Serious relationship with prior cocaine addict....
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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Serious relationship with prior cocaine addict....
I am currently dating a beautiful woman who I have fallen in love with over the past 3 months. Prior to her and I meeting 3 months ago she had just completed a 30 day rehab clinic and was trying to get her life pieced back together. I believe that her road to rehab was a personal choice, but I have my suspicions as the drug was found in her system during a court proceeding involving her spouse's unpaid child support. We are currently living together and I don't believe that she is using any illegal drugs other than daily marijuana use and is a social drinker. I watched as she came out of rehab, found a job and paid off nearly $1,500 in unpaid vehicle fines/insurance to get her driver's license back without my help or anyone around her. She currently does not have her car because her parents have been holding onto the vehicle and making the payments due to her void during rehab. It looks as though she will have her car given back to her this weekend and this will give her another large step forward. I don't want to enable her in any way so I have never offered to help her out financially, but since we currently reside together I pay all of the bills because I would be paying them if she was living with me or not. She does help out with groceries and will pay for a few drinks if we go watch a football game on Sunday etc. I don't use any drugs of any kind but I do drink alcohol regularly. I just recently went through an ugly divorce and this woman is the first person that I have met outside of my marriage that I have ever felt an actual connection with. I'm not naive and know that when we met I was in a very susceptible state of mind. I catch myself stealing glances at her whenever I get the opportunity and love waking up with her next to me in the morning. I consider myself attractive and we are within 2 years of each other and I don't feel I'm being used in any way. I want to totally commit to this person and be there for her but I sometimes get the feeling that I am setting my self up for a hard fall in the coming year. I recently met her mother and father and she has a daughter who resides with her parents because of her cocaine habit. I know that she loves her daughter and puts her above all else and her ultimate goal is to get her daughter back into her life. I watched as she worked hard and has scraped money together for her Xmas presents this year. Once her family found out she was using cocaine she gave custody of her child to her parents as she went through rehab.
I was up late the other night and she received a text at 1 in the morning from a former drug dealer asking if she wanted to buy some coke. I was literally sick to my stomach and wanted to distance myself from her as much as possible at that moment. I asked her about it and she said that she would change her number and was no longer using. I believe that she's not using any type of drug other than marijuana right now and my concern is that once she gets her car back this weekend she will receive a spontaneous text like this from some of her old friends and be tempted to use. I see her as a very impressionable person who can be swayed very easily. I don't think that she has done a good job of separating herself from some of her old connections since many are still facebook friends and she has chosen to keep the same phone number. Overall she is currently at 5 months of being clean(marijuana excluded) and with the holidays coming up it's only going to be more stressful for her than ever.
I have never dated a drug addict or anyone who was a recreational user. I never used drugs and went from HS straight into the military and from there to the workforce while going to school to earn my degree. It's very hard for me to understand the temptation to use a drug. I want to be with this person but I feel like she could eventually relapse and I just don't want to put myself through something like that especially after picking myself up from rock bottom after my divorce. I am not scared to take on the responsibilities of being a father figure for her daughter or any of the financial burden of dating someone with a kid. I am just so scared she will chose to use again and I will be crushed again. I guess I am just venting but at the same time I'm looking for your thoughts on my situation. I know that the relapse rate is high and I have 2 family members with substance abuse issues and they both eventually went to prison.
I was up late the other night and she received a text at 1 in the morning from a former drug dealer asking if she wanted to buy some coke. I was literally sick to my stomach and wanted to distance myself from her as much as possible at that moment. I asked her about it and she said that she would change her number and was no longer using. I believe that she's not using any type of drug other than marijuana right now and my concern is that once she gets her car back this weekend she will receive a spontaneous text like this from some of her old friends and be tempted to use. I see her as a very impressionable person who can be swayed very easily. I don't think that she has done a good job of separating herself from some of her old connections since many are still facebook friends and she has chosen to keep the same phone number. Overall she is currently at 5 months of being clean(marijuana excluded) and with the holidays coming up it's only going to be more stressful for her than ever.
I have never dated a drug addict or anyone who was a recreational user. I never used drugs and went from HS straight into the military and from there to the workforce while going to school to earn my degree. It's very hard for me to understand the temptation to use a drug. I want to be with this person but I feel like she could eventually relapse and I just don't want to put myself through something like that especially after picking myself up from rock bottom after my divorce. I am not scared to take on the responsibilities of being a father figure for her daughter or any of the financial burden of dating someone with a kid. I am just so scared she will chose to use again and I will be crushed again. I guess I am just venting but at the same time I'm looking for your thoughts on my situation. I know that the relapse rate is high and I have 2 family members with substance abuse issues and they both eventually went to prison.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Hello TC
Thank you for sharing your story and for coming to this forum.
Your instinct brought you here.
If you suspect she is using, your mind is already aware. And now, your heart if trying to catch up. Please don't doubt your feeling on this. Denial protects us from the fear of being hurt.
Keep reading posts here as you walk thru this. Your journey has just begun. There is a lot of experience, love and compassion from all of the members. I hope she is recovering but I am one of those people who believe that using any kind of drug or altering substance / chemical - is what brought them to their DOC.
I am codependent.
Please read the stickies at the beginning of this forum. You will see yourself in them and learn to face who you are and what you are responsible.
To me, I feel that you are in pain.
I waited 2 1/2 years, coming here often, before I was able to post anything. During those years, I had to face the truth about my situation and what an addict does. It's been a horribly painful thing to do and maybe it took me longer but I gained so much from reading every time that I could handle it.
Good luck TC.
Thank you for sharing your story and for coming to this forum.
Your instinct brought you here.
If you suspect she is using, your mind is already aware. And now, your heart if trying to catch up. Please don't doubt your feeling on this. Denial protects us from the fear of being hurt.
Keep reading posts here as you walk thru this. Your journey has just begun. There is a lot of experience, love and compassion from all of the members. I hope she is recovering but I am one of those people who believe that using any kind of drug or altering substance / chemical - is what brought them to their DOC.
I am codependent.
Please read the stickies at the beginning of this forum. You will see yourself in them and learn to face who you are and what you are responsible.
To me, I feel that you are in pain.
I waited 2 1/2 years, coming here often, before I was able to post anything. During those years, I had to face the truth about my situation and what an addict does. It's been a horribly painful thing to do and maybe it took me longer but I gained so much from reading every time that I could handle it.
Good luck TC.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
... and like many here, I have never used any drug. I don't smoke or drink or even have caffeine. I will never understand about how or why addictions happen other than its ability to dull reality. I've been around my XABF while he would shoot. It was like watching from outside my body. I don't understand. Never will.
I learned so much about things that I never wanted to be exposed to. I have put a lot of it to good use. I revived him, twice.
But it all started out as simply as your post shows. It numbed me. The reality became a part of every day. It crawled into my life and destroyed everything I had built. All the time, I was the only one in denial about what was happening. I defended. I covered up my own suspicions.
But it happened. And it me. I became addicted to the addict. His highs were intoxicating in a really bad way. When he would go thru rehab, I see now how much I avoided facing because I so badly needed him to be clean. It was going on, right in my face, but I could not accept any of it. I literally could not see it.
This disease is a thief. It destroys everything.
I learned so much about things that I never wanted to be exposed to. I have put a lot of it to good use. I revived him, twice.
But it all started out as simply as your post shows. It numbed me. The reality became a part of every day. It crawled into my life and destroyed everything I had built. All the time, I was the only one in denial about what was happening. I defended. I covered up my own suspicions.
But it happened. And it me. I became addicted to the addict. His highs were intoxicating in a really bad way. When he would go thru rehab, I see now how much I avoided facing because I so badly needed him to be clean. It was going on, right in my face, but I could not accept any of it. I literally could not see it.
This disease is a thief. It destroys everything.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
Hello, you remind me a lot of myself when I found out about my ex's addiction. I had the same sort of feelings and wondered, "Should I stay or should I go?" I remember having lots of bad gut feelings, lots of events where every cell in my body seemed to scream at me, "You are in very grave danger!" and yet EVERY TIME my heart screamed back, "No! No! No! He needs you!"
You're fortunate in the sense that you already knew about this from the get go - many of us do not have that luxury and instead are in relationships with addicts who hide their addictions to the best of their ability, up until they've snagged you and you feel like there is no way out. However, it seems like, based on what you've typed, you're already pretty much in the deep end with this woman. I feel bad for you because I really do know how that feels. You love and care for someone so much, you so desperately want them to change, to be a better person and yet... realistically, that's not very likely to happen.
In my opinion, any addict who is actively using or in rehab/recovery has absolutely no business being in a relationship. It's one thing if you've truly recovered and distanced yourself from substance use, cut ties with old contacts, and are otherwise leading a completely different life from when you were using (and it can't be just a few weeks or months.. it can take years!) To me, any addict who gets in a relationship during this time is not looking for a loving relationship so much as they are looking for a crutch to sustain their addiction or to know they can fall back on in the event they relapse again. Harsh words, I know, but I learned that all the hard way.
I know it's hard to take your heart out of this but you have to look at it pragmatically, logically, rationally. You have to be cold to some extent. How much do you want to sacrifice of yourself to rescue a damsel in distress who may potentially subject you to 10x the distress she's currently experiencing?
Maybe I am biased because I am just out of a horrifically abusive relationship with an addict and I'm at the stage now where I'm not just sad but also extremely angry. But seriously, in any relationship, you have to think about yourself FIRST, your own well-being, and only then can you really love. Please don't fall victim to this and trap yourself in the nightmare of addiction to another person.
You're fortunate in the sense that you already knew about this from the get go - many of us do not have that luxury and instead are in relationships with addicts who hide their addictions to the best of their ability, up until they've snagged you and you feel like there is no way out. However, it seems like, based on what you've typed, you're already pretty much in the deep end with this woman. I feel bad for you because I really do know how that feels. You love and care for someone so much, you so desperately want them to change, to be a better person and yet... realistically, that's not very likely to happen.
In my opinion, any addict who is actively using or in rehab/recovery has absolutely no business being in a relationship. It's one thing if you've truly recovered and distanced yourself from substance use, cut ties with old contacts, and are otherwise leading a completely different life from when you were using (and it can't be just a few weeks or months.. it can take years!) To me, any addict who gets in a relationship during this time is not looking for a loving relationship so much as they are looking for a crutch to sustain their addiction or to know they can fall back on in the event they relapse again. Harsh words, I know, but I learned that all the hard way.
I know it's hard to take your heart out of this but you have to look at it pragmatically, logically, rationally. You have to be cold to some extent. How much do you want to sacrifice of yourself to rescue a damsel in distress who may potentially subject you to 10x the distress she's currently experiencing?
Maybe I am biased because I am just out of a horrifically abusive relationship with an addict and I'm at the stage now where I'm not just sad but also extremely angry. But seriously, in any relationship, you have to think about yourself FIRST, your own well-being, and only then can you really love. Please don't fall victim to this and trap yourself in the nightmare of addiction to another person.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Welcome to SR. I'm glad you found this forum.
When reading your story I saw a lot of red flags. Daily marijuana use and social drinking does not equal recovery in my opinion. It sounds like you are in a relationship with an active addict. Keep reading and maybe consider attending something like al anon to get a feel for what living with addiction is like.
You are fresh out of an "ugly divorce" and she is fresh out of rehab. Sounds like a lot for a new relationship.
I've no doubt that she loves her daughter. However I'm not sure daily marijuana use and moving in with a guy you met 3 months ago means you are putting your child first. I don't mean too sound so negative. Going to rehab and getting a job are admirable first steps but there is a long road ahead.
My best advice is learn all you can about addiction. Living with it in any capacity is a challenge to say the least. Good luck.
When reading your story I saw a lot of red flags. Daily marijuana use and social drinking does not equal recovery in my opinion. It sounds like you are in a relationship with an active addict. Keep reading and maybe consider attending something like al anon to get a feel for what living with addiction is like.
You are fresh out of an "ugly divorce" and she is fresh out of rehab. Sounds like a lot for a new relationship.
I've no doubt that she loves her daughter. However I'm not sure daily marijuana use and moving in with a guy you met 3 months ago means you are putting your child first. I don't mean too sound so negative. Going to rehab and getting a job are admirable first steps but there is a long road ahead.
My best advice is learn all you can about addiction. Living with it in any capacity is a challenge to say the least. Good luck.
Last edited by Catherine628; 12-21-2014 at 12:37 PM. Reason: spelling
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