Timetoheal12

My dad (who is an A) got really angry at my mom last night, over, really, the most trivial thing ever, so I am really not going to describe it...
The point is that he started raising his voice to the point of starting screaming at her. She was defending herself with her reasoning, but then he raised one of his wrists at her, like if he was trying to tell her he wanted to hit her. He didn't do it, but it was an awful scene. We were on her room when he came in, and after this happened she told him to go away and closed her door with me still in the room. She said that his breath smelled like alcohol, and then proceed to tell me "see? this is what you were going to get if you married that guy" (my ex).

She was disturbed so she told me to better leave her alone and I went to my room.

While I was there, my father sent me a text message.... Apologizing for the bad moment and telling me that she made him lost his temper...

I was sad at everything, and I never responded his text. I mean, he could have apologized to her, and maybe to me (I don't think he needed to apologize to me, but to her yes) face to face, but a text? We were in the same house...
Today my house feels weird, so I'm going to go out with my best friend.



What should be my approach to this kind of things if they happen again?

hopeful4

I am so sorry you have to be exposed to this. I would tell him you appreciate his effort but that things would be more effective if you speak face to face. Problem is, he is blaming someone else for his own behavior.

My approach would be to encourage your mom to go to Alanon. I would explain to your dad that if he feels that sort of rage again that he should immediately remove himself from the situation so things don't escalate, that it is scary and unacceptable.

Tight hugs.

MissFixit

I am sorry you are living with active addiction. I don't know what to tell you other than stay away from your dad when he is drinking. Violence has a tendency to increase over time. It is not your fault or your mom's fault. Your dad has a mental problem.

NWGRITS

This. Don't engage. It gets worse over time. Nobody wins. See if you can get your mom top go to Al-Anon with you. I wish I could scoop up all the kids in alcoholic homes and put them in a safe, healthy environment. (((Hugs)))

Eauchiche

My heart goes out to you, sweetheart! Stories like yours, and all the rest of us, are why I HATE alcoholism.

ladyscribbler

She "made him" lose his temper?
I once saw my dad throw my mom down a flight of stairs. He said the same thing. My mom said nothing.
Sorry that both of your parents are pulling you into the sick dance of their alcoholic/abusive/codependent relationship. As bad as this feels, believe it or not, this truly is not your problem.
I know that sounds nuts right now, and I know you don't want to hear this, but can you get out to an Alanon meeting? That program has completely changed my life and saved my sanity after a childhood filled with those types of incidents and worse.
Take care and get out of that house as soon as you can. Also beware of any man you find attractive right now. He is probably majorly effed up. Hold off on dating and get some Alanon recovery under your belt. Hugs.

Timetoheal12

Thank you all for your responses.
So after I hung out with my friend. I talked to my mom about this.
She said that, if I'm not against it, she will divorce my dad.
I haven't answered this to her yet, because I wanted to ask in here first...
Should I encourage her to do this if she actually wants it?

She, anyways, said that she is worried that my dad will get very depressed and make something stupid if she does that. And I'm also worried. I don't want him to feel sad. Still, I can't (we can't) deal with him as he is...

Timetoheal12

Everything in this post is very true... specially the last part, about my preference for guys who have lots of issues.

I know that even if my parents separate from each other, I will still have to deal with this in my own.

Eauchiche

Dear Time
Your mother needs to choose what to do about divorce without asking you to decide for her.

ladyscribbler

Again, this is your mom's responsibility but here she is trying to foist responsibility for her decision and your dad's theoretical reaction onto you. That is wrong on so many levels.
Your parents are both incredibly sick people.
This is not your problem or responsibility in any way, shape or form. Never think that it is. Help yourself as much as you can. You are not responsible for how other adults choose to live or behave.
Show her this thread if you won't have too many personal repercussions from it. @Timetoheal's mom- GO TO AN ALANON MEETING! NOW!
So sorry your parents are choosing to put you through this. Take care.

TopEndChick

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. And it is happening *to* you. You have your friend; you haven't said much, but you were able to remove yourself from that particular situation with this friend. Sounds hopeful! Who else is in your life to support you? Al-anon sounds like a good place for you to create a support network for yourself. All the best to you.

FeelingGreat

Honey, as others have said, it's really up to your mother to decide. It might be appropriate to tell her she must do what she thinks is best, and you will support her whatever she decides.
Your AF must take responsibility for his own life and decisions. Sure he's depressed, but that's not helped by the drinking. We help ourselves because no-one can do it for us.

Timetoheal12

Again... Thanks everybody for all your input. Being in here has really helped me to understand many things.

Right now I only want to be preoccupied with my own recovery. I think it might be a little selfish, but that is what I think it's best for me nowadays.
The timing of this discussion between my parents was perfect for me.
That day I was missing the best part/the good part of the relationship with my A ex... I thought that he was the first gentleman that I'd ever met, I felt like we were perfect for each other and that he was the man that was going to treat me like his princess (sorry if it sounds a little silly, but this is what I thought at the time..)

My mom was right, at least with this: he was already abusing me, disrespecting me, being dishonest and a liar.... the future wasn't going to be as bright as I once dreamed about....

ajarlson

Please get yourself to Alanon and/or counseling. My kids lived through this and they're all doing better now (I left him) but they are all dealing with what happened through counseling. I do feel for your mom as well, it's so hard to see what reality is when you're in that situation. Just try to be honest with her, tell her how it makes you feel and tell her you need counseling and meetings and encourage her to go with you. If she doesn't, get there yourself. She is not your responsibility, all you can do is take care of yourself and that is NOT selfish.

Timetoheal12

I will try to make her see that she needs to go too. If it doesn't happens I will go by myself.... Thank you.

lillamy

That's not selfish. That's self-preservation, and wise.

Eauchiche

Dear Time
You seem to have a really good head on your shoulders, especially for a younger person. USE your head, and you'll be fine.
We are here to support you in any way we can!

Hope4Life

I lived at home until I was 19 with an abusive alcoholic father. While he never hit my Mom or brother or I, he was constantly berating us. I used to beg my mother to leave him but she never did. Every day he would come home drunk with a 5th of bourbon in his hand and proceed to drink the ENTIRE bottle. I would hide in my room until dinner was ready and then go straight back afterwards. It was a horrible way to grow up.

After I moved out, I stopped by to visit Mom and she had bruises on her arms. She said that dad had grabbed her when they were arguing. When he came home, already drunk of course, I got right in his face and backed him up against the counter and let him know in no uncertain terms that "If he ever put a mark on mom again, that I would be kicking his butt so hard that he would not know what planet he was on!" A strange thing happened after that conversation. The next time I saw him and from then on, he treated me differently... like he had got the message and had some respect for me! Several years later he finally quit drinking.... but he still rode my mom till the day he died and then she finally got some peace in her life.

If your mom is ready to leave him, she should make that decision.... please let her do that. Staying with him will only prolong her pain. Al Anon would be a great place for both of you to get some help and support.

I'm very sorry that this is happening.

Soberintexas007

I think that even though it is your mom's decision to divorce your dad, she was just trying to see how you felt if that happened, which I think is fine. I also don't necessarily think that your mom is sick, but I do think she is in a relationship with a sick person since he is an active alcoholic. I think you will find support in Al-Anon. Good luck!

CodeJob

This is a very thorough introduction to drama triangles in families. You are being pulled to behave in certain ways to allow both of your parents to enforce their beliefs about their relationship.

The Drama Triangle: The Three Roles of Victimhood - article by Dr. Lynne Namka