Resentful of HIS recovery?

Old 08-05-2004, 05:53 PM
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Resentful of HIS recovery?

I know this topic has come and gone but I need a little help... My AH is now 35 days clean but I am still struggling. He is doing great and I can see such a difference in him but I still feel that I have not gotten as far. I understand that he is new to recovery and he wants to do the 90 meetings in 90 days. My problem is that I still have TOTAL repsonsibility for EVERYTHING so he can get the help he needs! But I will say that he has definately been better at taking responsibilities around the house- for the first time in 9 years!! And here I am right now at home with the kids while he is at a meeting (which I am happy for, don't get me wrong!) I just wonder...when will I be able to take care of what I need to do? He can't watch the kids at night so I can go b/c he has meetings. And with that the only time I have been able to go to an Al Anon meeting is when I should be at work! I have been able to go 3 times but it is not ideal. I would rather go at night so I can get ME time.

I guess I am looking for is advice on how you all have approached the beginning of recovery. Sometimes I get so angry b/c I can see that he is doing well but I still feel trapped and I am resentful that I am not able to go and get support. He does say to me that I should go to a meeting- he has really enjoyed AA- and he knows Al Anon would be great for me...but WHEN???
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Old 08-05-2004, 06:04 PM
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((gabigoo)) It's just my humble opinion, but your recovery is as important as his is. I am glad he is sober and activly working on his recovery, that is awesome. Your obviously and rightfully frustrated because his recovery is hindering yours. Is there any way to compromise a little? Do any of the meetings have babysitting? Is there family on either side that could help with the kids? You need your "Me" time. It is essential to your recovery. Talk to your spouse about how you feel, get it out in the open,we all know what happens when you bottle it up. Hang in there, send a lil message to your HP, see what happens. Hugs, Teggie
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Old 08-06-2004, 05:18 AM
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I agree with what Teggie said 100%. You need to communicate and also compromise. Maybe you guys can have designated days. And for him, since he is required to make 90 in 90, can't he go at his lunch? That way you both can get there. Maybe you both can take the kids to the meetings. I know that is frustrating at times. Also, maybe consider starting a new meeting that has babysitting. There is a couple in my Thursday meeting that bring their baby. They switch caring during the meeting. Just some more suggestions.
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Old 08-06-2004, 06:54 AM
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Well I just let my Husband go to as many meetings as he wanted for 20 years and it came back later and bit me in the butt so to speak. Having said that, I think for the first 90 days it is extremely important that the alcoholic get in as many meetings as possible. You can talk to him about you needs but at this point his needs should come first. He is sicker than you and you have so much to gain forn his staying sober. after 90 days though, he needs to compromise. I highly recomend you go with him to some open AA meetings. Stay atuned to his recovery as well as yours. Don't make the mistake of each of you working so hard on your individual recovery, your relationship suffers. My children were 4 and 7 at the time but I was not working so I was able to make some alanon meetings. Although after my husband stayed sober awhile I cut back. dax
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Old 08-06-2004, 07:03 AM
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I was jealous of my husbands recovery until I started focussing on my own. When I decided to begin filling my life with my own meetings, friends, activities, and start my own healing process, I stopped focussing on my husband for my happiness. Whether they are drinking or not, they cannot make us happy. I am responsible for my own health, happiness, and serenity. It was hard to seperate my life from others, but Al-Anon provided me with direction and tools to heal myself instead of looking to someone else to fix me. Hugs, Magic
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Old 08-06-2004, 02:03 PM
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Your recovery is critical toward your developing some sort of peace within. You might find a meeting that has an AA/Al-Anon meeting at the same time, like the one in Moorstown tonight and get someone to watch your kids for an hour. Last time I was at that meeting I saw someone bring her young (about 7-8y) son. She left him in an open nearby meeting room with some coloring. He was fine for that hour.
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Old 08-22-2004, 09:19 AM
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Does this ring true for anyone?

The Provocatrix
The third character in this act is the key person in the play, the wife or mother of the alcoholic, the person in his life who is the center of the alcoholic's home. Usually it is the wife, and we are aware of the fact that this person is a veteran at this role and has played it much longer than the other characters in the act. For lack of a better term, we may call this woman the Provocatrix, or the provoker. She is provoked by the occurrence of drinking episodes, but she holds the family together despite the disrupting factors of alcoholism. In turn, she becomes the source of provocation, and controls, coerces, adjusts, never gives up, never gives in, never lets go but never forgets. The attitude of the alcoholic is one that allows failure on his part, but she must never fail him. He is free to do as he pleases, but she must do exactly what he tells her. She must be at home when he arrives, if he arrives.

Another name for this character might be the Compensator, for she is constantly adjusting to every crisis produced by alcoholism and compensates for everything that goes wrong within the home and marriage. In addition to the roles of wife, housekeeper and possibly earning part of the bread, she becomes nurse, doctor and counselor. She cannot play these roles without injury to herself and to her husband. Yet everything in our present society conditions the wife to play the role of Provocatrix. If she does not play it, she goes against what society conceives the role of wife to be. No matter what the alcoholic does, he ends up "at home," for this is where everyone goes when there is no other place to go.

Act two is now played out in full. The alcoholic in his helpless condition has been rescued put back on the job and restored as a member of the family. This reclothes him in the costume of a responsible adult. It has, however, increased his dependency because the consequences of drinking were removedby others and the entire mess cleaned up by persons other than the one who made it. The painful consequences of drinking were suffered by persons other than the drinker, which permits drinking to be a very real problem-solving device of the alcoholic. Drinking removed the psychic pain, and the persons in act two removed the painful consequences episode

this is from the below Pernell thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...=&threadid=2168

Another thought....Gagiboo there are RCA meetings as well. You will see loving veteran couples who have survived the travails you are traversing....

Sunday nights there is one At Kennedy Hospital in Stratford NJ.
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