One Drink Changes Her- Mother Issues.
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One Drink Changes Her- Mother Issues.
My mother is an alcoholic. Has been ever since I can remember. I am 34 years old now, and the problems are just as strong as they have ever been.
When I confront her she tells me how much I 'hurt her feelings' when I tell her I can tell she is drunk. She never thinks she is drunk. She thinks she can drink a 1/3 of a bottle of vodka/gin/rum/etc... and nobody would know. Denial?
There is no stopping at one drink for this lady. One drink at noon leads to a passed out woman on the couch by 5pm. You can pretty much set your clock to that.
The thing is, I can tell when she has had just one drink. Seriously, just one. It affects her physiology. Sentence structure changes/slows down. Eyes droop. Her entire attitude differs. The worst part about this is that she doesn't think anyone can notice. And because she thinks nobody notices, she compulsively lies about it saying she hasn't had a single drink. If you push the issue she may admit to a small drink 'a few hours ago' but thats it.
She lies to my face, and it makes me mad. Hey mom, I've had 20+ years to figure out when you have had a drink.
She sneaks drinks too. I can't even remember the amount of times I have found cups (coffee cups, pint glasses, etc...) in random places through the house filled with random liquors. Under kitchen cabinets, in the back of the fridge, in computer drawers.
If there is anytime where I am bringing my mother to a social gathering (say visiting the in laws for dinner), I literally have to call the house once every two hours to check her condition. If I can tell she has had one drink I confront her and tell her it needs to stop or she is not coming. This is a finely tuned process developed over the years. I've made a lot of cancelled dinner excuses.
My father is a great guy but he drinks too. Thing is, he can control himself. I can't ever remember a situation where he has embarrassed me in front of friends/strangers/etc... He can control it.
Problem is when she drinks and I confront her on it, she hides behind him. He will claim that she only had a 'small one' and I shouldn't be so hard on her. 'Her mother was an alcoholic, she can't help it'. She knows he protects her so she used him as a shield. My dad is not stupid, but he is caught in the middle. At the end of the day he takes her side even though he has told me numerous times he knows she has a problem.
If we are at a social gathering and she is starting to drink too much, I try and slyly tell her to slow it down. Her reaction is to get loud and aggressive in front of others, in an attempt to embarrass me/get me to shut up and not bring attention to the situation. This of course totally ignores the fact that her intoxication brings attention all by itself.
I have two small children. She wants to spend time with them. I arrange days to bring them over and almost every time as soon as I walk in, I can tell she has had a drink. Maybe just one, but its there. And then the kids come home with me. And I am the bad guy. And this is in spite of repeated warnings that there is to be no drinking. Fun story here. My wife had a baby about a week ago. The night before we go in for the scheduled c-section, the plan was to bring mom and dad over to spend the night and then get up with our 2 year old and take care of her while we are at the hospital (had to be there at 6am). So 4pm the night of, I call to check on the situation and mom has passed out on the couch. She wakes long enough to talk to me and try to convoke me she hasn't had a single drink. I get pissed and tell her under no circumstances to come over. The thing is, I NEEDED her there. I convinced dad to come instead and although he is an excellent grandparent, he isn't exactly the diaper changer. Let down number 5000.
One time we were living in a different state and my mother was coming to visit us while my wife was pregnant with the first. I go to work and come home to find mom making dinner wasted. She found a bottle of vodka I had in the liquor cabinet and drank half of it. HALF!
She has admitted a few times that she has a problem. Even tried AA a couple of times back in 2008 (or so she says). Stayed sober for a while then fell back into same rhythm. And by a while, I'm estimating 2 months. (Regardless, I was impressed).
I have threatened, pleaded, reasoned with this woman and nothing has changed.
I have almost nobody to talk to this about. Dad is weak and tends to take her side. I try and avoid telling my wife all the terrible things because she will want to keep the kids away from mom. I know they can't be alone, but it kills me to think that they couldn't see her.
I am an only child. I am her only family.
I have dozens and dozens of stories I could tell but I don't have the energy to write them. I guess it just feels good to type this.
I do have a couple of questions I guess, although I think this was mainly just to vent.
1) Anyone else have a mother that did/does these things?
2) I think its coming to the point where I have to cut off the relationship. Thing is, dad goes with it and that feels almost impossible. WTF do I do?
P.S. You take alcohol out of the situation and my mother is the best/most generous/kind person you could ever meet. She does so many things right it is unbelievable. She has so much love to give. But the alcohol kills it.
When I confront her she tells me how much I 'hurt her feelings' when I tell her I can tell she is drunk. She never thinks she is drunk. She thinks she can drink a 1/3 of a bottle of vodka/gin/rum/etc... and nobody would know. Denial?
There is no stopping at one drink for this lady. One drink at noon leads to a passed out woman on the couch by 5pm. You can pretty much set your clock to that.
The thing is, I can tell when she has had just one drink. Seriously, just one. It affects her physiology. Sentence structure changes/slows down. Eyes droop. Her entire attitude differs. The worst part about this is that she doesn't think anyone can notice. And because she thinks nobody notices, she compulsively lies about it saying she hasn't had a single drink. If you push the issue she may admit to a small drink 'a few hours ago' but thats it.
She lies to my face, and it makes me mad. Hey mom, I've had 20+ years to figure out when you have had a drink.
She sneaks drinks too. I can't even remember the amount of times I have found cups (coffee cups, pint glasses, etc...) in random places through the house filled with random liquors. Under kitchen cabinets, in the back of the fridge, in computer drawers.
If there is anytime where I am bringing my mother to a social gathering (say visiting the in laws for dinner), I literally have to call the house once every two hours to check her condition. If I can tell she has had one drink I confront her and tell her it needs to stop or she is not coming. This is a finely tuned process developed over the years. I've made a lot of cancelled dinner excuses.
My father is a great guy but he drinks too. Thing is, he can control himself. I can't ever remember a situation where he has embarrassed me in front of friends/strangers/etc... He can control it.
Problem is when she drinks and I confront her on it, she hides behind him. He will claim that she only had a 'small one' and I shouldn't be so hard on her. 'Her mother was an alcoholic, she can't help it'. She knows he protects her so she used him as a shield. My dad is not stupid, but he is caught in the middle. At the end of the day he takes her side even though he has told me numerous times he knows she has a problem.
If we are at a social gathering and she is starting to drink too much, I try and slyly tell her to slow it down. Her reaction is to get loud and aggressive in front of others, in an attempt to embarrass me/get me to shut up and not bring attention to the situation. This of course totally ignores the fact that her intoxication brings attention all by itself.
I have two small children. She wants to spend time with them. I arrange days to bring them over and almost every time as soon as I walk in, I can tell she has had a drink. Maybe just one, but its there. And then the kids come home with me. And I am the bad guy. And this is in spite of repeated warnings that there is to be no drinking. Fun story here. My wife had a baby about a week ago. The night before we go in for the scheduled c-section, the plan was to bring mom and dad over to spend the night and then get up with our 2 year old and take care of her while we are at the hospital (had to be there at 6am). So 4pm the night of, I call to check on the situation and mom has passed out on the couch. She wakes long enough to talk to me and try to convoke me she hasn't had a single drink. I get pissed and tell her under no circumstances to come over. The thing is, I NEEDED her there. I convinced dad to come instead and although he is an excellent grandparent, he isn't exactly the diaper changer. Let down number 5000.
One time we were living in a different state and my mother was coming to visit us while my wife was pregnant with the first. I go to work and come home to find mom making dinner wasted. She found a bottle of vodka I had in the liquor cabinet and drank half of it. HALF!
She has admitted a few times that she has a problem. Even tried AA a couple of times back in 2008 (or so she says). Stayed sober for a while then fell back into same rhythm. And by a while, I'm estimating 2 months. (Regardless, I was impressed).
I have threatened, pleaded, reasoned with this woman and nothing has changed.
I have almost nobody to talk to this about. Dad is weak and tends to take her side. I try and avoid telling my wife all the terrible things because she will want to keep the kids away from mom. I know they can't be alone, but it kills me to think that they couldn't see her.
I am an only child. I am her only family.
I have dozens and dozens of stories I could tell but I don't have the energy to write them. I guess it just feels good to type this.
I do have a couple of questions I guess, although I think this was mainly just to vent.
1) Anyone else have a mother that did/does these things?
2) I think its coming to the point where I have to cut off the relationship. Thing is, dad goes with it and that feels almost impossible. WTF do I do?
P.S. You take alcohol out of the situation and my mother is the best/most generous/kind person you could ever meet. She does so many things right it is unbelievable. She has so much love to give. But the alcohol kills it.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
TOFT, I'm sorry about your family situation and i can see it's causing you anguish.
1.Fact number one is you can't stop your mother from drinking, and it's unlikely she'll ever have the incentive to stop while your father is taking the line of least resistance. My parents' drinking caused us a lot of anguish but still didn't stop them.
2. It's none of your business if she chooses to drink, except when it directly affects you e.g. when she's minding the children. Try hard not to get embarrassed, because nobody is placing any blame on you; she's the one humiliating herself. If you saw the mother of a friend drunk you wouldn't think the friend was responsible would you?
3. If you can accept that she's an alcoholic your focus changes to managing your expectations. Don't ever plan for her to mind the kids, be aware that if you're at the same social occasion she will probably get drunk, and decide if you want to go. Avoid occasions where she will be drinking. I can understand how you feel as my mother's personality changed after one drink, but others may not notice as much.
4. Stop pretending everything's ok and talk to your wife about how you feel, including that you want them to still be able to see the kids. With her help, come up with a plan for maybe breakfast meetings, or other times when she's not been drinking. Alternatively, explain to your AM that if she wants to see the children she needs to be sober when she meets them. If you know she's been drinking, cancel the date.
5. Given you can't stop your AM drinking, you can establish clear boundaries as to whether you will stay in her presence when she's been drinking. Stick to them religiously, and she'll soon learn you mean it, and if she wants to see her grandchildren, make the necessary adjustments. If she was a teenager we'd call it tough love.
6. Consider joining Al-anon where you will meet others who have been through similar situations and learnt how to survive them.
Good luck, don't suffer alone, there are many people here who have coped with alcoholic parents and will share their experiences.
1.Fact number one is you can't stop your mother from drinking, and it's unlikely she'll ever have the incentive to stop while your father is taking the line of least resistance. My parents' drinking caused us a lot of anguish but still didn't stop them.
2. It's none of your business if she chooses to drink, except when it directly affects you e.g. when she's minding the children. Try hard not to get embarrassed, because nobody is placing any blame on you; she's the one humiliating herself. If you saw the mother of a friend drunk you wouldn't think the friend was responsible would you?
3. If you can accept that she's an alcoholic your focus changes to managing your expectations. Don't ever plan for her to mind the kids, be aware that if you're at the same social occasion she will probably get drunk, and decide if you want to go. Avoid occasions where she will be drinking. I can understand how you feel as my mother's personality changed after one drink, but others may not notice as much.
4. Stop pretending everything's ok and talk to your wife about how you feel, including that you want them to still be able to see the kids. With her help, come up with a plan for maybe breakfast meetings, or other times when she's not been drinking. Alternatively, explain to your AM that if she wants to see the children she needs to be sober when she meets them. If you know she's been drinking, cancel the date.
5. Given you can't stop your AM drinking, you can establish clear boundaries as to whether you will stay in her presence when she's been drinking. Stick to them religiously, and she'll soon learn you mean it, and if she wants to see her grandchildren, make the necessary adjustments. If she was a teenager we'd call it tough love.
6. Consider joining Al-anon where you will meet others who have been through similar situations and learnt how to survive them.
Good luck, don't suffer alone, there are many people here who have coped with alcoholic parents and will share their experiences.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
2) I think its coming to the point where I have to cut off the relationship. Thing is, dad goes with it and that feels almost impossible. WTF do I do?
DS had hoped that his dad could pull it together and not drink once DGS came along. He was bitterly disappointed and sad to have set boundaries. My DIL is a no-nonsense person and together DS/DIL have pretty much cut off AH until he gets his act together.
They have expressed to both AH and I exactly what you have stated above--that they have essentially lost two grandparents in the deal.
From my perspective, I am 100% behind their boundaries. They are right to set them, and I think that their doing so has helped AH see another consequence of his drinking.
Right now, it does mean I have much less access to DGS than I normally would have, but I figure, that's my problem, not theirs. They have invited me to their house, without AH, and I have gone. They told us for Christmas that they will not come to our house, but we can stop by theirs IF AH is sober. Obviously, this is sad for me to not have the experience I had hoped for.. but I understand.
Their setting boundaries for AH has actually helped me view my situation more clearly. Codependents have to suffer the consequences of their actions, too. In an alcoholic marriage, you tend to wind up in a bubble where you think crazy is normal. Anything that can shake that up is helpful not only to your mom, but to your dad as well.
I am sorry you are facing this with your mom, and my son has told me that he has cried buckets over the disappointment he faces not being able to have AH be a true grandparent. DS never had a grandfather himself--both my father and AHs father died from alcoholism in their 40s, long before DS was born.
Stick to your guns. Consider going to Al-Anon. You can't control your mom, but it sounds like your instincts and boundaries are good ones.
PS: AH is now in detox and at the moment is interested in sobriety and I'm certain that DS's boundaries, as well as an email from DS explaining them, have played a part
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I've been in your father's shoes -- married to an A, trying to cover for the A at all turns, pretending it's not as bad as it is. Codependency is an ugly thing. It robs you of who you are as a person and your entire focus becomes the A and when and how much they're going to drink.
So... first, I'd like to say "don't become your father." What I did when my ex would drink to excess (after a few years in Al-Anon) was to let the A be responsible for the A. I stopped covering for him. I stopped taking him home from social gatherings when he makes a fool of himself. I stopped taking responsibility for him, and started protecting myself.
You not leaving the kids with you mom when she's drunk may be "being the bad guy" in her eyes. In my eyes, it's "protecting your children like any responsible parent should do." An A will never see things the way other healthy people see them -- they will only see how other people's actions affect them. Active alcoholics, in my experience, are about the most selfish creatures you'll ever encounter.
You can set boundaries. Just like you have (with action) when it comes to the kids not staying with grandma when grandma is drinking, you can set other boundaries. Like "I will not have my parents over to our house when Mom has been drinking." That's not giving her an ultimatum -- it's putting a fence around your own safety and well-being. That still gives your mom the freedom to choose as an adult what is more important to her, drinking or seeing her grandkids. It also gives your father the opportunity to say to her "TooOld won't let you come over because you're drunk, so I'm going over without you."
You have every right to do this. Your immediate family -- wife and kids -- is your biggest priority. You have a right to do what's best for your little tribe, regardless of how anyone else (including your parents, the President, and the Pope) feels about it.
So... first, I'd like to say "don't become your father." What I did when my ex would drink to excess (after a few years in Al-Anon) was to let the A be responsible for the A. I stopped covering for him. I stopped taking him home from social gatherings when he makes a fool of himself. I stopped taking responsibility for him, and started protecting myself.
You not leaving the kids with you mom when she's drunk may be "being the bad guy" in her eyes. In my eyes, it's "protecting your children like any responsible parent should do." An A will never see things the way other healthy people see them -- they will only see how other people's actions affect them. Active alcoholics, in my experience, are about the most selfish creatures you'll ever encounter.
You can set boundaries. Just like you have (with action) when it comes to the kids not staying with grandma when grandma is drinking, you can set other boundaries. Like "I will not have my parents over to our house when Mom has been drinking." That's not giving her an ultimatum -- it's putting a fence around your own safety and well-being. That still gives your mom the freedom to choose as an adult what is more important to her, drinking or seeing her grandkids. It also gives your father the opportunity to say to her "TooOld won't let you come over because you're drunk, so I'm going over without you."
You have every right to do this. Your immediate family -- wife and kids -- is your biggest priority. You have a right to do what's best for your little tribe, regardless of how anyone else (including your parents, the President, and the Pope) feels about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Wow, I feel for you. My mother is also an alcoholic but lives alone. I have a half brother but he lives across the country (accident? I think not) so she was calling me for everything once I moved back. I recently went no contact for my own sanity. It is astonishing how many people think that just because she gave birth to me I "owe" her something. I have been going to counseling, and it really helps. I would suggest it before making any decisions. The best advice the counselor gave me was to give myself permission to take the time I need to do whatever it is I decide. And in that time, give myself permission to make space and not call her back. It was a great way of looking at it, and in that time and space I discovered that I couldn't do the less contact, for me it was all or nothing as I discovered I didn't have the ability to not get sucked in (or maybe it's her gravitational force 
). It was a hard decision and if you go to the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum you'll see MANY more stories like mine. Either way, whatever you decide, give yourself the time and space to do it, and if you can see a counselor, I highly recommend it. Good luck.
). It was a hard decision and if you go to the Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents forum you'll see MANY more stories like mine. Either way, whatever you decide, give yourself the time and space to do it, and if you can see a counselor, I highly recommend it. Good luck.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and Welcome to SR! Keep posting, keep reading. This place has helped me so much and I hope it helps you too.
I can only say that I encourage you, for your own sanity, to keep a very firm boundary that she cannot drink around you or your children. It's sad, but it's a reality. I would also tell her if she drinks I would not be present in public w/her. And stick to this.
The reality is, you can not depend on her for anything or cater to it or you will lose your own sanity.
I am so sorry. We are here with you.
I can only say that I encourage you, for your own sanity, to keep a very firm boundary that she cannot drink around you or your children. It's sad, but it's a reality. I would also tell her if she drinks I would not be present in public w/her. And stick to this.
The reality is, you can not depend on her for anything or cater to it or you will lose your own sanity.
I am so sorry. We are here with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
If you search my threads/posts then you can see my story about almost losing my kids to the state because my AM was ********* while she was supposed to be babysitting them. I haven't talked to her since, and the kids will not see her again unless she chooses sobriety and maintains it for a year without a slip. That's my boundary for my children's safety and my sanity.
Children will not make an A quit drinking. Don't become deluded where these things are concerned. You can't make her quit drinking. What you can do is get help for yourself set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.
Children will not make an A quit drinking. Don't become deluded where these things are concerned. You can't make her quit drinking. What you can do is get help for yourself set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
Grits, I finally woke up when my mom got a DUI with my 14 year old in the car. It was so traumatizing for my baby, all those years I had protected the kids from the AXH and yet left them with her. That was the beginning of the no contact end I am at now. It is much harder going no contact with a parent than an ex spouse BTW.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by ajarlson 
Grits, I finally woke up when my mom got a DUI with my 14 year old in the car. It was so traumatizing for my baby, all those years I had protected the kids from the AXH and yet left them with her. That was the beginning of the no contact end I am at now. It is much harder going no contact with a parent than an ex spouse BTW.
This helps explain the decision really well. I'm not saying you have to cut off mom completely, but you'll have support here for whatever decisions you make.
Motherless by Choice | Katie Naum
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