irisgardens

rivermac...I agree with your post. have hit the end of my existing rope with 3rd addict daughter over 20 years. i did tough love because i realized (& was told) that I was such a loving mother (plus having lost a child...I needed help to figure out better boundaries as child death changes one...and is hard in and of itself.

i had never heard (or been able to hear) that tough love is tough on the parents but it so truly is and I have sacrificed a lot of other things I could have done instead to do it in the hopes and prayers that my daughters would turn their lives around and lead functional lives...two have although it took years...1 is 4 years into active drug addiction and i am so weary...exhausted through and through and feel as if my soul and spirit are dying which is why am doing naranon meetings and other classes on stress and crisis management skills...even though i am not strong right now...but still holding a boundary...that i will support my daughter in her recovery but not in active addiction.

my husband has rarely if ever been in a similar place...he does his own thing...but has respected some of the boundaries i felt were necessary (he doesn't do recovery or classes but at times has listened to me when backed up by doctors). right now, i have no more strength than the boundary of supporting my daughter in her recovery but not in active addiction...i wrote it on her facebook...she has indicated that she knows and she turned to other family members (including husband) to communicate and be with.

it is hard and overwhelming. The doctors/therapists have told me that I am not strong enough to work now and the meds re-eval & change will be another 7 weeks. I know that when depressed, i see things much more negatively than they really are...but I am really grouchy and irritable...

my good thing is having my 4 year old grandson over for childcare at times...he talks to me (I have always been a talker so the isolation of not being talked to by family--doesn't matter why--it is real is very hard...but know that I need to find something else...so joined a coffee group for quiet leaders...introverts and highly sensitive people (HSP) who I really understand...when we talk...it is as if we all understand each other and there is a lot of insight and wisdom from the group...so that is good...I know that I am not a dinosaur even if this type of personality is only 15-20% of the population. Glad that it is available...and it provides an outlet.

Naranon meeting is good...and it is safe...so I can be there without fear. Hugging people is a good thing for me...and that is a good place to hug people.

The health care class on stress & crisis skills is also helping ground me...just remembering that it takes time for things to internalize for me...and just letting myself listen and trust that the learning will come when it is time...I know this about myself...that I take in a lot of data (easily overstimulated) and need rest and calm to have it sink in...so just letting it be what it is and showing up.

I am also just living in the moment as much as possible...and just letting things be what they are...a lot of the emotions around family right now are very uncomfortable...because I can tell that I didn't process all the emotions stuffed during the years of 'supporting/enabling'? my first two daughters...and now my 3 adult children are in good places...and it is hard to handle the financial position that I'm in...but doing the best I can...and husband got a job...now need to see if he will pool the money with what I have put in or if he is going to control it himself...as this would be the first money he has put in in 6-7 years...and I have always shared...but now that all my savings and retirement are gone...I know that I have to get stronger and deal with harder things...again by setting boundaries...which I suck at.

I set a boundary on tone of voice this morning and also being told last night that he was going for his walk and then he continued his habit of going who knows?--the lies have been so numerous over the years...and although it is his culture...I am also just sick and tired of not being taken into account...and said it this morning...in a calm voice and when the anger started to take over...I shut up and just let that stay inside...but I did say that it wasn't ok with me...and ignored all the quacking(?)--excuse about seeing a high school soccer game--the family obsession with soccer is really on my nerves and I don't care...didn't badger about knowing he probably went to the bar (know he wasn't drunk or hadn't drunk--but the years and years of not being paid any attention to are really so bad now...but my financial situation no longer allows me to leave...and I don't know if I would be strong enough anyway...so working and praying for additional coping skills...and trying to be honest with myself that my original hopes and dreams were not realistic and that I have not been realistic about many things.

I have always known that I am supportive when people are sick or in trouble (my dad was this way)--but now I realize that the codependency underlying that behavior has really done a number on me...and I still have to figure out how to get up and get going.

I need to be grateful for all I can be...so included those things here...and ask God to show me how to face my life issues...again...I am grateful for my naranon group and literature...and I am working to remember the many many times God has showed up in my life and in the life of other loved ones...so that I do not go through another faith crisis as I did before I went to Chile in 2012.

It is hard...nothing like I envisioned as a child...I know the isolation of someone who goes through depression...gets stronger and gets up again and moves forward...but this down has been so much harder and more serious than previously...and I am fighting the sense of embarrassment & shame & guilt so much harder and I am still having a hard time.

Still grateful for my cat who sleeps on my bed and snuggles...because he helps me to know that I am still alive and my heart is beating although my spirit is ragged. I was brought up to believe in the permanence of marriage and I observed many hard things my parents went through during their lives...and so I don't expect things to be easy...this fighting to come through whatever the emotions might be and being felled though is really hard...and I know that I do not feel that I can be loved or lovable if I don't 'earn my keep and take care of myself' and over the years...know this has been true since I was quite small--about 3-4 years old...so just asking for steps to take and the order of the steps...

Choosing posting here over trying to say anything to husband that is not positive...(mostly that is how I am anyway)--but I no longer feel sorry for him or make excuses for him when he 'can't' as in my own work for me...have successfully found therapists over many years who have told me that 'can't' really means 'won't' and what I always applied to myself...I am applying to him.

The therapist has confirmed that the family alienation could be true...and in that, I know I need to let go and let God of the things that do not serve me. Afterall...if me telling a truth (I wasn't aware at the time that I was a truth teller when Dad died 13 years ago...and told my mom my 'feelings' were hurt when she changed the living trust to list me (for the 2nd time in my life as a lower person in the sibling group--that is so insignificant now...I worked on it until it just went away...and I realized that she was incapable of loving me in any way I could understand and that Dad's death allowed her to have her own way which is something that everyone has...so nothing wrong there)--and in the intervening years...have had enough crisis with my own kids and financial loss that I couldn't have done it anyway...although at first I wondered why she couldn't accept me just as I am...have outgrown that as well..so in many ways...my mother alienating herself and her 3 other kids from me has been a blessing...because it taught me at least enough to know that I cannot make anyone care or be there for me...it is a gift of the spirit and none of us have the right to try to control it.

So I am working on that with my own children and letting husband work on his own letting go (which I do judge--it is the chilean way from 40 years ago and it means the kids are expected to take care of their parents...which can crush young adults if not done in good measure)--but am just focusing on paying the bills and what he contributes and focusing on my own self care.

Boy...this sure was a big slide down Mt Everest...that is what my therapist and I referred to my journey as as 12 years ago we did so much marital therapy and also went through the drug use of my oldest daughter and 2nd daughter and the deep denial of family...which has not changed...has gotten stronger. I sure hope that God has a plan for me...because this sucks...but I am grateful for it...because it will teach me more about what is healthier...and this time...it needs to be for me...instead of everyone else. Grateful for all the knowledge gleaned over the years and the experience of having figured out as much as I did through learning and knowledge and yes...action.

Now...need to figure out the next step...and also to give myself some credit for paying the bills for many years in hardship and making the best of things (still doing this) and letting go; letting God over many things that I learned from control and power in my FOO and now...well...whatever is for now...know it won't be easy and going to work more on breaking things down to smaller steps so they can be ingested and digested...and being grateful for the ideas that are coming (slower than I want...but they are useful and good)--had one about managing my health care this week after the quiet leaders coffee.

I sure wish there was more clarity...but I need to be patient. I know (from my past experiences have found) that in time, if I do the next right thing...as guided by God and just keep adding up those small steps...I will get stronger. I am trying not to judge anyone...or to try to say what they are thinking or feelings...because the truth is that I do not know. I am holding conversations to short and positive (tone and body language included) and I am giving myself some affirmations as I remember...

God Bless.