Aiko

I manage to get through 4 Christmas parties but I am wearing out!!!

Today just watching all with the fish balls,
and the constant preasure have a drink...
and yesterday I nearly crumble when I saw my friend smoking pot...

I really am trying 333 days no drinking (but a shot I was forced to and had a breakdown) and 5 months+2days no drugs at all.

So far I got 3 bottles of wine as a gift and I gave them away!

24th and 31st are really BIG PARTY NIGHTS... and my only friends left are users... and the rest of Spain is drunk... So I will have to dress up put the poker face, have dinner, go out say hello and escape!... miserable!!!

I feel like a robot work, home, be good do not touch, take my meds, go to the shrink, pretend happiness...

I would go back to be curled up unconscious!!!

But I can not, my family would not cope... they do not even know I was in a clinic to stop this summer... I hide all from them.

The bottom line:
I am really upset crying cos I used to have fun drunk/drugged and now I do not know how to have fun sober... is hard watching others and control myself...
I used to cover my unhappiness mixing with anything...
Am I supposed to be craving all my lifeeeeeeeeeeee????????
And now I am hatting Christmas

I really am trying to change...
Sorry just needed to get it out!!!

SoberLeigh

You are doing beautifully, Aiko. You had many challenges this year and you risen above them; you can do this, too.

A party or dinner, or two, is not worth risking your deserved and hard-earned sobriety. If you aren't feeling 100% confident, don't go. I know that sounds like a very lonely option.

333 days sober!!!! 5 months and 2 days clean!!!! Aiko, you rock, girl.

Anna

Aiko, you don't have to go the parties. Why not stay home and watch a movie or invite a sober friend over? It sounds like you're putting yourself through a lot and you don't have to.

Maybe you could think about trying some new activities so you have fun things to do that don't involve drinking? I found that walking & hiking really helped me a lot. Do you enjoy bike riding? You could also try volunteer work in the community where you live. That's a good way to meet sober friends.

SoberLeigh

Aiko, do you have some pieces of art in progress that you would like to work on or some ideas that you would like to see take shap on canvas????

Might be a good way to spend these evenings if you can't round up sober friends.

Notimetoloose

Aiko,you are going great, it is Xmas, it is challenging and you are doing so well.
I feel the same as you....challenged but I will not drink...you will have fun again it just takes awhile.
I never want to feel that despair and lost feeling of drinking and drugging.....
I think you are doing amazing..before long that pretending happiness will be happiness. x

Dee74

I was going to ask if you need to go too. There's such a thing as too much party I think?

D

Dee74

.

Tonks

Hello Aiko. Why do you "have" to go?

I really don't think you do.

And you don't "have" to hide anything from anyone. When we hide who we are it only causes more anxiety and more stress. Hiding behind a face is why we turn to drink or drugs in the first place.

You've shown amazing strength coming this far. The holiday season is almost over... I know you have the strength to make it through.

Aiko

Thank you for your kind words, I am starting to feel unstable...

I am copping how I can the dinner parties so so, but going out is just too much......
I might have to get back home straight away and that resally depresses me.
I live on my own and not going out like I used to and getting to an empty home…

I do not have clean friends to hang about and fallen out with the others or left me for impossible when I was trying to quit…

I will start another painting project to keep busy and not bash my head!
Since the clinic I do nothing but work non stop, I have not taken any holidays cos I am scared! But will have to sooner or later!

And Xmas is becomming a mine field seriously!!!

Thank you for your support by heart!
Big hug XO

Soberwolf

Youl meet sober friends at meetings aiko

Sasha4

This will make you smile....!

I just read your post and thought fish balls, I've never eaten fish balls! Does she mean deep fried fish, shaped in a ball?
Then I realised you meant fish bowls!
I'm only 41 years old!
That feels like something my gran would have said!

Don't hate christmas honey.
It makes little kids super happy!
Its supposed to make us be nice to each other.
You need to start hating the booze instead.

My best to you xx

Steve123123

Hey, Aiko. I very much understand and feel for the intense difficulty that these social gatherings bring you. Others have said some great things; I just want to add that I am exceptionally impressed with what you've accomplished so far and will continue to accomplish!

trachemys

Aiko! That's amazing! I'm so happy for you! Yes, the holidays can be challenging but you are so much stronger than the temptations. Keep it up!

Aiko

Just my luck!!!
At work just given me 5 days off this week and 5 days next week...
For B****** Xmas!!!
I am getting really nervous, I am not ready to be that many days off.
I can not belive what I am saying but I am going to go up the walls!!!

I need to be busy... or my head just starts going on and on and on...
F@######@@@****
I am phoning my pshyco!!!
I already damage the nervous system... I got aproblem with my left eye!
Took me nearly 3 years to stop...

I will get through Xmas, I know I Can Not Touch a Thing... or loose my head!
Can not go out I am not ready, straight back home
I will find things to do and do paintings!

Big Hug XO

P.S. Sorry I do have bad spellings in two languages... I did mean fish bowls!

Soberwolf

Stick close to us at SR Aiko you can do this

SoberLeigh

Hugs back you, Aiko.

Treat yourself well this week. Go out and buy the foods you love best. Arrange your CD collection so that all of your favorites are on the top of the stack and handy.

Go buy some bath essences and bubbles; have as many long soaks as you desire.

Wrap yourself up warmly; sit outside withnsome hotmchocolate and gaze up at the heavens.

Bake some Christmas cookies and drop them off at a soup kitchen.

Know that someone on the other side of the world thinks that you are awesome.

trachemys

Aiko, you know we'll be here.

Ten days vacation? I'd be in the woods, backpacking. Or at the lake fishing. Time to do something that makes you happy.

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Aiko, SR is here for you for support!!

Aiko

The seed is already planted in my head and is GROWINGGGG...

I was up at 5:00 crying and after work I went to a wrong house!
I know I need to keep away just the depression is eatting me up!
And I was offered to smoke and there was a bottle stering at me...
But I didn’t!

My friend said is giving a party tomorrow night:
Come along just have a drink only, nothing will happen...
Tomorrow you can stop! (yeaaaa watch them sniffing and smoking......)

And my head is thinking ##### everything go out take all sorts
and get pills to finish off at home!
And my heart is not that young anymore!
It would not be the first time I over do it!
My family has not got a clue and thinks I am the strong one!
And my alcoholic father is #### unbearable. I really want to bash his head!

I phoned an NA friend cos I am desperate...
She calm me down and she said to stay home Or end up in a clinic!
And I have not even finishing paying the last one! Am I an Idiot???

So have to control myself and get back home after 12 like #### Cinderella!
I should be better by now... And I am weak and suffering!!!
Sorry I keep comming here just need to get it out and support!!!

Gilmer

Aiko.

I would stay away from the party.