Posting before that first drink
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 479
Posting before that first drink
This has been a very difficult week. One uncle died, another is in the hospital, and another had a stroke. That I can handle.
What's causing me to contemplate a drink is the ending of a relationship. He can no longer tolerate my "erratic behavior." I have been trying since June to quit drinking, and the longest I have gone is 4 months. Four glorious months of working towards becoming the person I feel I deserve I get to be. But I slipped once when my grandma died, and I slipped recently at my 4 month mark. I am on day 17 of being sober, and it's been such a moody rollercoaster.
My own erratic behavior has been very painful for me to endure, and I guess I've been taking it out on him. I've apologized repeatedly and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out.
Still, I sit here crying, thinking of going to buy alcohol, because I'm overcome with the weight of having screwed yet another thing up. I tried so hard not to screw this relationship up, yet I feel like an absolute failure.
I know drinking right now won't help anything, not in the long run anyway, and that's what I'm after. Long term results. An everlasting change. But I just feel so screwed right now...
What's causing me to contemplate a drink is the ending of a relationship. He can no longer tolerate my "erratic behavior." I have been trying since June to quit drinking, and the longest I have gone is 4 months. Four glorious months of working towards becoming the person I feel I deserve I get to be. But I slipped once when my grandma died, and I slipped recently at my 4 month mark. I am on day 17 of being sober, and it's been such a moody rollercoaster.
My own erratic behavior has been very painful for me to endure, and I guess I've been taking it out on him. I've apologized repeatedly and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out.
Still, I sit here crying, thinking of going to buy alcohol, because I'm overcome with the weight of having screwed yet another thing up. I tried so hard not to screw this relationship up, yet I feel like an absolute failure.
I know drinking right now won't help anything, not in the long run anyway, and that's what I'm after. Long term results. An everlasting change. But I just feel so screwed right now...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Staffordshire, UK
Posts: 712
Originally Posted by rachelle77 
This has been a very difficult week. One uncle died, another is in the hospital, and another had a stroke. That I can handle.
What's causing me to contemplate a drink is the ending of a relationship. He can no longer tolerate my "erratic behavior." I have been trying since June to quit drinking, and the longest I have gone is 4 months. Four glorious months of working towards becoming the person I feel I deserve I get to be. But I slipped once when my grandma died, and I slipped recently at my 4 month mark. I am on day 17 of being sober, and it's been such a moody rollercoaster.
My own erratic behavior has been very painful for me to endure, and I guess I've been taking it out on him. I've apologized repeatedly and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out.
Still, I sit here crying, thinking of going to buy alcohol, because I'm overcome with the weight of having screwed yet another thing up. I tried so hard not to screw this relationship up, yet I feel like an absolute failure.
I know drinking right now won't help anything, not in the long run anyway, and that's what I'm after. Long term results. An everlasting change. But I just feel so screwed right now...
What's causing me to contemplate a drink is the ending of a relationship. He can no longer tolerate my "erratic behavior." I have been trying since June to quit drinking, and the longest I have gone is 4 months. Four glorious months of working towards becoming the person I feel I deserve I get to be. But I slipped once when my grandma died, and I slipped recently at my 4 month mark. I am on day 17 of being sober, and it's been such a moody rollercoaster.
My own erratic behavior has been very painful for me to endure, and I guess I've been taking it out on him. I've apologized repeatedly and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out.
Still, I sit here crying, thinking of going to buy alcohol, because I'm overcome with the weight of having screwed yet another thing up. I tried so hard not to screw this relationship up, yet I feel like an absolute failure.
I know drinking right now won't help anything, not in the long run anyway, and that's what I'm after. Long term results. An everlasting change. But I just feel so screwed right now...
You can do this! I believe in you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Ga
Posts: 1,511
Think how it would turn out. For me it would be a day of feeling like crap tomorrow, not being able to hold anything down, anxiety like crazy and so disappointed in myself.
Build your sober muscles! Push through!
Build your sober muscles! Push through!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 479
Alynn--I like the part about building my sober muscles. Admittedly, they aren't very strong at the moment.
But I did just put away some clean dishes, and that small gesture felt good. But going out and doing holiday shopping just sounds so awful.
But I did just put away some clean dishes, and that small gesture felt good. But going out and doing holiday shopping just sounds so awful.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Sending thoughts & prayers Rachelle
Drinking will only make things worse its not the way
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
Stick close to SR and great job reaching out
Drinking will only make things worse its not the way
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-cravings.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html
Stick close to SR and great job reaching out
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,510
Rachelle, I'm sorry that your relationship is ending, but try to believe that you are right where you should be in your life. Focus on yourself and your recovery and you'll be okay.
Tired
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 116
That addictive urge has got you in it's grip. I swear it's like a leech, hooking on when we're most vulnerable.
Don't do it. Shriek at that thing mentally, get angry at IT, not yourself. You're worth more then it wants you to believe. Much much more.
Take a shower, brush your teeth. Feel clean and fresh. Distract yourself. Sometimes we need to step away from a situation, detatch, in order to gain real perspective. That not only applies to alcohol.
I'm so sorry for your situation, what a stressful and hurtful time.
You can do this, you've already started by being here.
Don't do it. Shriek at that thing mentally, get angry at IT, not yourself. You're worth more then it wants you to believe. Much much more.
Take a shower, brush your teeth. Feel clean and fresh. Distract yourself. Sometimes we need to step away from a situation, detatch, in order to gain real perspective. That not only applies to alcohol.
I'm so sorry for your situation, what a stressful and hurtful time.
You can do this, you've already started by being here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 101
I think it's a great that you posted here to reach out and delay the action of drinking. You can get through this. Don't let the temptation suck you right back into the dark abyss. 17 days is great... Do this for you and be strong. Do you have a sober friend you can reach out to, go have some coffee? Just remember how great it is when you wake up not feeling hungover and trying to beat that horrible feeling. Sending positive thoughts your way!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Some awesome advice here Rachelle 
Sometimes becoming who we want to be is not always easy - we find that life is often not very co-operative...but you are on the right track...don;t doubt that.
Keep fighting
D
Sometimes becoming who we want to be is not always easy - we find that life is often not very co-operative...but you are on the right track...don;t doubt that.
Keep fighting
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: San Francisco
Posts: 479
Thanks for all of the kind and encouraging words. I went out and deposited my last paycheck; yes, I'm still old school and do it that way. Doing that was a good reminder of what sobriety has brought me. I just got this job last September after being fired my underachieving job due to my alcoholism. And this is a job I really like, and feel that can open me up more as a person and also to get more education to become a teacher. Oh, I guess this is where I say that I work with high school kids. Something I've never done before.
Oh! Now I feel bad letting loose that I was fired from my last job because of my drinking, and that I now work with kids! This job has been a lifesaver for me. Wow, I must sound like a real mess now.
Oh! Now I feel bad letting loose that I was fired from my last job because of my drinking, and that I now work with kids! This job has been a lifesaver for me. Wow, I must sound like a real mess now.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
No, ya don't sound like a mess. Now quit kikin yerself in the ass( I seem to be sayin that often lately). Yer not a bad person, just sick and my opinion:
Single may just be a good fit for ya now so ya can work on you.
Now go look in the mirror......right into your own eyes..... Look right there for a bit....and tell yerself you love you.
Single may just be a good fit for ya now so ya can work on you.
Now go look in the mirror......right into your own eyes..... Look right there for a bit....and tell yerself you love you.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 29
You dont sound like a mess you sound human. Keep up the fight. Dont end back up at square one. Its miserable. Cant hold anything down. Hot and cold sweats and shaking. I wish I'd come on and shared instead of taking that first drink.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 122
Hello rachelle77,
Keep fighting the good fight. This is a hard road that does get easier, it really does, as long as we stay sober. That has to be the priority, first, second and third, keep your sobriety. You stated,
"I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out." That is all any of can do, live for this moment and keep it sober. The craziness in our heads as we try to deal with early sobriety will get quieter as we progress. This is the beginning of your new sober life, do it for yourself, and you will love the person you are. That needs to be the most important relationship in your life right now. It does get easier, much more calm, and you will truly "blossom" like your quote from Anais Nin. I wish you the best, keep posting here. You can do this!
Keep fighting the good fight. This is a hard road that does get easier, it really does, as long as we stay sober. That has to be the priority, first, second and third, keep your sobriety. You stated,
"I know I can't change the past and what I've done, only things from here on out." That is all any of can do, live for this moment and keep it sober. The craziness in our heads as we try to deal with early sobriety will get quieter as we progress. This is the beginning of your new sober life, do it for yourself, and you will love the person you are. That needs to be the most important relationship in your life right now. It does get easier, much more calm, and you will truly "blossom" like your quote from Anais Nin. I wish you the best, keep posting here. You can do this!
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I teach. I lost a teaching job due to my alcoholism.
Today I teach preschoolers, I'm sober, and the boss and parents like my work (and my attitude).
I'm glad you wrote here before you made a bad decision!
hugs & love to you
Today I teach preschoolers, I'm sober, and the boss and parents like my work (and my attitude).
I'm glad you wrote here before you made a bad decision!
hugs & love to you
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