though, I am really sorry you're hurting, but you can now give yourself some distance from the whole sorry mess in one go and start fresh. Maybe find a new hobby to.meet new, healthier friends at?
((((((Hugs)))))) "this too shall pass".

dandylion

Flipped....drinking buddies almost always support each other's pathology. That is the main responsibility of a drinking buddy. This forms the main crux of their relationship.

They were just doing what drinking buddies do.

dandylion

FlippedRHalo

It only hurts a little, but I should have known better, in all honesty. I'm almost grateful because it's making it easier for me to walk away from the entire bunch of them without any guilt. It has also taught me to always trust my gut instinct because even when I want it to be wrong, it never is.

Thankfully I have wonderful friends and family that have stood by me, even though it was painful for them to watch what was going on these last two years. I will never take them for granted, nor not listen to their concerns, ever again.

What a hard, but good, lesson these past few years have been. Whew!

hopeful4

It's a sad thing when we realize that things are not the way we thought, especially when you think a friend should know better.

I found out really quickly who my friends were and who they were not when I separated from my X. That was a favor to me in hindsight. Now, just know those people will figure it out all on their own too, it just takes a little time. Karma is a B.

Tight Hugs. XXX

Hangnbyathread

This right here is all you need to live by. They will ay waste to anything and everything to support their perspective.

FlippedRHalo

You're not kidding. I'm getting to see that first hand. They can lay all the waste they'd like.... far, far away from me. I don't regret being there for them when I was. I can walk away from this mess with a clear conscious. I doubt they can ever say the same.

thequest

The politics of a peer group-ick. Seen it first hand. You are not alone. I've seen it with alcohol related issues and problems. The alkie addict here simply changes his peer group when the others don't want to play. The problem now is he is the oldest in the group so he get undeserved power being the oldest. That means no one calls him out on his drinking/drugging or too much drinking.

dandylion describes it best. That's what drinking buddies are for to support each other's behavior. Sooner or later non recovering drinkers will either attempt sobriety or find or hang with friend that support their level of drinking.

The problem here is that if you look at the peer group around 20 years ago to the peer group now it is different mainly because that first peer group moved on moved away from the heavy drinking/partying lifestyle for career, family, finances etc. He is left in the dust with nothing to show for that 1/4 century at this point. His first set of peers do.

NYCDoglvr

I hope you stop calling them friends because clearly they're not.

FlippedRHalo

You're right.... sadly, at this point, I'm unsure if they ever were really friends at all.

I know I shouldn't be shocked, but after being so good to someone for so long, and doing everything in your power to be kind to them, supportive of them, kind to their family and trying to make them see that they can, and deserve to, have a better life than the road they were heading down, this is the thanks you get in the end. No good deed I guess. It just amazes me.

I was nothing except good to him. That's what I get to take away from this as he's sitting with "his" friends turning them against me. He can sit with that. I know that's where the letter came from. His guilt wrote that. I don't really even understand what he could possibly be saying to them, but I guess it doesn't really matter? He lies, he's manipulative and he's deceitful. I never did anything to hurt him except end our relationship after he clearly made the choice to continue drinking and I certainly never did a thing wrong to either of my 'ex-friends' either.

They can have the stage... I'm no longer in this sh*t show. I'm actually embarrassed for all of them. The level of immaturity is almost comical. Frighteningly enough, my ex-friend, the one that is a recovering alcoholic, is a social worker that counsels addicts. God help her clients.

thequest

To me drinking buddies are like any other click. The best example I can give is all the different groups or clicks that form at work. Among those clicks are those that go out and drink together. You also have those clicks that ignore the rules and make the job theirs for their benefit and not efficiency. If you go by the book you won't be a member of that club. If you don't go out after work to a bar you won't be a member of that club either. You do your job you get left alone by management and those clicks. Most respect that.

Stay neutral, avoid contact or do not escalate or expand contact other than dealing with the occasional bump into at a store or elsewhere.

Eauchiche

This is a happy day for you. It means you are getting well!
As we heal, old associations no longer work unless, and until they get well too.

Enjoy your sobriety!!!!