Freaking out, psychologist calling Children's Aid re: drunk driving
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Freaking out, psychologist calling Children's Aid re: drunk driving
Saw a psychologist last month and told him about how I suspected my husband drove drunk with my son once. He just called me and said that on further reflection he felt he had an obligation to contact Children's Aid! Holy crap! I am nowhere near ready to confront this situation yet. What if I was wrong? Even if I wasn't, this will be a gigantic disaster and marriage breaker for sure.
I only saw that psychologist once, then found a new one that specialized in addiction. I saw her 2 weeks ago, told her the same thing. At no point did anyone tell me they'd have to report it. I am seeing her again on Monday and am also seeing a lawyer she recommended. The first psychologist said he let me call Children's Aid on Monday but would call them on Tuesday to ensure the report was made. Man, this is a mess! I can't deal with this now. So far I am doing fine doing the driving when my son is in the car, so the situation is under control. Feeling super stressed...
I only saw that psychologist once, then found a new one that specialized in addiction. I saw her 2 weeks ago, told her the same thing. At no point did anyone tell me they'd have to report it. I am seeing her again on Monday and am also seeing a lawyer she recommended. The first psychologist said he let me call Children's Aid on Monday but would call them on Tuesday to ensure the report was made. Man, this is a mess! I can't deal with this now. So far I am doing fine doing the driving when my son is in the car, so the situation is under control. Feeling super stressed...
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I know here in the US they disclose to you that if they feel the children are in harms way they have a duty to report it. You actually have to sign a form about it, or I have at every counselor I have been to.
Likely it will just be an interview phone call with you first possibly. I would tell them you are not sure. I would also tell them that you are now driving anytime son is in the car. They may not do anything else beyond that point.
Breathe. It's going to be ok.
Likely it will just be an interview phone call with you first possibly. I would tell them you are not sure. I would also tell them that you are now driving anytime son is in the car. They may not do anything else beyond that point.
Breathe. It's going to be ok.
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It's frightening, but in the end, a good thing. I'm not sure how it works in Canada, but I'm pretty sure that just like in the US, the person reporting a child in danger gets to be anonymous. Meaning your AH can't trace the report back to you.
I've been interviewed by CPS three times -- once because someone told them I was using and dealing drugs (which was not true); twice because someone reported AXH being drunk when he was responsible for kids.
I understand how stressful it feels (I can guarantee you my house has never been as clean as when I knew they were coming, before or after!) but chances are (this is the sad part) that not much will come of a report like this.
I can imagine that CPS in Canada has the same situation they do here, where they handle children who are being physically and sexually abused and are in physical danger every day. That might mean that something like this may not even rise to the priority where they follow up on it.
I forget who it is but someone here actually works for CPS -- she might be able to give you more information about what to expect.
I've been interviewed by CPS three times -- once because someone told them I was using and dealing drugs (which was not true); twice because someone reported AXH being drunk when he was responsible for kids.
I understand how stressful it feels (I can guarantee you my house has never been as clean as when I knew they were coming, before or after!) but chances are (this is the sad part) that not much will come of a report like this.
I can imagine that CPS in Canada has the same situation they do here, where they handle children who are being physically and sexually abused and are in physical danger every day. That might mean that something like this may not even rise to the priority where they follow up on it.
I forget who it is but someone here actually works for CPS -- she might be able to give you more information about what to expect.
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What Hopeful said...
As long as they know you are not allowing him to drive with the children anymore, I would imagine they would let it go this time, especially since it is just a suspicion.
However, now that they will have this on record, if he ever is to drive drunk with them again, and get pulled over and arrested, you could be considered equally negligent, since you know that he is drinking, and they know that you know.
I've seen children removed from the care of both their parents in my US State for that reason... But I don't mean to scare you... it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to protect the children, so I wouldn't worry about it.
This could end up being a blessing.. Maybe a wake-up call for him?
As long as they know you are not allowing him to drive with the children anymore, I would imagine they would let it go this time, especially since it is just a suspicion.
However, now that they will have this on record, if he ever is to drive drunk with them again, and get pulled over and arrested, you could be considered equally negligent, since you know that he is drinking, and they know that you know.
I've seen children removed from the care of both their parents in my US State for that reason... But I don't mean to scare you... it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to protect the children, so I wouldn't worry about it.
This could end up being a blessing.. Maybe a wake-up call for him?
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In most (if not all) states in the US, any potential abuse or neglect of a child is a mandatory report. This mandatory reporting includes social workers, medical and mental health professionals, teachers, and child care providers. We could potentially lose our license if we didn't report something that potentially endangered a child's welfare.
It's not personal and nobody likes to do it, but some professionals are mandated to do so.
I would explain the situation and let them know that you're not even sure, but as a precautionary measure, you no longer allow your son in the car with him when he's driving.
Try to stay calm, as long as you have proactive measures in place and follow them, you should be ok.
It's not personal and nobody likes to do it, but some professionals are mandated to do so.
I would explain the situation and let them know that you're not even sure, but as a precautionary measure, you no longer allow your son in the car with him when he's driving.
Try to stay calm, as long as you have proactive measures in place and follow them, you should be ok.
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I know I signed a waiver each time but I wish they would have said something at the time so I could have discussed the implications during the session. I really don't want them to approach my husband about this. I am strengthening myself and getting the facts I need to tell him to get help for his drinking or it's over. Now I feel like that timing and decision are being taken out of my hands. This can only create a hateful reaction from him, and understandably so - despite the fact that he was at fault.
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Ensuring the safety of the children is the #1 priority in a situation like this. The psychologist did right by the child and may have had an obligation to do so. That at least shows the system is kind of working. Your husband needs to be held for his actions.
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Originally Posted by lucybb 
I know I signed a waiver each time but I wish they would have said something at the time so I could have discussed the implications during the session. I really don't want them to approach my husband about this. I am strengthening myself and getting the facts I need to tell him to get help for his drinking or it's over. Now I feel like that timing and decision are being taken out of my hands. This can only create a hateful reaction from him, and understandably so - despite the fact that he was at fault.
I have dealt with this regularly in my work life. It never gets more pleasant for those on the reporting side, if that is any consolation.
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I realize they have an obligation, but honestly, what can come of this? It is my suspicions against his word, and it only happened once. However, any involvement with the agency will kill any hopes of having a 'get help and stop drinking or our marriage is over' kind of conversation, which could lead to improvement either way. Working it out ourselves will no longer be an option. How can they intervene here? Taking my DS doesn't make sense as other than that one incident he has been a very good parent lately and I am there to provide excellent care. So what, besides ending our marriage, could they accomplish by stepping in? Nothing happened, our son had no idea there was even any issue. What do they do? Is it to press for the AH to pursue recovery? As if forcing works...
And how will this look on me if it came to it regarding custody - that I called Children's Aid on him based on only a suspicion and no harm came to our son? I've never even heard of anyone calling CA about their spouse, especially when they are still together and the spouse has no idea what's coming.
And how will this look on me if it came to it regarding custody - that I called Children's Aid on him based on only a suspicion and no harm came to our son? I've never even heard of anyone calling CA about their spouse, especially when they are still together and the spouse has no idea what's coming.
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If they do anything, they will first call and talk to you. At that time, you can explain what happened and they may not even take it any further. In any case, they aren't going to take your son. They only do that in the most dire of cases.
Calm down and breathe. It's going to be okay.
Calm down and breathe. It's going to be okay.
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However, any involvement with the agency will kill any hopes of having a 'get help and stop drinking or our marriage is over' kind of conversation, which could lead to improvement either way.
I drastically overestimated the amount of influence my conversations would have with my ex. If CPS involvement over something that is clearly his fault "enrages" him, then how is a conversation with you going to make a difference?
Are you going to tell Children's Aid that you are afraid of the repercussions of this, because it will cause your spouse to get angry and you are afraid of his anger?
Maybe think of this as a strangely wrapped gift to both of you.
It was hard for me to shift into the mindset from protecting my ex to protecting myself and my children, but now I wish I had done it sooner. He is an adult, for all that he likes to behave like a spoiled teenager.
I drastically overestimated the amount of influence my conversations would have with my ex. If CPS involvement over something that is clearly his fault "enrages" him, then how is a conversation with you going to make a difference?
Are you going to tell Children's Aid that you are afraid of the repercussions of this, because it will cause your spouse to get angry and you are afraid of his anger?
Maybe think of this as a strangely wrapped gift to both of you.
It was hard for me to shift into the mindset from protecting my ex to protecting myself and my children, but now I wish I had done it sooner. He is an adult, for all that he likes to behave like a spoiled teenager.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
However, any involvement with the agency will kill any hopes of having a 'get help and stop drinking or our marriage is over' kind of conversation, which could lead to improvement either way. I drastically overestimated the amount of influence my conversations would have with my ex. If CPS involvement over something that is clearly his fault "enrages" him, then how is a conversation with you going to make a difference? Are you going to tell Children's Aid that you are afraid of the repercussions of this, because it will cause your spouse to get angry and you are afraid of his anger? Maybe think of this as a strangely wrapped gift to both of you. It was hard for me to shift into the mindset from protecting my ex to protecting myself and my children, but now I wish I had done it sooner. He is an adult, for all that he likes to behave like a spoiled teenager.
The timing of this really sucks - he called me an hour before I had a houseful of guests for a kids Christmas party, and here we are just a week before Christmas. Not a time I need additional huge stress.
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lucy - I'm sorry you're dealing with this, but in all honesty, "control" is something you can't do with an A.
I know we live in different countries, but my niece was raised by my dad and stepmom (her mom died in a car wreck, her bio-dad is an A), and was under the eye of DFACS her entire life until she turned 18.
Suspicions were listened to, but no action was taken until she showed obvious signs of being stressed by her bio-dad and his family, at which point they were denied visits. I'm talking about she was 3 or 4, saw a car that looked like her other grandparents and crouched down, screaming "NO!! NO!!! Don't MAKE me go with them!!!"
As many have mentioned, several professions are required to report concerns. I was once a nurse, and I was required to report concerns.
Again, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you are dealing with an A, you did have concerns, and as someone who is both a recovering A and a recovering codie, I doubt your concerns were unfounded.
Your child was not hurt, had no idea of what was going on. This time. I pray that there isn't another time, I really do. My niece was raised to fear DFACS, but in all honesty (and she will agree), they were looking out for her best interests.
It's hard to deal with other people stepping in, but you had a legit concern and they are checking it out. That's their job. They simply want to know that your child is okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I know we live in different countries, but my niece was raised by my dad and stepmom (her mom died in a car wreck, her bio-dad is an A), and was under the eye of DFACS her entire life until she turned 18.
Suspicions were listened to, but no action was taken until she showed obvious signs of being stressed by her bio-dad and his family, at which point they were denied visits. I'm talking about she was 3 or 4, saw a car that looked like her other grandparents and crouched down, screaming "NO!! NO!!! Don't MAKE me go with them!!!"
As many have mentioned, several professions are required to report concerns. I was once a nurse, and I was required to report concerns.
Again, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but you are dealing with an A, you did have concerns, and as someone who is both a recovering A and a recovering codie, I doubt your concerns were unfounded.
Your child was not hurt, had no idea of what was going on. This time. I pray that there isn't another time, I really do. My niece was raised to fear DFACS, but in all honesty (and she will agree), they were looking out for her best interests.
It's hard to deal with other people stepping in, but you had a legit concern and they are checking it out. That's their job. They simply want to know that your child is okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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It will be okay 
As others on here have said, likely nothing to little will come of this report anyway. I am a CPS Social Worker for eight years. (Which is slightly embarrassing for me to admit... especially after what I posted yesterday on someone else's thread about leaving my three-month-old with drunk AH... I should have known better, right? Anyway...)
In California, if we were to get a report like this, we would likely first speak with the mother, ensure she was protecting the child, and give her any appropiate referrals or resources available. If we felt she was capable of following through with her safety plan, and there were no past reports, the case would be closed at that time.
If we did not feel that she was able to effectively protect the child based on the conversation, or past reports, we would probably interview the child, and the father, and possibly open a case and require D&A counseling, testing, parenting education.
The child would NOT be removed from the home unless there were numerous past reports or other more severe neglect or abuse discovered during the course of the investigation.
Like others have said, this could turn out to be a good thing for your family, though I know that's hard to see now.
As others on here have said, likely nothing to little will come of this report anyway. I am a CPS Social Worker for eight years. (Which is slightly embarrassing for me to admit... especially after what I posted yesterday on someone else's thread about leaving my three-month-old with drunk AH... I should have known better, right? Anyway...)In California, if we were to get a report like this, we would likely first speak with the mother, ensure she was protecting the child, and give her any appropiate referrals or resources available. If we felt she was capable of following through with her safety plan, and there were no past reports, the case would be closed at that time.
If we did not feel that she was able to effectively protect the child based on the conversation, or past reports, we would probably interview the child, and the father, and possibly open a case and require D&A counseling, testing, parenting education.
The child would NOT be removed from the home unless there were numerous past reports or other more severe neglect or abuse discovered during the course of the investigation.
Like others have said, this could turn out to be a good thing for your family, though I know that's hard to see now.
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This is going to be a long few days until I see the lawyer and psychologist and have to call CAS on Monday. I feel sick to my stomach with worry, and need to put on a calm front for now. I just hope that when I speak to them, they let it drop. I need to get through the holidays without any disasters.
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Originally Posted by Kboys
It will be okay As others on here have said, likely nothing to little will come of this report anyway. I am a CPS Social Worker for eight years. In California, if we were to get a report like this, we would likely first speak with the mother, ensure she was protecting the child, and give her any appropiate referrals or resources available. If we felt she was capable of following through with her safety plan, and there were no past reports, the case would be closed at that time.
As others on here have said, likely nothing to little will come of this report anyway. I am a CPS Social Worker for eight years. In California, if we were to get a report like this, we would likely first speak with the mother, ensure she was protecting the child, and give her any appropiate referrals or resources available. If we felt she was capable of following through with her safety plan, and there were no past reports, the case would be closed at that time.I'm not sure how to approach this. I am dealing with this - it was only a suspicion, AH has been seeing a therapist and is improving all the time, I am seeing a psychologist, I drive whenever DS is in the car and in the evenings (no resistance to this from AH so far), there has never been any physical abuse of anyone in our home or any violence, not even any yelling or arguing, and AH has been working on his parenting and doing an awesome job. Not to downplay the effect of him being unpredictable as is usual for an A, but even that has improved a lot.
I plan to have the talk with AH shortly about getting help to quit or I can't continue with him, but I need a another visit or two with my psychologist to feel more prepared. Funny how an incident like this makes me feel more calm about having that talk - seems way less stressful than speaking to CAS. Regardless of the outcome of that talk, there will be improvement in our lives. Either he starts on the road to true recovery, or we split up and I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. Either way, I need things to be open - no more elephant in the room.
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One thing--make sure you are totally honest with the agency. Any minimizing or excusing by you is going to raise red flags that you are more interested in protecting him than the child. From what you said here, you had suspicions, not proof. Explain what you have been trying to do to ensure he doesn't drive drunk with the child.
I'm a firm believer that things work out as they should. This may, ironically, take some of the pressure off you. YOU aren't the only one scrutinizing his behavior with your child.
I'm really not sure how you think this somehow eliminates or interferes with your ability to speak with him about your boundary about living with active alcoholism. Surely you aren't the only person on the planet who's noticed he is a drinker who sometimes drives a young child. A report about "suspicions" could come from anyone with such knowledge. I think you are future-tripping on worst-case scenarios that are unlikely to happen.
CPS isn't lurking around just waiting to snatch kids away from their parents. The focus in most cases is on monitoring and providing services.
Keep calm and carry on.
I'm a firm believer that things work out as they should. This may, ironically, take some of the pressure off you. YOU aren't the only one scrutinizing his behavior with your child.
I'm really not sure how you think this somehow eliminates or interferes with your ability to speak with him about your boundary about living with active alcoholism. Surely you aren't the only person on the planet who's noticed he is a drinker who sometimes drives a young child. A report about "suspicions" could come from anyone with such knowledge. I think you are future-tripping on worst-case scenarios that are unlikely to happen.
CPS isn't lurking around just waiting to snatch kids away from their parents. The focus in most cases is on monitoring and providing services.
Keep calm and carry on.
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All turned out well in the end. The advice I got from my psychologist was to call the therapist and let him know it was just a suspicion, no proof, and steps have been taken to ensure nothing will happen. That worked out well, thank goodness and even when he asked CAS they told him there is no need for a report. Now I can finally relax for the holidays at least.
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