shakeitoff

I am new to this forum and would like to start by thanking everyone for sharing their stories. I have spent time looking through the forum and for the first time i feel like I am not alone.

My AH feels that he is not an alcoholic and I am a crazy, nagging bi&&h for ever bringing up his drinking. He holds a job and is a productive member of society. However 3-4 nights a week he has to go to the bar. Which okay if you have a drink or two, but he has to have a minimum of 8 or more. Even if he is only there for an hour- he will down 6+ beers. I do not think this is normal. He sees no issue driving after this. He is an aggressive drunk- meaning his personality. He picks fight with me or anyone- people on FB etc. I dread going out with friends because I never know how aggressive and embarrassing he will get.

I have learned to just ignore him or play nice. That prevents him from getting nasty with me. My issue is we have an almost 3 year old. He gets aggressive in his play with her. She has begun to avoid him and clings to me when he drinks. She tells me she doesn't like daddy- which breaks my heart when sober he is an awesome father.

He blames his drinking on me and tells me all the time when drunk that he doesn't want to be with me and I am no fun and am ruining our lives. Honestly I am not as fun as I used to be. I don't like going out with him because he had no control and I feel like I have to babysit him. I tried to hide his drinking from family and friends- but that is getting old because I am tired of feeling crazy.

I am sorry for the rambling but I am wondering has anyone been in a situation where there spouse appears to be the perfect man- but you believe he has a major problem?

CodeJob

Welcome Shakeitoff,

That is sad to hear your child is pulling away from her A father. Can't fool kids. You play the game, be nice, try to control situations - but your kid sees the truth.

I usually suggest Codependent No More, but you know your H has a problem. He is functional, but I bet his anger is escalating and that is why you are here. Definitely read gaslighting and blaming (blame shifting) on this web link.

Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders

Please be careful. Consider a safety escape plan. Holidays can be a trigger time. He sounds like someone willing to swing out and start getting abusive - and it will be you.

SeriousKarma

Uh... Yep.

But I kinda think maybe people can see through it better than we think they can. I suspect if I were to go back and interview past co-workers of my STBXAH they'd have a few stories to tell.

Shakeitoff, you have come to the right place. I'm so glad you've joined us here. It really is empowering and comforting to be in the presence of people who understand.

It really doesn't matter what he or anybody else thinks. If you have a problem with his drinking then it's a problem for you. We get it.

I'm sorry about your daughter. I know you say he's an awesome father when sober, but realistically speaking, if he's drinking 3-4 nights a week that doesn't leave much awesome time. It sounds like she's reacting to that.

Do you feel safe around him?

shakeitoff

Thank you for the feedback.

He is verbally abusive but not physically. I do feel safe around him because I have learned to take my daughter to her room and play with her or get her ready for bed and he goes and passes out. If he is really housed I sleep in the guest room and just have to worry about him peeing places in the house!

Sadly his secret Santa at work has given him beer, a beer stein, a bottle opener... So his love of drinking is well known... But I am not sure people would think he has a problem.

His drinking can be cyclical. Some weeks he needs to go 3-4 times a week to the bar. Other times only weekly. The strangest change is he used to go and meet friends to drink. Now he just goes to a bar by himself because he says they have better beer and his friends don't want to change bars.

Katchie

Big hugs... I know you're scared, sad, and all the other emotions rolled into one. Protect yourself and your daughter; the two of you should be #1 priority over all else including your alcoholic husband. Read, read, read, and if you haven't already, look into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or any other support system you can rally around yourself. The ladies above have given you excellent advice and I'm sure more will come -- you truly have come to the right place!

daisy6234

this site is a wealth of information and support! Hugs to you as you go through this.

mistory5

Video him when he's drunk playing with your daughter than innocently show it to him when he's not drinking. I am an alcoholic. Trust me hearing yourself on tape or seeing yourself on video drunk especially being mean sticks with u. I was cussing my mom out drunk one night and didn't realize my phone was recording me ( fell between the cushions). The next day I was listening to my voice mail and was like what he11 is this on my cell. I then realized it was me being verbally abusive slurring not making any sense. Now mind u I didn't stop drinking right away but I really started thinking and really looking at how I changed into a demon when I drank. I started trying to get sober yes I failed every couple of weeks but I kept listening to that vm. I saved it. But the deal breaker was when the last time I drank I couldn't stand drinking and wanted to commit suicide. I just didn't want to live with my drunk self and hurting the ones I love anymore. I made the choice to do whatever it takes to sincerely work on getting sober. I needed to hear that vm. We don't see or most times remember what others see hear and remember when we are drunk. Not making excuses. I wish someone had of videotaped me and showed to me.

shakeitoff

Mistory5

I have been tempted many times to record him. I have been afraid of his reaction after. When he drinks he expects the next day that anything he said or did is swept under the rug. We don't harp on it- or he stays a jerk. He is not good hungover.

It's like he knows he's wrong but too embarrassed or too much of an ass to admit. Four nights ago he took my sick child to the bar so he could have a drink cause he was stressed. It took him 4 days and only when I got really angry at him for him to admit that was a poor choice.

lillamy

I read this and actually laughed and wanted to say, "WELCOME TO THE CLUB!!!"
A whole lot of us have been there. With the drunk spouse, with the accusations of being a nagging witch with a capital B, with the questioning whether he's right... because we're no longer sure of our own perceptions. It's no laughing matter -- it's hell to live in -- but yeah, you put it so clearly and succinctly!

Most of the time when new people come here, I suggest Al-Anon meetings and learning about alcoholism. The more I read of your post, the more I felt a lump in my throat. Your daughter is afraid of her father, and he's verbally abusive. I have to tell you, that hits home with me in ways that make my heart hurt.

I was married to an alcoholic for 20 years. We've been divorced for a few years. The kids aren't alright. The kids may never be alright, but they'll be better than if I had stayed with their father.

Here's sort of how I think about it: Adults can do whatever they please -- stay, leave, whatever. It's trickier when you have a child. You are right now the only secure person this little girl has. And that gives you a pretty serious responsibility.

I didn't take my responsibility. I didn't defend my kids the way I should have. They endured a whole lot of abuse -- the verbal and emotional, I saw; the physical came later, behind my back. But they are hurting. And I'm still working on forgiving myself for putting their father's needs of coddling and security ahead of theirs.

This raised red flags for me because of my own experience:
My ex would drink in upscale martini bars -- yuppie type hangouts. As his alcoholism progressed, he started drinking in bars closer to home, and finally, he drank on his own in the basement. I figured out that his upper class drinking buddies at the martini bar had told him he was going off the rails, so that's why he stopped drinking with them. I guess even the dive bars eventually had enough of him. At home, alone, he could drink until he passed out with no disturbances.

I'm not telling you to pack up and leave tonight. But I want you to know that if you're thinking "do I have the right to take my daughter away from her father" -- you absolutely have that right. Nobody should be forced to live with an actively drinking alcoholic.

ladyscribbler

Hugs to you and your DD. I probably could have written this same post a couple of years ago. My ex gets very aggressive when he drinks and has been banned from pretty much every drinking establishment in town. Of course it's not because he's an alcoholic. Obviously I'm crazy and overreacting (there's a lot of that going around apparently).
We also have a young son who like your daughter was scared of his father. My ex would start "play fighting" or "play wrestling" and carry it to the point of being dangerous.
Right before I left him my mom came to visit. My ex stayed up all night drinking and burst into the guest room where she and my son were. My son (he was 4) curled up in the fetal position and started shaking. He was terrified of his dad. My ex was stalking around the room snorting and grunting like a bull getting ready to charge.
I'm sorry to say that this isn't a situation that is going to improve with time. You've clearly seen that he cannot be trusted alone with your daughter. Even if he seems sober initially. I know my ex could go from zero to crazy drunk in less than an hour. That's not a safe environment for any child, let alone a tiny toddler. Please make other childcare arrangements or keep your daughter with you at all times.
If I had known what I know now, I wouldn't have waited around hoping for a miracle. I would have left much earlier than I did. He is still drinking and spiraling down. My kids and I live in peace and safety far away from his crazymaking.
Have you gotten any legal advice about your rights and responsibilities in this situation? He is clearly a danger to your daughter and my ex escalated from the exact behavior you describe to physical violence against me, which I thought would NEVER happen. Please protect yourself. Keep posting and know that we are here for you.

dandylion

shakitoff......I can see that the mother in you is worried about what effect this is having on your daughter. As any good mother would be..... Often, mothers will take action for their children that they wouldn't be able to do for themselves.
I also "hear" between the lines that you are scared. That is pretty normal for your situation, I would say.

You will find lots of support from others who have been in your exact shoes.

You probably feel that you have no options....but, if you are feeling that way....you will find that that is not actually true.

YOU do have options.

May I please ask....do you currently work outside the home? Is your husband the main breadwinner?......

I hope you hang around and continue to share with us.
You CAN get through this!

dandylion

marie1960

Verbally abusive men are not awesome fathers or husbands. EVER.

hopeful4

This.

If you read the posts around here 90% say what a great guy they are with if he would just not drink. The reality is, he is an alcoholic. This is WHO HE IS. Unless he comes to grips and climbs out of denial, and actually wants to do something about it, that is not likely to change.

I don't mean to be harsh. Your child is 3. She is already saying she does not like daddy. Children are a much better gage of who they are than we are. They see things much more objectively than we can.

I encourage you to read, read, and read some more on here. Keep posting. Don't isolate.

Tight Hugs.

Hangnbyathread

THIS RIGHT HERE!!!! Bravo for this. Many Recovering AC's would consider this abhorrent and cruel and harsh.

Then don't do it and we won't need to see it is my response to that. It is no less abhorrent, or cruel or harsh for us to be subjected to it. Why should we NOT be able to show you what you are?

I reached a point where I became embarrassed to be seen with my XAGF. She could go from fine to OMG what the hell happened in about 3 minutes. You never knew when that was going to happen.

But when she can't even remember it happening, you are left with trying to fight over something she wasn't even aware happened.

ajarlson

I didn't leave until my kids were adults. Same story, not physically abusive (that came later) and I thought I could shelter my kids from the worst of it. 3 out of 4 of my kids are now in counseling and on anti-depressants. One (26 year old daughter) is still very angry at me for staying so long. They all wish I had left him long ago while they still had some childhood left. Kids see more than you know, and feel deeper than you can imagine. My suggestion is to get into counseling and/or get to an alanon meeting. Sometimes we don't see the reality of what's happening because the situation has altered our perception of reality. These programs will keep your reality in check, and give you the tools to do what you need to do, whatever that may be. I wish you the best for you and your daughter.

NWGRITS

Not just this, but he seems to be drinking and driving. Is he driving with her in the car? I seriously hope that's not the case. He's not an awesome dad. An active alcoholic is incapable of being a good parent. It is an abusive environment that the child needs to be out of if you don't want to be paying for her therapy in a few years (I have first-hand experience as a child of an alcoholic). Or, God forbid, you want to be burying her when he drives drunk and his a tree or another vehicle. You'll find tons of help and resources here for yourself and your daughter. You're definitely in the right place.

kudzujean

That is clearly child abuse. Wonder if someone reported it to CPS.

shakeitoff

Kudzu jean

It's a restaurant bar- so no one reported him. His friends thinks it's awesome that he brings her. They are losers too.

Yes he does drive drunk. For the most part I can prevent her from being in the car with him. But how do you stop him from driving? I worry daily he is going to kill someone.

I want to attend a meeting but I have to find a place for my daughter. I can't leave her with him or he goes to the bar with her.

Last night he came home drunk and he has lost his new iPhone. I just want to tell him karma sucks cause if he had been at his daughters dance class with his family this would not have happened. So he just passed out.

ajarlson

This makes me so sad. For you, for her. Please trust all of us when we tell you that you can't change him or control him. Only he can do that and it sounds like he doesn't get it at all which means you have to take care of yourself. There must be a meeting where your precious child would be welcome. Take care of you and her. <hugs>

honeypig

Many meetings offer child care for a buck or two. If you don't have a meeting w/child care near you, you may be able to just bring her along. Alanon folks understand the situation you're in.