amy55

The grinch who almost stole Christmas, was me !!!!!!!!!

I remember about 2 weeks ago perhaps I wrote about how calm I was and the serenity I felt, and that I was listening to my Christmas music, had my lights dimmed, had my wood stove going, and my Christmas tree up, and I was enjoying watching the 4 cats I have slowly take the decorations off the the tree. (lol)

I was happy, I was very very happy that night.

What I didn't say was that I was procrastinating over Christmas again. I dread Christmas, I really do. I'm sure many here can identify with this. I really don't know why I didn't get over this yet, I have been divorced now, this will be my 4th Christmas, and Christmas has been ok since I have divorced. A little bit of a blip last year, but all in all, Christmas has been the time now for me to celebrate with family and friends that love me.

I think I became use to all of the Christmas drama stuff. I went thru that for so many years, I don't know what to make of a Christmas without drama.

So I waited, and procrastinated till Dec 14th to write out the Christmas cards. I usually do them the weekend after Thanksgiving. I waited to shop for Christmas presents till that day also, then it became something that I must do, instead of something that I did because of love.

I still have more shopping to do, and more wrapping to do. My friends invited me to go out last night to have a nice Christmas time get together in a nice restaurant. My first thought was, see, it's happening again. I'm so backlogged with all I have to do, and they want to go out to eat!!!!!! (lol)

I did go out to eat and had a terrific time.

I got back home and saw that Amazon (no promoting them here) had delivered all that I ordered, and I was now almost done.

Does anyone else do this? You get so use to the drama that you lived, that you create your own?

Please make me feel better and let me know that it isn't just me.

(((((((((((hugs to all)))))))))))))
and Happy Holidays

amy

BoxinRotz

Merry Christmas Amy.

Hubby n I are last minute with everything this year. We've been working, working, working. No drama though which is awesome! We'll be shopping tomorrow for our granddaughter. He is so excited.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas n New Year!

amy55

Merry Christmas Box, Drama free is so nice, it's just so d@mn hard to get use to though.

I saw pics of your granddaughter and she is so beautiful and so special.

Happy Holidays to you and yours, you deserve it.

(((((((hugs))))))
amy

freetosmile

Amy-

Although I cannot identify with having the peace and serenity just yet... I do identify with the procrastination and creating my own drama!

Here is a thought to keep in mind, however. I ALWAYS remind myself and my children of this.

With all the chaos, abuse, starvation, and economic hardship in the lives of SOOOO many people around the world. Be HAPPY when wrapping and ordering those last minuet gifts, because there are soooo many people that are stressing because they have nothing to wrap.

I was recently shown a youtube video of a young boy (8 or 9) who got a sweater for his birthday. It was obvious that the family was extremely poor. This boy was so happy and went up and hugged his mother so tightly. THEN...they surprised him with ANOTHER gift. It was a tablet. That little boy started crying. He was CRYING. He ran to his mother and wept in her arms with joy.

How many times do we create drama for ourselves in our lives because of "running late or procrastinating"? So often. I hear of children who complain because they don't have the newest version of the Iphone or x box or whatever.
I was blessed by my grandpa who helped me take care of my kids Christmas. Thank God for that.

I think it is normal for us to create our own chaos--even when we worked so hard to get rid of it. Especially when we dealt with it for so long. But when I get on myself about that kind of thing...I always think about what is happening to someone else at that VERY minuet and then relate it to my problem. I don't know if that helps, but that's what I try to do.

amy55

Merry Christmas to you also Box. I'm so glad that you are having a drama free Christmas this year. Give that cute granddaughter of yours and your dogs a hug from me.

Also a ((((((hug)))))) from me to you

Happy Holidays
amy

amy55

ugh, this double posting thing is going to make me "nuts" if I'm not there already.

I just posted the above to Box, it said I had to wait 15 seconds between posts or something like that. So I didn't hit the post button again because thats when double posts start. So I looked and my post wasn't there, so since I didn't save the post that is now showing, I posted a reply again, guess that will show up also.

Just please don't think I'm going nuts here, it's all of this double posting stuff.

amy

amy55

FTS, I do get what you are saying, and I understand it. For my whole life, I have had to buy over 40 presents each year, there was no thought in it, there really wasn't any caring in it, it was something that had to be done. It meant nothing to me but chaos.

Since I was divorced the Christmases have been calmer, just get little things for people that you love. I spent my last 3 Christmases with friends of mine that gave me shelter when I had to leave my ex. Those are the most memorable ones.

This year my sister is trying to start the tradition that we use to have. The crazy commercialized one. She had a small get together last year which was terrific. It was just the family getting together, it was no gifts. Just love and wanting to be together.

This year our small gathering is turning into about 40 people. The present thing is coming up again. I agreed to small things for the children.

I called her today, and she is out there shopping for everyone that will be there, I told her I'm not going to do this again, this isn't what Christmas is about.

After reading about your childhood, today I have decided that what I want for Christmas is to do volunteer work. To contact the agencies that help families that don't have anything for Christmas. To me that is the meaning of Christmas.

Thanks for helping me
((((((amy))))))

LexieCat

amy, I want to kick your butt. I've bought a couple of gifts so far, I send about 3-4 Christmas cards a year and haven't done that yet (well, I did send my Dad's today, because his gift--tickets to see the Glann Miller Orchestra in his town--are enclosed). I have not one decoration up (I don't bother because I go out to Colorado every year--leaving tomorrow).

I plan to go shopping, um, probably Monday and Tuesday. And there will be many gift cards involved, lol. I am packing my cookie dough press so I can bake some Spritz cookies once I get there--probably Tues. or Wed.

So if YOU'RE a procrastinator, WTF does that make ME?

Seren

Meh....we pretty much did almost all of our shopping today. Not everything, but most. Nothing will arrive on time. There has been too much stress in our world (not addiction related) to do anything prior to today.

I figure Christmas isn't about 'stuff' anyway I just want to share some time with my family!

Hugs to you, Amy! Merry Christmas!!

amy55

Lexie,

First need to say ugh again. Wrote a whole reply, then lost it, don't know if I should blame SR problems, or laptop problems. (lol)

My only real Christmas decoration up is my Christmas tree. Why? I had it in the spare bedroom which I wanted to clean out, so instead of lugging it to the basement, I put it up. It was a cleaning effort in that room, and it cleared out a lot of room in there !!!!!

When I take it down, I might just bring it to the basement and leave it up all year round and just decorate it for different holidays.

The most time I have spent so far on Christmas presents was to go through all of the photos that I rescued from my house before ex had a chance to throw them away. I bought Christmas tin boxes and made a package of most of their photos from birth, grammar school, their friends, high school. It was just something I thought they should have.

I never did have Christmas with my children last year, but I had bought them presents, so I guess half of my shopping was already over. I still had those gifts.
Next year, I think I will do gift cards also. If I see something sentimental during the year, I will pick that up.

I did everything quickly this year, so now I have free time, might just start making some cookies myself.

((((((((hugs)))))))
amy

amy55

Seren,

I agree so much. I wish you were part of my family so that I could have another with me. My family is so much about gifts.

Think that is why I never did like X-Mas. We use to have Christmas at my older sisters house, she had a mini mansion. We all had children, so we all got the children something for Christmas. We had Santa Claus come to the house. That was all fine. Then some of the adults were getting jealous, because they wanted Christmas presents also. I fought it for as long as I could, but I couldn't stop that, I would just look cheap. Then the in-laws started inviting their families, and we had to add them to the list of people to buy presents for. Soon I was buying over 50 presents a year, and the suggested price was $50. or more.

I hate to say this when I say that I was happy when my older sister moved to Florida, and that stopped all of this stuff.

Then the war started between my daughter and my younger sister, they both wanted to
host Christmas Eve. That was when my family celebrated, so that if you were married you could spend Christmas Day with your spouses family.

My ex took over Christmas Eve at my daughters. My family went once. I wasn't there they stopped going. So the war began.

My sister still wanted to see me at Christmas, so she had her first party last year. It was great !!!!!!!! No presents, just something small for the toddlers. My cousins who had stopped going long time ago, (probably because of the price tag) were there. It was just Christmas. It was the best Christmas I ever had with my family even though my children weren't there.

I was so looking forward to another of those Christmases this year.

Not to be !!!!!!

The word spread around about what a good time we had. So instead of the 10 people we had last year it grew to about 40+. My children are also coming this year, which is great. Thing that is not great is I talked to my younger sister today. She told me that she is buying everyone who comes to her Christmas party a lenox ornament. I asked her not to do that, that Christmas is about family and love, and if she did that, they would feel obligated next year to get her something, and that this will spiral out of control. Then people will stop coming because they just cannot afford to show.

I also talked to my daughter also, and she also said she is making things for people there, I also asked her not to.

This is how it all starts. You want to stay out of things so you hold to your own beliefs, but I know next year, my cousins, my nieces, my nephews will feel they have to buy a little something for everyone.

Now I can be the ogre here, or the grinch that stole Christmas according to them, I don't know what to do. I'm really not future tripping here, this is my family.

I think a lot of times I'll start a post, trying to make light of things, then it makes me think about the underlying cause of my unrest.

How do I set boundaries on Christmas? I can't hear bake something, and put it in a tin, because we all bake and bring food to these. I don't want to say then I'm just not coming. I don't want to say I can't afford this, because that is somewhat of a lie, I can but it would be financially damaging to me.

The truth is I just want Christmas to be a time of love and spend it with my family and friends.


(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Katchie

I started out, before Thanksgiving, really looking forward to Christmas. I was thinking about decorating, gifts, etc. then the crap hit the fan and Christmas thoughts went down the crapper. I'm trying to get out of my own head and enjoy my kids even if that means I don't enjoy the company of my AH. If I could I think I would travel to some remote cabin and hole up to enjoy the PEACE and QUIET! but I'm pulling out of it...lol

Merry Christmas!!

freetosmile

I can't say I do too much, but the kiddos and I volunteer to ring the salvation army bell during Christmas time. It does feel so good! I didn't do it this year....but hopefully next year. I'm so glad you'll be out there for someone. You have been very compassionate to me and I bet it just radiates off you, which a lot of people need!!

ladyscribbler

I have been bummed about Christmas this year. Last year the guys were at their respective grandparents' and we did Christmas on New Year's. This is our first Christmas at our new (rented) house and I am working 3 jobs, stressing trying to pay a lawyer for this custody bs with my ex and being "Santa" this year.
Then I got a $100 gift card from a school fundraiser, which at first made me feel bad, like a charity case, but we really did need it. I had already bought gifts, but that gift card purchased many necessities which I was fretting about buying due to finances. I cried for like 4 hours Friday after I got it in the mail. Sad, angry resentful tears. My idiot ex finally hired a lawyer. If he had done that in the first place I could have gotten help from legal aid in PA instead of spending my savings on a lawyer.
I try to help people during the holidays. We gave to the food bank (I'm a coupon queen, so I get extra items to donate for food drives). I gave toys the boys didn't want last year to toy drives this year. But all the change I usually give to the Salvation Army bell ringers is feeding the parking meters outside my lawyer's office.
I think I'm just worn out. I got myself some pajamas at at Goodwill because I realized I didn't have one single gift for myself. I got some chocolates for my stocking with the gift card. Not strictly a necessity, but I was going to leave my stocking out and just have three (one for each son and one for my brother), but then I opened the boxes from all the grandparents and there is more than enough to fill them all.
Now I just have to wrap 3 gifts and I'm done. All my crying was for nothing.
Silly me. Wishing everyone all the best for the holidays and beyond.

amy55

My Christmas present to myself this year....

I have always been putting it off. After I went thru the cancer, I wasn't working then, I wanted to volunteer at a cancer center, but the abuse at home just escalated, I had to drop that. Then I wanted to volunteer at a DV shelter, but I had just left home and was struggling with the divorce.

I have been online all night looking for places that I can volunteer. I filled out an application to be a child advocate. It's a volunteer position, I would need to attend classes, nothing to do with therapy for the child or anything like that, it's sort of like being able to speak on the childs behalf in court type thing, but mostly to just get to know the child and try to get them to open up a little.

So, I have applied, don't know where that will go, it may work out since I am somewhat currently employed as a caregiver for a young adult with autism.

Hoping that will work out, it is an 18 month commitment for this. But I did press the send button.

I do have to admit that most times I do feel guilty about posting about my problems. I am already divorced 4 years. I am somewhat financially secure. I am low medium income level. I will never know or go through the financial hardships of many here, but I do understand it.

So, wish me luck with this. It's my X-Mas present to me.

(((hugs)))
amy

LexieCat

amy, for some people doing the gift-giving thing gives them pleasure. Maybe you could consider a boundary that you let people do what they wish about the gifts, that you are not going to stress over it. You could let people know that you don't expect gifts and that you plan to just enjoy everyone's company, and let the others do what makes them happy. If someone feels "obligated," well, that's his/her issue to deal with, isn't it? Otherwise, aren't you depriving some people of the pleasure of giving gifts for the sake of those who stress out over it? It's still a form of "managing" other people's feelings. Try letting them deal with their own. Not your problem, IOW.

Hugs,

MissFixit

Amy,

This is just an observation since you asked about boundaries you can set.

It sounds like you are trying to control others here. You tell your sister not to give her guests gifts, you tell your daughter not to make something for others, you are already concerned about how your nieces and nephews MIGHT FEEL NEXT YEAR based on potential gift giving by others. You write that you are not future tripping because this is your family. Worrying about other people's feelings a year from now IS future tripping. They might feel bad, they might feel good, they might feel obligated, they might not. Their feelings (A YEAR FROM NOW!) are 100% their business and for them to sort out.

You write that you want to set boundaries. Since boundaries are for US NOT THEM, then maybe set some boundaries for yourself rather than them. Examples might be: I will not bring any gifts to this party or I won't buy things I cannot afford or I will not give gifts expecting to get gifts in return.

You mention that you are worried what other people will think about you if you do not give gifts. Well, what other people think of me is none of my business, ya know? Trying to control what other's think of you is trying to control them. Buying gifts for others when it is financially damaging to you is buying stuff you cannot truly afford, which is very bad for you. Maybe you start with that boundary?

Whatever you decide, you might want to look at the theme of control and how to put the focus back on yourself.

Good Luck

boomtruck

There is too much pressure put on holidays. My children gave me freedom last year when I had no money to buy presents. I was feeling so guilty that nothing was under the tree. They looked at me and said, "Mom, it's just another day." They suggested we take any monies we received from relatives to go shopping after Christmas and have lunch, which we always enjoy. We had so much fun that we are going to do it again this year. They set me free from the holiDAY. After all it is just another day. Shouldn't we celebrate our loved ones every day?
And for the Christmas card/letter. I was feeling pressure as I have no cards, no ink, and no stamps, so I gave myself a present and let it go. I will right a New Years Letter. No worries or stress----that's my present to me.

boomtruck

There is too much pressure put on holidays. My children gave me freedom last year when I had no money to buy presents. I was feeling so guilty that nothing was under the tree. They looked at me and said, "Mom, it's just another day." They suggested we take any monies we received from relatives to go shopping after Christmas and have lunch, which we always enjoy. We had so much fun that we are going to do it again this year. They set me free from the holiDAY. After all it is just another day. Shouldn't we celebrate our loved ones every day?
And for the Christmas card/letter. I was feeling pressure as I have no cards, no ink, and no stamps, so I gave myself a present and let it go. I will write a New Years Letter. No worries or stress----that's my present to me.

boomtruck

oops, there is that double post thing. Sorry