Is he an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Is he an alcoholic?
Hi, I'm new on here and I was wondering if anyone could give me any insights as to my husband's behaviour.
He's always liked a drink, and would drink every other day or so, anything between 8 and 16 cans of Stella a night. If he didn't drink for more than 48 hours he would get very low and angry. It was hard dealing with him staying up all night and then sleeping in, as I felt ignored, and money was always tight, but we usually got on really well and he was mostly pretty upbeat whenever he drank. Occasionally (once every 6 months or so), he would get nasty when drunk and became verbally abusive & intimidating. I'd always deal with him by walking away and avoiding eye contact. After these episodes he would blame me and take a good few days to apologise. His excuse was always "but I was drunk". He used to promise to cut the drinking down but within a month he would be back to normal.
3 months ago a friend of mine came to visit. We all had a drink, I went to bed at 1am whilst they sat up drinking. I came downstairs looking for him at 5am & walked in on them having full sex on our sofa. Our kids were sleeping upstairs. I kicked both of them out and we are now separated. After buying a sports car, getting himself a flat, paying half the child support he should be, having flings with 2 or 3 other women and making suicide threats, my husband now wants to go to marriage guidance with me, saying that he has cut the drinking down to once a week. I've refused but I feel guilty for not working on my marriage. I know I am doing the right thing breaking up with him, but I don't feel it. I worry I am codependent and that I have been enabling him to drink. I know he loves me but is a very selfish man. I do love him but I have no respect for him. He says if he can just drink once a week then he is clearly not an alcoholic and he doesn't think anyone could stop drinking for the rest of their life. (When we split initially I demanded that he stop completely if he wanted me to even consider seeing a counsellor with him).
Sorry for long back story, but I just want to see if anyone has any insights- is he an alcoholic? I feel manipulated and suffocated and I am annoyed with myself at finding it so hard to be angry with him. Has anyone else been through anything like this?
He's always liked a drink, and would drink every other day or so, anything between 8 and 16 cans of Stella a night. If he didn't drink for more than 48 hours he would get very low and angry. It was hard dealing with him staying up all night and then sleeping in, as I felt ignored, and money was always tight, but we usually got on really well and he was mostly pretty upbeat whenever he drank. Occasionally (once every 6 months or so), he would get nasty when drunk and became verbally abusive & intimidating. I'd always deal with him by walking away and avoiding eye contact. After these episodes he would blame me and take a good few days to apologise. His excuse was always "but I was drunk". He used to promise to cut the drinking down but within a month he would be back to normal.
3 months ago a friend of mine came to visit. We all had a drink, I went to bed at 1am whilst they sat up drinking. I came downstairs looking for him at 5am & walked in on them having full sex on our sofa. Our kids were sleeping upstairs. I kicked both of them out and we are now separated. After buying a sports car, getting himself a flat, paying half the child support he should be, having flings with 2 or 3 other women and making suicide threats, my husband now wants to go to marriage guidance with me, saying that he has cut the drinking down to once a week. I've refused but I feel guilty for not working on my marriage. I know I am doing the right thing breaking up with him, but I don't feel it. I worry I am codependent and that I have been enabling him to drink. I know he loves me but is a very selfish man. I do love him but I have no respect for him. He says if he can just drink once a week then he is clearly not an alcoholic and he doesn't think anyone could stop drinking for the rest of their life. (When we split initially I demanded that he stop completely if he wanted me to even consider seeing a counsellor with him).
Sorry for long back story, but I just want to see if anyone has any insights- is he an alcoholic? I feel manipulated and suffocated and I am annoyed with myself at finding it so hard to be angry with him. Has anyone else been through anything like this?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hi Davina - welcome 
It's hard for anyone to judge anyone else's alcoholism - clearly though, your ex has some problems & alcohol is certainly playing a part in that.
I know I would find it impossible to stick to drink once a week and I strongly suspect. in the evidence here, it would be impossible for your ex too.
Listen to your gut.
Personally, my partner having sex with someone else on the sofa while I and the kids were upstairs would be a deal breaker for me, alcohol or not....and this guys done more than that.
Look after yourself and your kids
D
It's hard for anyone to judge anyone else's alcoholism - clearly though, your ex has some problems & alcohol is certainly playing a part in that.
I know I would find it impossible to stick to drink once a week and I strongly suspect. in the evidence here, it would be impossible for your ex too.
Listen to your gut.
Personally, my partner having sex with someone else on the sofa while I and the kids were upstairs would be a deal breaker for me, alcohol or not....and this guys done more than that.
Look after yourself and your kids
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well, I'm sorry you are going through this. It is hard and I don't wonder that you are hesitant to go back.
I don't know if your husband is an alcoholic. He is certainly a heavy drinker. Or abusing alcohol. But it doesn't matter so much how much he drinks and how often but what he does when he drinks and how that affects you and your children. If you don't like that he gets surly and abusive and has sex with other women, drunk or not (and it is NOT EVER an excuse for his boorish and unacceptable behavior). You don't owe him anything. Not even marriage counseling.
I'm an alcoholic but so is my husband. He behaved similarly to your husband for a long time and until I decided to say "I've had enough and I will not tolerate this anymore, you are out of here" nothing changed for me. You can't change your husband but you can decide what you are and are not willing to give. Only you get to decide what you are willing to accept. Set your boundaries and if one of them is no drinking whatsoever, at any time, then that is a boundary.
Stick on here. I really do suggest visiting the "friends and family of alcoholics" forum here on SR. I used to go there frequently when I was needing to figure out what I was going to do and needed support. The people on there are wonderful.
Good luck. It hurts but you will make the right decision for you.
I don't know if your husband is an alcoholic. He is certainly a heavy drinker. Or abusing alcohol. But it doesn't matter so much how much he drinks and how often but what he does when he drinks and how that affects you and your children. If you don't like that he gets surly and abusive and has sex with other women, drunk or not (and it is NOT EVER an excuse for his boorish and unacceptable behavior). You don't owe him anything. Not even marriage counseling.
I'm an alcoholic but so is my husband. He behaved similarly to your husband for a long time and until I decided to say "I've had enough and I will not tolerate this anymore, you are out of here" nothing changed for me. You can't change your husband but you can decide what you are and are not willing to give. Only you get to decide what you are willing to accept. Set your boundaries and if one of them is no drinking whatsoever, at any time, then that is a boundary.
Stick on here. I really do suggest visiting the "friends and family of alcoholics" forum here on SR. I used to go there frequently when I was needing to figure out what I was going to do and needed support. The people on there are wonderful.
Good luck. It hurts but you will make the right decision for you.
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Hey DavinaD- Welcome!
I think there's some hesitation with most of us when it comes to labeling a person as an alcoholic. However, I would suspect that even a 'lay person' could deduce that there might be a problem for somebody drinking 8 - 16 cans of Stella a night. I think the medical definition says nothing over two drinks a night, but again, that's really for the person drinking to decided for themselves.
I would also have to wonder on why he's trying to only put some limitations on his consumption, vs. stopping all together? It seems as if alcohol has already caused enough problems, so I would think he'd want to stop, if it's in fact not a problem.
I use to make similar arguments myself, although I knew all along that I had a problem. I think most people know when there's an issue, whether they admit it or not. I mean, have you ever seen a 'true non-alcoholic' ever have discussions about setting limitations, or defend themselves as to why they don't have a problem? I don't think I have.
There's another part of this site titled; "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" which might also offer some help. I think it's great that you've found your way here, and I hope that you can find the support to get things worked out with you and your husband, one way or another.
Lusher
I think there's some hesitation with most of us when it comes to labeling a person as an alcoholic. However, I would suspect that even a 'lay person' could deduce that there might be a problem for somebody drinking 8 - 16 cans of Stella a night. I think the medical definition says nothing over two drinks a night, but again, that's really for the person drinking to decided for themselves.
I would also have to wonder on why he's trying to only put some limitations on his consumption, vs. stopping all together? It seems as if alcohol has already caused enough problems, so I would think he'd want to stop, if it's in fact not a problem.
I use to make similar arguments myself, although I knew all along that I had a problem. I think most people know when there's an issue, whether they admit it or not. I mean, have you ever seen a 'true non-alcoholic' ever have discussions about setting limitations, or defend themselves as to why they don't have a problem? I don't think I have.
There's another part of this site titled; "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" which might also offer some help. I think it's great that you've found your way here, and I hope that you can find the support to get things worked out with you and your husband, one way or another.
Lusher
I hope you can move on with your life. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Haha don't worry, I read "gut".
Thank you for your responses, it's really helpful to have a different angle. The man is (usually) so charming and pleasant that I actually catch myself feeling sorry for him and start wondering if I am overreacting. Even his sister has contacted me, warning me not to take him back- shows how much some people can get into your head that even after that I still find myself wobbling when he starts trying to 'win me back'. (Not as romantic as it sounds when the grand gesture is an offer to dump the current girlfriend...)
I will visit the friends and family forum too, thank you :-)
Thank you for your responses, it's really helpful to have a different angle. The man is (usually) so charming and pleasant that I actually catch myself feeling sorry for him and start wondering if I am overreacting. Even his sister has contacted me, warning me not to take him back- shows how much some people can get into your head that even after that I still find myself wobbling when he starts trying to 'win me back'. (Not as romantic as it sounds when the grand gesture is an offer to dump the current girlfriend...)
I will visit the friends and family forum too, thank you :-)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: OZ
Posts: 2,055
I do love him but I have no respect for him
I get how you can love someone but not respect them...but I can not see how you can make a future with someone that you have no respect for....
I don't know how many hoops he will need to jump to prove to you that he is worthy of you or how long it would take to see he is worthy of your love...how do you forget or forgive him..
It sound like torture for both of you...albeit if he is willing to earn your respect back.
You sound like a strong woman and no one deserves his behaviour....personally it would be a deal breaker for me...
Is he an alcoholic, sounds like it.....being an alcoholic is not an excuse for his behaviour....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 21
Job done ... :-/ thanks for the replies though, they will help me not to let him make me feel guilty. I'm sure I can do better. Maybe next time I'll date a serial killer or something... :P (joke!)
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