Feeling Discouraged....Husband Asked If He Could Have a Beer Tonight
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Feeling Discouraged....Husband Asked If He Could Have a Beer Tonight
On our way to dinner tonight after a movie, my husband asked me if he could have a beer. I told him no because of how he gets when he drinks and the strain it puts on our relationship. He accepted this. He got a bit angry at my bad sense of direction after that, which could have been linked to resentment that he could not drink, but I don't know for sure.
We talked about all of this at dinner. He has a difficult time accepting responsibility for anything, and it is too bad that he is not drinking for me and not himself. Oh well, feeling discouraged.
We talked about all of this at dinner. He has a difficult time accepting responsibility for anything, and it is too bad that he is not drinking for me and not himself. Oh well, feeling discouraged.
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Im sure it is discouraging when we have such high hopes for our loved ones. If he wants to drink he eventually won't be asking for your permission. All you can do is make sure that you take care of your own sobriety and well being. Its pretty exhausting always having to worry about someones next move. Wish you all the best.
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Yes, it's exhausting, discouraging, and depressing. Even though things have been more peaceful, situations like tonight make me feel depressed and I don't function as well. My inner spirit is affected, and I think my family can notice. I am not as carefree as they used to know me by.
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You have choices. You can choose not to be his keeper. Because that is what you've become. And eventually he WILL resent you, and like all teenagers, this will lead to rebellion. Rebellion will mean he will drink. I just hope it doesn't compromise your sobriety...which should be your first and only priority.
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Originally Posted by jarp 
You have choices. You can choose not to be his keeper. Because that is what you've become. And eventually he WILL resent you, and like all teenagers, this will lead to rebellion. Rebellion will mean he will drink. I just hope it doesn't compromise your sobriety...which should be your first and only priority.
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What I would have said to him is "well you are an adult, and you have to take care of your own recovery. To drink or not is your choice. You have a 'point of choice', it's up to you".
And I am almost quoting word for word what I've heard addiction specialists say to my RAH before he went into IP treatment and he was trying to keep himself sober.
Not even they try to 'let' or 'not let' A's drink.
Even when RAH was in hospital I know several patients left to 'use' and this was exactly the conversations that the addiction teams had with the person. Some chose to leave and 'use', others stayed.
And I am almost quoting word for word what I've heard addiction specialists say to my RAH before he went into IP treatment and he was trying to keep himself sober.
Not even they try to 'let' or 'not let' A's drink.
Even when RAH was in hospital I know several patients left to 'use' and this was exactly the conversations that the addiction teams had with the person. Some chose to leave and 'use', others stayed.
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Hi JustBreathe-
I've been in a similar circumstance. Waiting, watching and hoping that the person I loved would make a decision to take care of themselves.
It's incredibly painful, and with every misstep I felt my hopes sinking. Eventually, it exhausted me to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore and still have serenity / happiness and take care of my children.
You have a front row seat in the rollercoaster, and it's ups and downs can be horribly painful and thrilling at the same time.
I had to take care of myself, because I can't sink with him.. I've got children who need me, so I had to choose to get off the ride.
Just my experience.
Take good care of yourself now, I know it is incredibly stressful. The holidays don't make it any easier.
L
I've been in a similar circumstance. Waiting, watching and hoping that the person I loved would make a decision to take care of themselves.
It's incredibly painful, and with every misstep I felt my hopes sinking. Eventually, it exhausted me to the point where I just couldn't do it anymore and still have serenity / happiness and take care of my children.
You have a front row seat in the rollercoaster, and it's ups and downs can be horribly painful and thrilling at the same time.
I had to take care of myself, because I can't sink with him.. I've got children who need me, so I had to choose to get off the ride.
Just my experience.
Take good care of yourself now, I know it is incredibly stressful. The holidays don't make it any easier.
L
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
He probably already does resent me a bit, which comes out in different ways I think. How am I not supposed to be his keeper? Should I let him drink? When he asked if he could have a beer tonight, what should I have said differently so as not to play the role of his keeper?
I truly do feel for you as I know how badly you want this to work and how much you want to support him. Asking you if he can drink is manipulating you. In a way it takes the onus off him and makes you either the good guy or bad guy depending on what works for him. In my opinion he just doesn't sound like he is ready to admit he has a problem or that he is really committed to remaining sober at this time. Doesn't mean he will never get there, but this is something he has to do on his own and in his own time.
Like jarp said it is all about choices. He needs to figure this out for himself you can't do it for him.
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JB, you've gotten some good input here. I'll pass on some stories of my own in case you might find some use in them.
First story: My A has decided once again that he is going to quit smoking. The backstory here is that he's smoked cigarettes and lied about it for nearly the entire duration of our marriage, getting caught every so often and "quitting", then getting caught again a few years down the road.
He'd made the standard announcement several weeks ago, and I said "Good for you" and dropped it. I waited a week, then decided to ask how it was going. "oh, um, well...I made it 2 days and am smoking again." I asked if he planned to tell me this, or just let me believe he had quit, as he had in the past. His excuse was that "the time wasn't right" to tell me...
A few days ago, he again announced "I finished the pack and I'm quitting." I again said "good for you" and dropped it. Not my monkey, not my circus. Yesterday he said "gosh, I sure wish I could buy just one cigarette, not a whole pack." I asked why. He said "well, you can't buy just one, you have to buy a whole pack. And if you're quitting and just want to smoke one, well, you end up smoking the whole pack and then you're not quitting any more." I suggested that if you smoke ONE, you're STILL not quitting any more...but his mind doesn't work that way.
Second story: About a year and a half ago, I found out that during his 6 months of "recovery" up to that point, he'd been drinking nearly daily and lying to his sponsor and me about it. When I confronted him, I was upset b/c it all felt so REAL this time. I said that to him, and he said "it IS real." I said "then your definition of real is different from mine", and he said "no, just a different point of view." I said, "no, NOT a different point of view—DIFFERENT! To me, REAL sobriety and REAL recovery do not involve drinking and lying!"
I hope that didn't ramble too much, but my point is that, as others have said, your A is likely cooking things up in his mind that we can't even guess at, from our side of the fence. And the fact that he would ask for "just one beer" smacks of my A and his "just one cigarette" and "different point of view" thinking. Quitting is quitting, not "just one", and certainly not asking YOU if he can have "just one."
I know it's hard to accept that you have no control over him or his drinking. Man, I have struggled w/that myself in so many different forms and in so many different ways. But it IS the absolute truth, and the Universe will keep bashing us in the head w/that fact until we finally get it. All we really have control over is how many bashes it takes, how much does it have to hurt, before we let go...
First story: My A has decided once again that he is going to quit smoking. The backstory here is that he's smoked cigarettes and lied about it for nearly the entire duration of our marriage, getting caught every so often and "quitting", then getting caught again a few years down the road.
He'd made the standard announcement several weeks ago, and I said "Good for you" and dropped it. I waited a week, then decided to ask how it was going. "oh, um, well...I made it 2 days and am smoking again." I asked if he planned to tell me this, or just let me believe he had quit, as he had in the past. His excuse was that "the time wasn't right" to tell me...
A few days ago, he again announced "I finished the pack and I'm quitting." I again said "good for you" and dropped it. Not my monkey, not my circus. Yesterday he said "gosh, I sure wish I could buy just one cigarette, not a whole pack." I asked why. He said "well, you can't buy just one, you have to buy a whole pack. And if you're quitting and just want to smoke one, well, you end up smoking the whole pack and then you're not quitting any more." I suggested that if you smoke ONE, you're STILL not quitting any more...but his mind doesn't work that way.
Second story: About a year and a half ago, I found out that during his 6 months of "recovery" up to that point, he'd been drinking nearly daily and lying to his sponsor and me about it. When I confronted him, I was upset b/c it all felt so REAL this time. I said that to him, and he said "it IS real." I said "then your definition of real is different from mine", and he said "no, just a different point of view." I said, "no, NOT a different point of view—DIFFERENT! To me, REAL sobriety and REAL recovery do not involve drinking and lying!"
I hope that didn't ramble too much, but my point is that, as others have said, your A is likely cooking things up in his mind that we can't even guess at, from our side of the fence. And the fact that he would ask for "just one beer" smacks of my A and his "just one cigarette" and "different point of view" thinking. Quitting is quitting, not "just one", and certainly not asking YOU if he can have "just one."
I know it's hard to accept that you have no control over him or his drinking. Man, I have struggled w/that myself in so many different forms and in so many different ways. But it IS the absolute truth, and the Universe will keep bashing us in the head w/that fact until we finally get it. All we really have control over is how many bashes it takes, how much does it have to hurt, before we let go...
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
He probably already does resent me a bit, which comes out in different ways I think. How am I not supposed to be his keeper? Should I let him drink? When he asked if he could have a beer tonight, what should I have said differently so as not to play the role of his keeper?
Not that I'm saying what you 'should' have said....the number of times I've come up with the perfect response at 2am!
Just gives you something to think about if he asks your permission again.
I'm sorry this has happened because I know how much you have invested in making your marriage work.
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If has asks you and you say no, then he gets to be mad at you.
That is the dynamic, it puts all the responsibility for his sobriety on you.
I am only sober because you tell me to be.
That is a big responsibility for one woman, especially when his desire to drink becomes bigger than the reason he is not drinking. The only thing between him and his sobriety should be him.
That is the dynamic, it puts all the responsibility for his sobriety on you.
I am only sober because you tell me to be.
That is a big responsibility for one woman, especially when his desire to drink becomes bigger than the reason he is not drinking. The only thing between him and his sobriety should be him.
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Join Date: May 2013
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I am so sorry this has happened, I know how desperately you have been fighting to keep the both of you sober. I am so very sorry. All I can say is if he is smoking pot instead he's not truly sober and able to make sensible decisions about drinking or not. I really hope you have AA people to reach out to for support this holiday season, especially if hubby does pick up again. ((((Hugs))))
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JustBreathe.....As to what to say: Similar to what Jarp has said is what I would say, also.
(and, I have said). "I am not your permission keeper. YOU are." Also, for ridiculous and manipulative questions or statements, like that..you can always punt---"That sounds like an issue for your sponsor--not me". By the way---it can be said with a kind voice and doesn't have to have the sharp edge of sarcasm. (not saying that you would be sarcastic..LOL!).
Remember that he is still waist-deep in his denial. He doesn't see or feel this the way that you do. He is struggling with his disease. The alcoholic voice is always "whispering" in his head: "You can handle just one drink; you can control your drinking".
For the alcoholic who is still drinking and not in a program of recovery...there is a war going on in his head 24/7...the powerful impulse to drink is always near by. And, the environment contains a million triggers. He is battling within himself even if he looks calm and happy on the outside.
I know that you have been on an emotional high with your ability to "influence" him.....and, I am sure that he doesn't want to hurt you...but, he is battling with his disease....the battle is between himself and his disease--not YOU. That is why it is best if you just get off the battlefield (and out of the middle).
If he thinks he can do this without the help of a strong program....I am afraid that the boy is in for a big fall. Let him find this out for himself (he will, anyway).
I wish both of you well....
dandylion
(and, I have said). "I am not your permission keeper. YOU are." Also, for ridiculous and manipulative questions or statements, like that..you can always punt---"That sounds like an issue for your sponsor--not me". By the way---it can be said with a kind voice and doesn't have to have the sharp edge of sarcasm. (not saying that you would be sarcastic..LOL!).
Remember that he is still waist-deep in his denial. He doesn't see or feel this the way that you do. He is struggling with his disease. The alcoholic voice is always "whispering" in his head: "You can handle just one drink; you can control your drinking".
For the alcoholic who is still drinking and not in a program of recovery...there is a war going on in his head 24/7...the powerful impulse to drink is always near by. And, the environment contains a million triggers. He is battling within himself even if he looks calm and happy on the outside.
I know that you have been on an emotional high with your ability to "influence" him.....and, I am sure that he doesn't want to hurt you...but, he is battling with his disease....the battle is between himself and his disease--not YOU. That is why it is best if you just get off the battlefield (and out of the middle).
If he thinks he can do this without the help of a strong program....I am afraid that the boy is in for a big fall. Let him find this out for himself (he will, anyway).
I wish both of you well....
dandylion
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JB: we've been trying to prepare you for this. It was never going to happen that he had already decided to drink, 3 months from now, and actually waits until then. I do get that people have to come to understand things in their own time. However your AH is not a toddler and you are not his mother. What he does and does not put into his body is not within your control.
Of course you are no longer happy and carefree. You are spending all your waking hours trying to anticipate and control another adult. It's exhausting - and it doesn't work.
Of course you are no longer happy and carefree. You are spending all your waking hours trying to anticipate and control another adult. It's exhausting - and it doesn't work.
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JB,
I think you posted 3 times in 3 different spots on this event. You wrote about this one event in slightly different ways in each section. It is interesting to me you recognized how your H got irritated with your driving after you told him no beer. It is interesting to me you recognized the reason you were driving was he was too stoned to drive.
This is your life JB. All of it and what you don't share on SR. I see signs your H is getting ready for another cycle in the small bits I read. I think you do too. Please be careful. Be safe. Because your H can get violent. This is what triggered all of the alarmed reactions on the F&F side. Your safety.
I think you posted 3 times in 3 different spots on this event. You wrote about this one event in slightly different ways in each section. It is interesting to me you recognized how your H got irritated with your driving after you told him no beer. It is interesting to me you recognized the reason you were driving was he was too stoned to drive.
This is your life JB. All of it and what you don't share on SR. I see signs your H is getting ready for another cycle in the small bits I read. I think you do too. Please be careful. Be safe. Because your H can get violent. This is what triggered all of the alarmed reactions on the F&F side. Your safety.
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Honey, the worry and anxiety of all of this will rob you of your life and sanity. What are you getting out of this relationship? You don't have to answer, just think about it for yourself. You deserve more.
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Hi I like what some of the previous posters said. Daisy andfeelinggreat had some very good ideas. I just wanted to add that you could have said "if you want to drink then drop me at home first." Then stated your boundary that you refuse to be around someone who is drinking and that you have your own sobriety to protect. This puts the ball back in his court...and becomes his decision to drink or not to drink. After all you want him to become internally motivated. I think that the more you force him to make his own decisions....the easier it is for him to recognize the consequences of his drinking....thus building skills to combat the urges and his AV telling him...."just one would ok." Instead he will be thinking "No...just one means I'll be lonely tonight. Just one means I won't be enjoying dinner with my lovely wife tonight."
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Thank you for your responses. I posted a few times in different ways about this event in different forums because I have my own sobriety to discuss with others (Alcoholism) as well as living with another alcoholic (F&F).
I like your responses. I did discuss this situation with my AH last night in bed (and it was good b/c he was sober). I told him that if he wants to drink, then this is his choice, but that I don't want to be around it. Sort of similar to what CleaninLI posted (if he wants to drink next time, he can bring me home first b/c I need to protect my own sobriety). He responded that he does not want to drink then, because he wants to be with me and spend time with me. He does not want to be alone. So, similar to last night, he appears to be making this choice, but he still is not doing it for himself which is a pity.
I told him last night that I love him as well (he told me that), but that as much as I love him, my safety is compromised when he drinks, and I have to protect myself first. By his response, I don't think he accepts or understands the severity of his drinking (denial still), despite the fact that he has had several altercations with my family, me, and the police.
By the way, when he got angry again about my driving last night, I parked and told him that I needed to take a walk. He immediately became nice and told me the restaurant was right nearby us, and that we can walk together, which we did. But if the situation continued to escalate, I would have taken a walk to show him that this is not okay, and that I need time to myself.
I think we all know where this is going. I just need to continue to talk about it. I had very bad dreams last night of me telling my husband to leave. I think my husband has two wars going on - one with this alcoholism, and the other war is the fact that he is desperately trying to hold onto me. I know he loves me very much and does not want to lose me, but he also loves to drink. I love my husband too, but I do not love to be around him when he is drinking ( I would prefer to be alone).
I asked him last night what drinking did for him. He said it helps him to relax. I asked if the pot doesn't do that. He said both work better. Alcohol also helped me to relax as well, so I get that. The difference between my H and me? I am more aware of the negative consequences this "relaxant" has in my life, I am more aware of the negative side effects, therefore I would like to abstain from it.
I also told him last night that if he really wants to drink again, then he needs to let me go. He said that I am setting him up. I told him that if I was truly setting him up, I would have told him to have the beer last night, and then I would have left him, LOL.
I like your responses. I did discuss this situation with my AH last night in bed (and it was good b/c he was sober). I told him that if he wants to drink, then this is his choice, but that I don't want to be around it. Sort of similar to what CleaninLI posted (if he wants to drink next time, he can bring me home first b/c I need to protect my own sobriety). He responded that he does not want to drink then, because he wants to be with me and spend time with me. He does not want to be alone. So, similar to last night, he appears to be making this choice, but he still is not doing it for himself which is a pity.
I told him last night that I love him as well (he told me that), but that as much as I love him, my safety is compromised when he drinks, and I have to protect myself first. By his response, I don't think he accepts or understands the severity of his drinking (denial still), despite the fact that he has had several altercations with my family, me, and the police.
By the way, when he got angry again about my driving last night, I parked and told him that I needed to take a walk. He immediately became nice and told me the restaurant was right nearby us, and that we can walk together, which we did. But if the situation continued to escalate, I would have taken a walk to show him that this is not okay, and that I need time to myself.
I think we all know where this is going. I just need to continue to talk about it. I had very bad dreams last night of me telling my husband to leave. I think my husband has two wars going on - one with this alcoholism, and the other war is the fact that he is desperately trying to hold onto me. I know he loves me very much and does not want to lose me, but he also loves to drink. I love my husband too, but I do not love to be around him when he is drinking ( I would prefer to be alone).
I asked him last night what drinking did for him. He said it helps him to relax. I asked if the pot doesn't do that. He said both work better. Alcohol also helped me to relax as well, so I get that. The difference between my H and me? I am more aware of the negative consequences this "relaxant" has in my life, I am more aware of the negative side effects, therefore I would like to abstain from it.
I also told him last night that if he really wants to drink again, then he needs to let me go. He said that I am setting him up. I told him that if I was truly setting him up, I would have told him to have the beer last night, and then I would have left him, LOL.
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