On a very bad "future trip" right now

Old 12-22-2014, 05:32 AM
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On a very bad "future trip" right now

I am fairly new to posting on this forum and appreciate very much the support I have received since I joined.

Things have gone very bad since my most recent post "Contact with my son" I'm trying to link to it here, but not sure if I have done it correctly: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/5079257-post1.html

My AS was supposed to have court last Thurs for another VOP arraignment. His underlying sentence is 3-7 years, and he has had multiple "chances" so we know the state will be seeking to revoke his probation at this point, and he is likely facing the full sentence.

Last Weds, I had a dr's appointment and received a referral to a psychologist who I will begin seeing in January. The woman called me Thurs morning and was telling me about her own son, who just entered a 15 month rehab (unheard of around here) who takes many addicts, including those with felony charges and works with the courts and probation and parole to admit offenders in lieu of jail. She gave me the name and number of a gentleman who works directly with the court and probation and parole in our area. I called him and after telling him my son's story, he advised he could get him in asap, and also advised it was a good thing he was on probation in this county, as they have a working relationship established with our particular p&P office. I had hope........I tried to reach my son, which as always is difficult (he doesn't answer the phone 99% of the time). I then called and left his PO a detailed vm message. I also called his lawyer and mentioned the option to her. I knew he had court scheduled that day, so if I couldn't reach him, I wanted his PO and the lawyer to have the information for him when he came to court at 1:00.

well, my "hope" was short-lived, when his PO returned my call and advised me that he had missed a court date the week before and a warrant has been issued for his arrest. She told me that if he did show up that day, they were going to hold him without bail, and she fully expected he would not be appearing again. I was surprised, as he has never missed a court date before, even when he felt his probation was going to be revoked.

So, as you can likely figure out, he also did not appear in court on Thurs. He currently has an active warrant. I asked his PO why they don't go pick him up at the apartment, she said she didn't know why.......that a State Police officer had asked her where he lived the week before when he missed his court date, but then never followed up. She said they will probably just "wait until they see him on the street somewhere and pick him up then".

So......both my DH and I sent him lengthy messages that evening. Told him the normal things you would expect (this is not going to go away, its no way to live, etc...) and suggested he call the gentleman at the rehab center to see if somehow he can negotiate a surrender for some type of plea deal which would put him in this rehab for 15 months with the understanding if he didn't complete, they would be revoking his probation. I also told him I love him and am afraid he is going to die....My DH told him much of the same. I also told him that he is not going to ever have any type of a normal life for his daughter and is family while he continues to avoid the warrant/charges/underlying sentence.

We both rec'd responses that evening. He of course is downplaying his drug use, and telling us that it is "not as bad as we think" and he is only using enough not to be sick. (denial, we know...) He told me he is freaked out and scared and that he knows he is going to jail for his 3-7 and that he can't face it and doesn't know what to do.



This is pure torture right now for me. I know there is nothing more I can do. I know I wish they would go get him and pick him up and bring him to jail. At least THEN I wouldn't worry so much about him as I am right now....

I told my DH that I just want to skip Xmas this year. I don't want any part of it. I shopped for my GD and a nephew already, but aside from that, I just don't want to acknowledge the holiday in any way. He disagrees........I just want xmas to be over..........

my heart is breaking right now.... I feel like it is all I can do to function/go to work/do the daily household things I need to do....Xmas just seems to be too much for me to deal with this year............
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Old 12-22-2014, 07:27 AM
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I bet your heart is breaking right now. It sounds so agonizing.

I wish I had some magic words that would comfort you , all I have is let it unfold, we never really know the outcome until it happens. He is squarely in the hands of a power greater than any of us.

I can hear you holding your breath.

Sending love and peace your way, Katie
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Old 12-22-2014, 07:35 AM
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Oh honey, I am so very sorry. I hope he enters the rehab.

While it's hard to think about, I have listened to testimonies of some hard drug users. They did one short stint in rehab after another. It was not until they had done some very real time in jail until they came out clean. You know what, many of these people are now productive members of society willing to share their stories to help another person.

When there is a warrant for an arrest, it takes a bit of time to get it faxed over to the correct police dept, then they put it on a list. They may show up, or they may not, depending on their own work load. Eventually he will get caught. While it hurts, you will know he is being fed and clean.

I hope he takes the opportunity, but you have to know you have done everything in your power for him. Now you pray.

Tight, tight hugs. Sending you much love!
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Old 12-22-2014, 10:03 AM
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wwdove--am so glad you could write...and can feel your pain...it is a lot and there is a lot on the plate to unfold...including Christmas--which is challenging for so many.

am practicing what katiekate suggested which is to do your best to let it unfold...and I hope that you can as well.

if it helps at all...I have actually prayed for my AD to be arrested and put in jail given my despair over her unwillingness to do anything to help herself and there are stories of those who have gotten clean in jail or prison as I know some mothers on another web site who have shared...

know it must be even harder with your 23 month old GD being affected...and yet...the only effective thing I have ever found to work in the midst of a lifetime of addicts (some discovered after the fact in my FOO) is when able to 'let go and let God'...'releasing in love'...and it takes work and practice for me to get there with each new addict...

will you be able to spend some time on Christmas with your GD?

Putting virtual arms around you and just want you to know you are not alone.

God Bless.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:03 AM
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Just received a text from my AS:

"hey mom are you guys doing anything Xmas eve? Did you get a tree yet?"

.....really??????????
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:17 AM
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Astonishing! But not...that's the world we live in, isn't it?

Future tripping only hurts those of us doing it.

My thoughts go out to you for some stress relief and that he heads into a 15 month rehab!

Take care. Big hug!
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:49 AM
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Adding my prayers to Garden Mama's.
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Old 12-22-2014, 11:57 AM
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Exactly! He's worried about the tree and you are worried about his life.....

Let him mind his business....give it to your HP and give it to your son (the worries). i know it affects you, boy do I know to well, but please take care of you!
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Old 12-22-2014, 12:22 PM
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its so hard.......I still haven't responded. I'm speechless.. I know he will want to spend xmas with us. He has never missed one yet. He has spoken about it often the last several months and how much he loves to be at our house xmas eve/day. I want to spend xmas with him......but I want to spend it with a healthy him.....so much I want this xmas can't be bought..I also would like to have xmas with my sweet little granddaughter. Having him over will be sooooooooooooo painful, yet part of me wonders if we should do it anyhow....eventually he will be picked up on the warrant, and then it may be years before we spend xmas together again.......sigh..........this truly sucks!!!
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Old 12-22-2014, 08:07 PM
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I wish I DIDN'T know how much this hurts.................
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Old 12-23-2014, 02:30 AM
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Me too Vale..I hope to someday be in a better "place" to offer support to others as I have received on SR. I try on some occasions, as some posts reach right out to me and grab me so hard I cannot help but respond. More often I just lurk, yet other times I just can't even bring myself to visit...as it's all too much. Sigh...
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Old 12-23-2014, 04:18 AM
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So hard for you WWD; my heart goes out to you. I've noticed with my non-A adult children that they still like the traditions of their childhood, yet your AS isn't interested in making a good life for your GD because he's still in denial about his addiction.

Take it easy, and don't build Christmas up in your mind too much. It's only one day.
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Old 12-23-2014, 04:47 AM
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The mystery of the tree question is solved. I had told him a while back I didn't know if we would be getting one this year. He was asking because he got one (wanted my GD to have a good xmas) but has no stand, decorations, etc....He wanted to borrow ours. I told him I would have to talk to his dad (stall tactic on my part to give me time to think).

90% of the ornaments we have are actually his. Given to him by his grandparents, aunt and us over the last 23 years. Many Hallmark ornaments, etc. If things were different, I would have given these to him by now, but I just can't at this point. I don't know what might become of them. So............my "answer" was to hit Walmart, buy a set of cheap lights and a couple sets of ornaments for them. My husband brought them down to the apartment last night along with a "loaned" tree stand and skirt.

He asked my husband to bring them to the mall today so they can get a few gifts for my GD. I can't help but wonder (but try not to think about it) where the money came from for the tree and these "gifts" when the last I knew they have a pending disconnect on their electric bill.....

I hope he doesn't buy me anything.....I don't want to accept anything which has been likely been bought with "dirty money".......
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