Family views my sobriety as an indictment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 297
Family views my sobriety as an indictment
My family members drink a lot. In our clan, when you turn 16, you are poured a beer and earn a seat at the grown-ups table. In reality we had all started sneaking drinks years before that. I got drunk for the first time when I was 12.
As young kids, we found the family gatherings to be boring, loud and long. Christmas dinner would stretch on into the early hours of the morning. The adults would sit around the table with their beers, cigarettes and ashtrays. They were animated, loud and laughing. They told the same stories every holiday. They made the same jokes. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to join the adult table.
This was how I learned to have fun. For me, alcohol has always walked hand-in-hand with a good time. Especially with my family. Anyone who declined to drink was labeled "boring" or "judgmental" and wouldn't be invited back. To my family, fun people drink. Only stuck-up people stay sober.
I don't really blame them. They were all raised the same way that I was. This is a tradition that likely dates back centuries on both sides of the family. I have learned to accept that I can't change them or make them view life any differently. Or at least I am always working on accepting that. Their attitude about drinking is a major trigger for me.
Whenever I mention that I am in recovery, they always take two approaches. They first get very defensive. I never make any comments on their drinking habits at all either. I am not in a place to judge them and I don't want to. I understand it. After they get defensive, they almost always reach for a drink right after too. Recently my Mom ordered a glass of wine mere seconds after she asked me about my recent withdrawals. Then she took a sip of her wine and asked me "What makes you think you're an alcoholic? I think you're just lonely."
This is the same conversation I have with pretty much everyone in my family. They then spend time trying to explain to me why I don't have a problem.
I'm in a hard spot. We grew up in a scattered, splintered family. Breaking off contact is just not something I could stomach but they are the absolute biggest trigger in my life. I accept that they have no intention to stop and I would never tell them what they should do. I'm feeling very sad right now that I can't spend time with my family because I can't be around them right now and stay sober. The holidays are making it even harder.
As young kids, we found the family gatherings to be boring, loud and long. Christmas dinner would stretch on into the early hours of the morning. The adults would sit around the table with their beers, cigarettes and ashtrays. They were animated, loud and laughing. They told the same stories every holiday. They made the same jokes. I couldn't wait until I was old enough to join the adult table.
This was how I learned to have fun. For me, alcohol has always walked hand-in-hand with a good time. Especially with my family. Anyone who declined to drink was labeled "boring" or "judgmental" and wouldn't be invited back. To my family, fun people drink. Only stuck-up people stay sober.
I don't really blame them. They were all raised the same way that I was. This is a tradition that likely dates back centuries on both sides of the family. I have learned to accept that I can't change them or make them view life any differently. Or at least I am always working on accepting that. Their attitude about drinking is a major trigger for me.
Whenever I mention that I am in recovery, they always take two approaches. They first get very defensive. I never make any comments on their drinking habits at all either. I am not in a place to judge them and I don't want to. I understand it. After they get defensive, they almost always reach for a drink right after too. Recently my Mom ordered a glass of wine mere seconds after she asked me about my recent withdrawals. Then she took a sip of her wine and asked me "What makes you think you're an alcoholic? I think you're just lonely."
This is the same conversation I have with pretty much everyone in my family. They then spend time trying to explain to me why I don't have a problem.
I'm in a hard spot. We grew up in a scattered, splintered family. Breaking off contact is just not something I could stomach but they are the absolute biggest trigger in my life. I accept that they have no intention to stop and I would never tell them what they should do. I'm feeling very sad right now that I can't spend time with my family because I can't be around them right now and stay sober. The holidays are making it even harder.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I found that the people in my life who were drinkers felt super uncomfortable around me. My presence seemed to be judgment to them even when no words were said. One even apologized that she bought a bottle of wine while we were on a shopping trip. I'm like "what???" Even though nobody had discussed drinking or alcohol on that trip, that still was on THEIR minds. Ugh. Can you just stay out of THOSE types of conversations? Ask about their dog, or their vacation. . .and when the topic comes up, say you are fine and happy, then change the topic. This isn't an issue in my family, so I know family dynamics plays a huge part. Know your SR family has your back 24/7
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow, that has to be super hard to deal with. No wonder they are triggers for you. My suggestion is to write them each a letter explaining this and asking them for their help. That you love the family fun traditions but simply cannot drink. Could they abstain around you to help you. I find that being humble and appealing to people in that way gets a lot more success.
If they refuse, you may need to give yourself some space from them until you have enough sober time that they no longer trigger you.
Good luck to you!
If they refuse, you may need to give yourself some space from them until you have enough sober time that they no longer trigger you.
Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
no way is this recommended in early sobriety
Originally Posted by DoPerdition 
I'm feeling very sad right now that I can't spend time with my family because I can't be around them right now and stay sober. The holidays are making it even harder.
I have seen many over the years that in early sobriety think that they can still hang out at the bars without taking a drink. For most in short time this proves to be a bad decision made.
It's best for us alcoholics no matter how much sober time we have to always protect ourselves. Even after 7 years without a drink there are many places that I just will not go to.
Why test my sobriety ?
In time most all around us come to realize that we have chosen the sober way of life and make no big deal of it. There will come a time when you can (more comfortably) be around drinking family members and friends. But, in no way is this recommended in early sobriety.
Plus, what most of us realize in time is that we get very bored hanging out with drinking drunks. Nothing worse for me now days that visiting my neighbor when he is two sheets to the wind and thinks that he is the expert on all issues of the world. He's wrong at least half of the time -- but, will never admit it.
Yes, the staying sober story goes on and on.
Keep The Plug In The Jug
Stay away from slippery places.
We know what they say
hang around at a barber shop long enough
and
we will probably end up with a haircut..
MM
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Tough situation, and I gotta say that I'm with MMBob and others -- the best thing is not to put yourself in it, for the time being.
I'm not sure how old you are, but whatever, we tend to think we have to solve every problem Now. You don't. Your problems with your family will still be there with a few different twinkly bits next holiday season, or the one after.
Give yourself a break from the whole mess for now -- your sobriety hasn't learned how to deal with it yet, but your alcoholism knows super super well how to drink through it. Take care of the part you want to grow.
With my remaining family, I'm ok, tolerable anyway, seeing them separately, rarely, and on non-occasions, it's just big gatherings that are super-stressful. So I'm trying to put a little extra thought into my letters to them, or phone calls, or an occasional one-on-one at a safe place like a coffee shop. And expressing my wish that they all have a great time on those occasions when I really can't join them. Just, not possible. End of story. No apology.
You might be viewed as a bit of an oddball. Is that better or worse than being a bottoming-out drunk?
I'm not sure how old you are, but whatever, we tend to think we have to solve every problem Now. You don't. Your problems with your family will still be there with a few different twinkly bits next holiday season, or the one after.
Give yourself a break from the whole mess for now -- your sobriety hasn't learned how to deal with it yet, but your alcoholism knows super super well how to drink through it. Take care of the part you want to grow.
With my remaining family, I'm ok, tolerable anyway, seeing them separately, rarely, and on non-occasions, it's just big gatherings that are super-stressful. So I'm trying to put a little extra thought into my letters to them, or phone calls, or an occasional one-on-one at a safe place like a coffee shop. And expressing my wish that they all have a great time on those occasions when I really can't join them. Just, not possible. End of story. No apology.
You might be viewed as a bit of an oddball. Is that better or worse than being a bottoming-out drunk?
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Are you able to just stop in briefly for holiday festivities early and get out before everyone has had too much to drink?
You can change yourself you have no control over your family over indulging.
You can change yourself you have no control over your family over indulging.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob
One of the most important things to realize in early sobriety is the understanding and knowing of where we can and can not go in order to protect our new way of life.
I have seen many over the years that in early sobriety think that they can still hang out at the bars without taking a drink. For most in short time this proves to be a bad decision made.
It's best for us alcoholics no matter how much sober time we have to always protect ourselves. Even after 7 years without a drink there are many places that I just will not go to.
Why test my sobriety ?
In time most all around us come to realize that we have chosen the sober way of life and make no big deal of it. There will come a time when you can (more comfortably) be around drinking family members and friends. But, in no way is this recommended in early sobriety.
Plus, what most of us realize in time is that we get very bored hanging out with drinking drunks. Nothing worse for me now days that visiting my neighbor when he is two sheets to the wind and thinks that he is the expert on all issues of the world. He's wrong at least half of the time -- but, will never admit it.
Yes, the staying sober story goes on and on.
Keep The Plug In The Jug
Stay away from slippery places.
We know what they say
hang around at a barber shop long enough
and
we will probably end up with a haircut..
MM
I have seen many over the years that in early sobriety think that they can still hang out at the bars without taking a drink. For most in short time this proves to be a bad decision made.
It's best for us alcoholics no matter how much sober time we have to always protect ourselves. Even after 7 years without a drink there are many places that I just will not go to.
Why test my sobriety ?
In time most all around us come to realize that we have chosen the sober way of life and make no big deal of it. There will come a time when you can (more comfortably) be around drinking family members and friends. But, in no way is this recommended in early sobriety.
Plus, what most of us realize in time is that we get very bored hanging out with drinking drunks. Nothing worse for me now days that visiting my neighbor when he is two sheets to the wind and thinks that he is the expert on all issues of the world. He's wrong at least half of the time -- but, will never admit it.
Yes, the staying sober story goes on and on.
Keep The Plug In The Jug
Stay away from slippery places.
We know what they say
hang around at a barber shop long enough
and
we will probably end up with a haircut..
MM
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Maybe say your body cant handle it. You get sick. Or you went to the DR and they said you needed to stop because your liver counts were high. You might not be telling the truth but at this point maybe they need to hear a lie.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I didn't tell my family that I stopped drinking because I knew that I was too vulnerable for their judgements and comments.
'No thanks' worked for me, and honestly, if it hadn't, I would have stayed away.
'No thanks' worked for me, and honestly, if it hadn't, I would have stayed away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: West Tn
Posts: 3,043
When I got out of treatment, my parents couldn't care less about whether they drank in my presence.
It was quite a problem with me, because their liquor bottles that they displayed on a special shelf (in the kitchen, of course, for easy access) looked like coiled rattlesnakes and copperheads to me.
I would spend a little time with them and then announce that I was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
They had a hard time swalloing the notion of my going to such a thing, but they knew that I had to do it for my recovery.
I very much admire your decision to not immerse yourself into their culture.
You have your new culture and they have theirs.
They don't mix well.
That was the case with me until my parents died in 2012.
I had to keep them at a safe distance from me.
It was quite a problem with me, because their liquor bottles that they displayed on a special shelf (in the kitchen, of course, for easy access) looked like coiled rattlesnakes and copperheads to me.
I would spend a little time with them and then announce that I was going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
They had a hard time swalloing the notion of my going to such a thing, but they knew that I had to do it for my recovery.
I very much admire your decision to not immerse yourself into their culture.
You have your new culture and they have theirs.
They don't mix well.
That was the case with me until my parents died in 2012.
I had to keep them at a safe distance from me.
Ya**!
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Canada! wtf eh?
Posts: 1,123
Originally Posted by SoberCAH
...their liquor bottles that they displayed on a special shelf (in the kitchen, of course, for easy access) looked like coiled rattlesnakes and copperheads to me.
Sorry. Anyways.
DoPerdition, I'm happy you're with us and aware of the challenges family presents. It's tricky but we have to make sure we do what's in our own best interest to maintain our health. I've been called everything from lame, to judgemental, to square. "There's nothing wrong with having a drink every once in a while" is the line I get from family... yet I've never seen them have just "a drink".
Take care during the holidays and stay close to us.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
