New here, drug abuser not sure where to start
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 303
New here, drug abuser not sure where to start
Hi all this is my first time ever seriously reaching out to anyone about my problem and desire to quit using. I'm 23 now and since 18 years old I've been using opiates(my drug of choice) off and on, quitting for up to 4 months only to go back. Well when I was 18 I remember being worried in 5 years i'd have changed nothing about myself and that I'd fall behind in life because of how I am. Well now 5 years later I'm basically still in the same boat, although just last year I started back in school and it's been going along slowly, but not too bad. I have talked to friends about it, but they are all users of something too and it never did much for me talking to them. My family knows I act out sometimes, but they are unaware of a lot that goes on and have no clue what drugs I do because none of them have experience with it. They always thought I just had a bad temper. This has really gotten me to think I want more than this, I want to be happy, free of all mind-altering drugs. I'm tired of ruining relationships, fighting with friends and family, spending ridiculous amounts of money, etc. Every bad thing that I can think of that has happened over the last few years has been a result of drug use in some way. I've also abused about every other drug you could imagine to try and fill the hole opiates leave when I couldn't get any. I would like to meet new people and have a relationship one day, along with plans for a career, but with how crazy my mood swings can be while using, I can almost guarantee if I don't quit for good, anything I start will end badly.
So right now I am 6 days off any opiate, but in that time I smoked weed. I have used a lot off and on based on when it was convenient, so my withdrawals were never extreme, but still not fun, I get very depressed, irritable, emotional, etc. Every time I'd quit(including now) I have resorted to weed as my crutch. I want to break this habit though with today being the first day, but it has felt near impossible for me to stop smoking. I am diagnosed ADHD and tend to get very bored, very easily. Sometimes I think there is nothing in particular I want to do because I seem to change all of my goals, habits, hobbies on a weekly/monthly basis. I can go all day without smoking, but by the time the night comes it kills all of my willpower. I really enjoy weight lifting it's something I've done for years, but opiates throw me off a lot. With weed I can still work out with results though so I tend to rationalize in my head that weed is okay. I have separated myself from users and dealers, which helps staying off, but there is always a point in the past where I came across something and I figured eh why not and it just spirals from there. I want to be able to get past that and stay past it. Also I have not one sober friend, they all do something even if it's just smoking weed. So I tend to be alone a lot of times if I want to avoid temptations. Boredom is the killer, I feel the constant need for excitement and something to do and I've tried as many suggestions as I could, but everything feels dull and uninteresting. Being alone all day with nothing to do just makes it that much worse, getting bored and thinking of using non-stop. I can't manage to get a job either because I can't pass a drug test and the places that don't drug test tend to have a lot of drug abusers that I want to stay away from. I also don't have any references for a job so they are always wondering what I've done for the last few years(I've burned all my bridges at old jobs). Anything I do feels like a trigger to use, after class I get the unbearable urge to smoke, I like socializing and being out, but it also takes a lot out of me to talk to people and do things so I feel that need to relax afterwards by using something(smoke if nothing else). Life is just starting to feel like a big circle that I keep going in and it's really exhausting. I get jealous of how easily people seem to go about their daily lives when everything feels like such a chore for me. I need a change in my life the ups and downs are driving me crazy.
I have a lot on my mind right now and it's hard to organize my thoughts-they tend to be all over the place as you can see, so that is all for now, I'm sure I will think of something later. Thanks for reading and sorry for the wall of text. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
So right now I am 6 days off any opiate, but in that time I smoked weed. I have used a lot off and on based on when it was convenient, so my withdrawals were never extreme, but still not fun, I get very depressed, irritable, emotional, etc. Every time I'd quit(including now) I have resorted to weed as my crutch. I want to break this habit though with today being the first day, but it has felt near impossible for me to stop smoking. I am diagnosed ADHD and tend to get very bored, very easily. Sometimes I think there is nothing in particular I want to do because I seem to change all of my goals, habits, hobbies on a weekly/monthly basis. I can go all day without smoking, but by the time the night comes it kills all of my willpower. I really enjoy weight lifting it's something I've done for years, but opiates throw me off a lot. With weed I can still work out with results though so I tend to rationalize in my head that weed is okay. I have separated myself from users and dealers, which helps staying off, but there is always a point in the past where I came across something and I figured eh why not and it just spirals from there. I want to be able to get past that and stay past it. Also I have not one sober friend, they all do something even if it's just smoking weed. So I tend to be alone a lot of times if I want to avoid temptations. Boredom is the killer, I feel the constant need for excitement and something to do and I've tried as many suggestions as I could, but everything feels dull and uninteresting. Being alone all day with nothing to do just makes it that much worse, getting bored and thinking of using non-stop. I can't manage to get a job either because I can't pass a drug test and the places that don't drug test tend to have a lot of drug abusers that I want to stay away from. I also don't have any references for a job so they are always wondering what I've done for the last few years(I've burned all my bridges at old jobs). Anything I do feels like a trigger to use, after class I get the unbearable urge to smoke, I like socializing and being out, but it also takes a lot out of me to talk to people and do things so I feel that need to relax afterwards by using something(smoke if nothing else). Life is just starting to feel like a big circle that I keep going in and it's really exhausting. I get jealous of how easily people seem to go about their daily lives when everything feels like such a chore for me. I need a change in my life the ups and downs are driving me crazy.
I have a lot on my mind right now and it's hard to organize my thoughts-they tend to be all over the place as you can see, so that is all for now, I'm sure I will think of something later. Thanks for reading and sorry for the wall of text. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Welcome to SR Jimt91 youl find a lot of support here bud
Nice to meet you i myself am nearly 4 years clean from cocaine
i have been sober from alcohol for 17 months now im 32 and you now have a sober friend
your going to find a lot more sober friends here
this is a great site for advice help support & guidance
Well done on day 6 and please know your no longer alone
thank you for reaching out your doing the right thing bud
Nice to meet you i myself am nearly 4 years clean from cocaine
i have been sober from alcohol for 17 months now im 32 and you now have a sober friend
your going to find a lot more sober friends here
this is a great site for advice help support & guidance
Well done on day 6 and please know your no longer alone
thank you for reaching out your doing the right thing bud
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 192
Hey, Jim. Thanks for posting. I mean that sincerely; it benefitted me personally because I feel connected to a lot of what you've said. I remember having a lot of that same internal dialogue before committing fully to my sobriety, and still do pretty often (I'm 66 days sober today, so nowhere near the level of experience of some of these incredible people).
I also have been quite committed weight lifting. I also would label boredom as one of (if not the) biggest trigger for me to break my sobriety. I also needed to commit to breaking my addiction to follow the professional path that I wanted to. I'm also very reflective and spend a lot of time putting my thoughts together (I would call this a good thing).
Well, I don't mean to overwhelm you with text, so I'll try to limit my post. I also don't mean to assume a single thing about your own unique experience, but if I am drawing an appropriate similarity between you and myself at perhaps slightly different times in our lives, then I think it's reasonable for me to share that I benefitted greatly from taking inventory of my life and rationally concluding that abstaining from my addiction is the right decision. I sincerely compared the positives and negatives of my prospective sober life to my non-sober life, and only after making my decision to genuinely commit to sobriety did I start to think about strategies for putting that into action.
Anyways, sorry again for the long reply. I wish you the best, my friend.
I also have been quite committed weight lifting. I also would label boredom as one of (if not the) biggest trigger for me to break my sobriety. I also needed to commit to breaking my addiction to follow the professional path that I wanted to. I'm also very reflective and spend a lot of time putting my thoughts together (I would call this a good thing).
Well, I don't mean to overwhelm you with text, so I'll try to limit my post. I also don't mean to assume a single thing about your own unique experience, but if I am drawing an appropriate similarity between you and myself at perhaps slightly different times in our lives, then I think it's reasonable for me to share that I benefitted greatly from taking inventory of my life and rationally concluding that abstaining from my addiction is the right decision. I sincerely compared the positives and negatives of my prospective sober life to my non-sober life, and only after making my decision to genuinely commit to sobriety did I start to think about strategies for putting that into action.
Anyways, sorry again for the long reply. I wish you the best, my friend.
AlmA
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Marbella Spain
Posts: 714
JIM,
There is a way out!
Your head is too mess up right now and you can not think straight!!!
The important is that you have realized this is not the life you want!
You know you have a Big Problem!
And you want to do something about it!!!
You are in the right direction!!!
If you can not do it alone then you need to get HELP, with family, clinic or go to NA,
NA is very positive for many people, please try it, ask someone to a company you if you are scared, they will help you as soon as you cross the door...
It it helps you:
At 22 I moved country cos I was so stoned I did not know were I was going...
When I got there one way ticket and 40 pounds in my pocket, did not speak English and I got a job in a kitchen...on top I suddenly I was awake... what the hell I was doing there??? ... and I got through University and am back with a good job and home. The friends I left behind are still users... and some are now not well in the head...SAD
Maybe you need to move, to another city and start from Zero from scratch, new friends, environment and study what you like.
Your are so young you got many positives experiences in front of you.
You just not know yet, there is more than getting stoned you just have not found out!
Coming to SR will help you tones...
You will learn and have support here any time you need or you feel you can not cope!
Hope you find a way to get through the mist...!!!
There is a way out!
Your head is too mess up right now and you can not think straight!!!
The important is that you have realized this is not the life you want!
You know you have a Big Problem!
And you want to do something about it!!!
You are in the right direction!!!
If you can not do it alone then you need to get HELP, with family, clinic or go to NA,
NA is very positive for many people, please try it, ask someone to a company you if you are scared, they will help you as soon as you cross the door...
It it helps you:
At 22 I moved country cos I was so stoned I did not know were I was going...
When I got there one way ticket and 40 pounds in my pocket, did not speak English and I got a job in a kitchen...on top I suddenly I was awake... what the hell I was doing there??? ... and I got through University and am back with a good job and home. The friends I left behind are still users... and some are now not well in the head...SAD
Maybe you need to move, to another city and start from Zero from scratch, new friends, environment and study what you like.
Your are so young you got many positives experiences in front of you.
You just not know yet, there is more than getting stoned you just have not found out!
Coming to SR will help you tones...
You will learn and have support here any time you need or you feel you can not cope!
Hope you find a way to get through the mist...!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,384
Welcome jimt91 
I'm glad you found us - I identify as an alcoholic but I had just as much trouble with weed.
You're wise to see it as a problem too, IMO.
we have a marijuana sub forum here if you want to check it out and chat with others who are quitting or have quit weed
NEW! Marijuana Addiction - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I'm glad you found us - I identify as an alcoholic but I had just as much trouble with weed.
You're wise to see it as a problem too, IMO.
we have a marijuana sub forum here if you want to check it out and chat with others who are quitting or have quit weed
NEW! Marijuana Addiction - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 303
Thank you all it means a lot. It's a bit overwhelming imagining being clean for a long period of time, I've done it for months, but I tend to be an extremely in-the-moment and emotionally driven person that it is hard to think straight if the temptation is strong. I basically smoke weed in order to not think about using opiates because at least with weed I don't have severe mood swings. I'm not excusing using weed and definitely want it to stop, but I think the reason it's easier to switch opiates for weed is because there are less noticeable problems. When I'm on the dope my friends and family know there is something wrong with me, but I can hide everything and seem normal when I'm just using marijuana.
It helps reading experiences on here because I can relate a lot. I've been around a lot of addicts and lost friends to drugs and can point out the signs in myself and other people people going down that path. The thing that gets me(especially while I'm bored doing nothing) is sometimes I really believe that it's just who I am to be a screw up and that overpowers my willpower to stay off. I tend to get get really angry at happy people out of jealousy. Sometimes I feel like I just hate people that are happy so I tend to hang around other people with issues rather than well-off, "happy" people because they just seem lame to me and I can't relate at all. In fact some people I know are like that and will smoke recreationally. Anytime I've smoked with them I will even get mad when they seem to be enjoying it too much. This is because I do it in order to relax, I feel like I HAVE to do it and other people do it for fun and can control their habit with no issues. I know this is all just jealousy because I'm miserable, but it's really hard to shake that mindset. Anyone I talk to that has a reasonable, sober mind can't relate at all. I've talked to my "good" friends that I only know out of family relations and they will downplay something horrible im feeling with a relatively minor issue they have been going through(example, i'm so depressed i don't leave my room for days at a time, so they might just say ahhh yeah I felt tired waking up for my career job today). I'm glad they're doing well(and i know they care about me), but that is so frustrating it makes me not want to talk to anyone. The only people that can relate in a meaningful way are people that also have issues and will trigger me to use.
An important thing I need is something to belong to. Everything I do feels so meaningless, I wonder why do I weight lift I'm not currently into a sport what's the use. Why do I do anything really, seems like nothing has helped to change my patterns.
Anyway Thanks again everyone, it's good to see so many people willing to help.
It helps reading experiences on here because I can relate a lot. I've been around a lot of addicts and lost friends to drugs and can point out the signs in myself and other people people going down that path. The thing that gets me(especially while I'm bored doing nothing) is sometimes I really believe that it's just who I am to be a screw up and that overpowers my willpower to stay off. I tend to get get really angry at happy people out of jealousy. Sometimes I feel like I just hate people that are happy so I tend to hang around other people with issues rather than well-off, "happy" people because they just seem lame to me and I can't relate at all. In fact some people I know are like that and will smoke recreationally. Anytime I've smoked with them I will even get mad when they seem to be enjoying it too much. This is because I do it in order to relax, I feel like I HAVE to do it and other people do it for fun and can control their habit with no issues. I know this is all just jealousy because I'm miserable, but it's really hard to shake that mindset. Anyone I talk to that has a reasonable, sober mind can't relate at all. I've talked to my "good" friends that I only know out of family relations and they will downplay something horrible im feeling with a relatively minor issue they have been going through(example, i'm so depressed i don't leave my room for days at a time, so they might just say ahhh yeah I felt tired waking up for my career job today). I'm glad they're doing well(and i know they care about me), but that is so frustrating it makes me not want to talk to anyone. The only people that can relate in a meaningful way are people that also have issues and will trigger me to use.
An important thing I need is something to belong to. Everything I do feels so meaningless, I wonder why do I weight lift I'm not currently into a sport what's the use. Why do I do anything really, seems like nothing has helped to change my patterns.
Anyway Thanks again everyone, it's good to see so many people willing to help.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 598
Hi Jim, welcome
Opiates were also my DOC, so I can really relate to what you have said. In particular:
I also am an immediate reward kind of person, I think most of us addicts are. The thought of "never again" was also so scary to me. I just could not look that far ahead. Then a member here told me, "give it 30 days then reassess". And that's just what I did. Over and over again. I am now 5 months clean.
You can do this - you are so young and have your life ahead of you. Don't be like me....41 years old and wondering where the last 20 years of my life went. It's a miserable place to be and you have a chance to leave this all behind you as a blip in your past and live a wonderful life, addiction free.
Check out the substance abuse forum as well....you will see you are not alone in this battle. Just keep doing what you are doing...I know how hard it is but it's worth the fight
Opiates were also my DOC, so I can really relate to what you have said. In particular:
Originally Posted by jimt91 
It's a bit overwhelming imagining being clean for a long period of time, I've done it for months, but I tend to be an extremely in-the-moment and emotionally driven person that it is hard to think straight if the temptation is strong.
You can do this - you are so young and have your life ahead of you. Don't be like me....41 years old and wondering where the last 20 years of my life went. It's a miserable place to be and you have a chance to leave this all behind you as a blip in your past and live a wonderful life, addiction free.
Check out the substance abuse forum as well....you will see you are not alone in this battle. Just keep doing what you are doing...I know how hard it is but it's worth the fight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 303
thank you guys, I'm not giving up on this, but I have to admit I got worked up over wondering how I'm going to get a job and let my negative thoughts about myself take hold and I went out and got stuff tonight. Not feeling that great about it right now. I also got into a fight with my roommate. I have trouble trusting people that are friendly to me because I can't imagine who would want to deal with me. I feel like I deserve to be alone because no one deserves my mood swings.
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