It's the holidays - problems solved!!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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It's the holidays - problems solved!!
I've posted here before over the past few years and always gotten amazing feedback. I'd appreciate any responses. Thank you in advance.
My brother is a sometimes recovering drug user - for the past 20 years or so. After he stole from me a year and a half ago, I separated with love (great advice from this forum). Dealing with my parents is actually the hardest part. My dad is his enabler and their unhealthy relationship is extremely troubling - I also realized I'll never really know what's going on with my brother because my dad will protect, lie, etc to allow him to "save face." Even discussing my brother brings up resentment and anger for my dad - so separating with love from my brother allowed me to continue a healthy relationship with my dad.
For the second year in a row, when the holidays roll around, my parents lay pretty thick guilt on me to forgive/accept/let Christmas warm your heart/etc so the whole family can be together (I decline invitations when my brother is present.)
Just thinking about this causes me great stress and I don't know how I'll handle even being around him. He's never reached out to me and we've had no contact. On the other, what's one day a year to keep my parents happy? How selfish and cruel I am to do this to my parents? It's really hard - I'm also 9 months pregnant and due any day. I'm not comfortable with this stress anyway, let alone right now. Any advice?
My brother is a sometimes recovering drug user - for the past 20 years or so. After he stole from me a year and a half ago, I separated with love (great advice from this forum). Dealing with my parents is actually the hardest part. My dad is his enabler and their unhealthy relationship is extremely troubling - I also realized I'll never really know what's going on with my brother because my dad will protect, lie, etc to allow him to "save face." Even discussing my brother brings up resentment and anger for my dad - so separating with love from my brother allowed me to continue a healthy relationship with my dad.
For the second year in a row, when the holidays roll around, my parents lay pretty thick guilt on me to forgive/accept/let Christmas warm your heart/etc so the whole family can be together (I decline invitations when my brother is present.)
Just thinking about this causes me great stress and I don't know how I'll handle even being around him. He's never reached out to me and we've had no contact. On the other, what's one day a year to keep my parents happy? How selfish and cruel I am to do this to my parents? It's really hard - I'm also 9 months pregnant and due any day. I'm not comfortable with this stress anyway, let alone right now. Any advice?
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My opinion is that if you do that this once, they will expect it more and more. I would tell them you are expecting and not comfortable to subjecting yourself to that kind of stress. I would offer to celebrate with them on another day.
That is just my opinion. I have a friend in this exact same situation. It took her mother a while to accept it, but she did finally accept there would not be any cozy holidays together. They just all celebrate separately.
I am sorry. I hope you and your baby stay happy and healthy!
That is just my opinion. I have a friend in this exact same situation. It took her mother a while to accept it, but she did finally accept there would not be any cozy holidays together. They just all celebrate separately.
I am sorry. I hope you and your baby stay happy and healthy!
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I should also say that my parents say "he's doing really great." He's on new medications for depression and has a job (had been "looking" for about 3-4 years). My mom said he's really lonely and NEEDS our support now more than ever to stay sober.
I guess I'm having a hard time 1. Believing anything they say regarding my brother and 2. Knowing when to end a "separation with love."
I guess I'm having a hard time 1. Believing anything they say regarding my brother and 2. Knowing when to end a "separation with love."
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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sadangry--am a mother of an addict versus sibling...but can say that if you are stressed or uncomfortable...it is a good sign from your body that you need to take care of yourself and your baby. have a story that is too long about that...but your healthy baby takes priority.
i am currently as the mother of 5 adult children (35, 32, 28, 22, 20) going through 'separating in love' as 3 of my children have other things to do in their lives this Christmas.
I did this as my parents were not able to give me the same...and I treasured every Christmas I had with my kids when they were young when my mother stopped inviting me (about 8-10; the rest with parents) and during those times we overspent our time as an extended family for various reasons...and it became unhealthy for me eventually.
I am grateful for the experience because releasing my children to their adult choices is a hard thing to do...and especially when one's choice is to continue in her active heroin addiction. It is not easy, however...and I have opted to not try to enforce holidays on my kids...so the adjustment will get easier with time...although not easier now as they all talk to Dad and Dad doesn't tell me things...never has...nothing to do with addiction...so I really feel left out and get irritable and not so pleasant during parts of it.
Yesterday, they had a dinner with all of the family invited...AD did not go but she was invited...and two of the kids who now choose to spend their holidays with the other family or by themselves got it together. That short time together was worth it...I felt so proud of all my children...even for the AD who called her sister and gave her regrets...and realized that as good as holidays and family can be...they can be better when everyone is taking good care of themselves and being accepted for who they are...and last night...I was content...because that is what it seemed was happening...and there was no need for me to say anything as mom or matriarch...because all was well...and they wanted us there.
So...remember that even family pressures for what the individual wants and not always for what is best for the other person...that is the way of the world...but you have a responsibility to your unborn child...just as your parents may feel that responsibility to your brother as their adult child (try not to judge...truly believe that most of us do the best we can).
You also have a responsibility to yourself...and having had 2 daughters who previously used drugs...and now are clean and sober...would like to suggest that you will probably 'know' when it is time...
i am currently as the mother of 5 adult children (35, 32, 28, 22, 20) going through 'separating in love' as 3 of my children have other things to do in their lives this Christmas.
I did this as my parents were not able to give me the same...and I treasured every Christmas I had with my kids when they were young when my mother stopped inviting me (about 8-10; the rest with parents) and during those times we overspent our time as an extended family for various reasons...and it became unhealthy for me eventually.
I am grateful for the experience because releasing my children to their adult choices is a hard thing to do...and especially when one's choice is to continue in her active heroin addiction. It is not easy, however...and I have opted to not try to enforce holidays on my kids...so the adjustment will get easier with time...although not easier now as they all talk to Dad and Dad doesn't tell me things...never has...nothing to do with addiction...so I really feel left out and get irritable and not so pleasant during parts of it.
Yesterday, they had a dinner with all of the family invited...AD did not go but she was invited...and two of the kids who now choose to spend their holidays with the other family or by themselves got it together. That short time together was worth it...I felt so proud of all my children...even for the AD who called her sister and gave her regrets...and realized that as good as holidays and family can be...they can be better when everyone is taking good care of themselves and being accepted for who they are...and last night...I was content...because that is what it seemed was happening...and there was no need for me to say anything as mom or matriarch...because all was well...and they wanted us there.
So...remember that even family pressures for what the individual wants and not always for what is best for the other person...that is the way of the world...but you have a responsibility to your unborn child...just as your parents may feel that responsibility to your brother as their adult child (try not to judge...truly believe that most of us do the best we can).
You also have a responsibility to yourself...and having had 2 daughters who previously used drugs...and now are clean and sober...would like to suggest that you will probably 'know' when it is time...
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Originally Posted by Sadangry81 
My mom said he's really lonely and NEEDS our support now more than ever to stay sober.
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Your brother represents a broken past. Your baby represents a clean break to a
functional and bright future.
These things don't mix. When they do they do not "average out" (Baby's life gets a
little worse, addicts life gets a little better......). What REALLY happens is everything
sinks to the lowest common denominator, and in half a generation YOUR family is
looking forward to parole dates the way other families look at graduations.
Unfortunately, sometimes in casualty situations many harsh and time
constrained decisions have to be made.
This touched on a sore subject in Vales life, a very long time ago. It concerned a
dysfunctional person who wanted to be "part of the family".
My decision (and it was a final one) was that this venom would not be allowed to
propagate down through the generations. It would stop at me. This person pushed
HARD to meet my children.....but never did---right up to this persons death.
Forgive and forget? I suppose it's the civilized thing to do. But when our kid's
future happiness is on the line---I submit to you that that is not civil society....that
is warfare. If you are not already a Mom, you soon will be.
In darker shades of duck than SR is used to, I say this to you:
Your brother had his chance. Your baby deserves one too. You are his/her MOM.
Your function in this world is to FIGHT FOR YOUR BABY'S INTEREST.
A Mom's love for her child is the only form of warfare on the face of the planet
that HAS NO RULES. People who toy or trifle with it will soon learn the meaning of
regret.
functional and bright future.
These things don't mix. When they do they do not "average out" (Baby's life gets a
little worse, addicts life gets a little better......). What REALLY happens is everything
sinks to the lowest common denominator, and in half a generation YOUR family is
looking forward to parole dates the way other families look at graduations.
Unfortunately, sometimes in casualty situations many harsh and time
constrained decisions have to be made.
This touched on a sore subject in Vales life, a very long time ago. It concerned a
dysfunctional person who wanted to be "part of the family".
My decision (and it was a final one) was that this venom would not be allowed to
propagate down through the generations. It would stop at me. This person pushed
HARD to meet my children.....but never did---right up to this persons death.
Forgive and forget? I suppose it's the civilized thing to do. But when our kid's
future happiness is on the line---I submit to you that that is not civil society....that
is warfare. If you are not already a Mom, you soon will be.
In darker shades of duck than SR is used to, I say this to you:
Your brother had his chance. Your baby deserves one too. You are his/her MOM.
Your function in this world is to FIGHT FOR YOUR BABY'S INTEREST.
A Mom's love for her child is the only form of warfare on the face of the planet
that HAS NO RULES. People who toy or trifle with it will soon learn the meaning of
regret.
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