So, I mean, honestly
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
So, I mean, honestly
Here's what's going through my mind tonight:
I'm feeling like I want to pull away from everyone.
Reading about people's horrible hangover memories is somehow having the opposite effect on me, making me sentimental about how much I loved the hair of the dog.
I'm feeling like I could make drinking work. I had a good system going, I could just tighten it up, streamline it a bit, and get back into drinking all day every day with no trouble.
As I recount the awful things that made me decide to quit, they don't seem that bad.
I know this is crazy, and I think I'm safe, but this is just what's going through my mind tonight.
I'm feeling like I want to pull away from everyone.
Reading about people's horrible hangover memories is somehow having the opposite effect on me, making me sentimental about how much I loved the hair of the dog.
I'm feeling like I could make drinking work. I had a good system going, I could just tighten it up, streamline it a bit, and get back into drinking all day every day with no trouble.
As I recount the awful things that made me decide to quit, they don't seem that bad.
I know this is crazy, and I think I'm safe, but this is just what's going through my mind tonight.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
That all or nothing thinking used to bring me undone too.
If one person let me down, everyone would...if I spent one night alone, I was sure I always would...if I messed up at work, I was worse than Hitler.
I'm not trying to be funny I was a great awfuliser - in part because that fitted in pretty well with my internal database of reasons to drink.
Trust me Briar, I found it hard to adjust to living sober too - I had this long long list of things I used to drink over...dealing with them was rough.
But with every old situation, and every new response, I got better at this sober living thing.
Eventually I worked out I actually preferred dealing with things sober. It was neater quicker and far less rollercoaster-y.
You don't need to drink Briar - there's no reason good enough
D
If one person let me down, everyone would...if I spent one night alone, I was sure I always would...if I messed up at work, I was worse than Hitler.
I'm not trying to be funny I was a great awfuliser - in part because that fitted in pretty well with my internal database of reasons to drink.
Trust me Briar, I found it hard to adjust to living sober too - I had this long long list of things I used to drink over...dealing with them was rough.
But with every old situation, and every new response, I got better at this sober living thing.
Eventually I worked out I actually preferred dealing with things sober. It was neater quicker and far less rollercoaster-y.
You don't need to drink Briar - there's no reason good enough
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
That's AV talking Briar, our AVs know us intimately, they talk the talk that pushes our addiction buttons.
When this sort of mind talk starts you should post (as you've done), take some time to breathe and assess where you are with HALT. I suggest you go back and read some of your old posts too.
When this sort of mind talk starts you should post (as you've done), take some time to breathe and assess where you are with HALT. I suggest you go back and read some of your old posts too.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
that is why i used to relapse over and over again,
when i would wake up in a police cell and might have to end up going to court and have my name in the local paper so no hiding from the shame or embarrassment, i would swear off the drink and mean it
but give it a few weeks after all the drama, then things really dont look that bad, i find justifications that i might of ended up in a police cell but it was someone else fault if they hadnt of done what they did then i wouldnt of done what i did blah blah
i minimize just what happens to me when i am drunk and what i can be capable of when drunk
i never thought i would ever drink drive, yet i got prosocuted for it twice in my drinking life time
i never thought i would end up in a prison as i know right from wrong, yet i have been in prison 3 times during my drinking life time, never done anything wrong sober that would warrent police action or prison etc but put the drink in me and well there is a time bomb waiting to go off
and yet i would try to justify myself just because i loved the freedom the drink seemed to give me but my problem has always been that once i take a drink i just can not stop. i drink to oblivion hence in that state i can do anything embarrassing and wake up the next day with the guilt shame and remorse and the willingness to get off drink
but it doesnt last long if i try to do it on my own, hence i have aa in my life and i am always reminded by people who share there own experiences so that i may never forget plus i get to see new comers come in and that sure as hell shows me how i am on the right path for me
when i would wake up in a police cell and might have to end up going to court and have my name in the local paper so no hiding from the shame or embarrassment, i would swear off the drink and mean it
but give it a few weeks after all the drama, then things really dont look that bad, i find justifications that i might of ended up in a police cell but it was someone else fault if they hadnt of done what they did then i wouldnt of done what i did blah blah
i minimize just what happens to me when i am drunk and what i can be capable of when drunk
i never thought i would ever drink drive, yet i got prosocuted for it twice in my drinking life time
i never thought i would end up in a prison as i know right from wrong, yet i have been in prison 3 times during my drinking life time, never done anything wrong sober that would warrent police action or prison etc but put the drink in me and well there is a time bomb waiting to go off
and yet i would try to justify myself just because i loved the freedom the drink seemed to give me but my problem has always been that once i take a drink i just can not stop. i drink to oblivion hence in that state i can do anything embarrassing and wake up the next day with the guilt shame and remorse and the willingness to get off drink
but it doesnt last long if i try to do it on my own, hence i have aa in my life and i am always reminded by people who share there own experiences so that i may never forget plus i get to see new comers come in and that sure as hell shows me how i am on the right path for me
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Briar this is AV and your begining to listen to it
Remember what brought you here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-new-here.html
You dont want to drink as it will destroy ppl like us its the AV
Pm whenever you want bud
Stick close to SR you can do this
Remember what brought you here http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-new-here.html
You dont want to drink as it will destroy ppl like us its the AV
Pm whenever you want bud
Stick close to SR you can do this
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
I recommend you try to stop the AV conversations, the more you let them unfold, the more the AV get's empowered.
Think of it like arguing with a 5 year old. Would you spend time doing that? the AV is the same, it only knows what it wants, right NOW!
Let it throw a tantrum and walk away.
Think of it like arguing with a 5 year old. Would you spend time doing that? the AV is the same, it only knows what it wants, right NOW!
Let it throw a tantrum and walk away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
sometimes I have to ask myself; what would I really be gaining?
rather than focus on the bad stuff I don't want to happen from drinking, sometimes I ask myself even if I DID manage to streamline and tighten and control and reign it in - what would I get from it?
I would get the ability to drink a toxic liquid that gives me empty calories and a false sense of awesomeness?
I would gain the ability to gain weight and be puffy and sit around in bars having the same old conversations with the same old people.
I would gain access to the same mundane never-really-changing, never-really-evolving life of just biding my time with a numbing agent until I die.
And when I look at it that way, I recognize that I actually prefer living a life that is awake and aware and evolving and changing in positive ways. I value being kind and sincere and getting to know people from who I am, to who they are - not just yammering away at one another through a dopamine filter in a barroom.
Drinking. Even if I COULD gurantee none of the negative consequences - it really gains me nothing.
rather than focus on the bad stuff I don't want to happen from drinking, sometimes I ask myself even if I DID manage to streamline and tighten and control and reign it in - what would I get from it?
I would get the ability to drink a toxic liquid that gives me empty calories and a false sense of awesomeness?
I would gain the ability to gain weight and be puffy and sit around in bars having the same old conversations with the same old people.
I would gain access to the same mundane never-really-changing, never-really-evolving life of just biding my time with a numbing agent until I die.
And when I look at it that way, I recognize that I actually prefer living a life that is awake and aware and evolving and changing in positive ways. I value being kind and sincere and getting to know people from who I am, to who they are - not just yammering away at one another through a dopamine filter in a barroom.
Drinking. Even if I COULD gurantee none of the negative consequences - it really gains me nothing.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hi Briar:
I'm so glad you came here and posted. Remember, there's us and there's our AV's. It's really hard to confuse the two voices and its key to be able to tell them apart. You are doing great. Remember what YOU, Briar, wants.
You are doing the work and nobody said it would be easy but you are doing it and flexing those sobriety muscles. We got your back and YOU know what's best. Don't let your AV manipulate you. You are smarter than that!
I'm so glad you came here and posted. Remember, there's us and there's our AV's. It's really hard to confuse the two voices and its key to be able to tell them apart. You are doing great. Remember what YOU, Briar, wants.
You are doing the work and nobody said it would be easy but you are doing it and flexing those sobriety muscles. We got your back and YOU know what's best. Don't let your AV manipulate you. You are smarter than that!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
My AV is a fantastic salesman, negotiator, and debater. Way better than me. It could always find something to motivate me to agree to it's terms. I lost every time I engaged it.
The only way for me to not lose is to not engage.
P.S.
That's just a damn beautiful word.
The only way for me to not lose is to not engage.
P.S.
Originally Posted by Dee74 
awfuliser
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
Thank you for your post Briar. The reasons I still go to a lot of meetings is to remember when and identify because during my first 2 years trying to stay sober my thinking was quite similar. My sponsor correctly referred to as the insanity preceding the first drink, and I thought my thinking was very rational. It happened far too often and now I refer to it: ALCOHOL ISM= Incredible short memory.
Powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.
BE WELL
Thank you for your post Briar. The reasons I still go to a lot of meetings is to remember when and identify because during my first 2 years trying to stay sober my thinking was quite similar. My sponsor correctly referred to as the insanity preceding the first drink, and I thought my thinking was very rational. It happened far too often and now I refer to it: ALCOHOL ISM= Incredible short memory.
Powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.
BE WELL
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Briar
I'm feeling like I could make drinking work. I had a good system going, I could just tighten it up, streamline it a bit, and get back into drinking all day every day with no trouble.
You could go back to drinking. But it will catch up with you. The problems drinking causes. Eventually. The problem is, how do you know you'll be able to quit the next time you try?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I went round in circles for a long time, get Sober, convince myself things would be different next time, drink again and things would spiral as bad as ever!!
The reality was I needed to accept that all those thoughts were mere fiction and fantasy, instead I needed to part ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, no amount of time would create new results!!
The reality was I needed to accept that all those thoughts were mere fiction and fantasy, instead I needed to part ways with alcohol on a permanent basis, no amount of time would create new results!!
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
Thank you guys. I know I probably don't really want to drink, I just want to stop feeling awful. Life is bumming me out, and it's real easy for me to decide it's sobriety that sucks, not life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
One of the reasons that AA is so important to me is that as my friendships with folks in the program deepen and populate my life, the prospect of drinking also brings with it the reality of losing all those people.
My "bottom" is soft (no, not my arse, ok, well that too, but I mean my alcoholic end-o-story). It is VERY easy for me to convince myself that I'm just fine now and could return to drinking. I had a single scary black-out experience, some needless arguments with partners, and "didn't feel good about myself." I came to sobriety because of health issues which are largely medically resolved at this point. All healed up and ready to party...
Well. Except for all those friendships. And how much I like myself. And the fact that I managed to quit smoking, I feel fit, I finish things, I know myself, I see things more clearly, and there is a light in my eyes.
Plus, I've gotten over the misery hump and am starting to really enjoy time spent sober with other people, my relationship with my new puppy, waking up early, and even being clear-headed at parties and events. It is starting to BE ME.
So, hang in there. I believe there is a turning point in which the enjoyment of being yourself sober surpasses the (illusory) gifts that alcohol promises. I'm at a little over 4 months, and am noticing this shift in the last few weeks. I am HAPPIER. That's it. Happier than when I started. So, health crisis or no, I just don't want to go backwards in my life.
That moment where the scales tip probably happens at vastly different times for different people, but in the minute that it happens, you actually feel it, notice it. Wait for it!
But, yes, building life within a sober community of new friends does support that shift. I would lose some pretty extraordinary people if I chose to drink, and that cost has become too high for me to be willing to pay it.
My "bottom" is soft (no, not my arse, ok, well that too, but I mean my alcoholic end-o-story). It is VERY easy for me to convince myself that I'm just fine now and could return to drinking. I had a single scary black-out experience, some needless arguments with partners, and "didn't feel good about myself." I came to sobriety because of health issues which are largely medically resolved at this point. All healed up and ready to party...
Well. Except for all those friendships. And how much I like myself. And the fact that I managed to quit smoking, I feel fit, I finish things, I know myself, I see things more clearly, and there is a light in my eyes.
Plus, I've gotten over the misery hump and am starting to really enjoy time spent sober with other people, my relationship with my new puppy, waking up early, and even being clear-headed at parties and events. It is starting to BE ME.
So, hang in there. I believe there is a turning point in which the enjoyment of being yourself sober surpasses the (illusory) gifts that alcohol promises. I'm at a little over 4 months, and am noticing this shift in the last few weeks. I am HAPPIER. That's it. Happier than when I started. So, health crisis or no, I just don't want to go backwards in my life.
That moment where the scales tip probably happens at vastly different times for different people, but in the minute that it happens, you actually feel it, notice it. Wait for it!
But, yes, building life within a sober community of new friends does support that shift. I would lose some pretty extraordinary people if I chose to drink, and that cost has become too high for me to be willing to pay it.
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
I'm discouraged because I got sober before for 7 months and went back to drinking because I was still unhappy. I don't totally believe it's going to get better because that hasn't been my experience. I'm at 55 days, 7 months is a long time from now and I'm afraid I'll still be feeling rotten.
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