itsmylifenow

I checked the xabf's fb page today.

Don't even say it. I've gone 9 months without any kind of stalking or doing anything like this. The urge hit quick, and I was on it so fast I didn't even want to stop myself from doing it.

I really need to figure out why i keep hanging on to guys like this. Why the hell am I continually going after the unavailable ones?? I mean, really. It's like I have to constantly confirm with myself that I'm not worth it. Seems like every guy I like is a big loser. And, the good guys? The ones with real lives, who are normal? They don't seem to want me either. WTH.

I'm confused today. I haven't been in a long, long time. Been awhile since I spent a morning checking on the ex, writing in my journal and writing in here. Always so thankful I have here to go to.

The A's don't like me because I don't drink. They all need drinking buddies. That's been the story of my life since I was a teenager.

And, the normal guys? Not sure why they don't like me. Probably because I don't drink!! I don't know. I'm tired of the ones that do like me.

This post makes no sense. Sorry, I'm sure I'm rambling.

I'm just tired of feeling like I'm in this same place when it comes to relationships. I've just about given up anyways. I seem to be better off when I'm not in one. I barely write in my journal anymore. I've got no drama to talk about. Don't come here either. Except I like here...I have come soooo far and really like helping people get past this stuff.

Just need to be heard today. I guess.

Time to get out of my head....

amy55

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I mean, really. It's like I have to constantly confirm with myself that I'm not worth it.

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Can you please re read what you wrote here. ^^^^^

Why would you want to constantly confirm with yourself that you are not worth it? You are worth it, and you deserve the best !!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I kept myself down for a really long time with thoughts like that. Why didn't the alkie like me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I find a decent person who will like me?

There were many decent people who liked me, I wasn't seeing it because I wasn't done hurting and beating myself up. I didn't like me, so how could anyone like me?

What I found out for myself is that I also like coming here, I like helping people, and I like being supportive to people, I also found out that I am starting to like myself a hellava lot more because it is also helping me to understand myself.

I do "hear" you today. Thanks for posting

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

itsmylifenow

Thanks, Amy.

Sometimes, being heard is all you need

I do know that I'm worth it....I really do know that.

But, this same pattern of choosing guys that either reject me, are unavailable or are A's is telling me I believe something about myself.

Maybe its not that I'm not worth it. Maybe it's that I'm only worth it if I'm in a R with someone who needs fixing. Or, if I'm with the right guy, I won't be able to live up to his expectations. Or.....if I find someone who I truly love and they love me back - there's a whole lot of responsibility involved in keeping it going and to love someone that much, means the chance to be hurt is huge.

Hmm......I'm leaning towards the last idea.

dandylion

itsmylifenow...being in a relationship with an Ahole means that the chance to be hurt is Huge, also!!! LOL!

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Amy, many of my favorite posts on SR have been yours.

But this one? This one is my favorite. Thank you for saying exactly what I wanted to say.

IMLN...my mother always told me we get what we deserve. But the truth is, we get what we *think* we deserve.

AnvilheadII

But, this same pattern of choosing guys that either reject me, are unavailable or are A's is telling me I believe something about myself

where did that belief come from? going back in time, who was the first person whose love you could never GET? whose "rejection" made you feel unworthy? who was emotionally unavailable in your life? or just plain not THERE? what are you still trying to FIX?

amy55

I do get where you are coming from. I do "hear" you. I am like you. Something that I am really trying hard to work on right now.

I had a really big fear of abandonment and rejection, so I became a "fixer" and a "perfectionist". I always felt like I had to work for a relationship and that I needed to change myself into that person that the other person would want. I didn't want to feel rejected again, I couldn't deal with it anymore.

So I kept doing this and doing this, and I became a person that I didn't even know. I still don't know who I am

I had friends the entire time. I didn't do this with them. I remained me with them. These are the friends that offered me their house when I had to leave my marriage. These were the people who loved me for who I was.

So, I come here to this forum, no one here really wants anything for me other then my own happiness. I can be myself here. Do you know how strange that can feel for someone who has always tried to change themselves so that you wouldn't be rejected or abandoned?

This stuff has been ingrained in me for 55 years. I have really only been working on this for the last 4 years to accept that perhaps I am acceptable the way that I am.

I really do think you are terrific

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

NYCDoglvr

I can relate to you 100%. My recovery began when I took responsibility for my misery and acknowledged picking men who were unavailable (many lived in other countries, another a self-centered, self-involved recovering alcoholic with no program). What made the difference was Alanon and cognitive therapy, and they did help. Once I asked my therapist why I meet all these jerks. Her answer: "all women meet jerks ... they just walk away." I started going on dates and listening, instead of talking, and walked immediately when I saw a red flag. Today I know I'll never pick another unavailable man, which is empowering.

The central issue of all addiction (including codependency and alcoholism) is low self-esteem and we change that by taking "esteemable" actions. When self-esteem goes up we don't settle for anyone who doesn't treat us with basic respect. It's an inside job.